Forgive my grammer grannyness.....taking a grammer class and my eyes are focused on correct grammer....my apologies...
expected remember every: to remember
Wow. I so did not expect that to happen to Dante. You spent so much time on Max, that I thought something dreadful would happen to him. This was very descriptive and somewhat gorry, but I guess that was your intent. Good work.
She had little strength left and so she crawled to the creature
~~ take the and out, and leave to so, but add a comma before hand:
She had little strength left, so she crawled to the creature
~~I think that adds a little more it, the and just seemed like you were trying to make it be longer in a sense. The end makes one think that there is more to this. Almost like a second chapter.
If anything, it enhanced it drawing his eyes to her unnatural ones.
I think the comma should 1) be changed to a semicolon and 2) moved after the second it. the two its seemed to make the sentence confusing. I think this way it would break it up a bit and make the sentence clearer to read.
I thought this was a good start and hope to be able to read more.
This was a good draft, but I think there needs to be a little more to it. Maybe you grumbling a bit and a little more detail. The way you opened it up was good though, it brought me into the story and made me wonder why you "stared at her with horror."
wonderful, i like the viewpoint being from God instead of one of His followers. I liked the different forms of punctuation that you used for different pauses and effects of each line. The first and last stanzas I think are my favorites; but each one seems to hold a great promise that fills me up with joy of knowing God and sharing that with others.
I had fun doing this and reading it. I had an idea that it was the frog prince, but if i'm not mistaken, wouldn't something horrible have happened in the brother's Grimm version of the story? I know all their stories have morid ending or some aspect of morbidness in it...neway i'm getting off tract I had fun with this :)
they we near and: the we in this section is a bit confusing, not sure if you want it there.
This was a great story, happens to be my fantasy with my fiance. Maybe i should make him read it ;) I don't normally read things like this, but yours just drew me in and I couldn't stop reading. good work.
wow this was very descriptive and imaginitive. I will have to come back and read the rest after class. I like your use of the phrases people would have used such as "m'lady" and what not. The parts about him dreaming of killing here were scary and kept my eyes on the screen great work.
Through my eyes,
The world is distorted beyond belief.
Through my eyes,
Reality is a dream, and dreams are the true reality.
for that part take out the second "through my eyes" I think it just makes the piece seem never ending with all the "through my eyes" in it. I mean towards the end it got better but it just seemed to be too much.
Love has been used to abuse and has been abused in itself
I think this part would work wonderful in two lines
Love has been used to abuse...
...and has been abused in itself
something like that. It'll add more form and character to the piece, there are a couple lines you could break into two lines and play with to make it catch the readers eyes.
Poetry is also part form and structure, like how does the poem look on the page? can you see meaning behind how the poem is set? Do you get what I mean?
This was good, but I think there needs to be alittle more to it. Maybe more towards the end the speaker could be one of the grandchildren; thinking of grandma and grandpa thinking about story-time and it could end with something along the lines of "grandparents may think the grandkids don't remember story time as clearly as they do, but this grandkid does" Or oo you make it into like a two part thing and have a little more about the old bloody woman story or a little of grandpa's stories..
It just feels like there should be more in this or to this, maybe something about maybe story time being the best part for them. I jsut got more of the feel that this was through the eyes of a grandkid...
This doesn't seem to be finished, it seems that there is more to this. Your last line left me with that impression. Since you said what it wasn't, explain what it was. Take it a little bit farther, you just like leace your readers hanging.
Since it said this is a chapter, I guess there is more to this story. I can't wait to see what will happen when all the animals get into the same house together. Should be interesting. Good job, making me think of what it would be living with my mom again.
I agree with everything that you say in this. Many times in high school I prayed to myself, as did many of my friends. My best friend even crossed herself before she ate lunch. How can school try to forbid students from doing something they believe in? It's almost like forbidding them from choosing art over chorus.
This is good and maybe someday soon schools will allow prayer once more.
male nor female but an all: there should be a comma before "but"
This was a good piece about your own beliefs. You took a step to put yourself out there and what you believe in. Everything you believe, I believe as well, One God and only one God.
"The reason for the creation of the individual human is to know and love God"
I really don't know what to say to this one, I felt bad for the dog, that was just horrible. Unfortunatly I know people wo do things like that and act like nothing happened, or they are great people. Sometimes you wonder why people do the things they do.
Your reaction would be something like mine, shock maybe unsure of what to do...
That would be my reaction; but I would probably have just hung up though. I could never think of clever answers to questions like that from creepy guys asking creepy questions. Your now answer just made me smile and snicker to myself, wishing I could say something like that....
wow not what I really expected. I jsut thought she was tired, not interested in anything (him, food anything), or maybe something different was going to happen, but you added an interesting twist to what your reader is expecting. It was good and easy to follow once you got into it.
HAha this made me laugh just reading it. I may have to send it to my friend who is a lifeguard (not to meet cute guys). I love the last line about wishing the all drown, I guess I would say the same thing if all people wanted to do was get a tan and met cute guys or girls instead of save lives.
My muse has just started talking to me again, it knows what should be written and it does good work, we're a good team. It was just bad when it disappeared on those class projects ;)
I enjoyed this and made me rethink how I treat my muse and the things that I write.
This is another well written poem with alot of power and emotion. There is alot in this piece that you are trying to say, but I'm not sure if I have it all right. The rhymth just added to the feel of the piece, at times it felt broken, which goes back to the speaker feeling broken.
There was this feel of pushing away and yet wanting someone to understand.
Other than that I thnik you have a well written poem here. I just felt all the pain and torment. The questioning of everything is a great touch, it adds emphasis on being confused of where to go or what to do with thoughts and feelings. This is a good and powerful piece.
hmm the second to the last paragraph kinda hints at something. I think in this chapter we see Trisha being more of the teenage girl than anything else.
maybe have her starting school or even meeting a new guy or something that Ryan doesn't like or feel comfy with...
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