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Review of My Darkness  
Review by Rick
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I don't know enough to be critical, but I liked it just the same. Thank you.
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Review by Rick
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Dear Alyria:

I read the Prologue and first chapter of your story and enjoyed meeting your main character, Evelyn Marie Jefferson. With that said I did want to point out a few problems. The first issue is about telling a story instead of showing it. I got a good idea as to what Evelyn wore to school, but there was so much more that I wanted to see. What did her room look like? In fiction you want to evoke the emotions of the reader and one of the best ways of doing that is by characterizing your characters every chance you can. Like I said, we got an idea as to what she wore, and you told us about her hair and eye color, but I knew little about your character other than that. And the number one reason a story is rejected by a publisher is because they are telling instead of showing.

One think I always covered in my Creative Writing Classes was characterization. And I think you would also benefit if you conducted a biographical sketch of Evelyn. Not just her looks—that is telling. But what makes her tick. Her psychological portrait; what she wants and how bad she wants them, what is she afraid of, and what she doesn’t want anyone else to know. Then try to show these in what she does and says. It is the same for the villain. Everyone wants to make their villain bad, but there must be something charming about them.

But getting back to your story, one particular area that was excellent was when Eve was “what was so special about the girl staring back at her”. That is great but characterize. What did she see? I know when I look in the mirror I see someone that has had to live with many disappointments. It shows in my wrinkled face, it shows in my shoulders drooping from years of carrying too many responsibilities. I don’t see what other’s see. I see through those facades. I loved the mirror scene and think that you can do so much more. But when you said that she broke from the trance, you lost a great opportunity. I mean you told us about her high cheekbones, and hair that hung limply over her shoulders, but that is all telling. If someone is nervous, don’t tell us that. Instead, show the character doing something someone nervous would do. Pacing back and forth, chewing their fingernails, tapping their fingers on the table top.

And there were a couple other things that weren’t believable to me. She ran down the stairs and grabbed an apple; that is fine, but she didn’t brush her teeth. I am not a girl, but I don’t think someone as pretty as your character would leave the house without brushing her teeth. This is petty, but a writer must always read their manuscript looking for these little errors. Unless, and this is a big unless, you want to characterize your character as a scatter-brain. Some people will take every precaution to make sure they are perfect and then leave the house with two different color socks on—that is characterizing, and if that was your intent, well done.

One other point. In dialogue you must also be trying to evoke the emotions of your reader. In the real world someone ask a question, and it is answered. Boring. But fiction is not the real world. When you use dialogue you want to make the effort to create tension. If someone asks a question, instead of answering it, the other character might ask a different question. See what I am trying to point out. Your scene with Eve and Seb was wonderful. I loved it. The awkwardness of a young teenager; great stuff. But it went back and forth in a straight line and I would highly suggest that you use the oblique dialogue in order to squeeze every bit of tension you can get. And there was a lot of tension in that scene.

Alyria, I offer a free lesson on my website that might be very helpful. I am not trying to advertise, but writing is a craft and that means that anyone with the desire can master it. You have a wonderful story, and you are a very good writer. But you do need some work. The website is www.easywritinglessons.com , and like I said there is a free lesson that you can download and listen to whenever you want. If you make some revisions to the first chapter please let me know because I believe you have all the right stuff to be published. Anyway, I do hope I have not been too hard on you. And I thank you for allowing me to read your story.
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Review by Rick
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You are a very good writer! I have taught creative writing for years, and it is not often that I read a story as well as you have written this one. It is not without error, but still an excellent job. After I read the Prologue, I mentioned that I was going to read the other chapters, but I got a little confused once I got started.

The only problem is that you tell a story; you tell it very well, but as a reader I felt like you were telling me a story that had already happened. And when you jumped from Brienna on a slave ship, and then back in Aven I had a bit of a problem keeping up with the story. What it did was to cause me to go back and see what I missed. And anytime a reader must go back to see what they missed, that is not a good idea. And typically, the writer must be very careful of presenting “back story” because, once again, it feels like you are telling me something that happened off stage. And most readers, as well as most publishers, want to see the story as it is happening now—in the present. If the material is important, and I believe in this case that it is, one way to make it look like it is happening now is through the use of dialogue. Dialogue always happens in the present, even if it took place a long time ago.

I absolutely believe that you have the ability to be a bestselling author. However, the only area that will get in your way is the fact that you use prose virtually without dialogue. A long time ago that was the primary means for most novels. But that is not the case now. Publishers and teachers will tell you that you must use dialogue in order to make your character seem more real. Quite frankly your writing and your story is wonderful without it, but you do miss a lot of opportunities to further characterize your characters, which is also done through dialogue. Your outstanding descriptions of the area, the smells, the characters, including those that once sold their wares on the island all of it was fantastic. You have fabulous characters, but with the use of dialogue you could make them even better.

Also, most readers will make the decision to buy a book based on its first sentence, the first paragraph and certainly within the first three pages. And I have to admit that I did not have a good idea as to what your story was about through the prologue and first chapter. I think you need to give the reader some insight as to the main plot; certainly within the first chapter.

Well that is all I have. I would love to see a revision that included more dialogue. Keep in mind that the purpose of fiction is to evoke the emotions of the reader. And that can also be said for dialogue. It is not to simply pass on information. Great dialogue is used to create suspense and tension. Think of the characters you have met in fiction or on the screen. What makes them so interesting? What made you relate to them; most of the time that will be a result of what they say as much as what they do.
If, and I hope you will, revise any of these chapters would you please let me know? You have what it takes to be a great writer, and I am looking forward to see what comes next. Thank you for allowing me to read your story.
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Review by Rick
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I loved it and I don't love a lot. I have just downloaded your otherr chapters and look forward to reading them. I will respond when I am done thank you for allowing me to read your story.
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Review of Et tu, Brute?  
Review by Rick
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed your short story. I think you have a lot of good things going on, and I don’t have a lot of help. One thing I noticed was the use of direct dialogue.

“Paris was unbelievable! It’s such a beautiful city that you completely forget that you’re there on work. But I missed you so much!”
“Same.” I forced the corners of my mouth into a smile.
“How was your day? How was that big appraisal with the boss?”
“Survived it.”
I left out the fact that I cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes after.
“He liked that report you made? The one you spent hours on?”
I shrugged. “I suppose so.”
“But you’re still going to quit right? You know I’ll be there for you when you start that café, all the way.”
“I'm not going through with that.”
Jay gave me a long, searching look.
“Lara…what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“I wish you’d tell me what I’m supposed to have done.”

Instead of being so direct, you should try using oblique dialogue. That is one technique to create tension, and it works brilliantly. In the real world we are direct, but fiction is not the real world. Instead of,

“Paris was unbelievable! It’s such a beautiful city that you completely forget that you’re there on work. But I missed you so much!”
“Same.”

You might consider answering a question with another question. “I missed you.” “Who was responsible for that?”
Or, instead of,

“How was your day? How was that big appraisal with the boss?”
“Survived it.”

You might have the response be something out of left field. “How was your day?” “What does that have to do with you?”

These are just some suggestions. Remember that fiction is meant to evoke the emotions of the reader and not provide information. And when an answer is direct all it does is provide information. Instead try to constantly twist conversations in order to create a spark. Make the reader wonder what is going on in the one person’s thoughts. I offer a free lesson on my site that addresses these issues. Since I don’t think writing.com would appreciate me giving you my website address, I will only suggest that you do some searches for other lessons such as "easy writing lessons.com" for yourself. But you are a very good writer.

I would also like a bit more characterization. The dream is wonderful, but you might have done some more with drawing the picture of you character. And when you mentioned that she cried in the bathroom, that was outstanding. But perhaps you might tie together something else that is “falling” apart in her life. Your're should always be trying to create suspense. Again, I am being a bit petty only because there was so little to evaluate. I would enjoy reading more of this story. If you wouldn’t mind, please contact me when you do a revision or add more to it.

Thank you for allowing me to read your story.
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Review by Rick
Rated: E | (1.0)
Forgive me for being so critical, but your story has serious flaws. You don't have characters, Das is a weak attempt, but you don't have characters that the reader can relate to. What you have done is to tell a story—not shown it. I can tell you that your problem is the number one reason why stories are rejected by publishers. In fiction you want to evoke the emotions of the reader and you do that with the creation of characters that the reader will like or hate. Either way your story fails to make me care about anyone. You also have almost no dialogue, and the motivation is suspect. I wanted to provide you a critique, but you have not given me a story to work with.

If you haven’t already deleted this review, I would suggest that you pick up a book that you have read and liked, and read it again only make notes about what you like. The plot(s), the characters: good and bad guys, the dialogue and anything else that you like. The reader doesn’t want to be told about what is going on, the reader wants to experience it. And you do that with characters and plots. Another teacher/professor friend once said that, “The reader doesn’t want to know if it is raining, he wants to feel himself get wet.” A bit of help: you should never tell about someone’s feelings: such as angry, jealous, nervous, happy, etc. Instead, give the character the actions of someone feeling those emotions. Don’t say someone it nervous, instead have him pacing back and forth or tapping his fingers on the table about to drive everyone around him nuts.

Again, I am sorry for not being able to help you. But you should also know that writing is a craft. And anyone can learn a craft. You just need to learn the techniques. I offer a free lesson on my website, but I don’t think writing.com would appreciate me sharing my website. But there are a lot of easy writing lessons.com’s, just do the search online.

Thank you for allowing me to read your story.
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Review by Rick
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Imran:
First of all I have to tell you that this is a wonderful story. I honestly enjoyed reading it. In fact, to be able to give you any constructive suggestions I had to really look for them. But that is what you asked for so here goes.

One issue I saw was the direct answers your characters gave to each other. An oblique response could help to create some tension and suspense.

“Please, Carrie, I need this. I have never let you down before, have I? The baby won’t be a problem, I promise. It’s the only chance I have of getting that promotion.” Antoinette pleaded, a hint of desperation creeping into her voice now.

“I know love. I’m sorry about the whole thing, I really am. You do understand my situation though? You’ll still be on the team, but I’m letting Jodie head the project.”

I would suggest that you break up these small speeches and place them back and forth. Something like:
“Please, Carrie, I need this.”

“You’ll still be on the team.”
The baby won’t be a problem,

“I’m letting Jodie head the project

Something like this. But understand, what you wrote is good stuff. These are only some help by breaking your story down. But I love your story as is.
Anytime someone ask a question, if the other person answers it, it is boring. When someone ask a question, and the other person may ask a different question, you create tension—the stuff of good fiction.

I have to tell you that you have done an absolutely wonderful job being visual in your description.

legs the length of the Eiffel tower, Great stuff! luggage bags as big as coffins,” In fact the scene you picture in the train station with people coming in, and people leaving, was absolutely wonderful. reading glasses perpetually perched on the tip of his long nose. His spiked hair, tinted in a variety of colours, reminded Antoinette of a peacock. His companion Rajav, was a short, slightly chubby Indian with a massive beard. Jodie Robertson was reclined in one of the swivel chairs, arms folded behind her head. You do a GREAT JOB visualizing!!

He was even more good looking up close. His hair was perfectly trimmed short, a studded earring sparkled on his left ear. A black scorpion tattoo covered one side of his neck and contrasted sharply with his light skin.” I love this.

shampoo reminded him of a tropical flower garden in full bloom. He brought a strand of hair to his nose and inhaled deeply. And,

Gabby raised his head from her lap and looked around as if noticing his surrounding for the first time. The previously white walls of the house had been repainted a light blue colour. A huge glass chandelier hung from the grooved white ceiling, matching the impeccable white marble tiles on the floor. A winding staircase led up to the bedrooms on the first floor. The only decoration in the room apart from the various paintings that hung on the walls, was the large TV sitting beside a long book and DVD shelf. The whole setting looked like something out of a luxury home decoration catalogue. Again, great visualization.

” well, well, if it ain’t the mad doctor. What the f*** were you thinking man? what’s with the blond beard? “ Andy threw his bag on the doorstep and lunged at Dean. The two men grabbed each other and wrestled around the front lawn.” I tell my students to show your characters doing something, and this is a perfect example.

However, my comments about using oblique dialog could really be used when the story went to,

” you definitely look like a retired porn star. I don’t know how you manage to hold on to a medical licence when you look like a maniac? “

”Like I told Antou, I was trying to look respectable and professional. I don’t know where it went wrong. And, for your information, I’m a brilliant doctor. “ Dean retorted.

He picked up an apple from the fruit bowl in front of them, ” Now stop dissing a brother and turn on the bloody TV, the game is already on. “

” There you go boys, help yourselves, with all that shouting you’ll need these. “ Antoinette walked back in, carrying a tray of drinks and glasses.

” Hey Antou, will you do us a favour? take a look at Dean and tell me what you see. He thinks he’s black now, “ Andy said.

” I think he’s having an identity crisis, I see a white man who badly needs a shaving machine? “ Antoinette teased. “ Don’t get it twisted Dean, stay white. “

She gave Gabby a kiss and sat down on the arm of the sofa beside him. He was about to say something to Dean but she cut him off,

” Don’t even try babe, you ain’t black either, it’s just me and Andy. “

” Yeah! You better recognise, son! The world wouldn’t be any fun without us, “ Andy said.

”Well, wouldn’t have been any slaves either.“ Dean countered, earning himself a pinch from Antoinette.

” True, brother,“ Gabby said raising his hand for a high five.

” Don’t high five me, you ain’t white either,“ Dean mocked, ” you’re a hybrid pal, the ‘in-betweener’. A minute ago you couldn’t wait to point out that I’m not bla... “

These responses are too direct. Antoinette had a terrible day. Perhaps if she made some comments during their joking around, that showed that all things weren’t great of the home front. If you use this, don’t explain her comments to the other guest or the reader. I would like to see some hint of pain from her comments. Everyone else would think her comment was from being pregnant, but it could leave the husband, and the reader, to wonder. Another place you could break up the dialog to create tension is:

“Look, forget I said anything, alright? Just take me to work?” Antoinette Snapped. “There is no point talking to you. To you my career is unimportant? You have any idea how hard I worked to get this far? But of course you’re not the one losing a golden opportunity, walking around with this huge belly? Struggling with the simplest tasks and the constant back pain!”

“Babe, Nobody is asking you to quit ok, it’s just maternity leave. I know you’re good at your job. Nothing will stop you from reaching your goals no matter how long a break you take.” He tried to appease. The cold stare and the furious glint in his wife’s eyes was sufficient indication that he should have kept his mouth shut.

“Oh, So you think they’ll just leave the position vacant until I feel like going back? I cannot take breaks if I want to advance in this job, Gabriel, especially not at this exigent juncture. This is a major promotion we’re talking about.”

Exigent? Big word for a morning convo with your husband.

He knew not to say it aloud. She was getting angry and anything he said would fuel her anger. She had such a short fuse he mused, suppressing a rueful smile,

Antoinette shot him an annoyed look. “What are you smiling about? You think this is funny?”

“Not at all babe. Nothing like that. Um,,. are you taking a cab home or am I picking you up?” he

“I’ll take a taxi.” She shot back, already halfway out of the car.

“Alright, have a nice day, babe.” he leaned over towards the lowered window of the passenger door, “I love you!” he shouted after her.

He smiled to himself again as she unceremoniously returned the sentiment without bothering to turn.

You could break this up with Gabby trying to help but digging himself into a deeper hole with each comment. I would use the quick fire comments. One says one thing, and then the other says something that doesn’t seem to fit. Back and forth, back and forth, bang bang. Try not to allow anyone to answer a direct question. That is what we do in the real world, but fiction is not the real world. We don’t want the normal or information, we want to be moved by what the characters say as much as what they don’t say.

I remember a story that had a person making a call and getting stuck in one of those recordings that has this computer voice offering several options and whenever you click on one of the options, it gives you several more options. Boring stuff. Not on your life. The author made it quick fire, the recording, and then the character’s thoughts and action. Back and forth, over and over. It was wonderful.

Well, that’s it. But please don’t let these comments upset you. You are a great writer that has learned this craft very well. I had to be pretty picky to find anything, but I did want to help. However, remember this: When you read someone’s comments, if your reaction is, “That’s great stuff!” Then use it. If it isn’t, keep what you have. After all, you must make the final decision.

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to read your story. I plan on keeping a look out for chapter 4 and beyond. (Sorry for making this so long. I felt like I had to include your writing so that you could follow my train of thought.)

Rick Forster
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Review of Doctor Knows Best  
Review by Rick
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You have a great title and storyline. With general regard to your writing, most of my comments are mechanical in nature. A lot of your sentences are either run-on or fragments. And the other issue that publishers and readers don’t like is when a writer uses passive sentences. Instead, we want a direct sentence where someone is doing something, rather than having something happen to them. In most word processors you can set the parameters to have it’s review be either general or formal. I would highly recommend that you set yours to formal. That way it will tell you when you have written a passive sentence, and allow you to change it. I would also suggest that you find someone to assist you in fixing the grammatical mistakes.

When there are several items that causes the reader to stop and try to figure out what is going on, it breaks the pace and kills the tempo. I found several areas in this story that I just didn’t buy. How could the ringing in her ears cause her side to throb? In the second paragraph we see her stretching to the side table as if she is in the dark, and then when she finds the switch she turned the room into darkness? I had to stop and think about it, which kills the pace. When we were “told” that she was certain she was being drugged, instead of telling us that you might have given her some action that would have shown her being drugged. And since she was not tied down, why didn’t she try to get out of there? After all, she had been there for three-weeks?

I would have liked to know something of this character in order to understand why anyone, especially in this medical place, would want her. Sol Stein points out that if the reader does not know the people in the wreck, they will not care what happens to them. Since I know nothing of this girl, she is just another statistic. Instead, I would characterize her by her thoughts and actions. You should always try to characterize every chance you have. Not by what you tell us, but by what she does and says.

Then you tell us that Helga has arms larger than Hulk Hogan’s and no one is going to believe that. I have seen large German athletes, and though they may be large, their arms are not even close to Hulk Hogan’s. It’s a minor point, but it stops the pace while the reader shakes his head. Once a reader loses credibility by facts that the author throws at him, it will cause him to stop reading the piece—perhaps altogether.

Although urine has a distinct smell, blood does not. Without more to go on, I do not know why the “dreaded West Wing” is dreadful. You have to give the reader something. Perhaps what other patients have said, or how they acted when the West Wing is mentioned. Also, writing in the third-person point of view (POV) is preferred by publishers, however, when you told us what the creepy Elvis doctor guy thought, “He had different plans this time” you went from third-person to omniscient POV. And the omniscient POV is difficult to write, and most publishers will not touch it. You also mentioned that Helga placed tape over her mouth, but I can’t buy the fact that she preferred it that way. Even though it would be muffled, she would still cry out when tortured only with the tape over her mouth she would not be able to breath and would end up choking on her own spit or passing out. Is that what she wants?

Most of these things are trivial, but when competing for someone’s attention, which every story does, these small things causes the reader to stop reading because he does not buy these points. Every story must be credible. The reader will not read something that he does not believe in. At one point Helga puts her in the “reclining chair” but later on, presumably in the same place, she clamps her down on a bed. Which is it?

I am not trying to be cruel, but only want to read the good story that I know is in your head. When I read the title and intro I was sold, but after fighting with the mistakes in grammar and sentence structure, I would not be inclined to read further. However! These things are all correctible! Take a college class in grammar, learn online, but without this knowledge I am afraid your story will not get out of your head. Also I would look for local critique groups. Call your libraries; most of them have information on such groups. There is nothing like having a person, or a group of people, working together with the same goal in mind. Change your word processor to have it evaluate your writing to formal, and get rid of those passive sentences. Remember, writing is a craft. And anyone can learn a craft; it just takes desire. I hope that what I have said does not cause you to give up. You have a great story, and I thank you for allowing me to read it.

My review has been submitted for consideration in item:1803385 .
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