What I liked
*The theme of the poem is beautiful - you have a way of writing about spirituality that is not preaching or condemning of others - just pure and beautiful.
What I liked
*The raw emotion in this poem is outstanding. You have done an excellent job in taking the feelings of being lonely and writing about them in a universal manner.
Grammar and Technical Issues
*Line 7 - maybe instead of capitalizing each word, you could italize the phrase to place emphasis on it?
I really didn't see much of a difference between this version and the full version, other the scene where Gabriel catches his father drinking in the bedroom. I still believe that this is an excellent piece of writing, abridged or unabridged. Both stories are well crafted and well done!
What I liked
*Wow - very tension filled. I didn't think that the piece lacked focus, but I will read the abridged version and see what the differences are -
What I liked
*Another riveting piece. The emotion that you have expressed is outstanding. This piece has an ebb and flow to it that is remarkable - this is something to be very proud of!
Grammar and Technical Issues
*Than in the 5th stanza - should it be Then?
What I liked
*You write with pure emotion in this piece. I was immediately drawn into the story from the beginning and was held captive until the end. You have a talent for writing about emotions - great work!
What I liked
*Very nice! You make the main character someone that is not easily liked at the beginning, but he turns into a hero at the end of the story. Very nicely written!
What I liked
*Very nicely done. I love the last line of the story. The great thing is that you have written only 50 words, but have a great deal of emotion in those 50 words - well done.
I have a few suggestions (and please, take them or leave them - this is first and foremost YOUR work):
Your thoughts are lost under a sea of descriptive words. While the words that you chose help the reader to visualize what is going on, they also mask the main point of the story. While some descriptive words are helpful and necessary to the story, some are just cluttersome.
It's obvious that you have a talent for writing descriptive pieces, but this piece has so much more potential. Because of the amount of unnecessary words, it's hard to find out what you are trying to convey -
*Is it the old lady or the little girl who gets hurt?
*Why is there a barber pole in the story to begin with?
Was this written for a contest? If so, you can indicate this at the beginning or end of the story. Sometimes contests require that you use prompts, specific words or phrases - when reading and reviewing, it helps to know if a piece was written for a specific contest.
You could also let the reader know why you chose to write this piece - was it an idea you've always had? Was it something that you've wanted to try? Again, this helps the reader understand where you, as the author, are coming from and what to expect from the story.
As I said before, you have a great deal of potential with this story, it just needs some clarification and cleaning up.
Thanks for sharing this piece - if you want help or need me to clarify something, just e-mail me and let me know - I'd love to help!
What I liked
*Thank you for sharing your beliefs - you have written a wonderful piece. I think that many have not looked at Christ in this manner, but if you read Song of Solomon, you will also see that it is written in this manner (I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine). Well done!
Grammar and Technical Issues
*Christ knows that because I have been raised in a sinful world and I am not going to be perfect. Take out "because"
What I liked
*You have a great idea here - and you also have a great start to a crime series. I also like the name that you have picked out for the main character. I look forward to reading more!
What I liked
*The background that you give - it shows the way that your writing has changed as you have grown. I think that everyone, at some point in their life, has had something in their life that motivated them. To me, it looks like the breakup with your girlfriend was the impetus you needed to move on and up with your writing (and she didn't sound like she supported you at all!).
*The prose at the end - I think all of us who write share the same sentiments
What I liked
*This was a very powerful story - it immediately grabbed my attention and held it right through the very end!
Grammar and Technical Issues
* They’d always gone there on for lunch. - Either "gone there for lunch" or "gone there on lunch (lunch break? lucnh time?)
What I liked
*The theme of the poem - you have captured the hopelessness of the people on the slave ship.
*The imagery - it is so well written and it is a nice juxtaposition - the horror of the slave ship against the beauty of the water and the moon beams.
Grammar and Technical Issues
*None noted - great work!
What I liked
*The overall message of the piece - you have the same questions that I'm sure many people do. You have expressed them well in this writing.
Grammar and Technical Issues
*I would suggest adding a space between each paragraph - it makes it easier to read on the computer screen.
What I liked
*The words that you have chosen to use - very eloquent and beautiful.
*The flow of the poem - very nicely done
*The rhyme scheme - you have obviously put a lot of time and effort into this poem (and all of the other ones you posted for review)
Grammar and Technical Issues
*none noted - again - see my previous comment about the ratings -
What I liked
*The theme of the poem - you don't come out and say that you would like the friendship to evolve into "more", but it is evident in the poetry.
Grammar and Technical Issues
*none noted - again - see my previous comment about the ratings - the poems that you have written will get a lot more exposure if the intro rating and the item rating are both E - you have met the requirement for an E rating - e-mail me if you would like to know how to change the rating.
What I liked
*The fact that you share the writings of others on WDC - I like this idea and the fact that you have dedicated space in your port to promoting the works of others.
What I liked
*The emotion expressedin the poem - the reader can feel the immense love that you have for your husband. The poem is universal - it can translate to husband, wife, or lover.
*The imagery in the poem is so well written - I can picture the nature items you write about to describe how you feel.
*The rhyme scheme - it doesn't distract the reader or take away from the overall theme of the poem.
What I liked
*The emotions in the poem - you are able to express everything that you are feeling in a way that is easy to understand and is straightforward.
*The theme of the poem - you have done a great job in developing a theme that is universal (longing for love).
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What I liked 
Grammar and Technical Issues 
A Reviewathon Reviewer
Your thoughts are lost under a sea of descriptive words. While the words that you chose help the reader to visualize what is going on, they also mask the main point of the story. While some descriptive words are helpful and necessary to the story, some are just cluttersome.