If you want to send encouragement, give out a few Gift Points. Reserve your ratings for the sincere evaluation of items.Wow, what a great sentiment! That is a very good point. Thanks!
Telling someone that his/her item is perfect when it is indeed not does nothing but give false hope to the author.Here, here! More applause.
are not helping your friend by giving false feedback. People can get that from family and friends offline; they come to Writing.Com for honesty.More great words! Wow, you must be brilliant!!
You need to start with yourself and reevaluate your own reaction to the numbers.Still clapping.{/b}
This is a great piece! I love all the wonderful points you make! I am bookmarking it and will include it at the end of my "how I rate" page (if I ever get it up). Fantastic job!
{PS Since your points were all clear and concise, your diction perfect, and there were no grammatical or technical errors, I am going to give you an 'honest' 5. So don't feel that it's just a 'pat on the back', LOL!)
My initial thoughts and impressions. Your words are italicized;mine are in blue.
Honor is a very important characteristic in a person, and it is a principle that is in serious decline in people anymore.You repeat the person/people phrase. Though it is not an exact repetition, it still causes a mental stumble. You can probably get away with kicking the 'in a person', and/or change the 'people' to 'society', which will give you a broader base.
And those beliefs must have a strong basis on what is good and what is right.Starting with 'and' weakens this sentence; you could probably get away with nixing it, OR you could possibly add this to the sentence before.
Things like not breaking a promise, not taking advantage of those weaker than you are simply for personal gain, etc.This is an incomplete sentence. Perhaps you can nix the 'and' from before and merge these two sentences.
This is a very interesting piece, but I find myself wanting it to be fleshed out a bit more. For instance, you wait to define honor until the middle of the essay, but you point to examples of "dishonorable" behavior before that. I think it would be more effective to provide us with a definition first, then give us your examples and why such actions are dishonorable.
Also, I have to confess I like the definition from www.dictionary.com; Principled uprightness of character; personal integrity. This is similar to what you say, but a bit shorter, clearer, and punchier. Perhaps you can smooth your definition up a bit?
A technical suggestion on the reading: I have found that it helps the reader if you add an extra blank line between paragraphs.
Great work, and welcome to Writing.com!
Keep writing!
SG
I checked your port - I see you decided not to STAY a 'normal, free' member, LOL!
I enjoyed your article. It almost convinced me not to upgrade. Well, no, it didn't, I am still lusting after an upgrade, LOL, but you made some great points; primarily the "read & review" one. And you did it without lecturing; I like your "reading is fun!" "reviewing is great!" enthusiasm.
I like your honesty in the "pain and disillusionment" phase of your writing. It's true. We want everything FREE FREE FREE!! Yet you do a good job of pointing out that w/o money we wouldn't have this great site, and manage not to "preach". Thanks for that!
After sometime [that's actually after 2 weeks] Some & time should be two words, and there should be a comma after weeks]
But I'm still not convinced that not being able to write any more is a GOOD thing! LOL
Thanks for the great essay. I enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing!
SG
My initial thoughts & corrections; your words are italicized, mine are in blue.
She picked up the phone./“Katherine Fletcher,” she said. No need for a paragraph break here. I also think you can nix the "she said".
I’d been planning on hiking there this weekend, anyway.Kind of an awkward statement. Maybe "I was planning"?
Another thirty minutes passed, of laughing and stories.I think this might run smoother if you move it around some; Another thirty minutes of laughing and stories passed.
The view was breathtaking, was what they’d come to see.Doubling up of a weak verb (was); Perhaps, The breathtaking view was what...?
knew it, she thought: nothing’s changed at all.Comma after thought instead of semicolon. If you want to use the semi, knock out 'she thought' or move it to later so it reads I knew it: nothing's changed
“I’ve never really been an outdoorsy sort of person.”Then why on earth did she invite him to hike the GC? Seems kind of rude to me. And not like you can just say "oh, let's go" midway down.
Pete contemplated a way to save face, came up with one. Another comma slice. Try "Pete, contemplating a way to save face," or knock out the comma after 'face' and insert an 'and'
This was a very enjoyable piece. I like the way you conclude it, though I do have to wonder if it really WAS the wind... Either way, it's a nice 'bridge' over the canyon.
You have a tendency towards comma splices. Otherwise, you do a good technical job. I've included a helpful piece (not by me) for more technical info; comma splices are under 'run-on sentences'
Wow! What an interesting breakdown of the statistics! Youdo a great job of clearly explaining what each piece means, as well as a comprehensive review of how to utilize the information. I appreciate the example page; it gives me something to see that I, as a non-upgraded member,would not otherwise experience. It also encourages me to utilize this feature that I would most likely have otherwise neglected.
Thank you for this terrific piece! Fantastic job!
Write on!
SG
Your first verse sets me up for a rhyme scheme, because the words filled and will are so close, I figure you are 'fitting' them. The lack of rhyme later jarrs me as I read. I'm not criticizing lack of rhyme, I know it's not necessary for poetry, but you have set us up with expectations, then drop us without fulfilling them. I suggest changing your first verse somewhat.
Also, the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stanzas all start with an -ing, though the first does not. In fact, those three all have a very similar form, though the first does not. Again, you have an implied structure that has been dashed away. My recommendation is either to revamp the first stanza OR to add a fourth similar to the first to "wrap it up" neatly.
I enjoy your poem and the way you convey emotion. However, I feel like you start towards form, then drop it, which is rather inconsistant.
You have done a great job with diction and imagery. On a technical note, consider adding a comma after "fascinating".
Very interesting piece. You did a good job of conveying the mood in short, jerky phrases that actually did increase my heartbeat and make me breathe faster. Good work!
A few technical notes:
It has taken it's tollShould be its
Also, your last line ends/is 'forevermore' and the first line of that verse ends 'more', which is a bit of repetition; not sure if that was intentional or not.
I think also, with the jerkiness of the poem, you might consider omitting a few of the periods at the end of the lines.
These are my initial impressions and thoughts as I read through (mostly technical errors, but some other stuff, too):
“Now exiting the Kingdom of Noodle. Have a wonderful day and please come back and visit!!!” and she had neither met anyone nor spied any signs of inhabitants. Now her supply of Repetition of the word 'now'
Granted, standing up usually does not solve problems (unless one is sitting upon a cactus)Ha ha ha! A very good point!
The uniformed pilot reined the horsesWhere did they stop? In front of Fett.? Before reaching her? After passing her?
flung the door of the carriage open. As the carriage door banged against the carriage’s sideThat's a lot of carriages!! Perhaps "flung the door of the carriage open. As the carriage doorit banged against the carriage’s side"
but Fettuccine reveled in all the new words and happily noted the absence of “noodle.”This whole paragraph made me snicker, from the 'ask if I can possibly assist you' on. Good work, very funny!
The Dukes and Duchesses of Pesto all agreed on how horrible and narrow-minded the citizens of Noodle were.Perhaps move this to the beginning of the paragraph and have her be offended at everyone?
a look of distaindisdain
The Counts and Countesses of Pesto are very horrible and narrow-minded people. Okay, this was a little confusing until I realized that one group is counts & one is dukes. I am trying to decide if it is just my own stupidity (I think it is) or if there is something you can do to help clarify that...
Duke and Duchessespluralize Duke
Great job! You're going to give me a run for my money, LOL.
You did a good job of continuing Fettuccine's character in the same vein, and I enjoyed the lesson she learned. Good teaching w/o preaching.
This is a very interesting take on Christmas with a dog! (I say this having never celebrated one) You do a good job of explaining the owner's position and feelings; however I am left with a few questions.
Here they are, along with some technical notes:
There is no post this morning but canines are pre-programmed to bark viciously at the letter box at unearthly hours in the morning so the family, as always , are rudely blasted from sleep before they are ready. A few things here. First, you repeat morning, so you might consider trying There is no post today to avoid repetition. Second, there should be no space between 'always' and the comma. Third, 'family' is singular so it should be is rudely blasted
Ablutions completed and seasonal salutations all round (Humbug!)Need a comma after your )
shovelling I muse. shoveling
This year I have excelled myself I'm not sure you should use 'excelled' yourself, as 'excel' sounds a little clunky here. Perhaps 'outdone'? Or just, I have excelled.
by preparing home made homemade
so we decideAt this point, I'm left wondering, who is 'we'? You & spouse? You & kids? You & in-laws? I think this needs to be clarified at or before this point; perhaps a brief mention of who is over for dinner?
Tail wagging furiously, tongue lolling, eyes gleaming; he sets about opening his gifts. Use a comma instead of a semicolon. However this sentence is jam-packed with information, almost too much. I think you can do away with at least one description and still convey his excitement. Or you can move part of the description elsewhere.
Also, I can understand a dog opening gifts if they are food (ie tearing at the wrapping to get it), but squeaky toys? Or anything else he can't smell? That seems a little farfetched. I'm not a dog person, so maybe all dogs open presents? but it seems a little improbable.
Mr Heinz Need a period after 'Mr'
leaving his eighty eight year old eighty-eight
to find her own way up the slippery path unaided The combination of 'find her own way' and 'unaided' seems repetitive; you may consider striking one or the other
he cannot for some reason abide Commas around 'for some reason'
I don’t think I fancy those chicken sandwiches now.What chicken sandwiches? The ones the dog ate, or the ones you were going to eat?
Is the owner male or female? I honestly have no clue.
This is an interesting poem, with a good contrast in the children's names. I like the idea of the siblings born in spirit, like the man and wife. I also like the way you spell out The militant sword
shall triumph in peace
for they are born of spirit.
I enjoyed this poem, although there were several things I did not follow very well. However, you have some beautiful images and similes that I enjoyed very much.
For instance, I enjoyed But tonight
I watch you pass
from the shadow of your father
into a world more light
This is a good poem. I can see why you would laugh at "humbly", it is a funny-sounding word. I enjoyed the irony; I think you're right and children are the only ones who can laugh at that word!
This is an interesting story. You have provided us with an inclination of why someone might change from being a Christian minister to something totally different, "evil" even (I say tounge in cheek). You have done a good job of presenting the "other side" of the arguement to me. The only worry I have is that there is a lot of telling and less interaction; I know the "telling" is necessary for the "dialouge-only" part, but I wonder if you might be able to tell more interactively. For instance, the preacher's sudden flip seems rather odd - I would have thought he would come "armed" with scripture to refute, especially as he has already done so much research. Perhaps more of a discussion, with the preacher refuting, and then Rakes refuting again?
I look forward to seeing this when you enlarge it.
A few technical issues:
“Excuse me, I don’t want to bother you, I see you’re into your book but my name is David Farworthy, I was hoping that I could talk with you if you have a few minutes.”This is a very long intro sentence. Perhaps you may want to break it up into several smaller ones?
As long as your notyou're
I like the way you have them introduce each other, very original
But keep in mind You repeat 'but' in the next sentence.
to use your organizations wordsorganization's
How much time do you have.This is a question, so it should have a ?
But you know what I mean. You need to close this with "
This is hysterical! Great work. Very humerous and interesting. I especially loved the solution to step #9 (tossing the 'accepteds') but I have to wonder where she got published, LOL.
Thank you for posting your basis for your rating system. I really enjoy reading different folks "standards" and adjusting my own accordingly (I am still feeling out the rating system here).
I found your standards for a '5' very interesting, and also the fact that you rarely post a score below a '4'.
There are a few places you repeat yourself, but I am working with the assumption that it's a "get this through your thick head" repetition; specifically on the subject of believability and on the subject of a rhyme scheme.
Overall, this leaves me with a clear feeling of what I need to do to rate a '5', and what I have done to earn a '5', should I earn one.
A very interesting story. I am not sure I completely understand the end yet. I loved the prank, though, absolutely terrible/hysterical!
Some technical notes:
Clinton Wayfield fishtailed his dad's 1998 Chevy Blazer through the second of several sharp curves on the abandoned haul road the locals called Snakeback Drive. Sitting shotgun, Vicki Stimpson This is a lot of information for the first sentence and a half. You've managed to cram in last names, make & model, and info on the road, all of which are good details but make it a little hard to get through. Perhaps you can make it a little punchier, then add some of the extra details later? Your second sentence is also very, very long - five and a half lines - which makes it easy to get lost in the first paragraph.
"Where are we going?" She asked - lowercase 'she'
yet it had eluded her for four straight years - you repeat the phrase 'four years' within two sentences, which trips up your reader a bit.
had pulled during hers and Clinton's sophomore year. - you should be able to trim it to "their sophomore year", which flows better
He had told some friends afterward that his biggest fear was that the fish would attempt an escape by darting into the toilet's downspout, effectively ruining the prank, which is why he had tested his idea at home the night before and was delighted to discover that the small bluegill he had placed in the guest bathroom after his parents had gone to bed was swimming in the bowl the next morning, alive and seemingly quite comfortable in its new surroundings, darting about the bowl and completely ignoring the potential escape hatch.Another long sentence, you should be able to break it down into two or even three.
"Where are we going?" She asked again.lowercase 'she'
You did good describing Vicki and capturing her realistically. Clinton was also interesting.
Wow! Great story! I like the way you differentiate between "Daniel" and "Dan". Your descriptions were realistic and quite believable. You did a good job of implying what caused his stress, but I think maybe you should expand on it a little. It sounds like a recent divorce + heavy workload, but I'm not completely certain.
Paula, was making "rabbit ears" behind Daniel's head. - don't need a comma after 'Paula'
This is very well-written and impressive. You managed to capture the narrator very well; his hopes for grandeur, his disappointments and frustrations. Your dialogue is very believable, and you do a fantastic job of capturing emotion.
There were a few technical errors that need to be cleaned up:
escape it‘s grasp - its
Really, why you say that - forgot 'do'
“Go talk to her then.” He actually sounded concerned, but I didn’t realize then. - repeated then, which is kind of awkward
the same eyes that just a week ago had been so innocent and hopeful. Now there was a pain in her eyes - repeated 'eyes'
last of her hope was crushed. As we stared at each other in the silence, the last chance at a fairy tale (/i) - repeat 'last'
no where to turn, no where to escape - 'nowhere' is one word
Your essay was absolutely hysterical. You digress all over the place, then make your digressions totally natural bits that fit into the piece. About the only suggestion I have is to bump your rating up to 13+ (profanity, sex, et al). Otherwise, a perfectly wonderful piece on the, uh, opposite sex.
I like this story, it's very humerous/tragic. There are a few technical errors (see below), but for the most part it is very convincing. The only thing I want to know is - why? Why did she go out with him, if he was part of the "loser", "other" crowd? Did she think he was cute? Did they become friends? Did she have nothing else to do/no other date? As it stands, it doesn't completely click in my mind.
Otherwise, great job.
SG
Grammer:
high school, did I really - don't need the comma had never seen one previously - this sounds a little stilted, I know it's overused but I think "before" would work fine here wearing, yet another, tight-knit - don't need either comma Your disgusting - should be "you're" an end, so much - I think this would work as 2 sentences
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Either way, it's a nice 'bridge' over the canyon.
