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201
201
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
Now this is an interesting poll. Hmmmm....

From a technical perspective: You have this listed as a poll, but no genres! Adding genres - 'writing.com' immediately springs to mind, as does 'writing' and 'hobbies' - will help you get a bit more exposure and more votes for this piece. I like your title, and both it and your brief description are interesting enough to draw the reader in. I found no spelling or spacing errors, and only one punctuation error:

Be honest though, do you rate EVERYTHING you read? comma after 'honest' and use a dash or semicolon after 'though' to break this in half

In terms of content: This is an interesting poll. The one thing that puzzles me, however, was your answer here No, I'd rather give a bad rating than no rating It seems that perhaps you meant 'good' instead of 'bad'? I just don't see most folks on the site preferring a bad rating to a good one (though after so many votes, I can see why you wouldn't want to change it). Also, I'd like to see you line your answers up a bit more linearly so there is a nice 'midpoint'; the method you have is fairly scattered. Again, I understand not changing after so much time. *Wink* I haven't ever done a poll, but I would imagine it would skew your results to shift answers now.

Note: Having just voted, I'm suprising how many that answer turned up!

Otherwise, I think you cover the board with your answers. Your question is a bit leading, with the statement Be honest implying that we don't really R&R everything.

Also, in terms of your background notes, I can't imagine (though I'm sure it happens) folks getting excited about a hundred views and only 5 R&Rs; don't they know some folks click on a page and then don't even read it? I confess to being guilty of this if the piece is too error-filled in the first paragraph and I can't IMAGINE making it through, or if I'm looking for a short story and someone has filed a poem in that genre (or vice versa). In those terms, the question is if we rate everything we read, not open, which will affect our number of 'views', etc.

Anyway, this was an interesting poll! I confess, I like seeing the results. *Bigsmile*

Write on!
SG
202
202
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a very interesting perspective on R&Ring. I have to say – so you know where I’m coming from – that I do more closely follow Storymistress’ rating scale, but (in my defense) I have also given out a number of 5s. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure –5 of 5 stars – This was correctly listed as an essay, and your genres were all appropriate. Your title and brief description both draw readers in and relate clearly to the piece. I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors.

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars – Your sentence structure was clear and easy to follow; I only found one sentence (listed below) that read a bit awkwardly. You had no runons or fragments to detract from the piece.

It can be universally understood that a 5.0 indicates that you enjoyed the item very much and have no suggestions, but when you rate 3.5, for example, what does that mean? This is a little awkward to follow; I would consider breaking it into two sentences.

Your paragraphs, however, had a tendency to leap from one point to the next, sometimes without a clear transition. Again, I’ve listed the ones I had trouble with below. However, this is a pretty long essay, and the majority of your paragraphs are well composed and follow the point all the way through.

First, let me talk about “perfect.” This paragraph feels a little awkward, mainly because you start off talking about perfection (which you do a great job of developing, incidentally), and then move to talking about too-literal interpretations. Although they are connected, they don't feel close enough to warrent the same paragraph; I would consider breaking to a new paragraph with this sentence I am more than a little mistrustful of those who interpret documents too literally. I would also look at smoothing that transition slightly, perhaps referring back to interpreting Storymistress' rating system. This will tighten the paragraph a bit more and make the jump a bit easier to follow.

I commend that elite class of people who have actually accompanied their sub-4.0 ratings of my items with reviews, however spotty they might be. This paragraph is a little awkward. You jump from this point to noting a reviewer who did not back up their piece. I understand you are focusing the remainder of the paragraph on however spotty they might be, but the crux of the intro sentence is the commendation, with the 'spotty' part feeling like an afterthought.

For the most part, you move from paragraph to paragraph fairly easy. There were a few rough spots, the most awkward of which I’ve listed below, where you tend to jump somewhat suddenly from one paragraph to the next.

Some people hand out 1.0 ratings This jump feels a bit sudden; I didn't see it coming from the previous paragraph regarding an example of your differing opinion of that 3.0-rater (I'd be interested to know if she wrote anything about her reviewing methods, as that would be interesting to read).

Also, this paragraph was a little hard to follow. You jump from talking about 1.0s to people wanting to improve their skills and then back to the 1.0. I see the connection, but again, they are somewhat tenuous, and I would consider taking another look at this paragraph.


Content – 9.25 of 10 stars – I have to say that I disagree with your rating method in general, but that you do a good job of presenting how you view rating and supporting your views. Your language is clear and easy to follow, and you put forth some good examples. You also made several points that I agreed with (and a couple I disagreed with); both are listed below.

The one thing I would like to see you do is tighten this a bit more structurally. I’d like to see more of an intro and conclusion and have you move to a point; as it is, this reads more as a self-expression than an essay (you might consider labeling it as an ‘article’ or ‘column’, though it remains unpublished). I expect a bit more “formality” to an essay, I suppose.

In college, it is probably more like a B+. Unless all the professors follow the stupid Bell curve. (that’s a jab at them, not you)

any rating without a review is absolutely meaningless. I highly agree, and think you definately did good to bold this point!

He or she will know that the rating is meaningless, Actually – and quite sadly – they don’t always realize that, especially if they are new to the site.

I assume that the mistakes will be fixed quickly Again, sadly, that often isn’t true in my experience. I’ve noted various misspellings and punctuation errors (no quotes, no periods, etc) and when I look back a few weeks or even months later, they are still there. It depends, I think, on how error-laden the piece is; I’ve noticed folks who make a ton of mistakes and/or don’t bother to run any spell check don’t seem to care about fixing it. Very disappointing.

you shouldn’t necessarily rely on the mean average rating as the most accurate indication of an item’s quality This is what you are trying to say at this point, but it doesn’t work as part of the summary of the piece as a whole, which is how I take it.

Although you didn’t persuade me to your perspective, you certainly made some points that I found myself agreeing with, and I can understand the “method behind the madness”.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars – The flow for this piece was a little disjointed, primarily because you tend to jump around somewhat in your paragraphs. It makes it harder for me as a reader to follow along with your points. Also, as I said, you don’t work your way towards a specific conclusion, which also makes it a bit hard to follow.

Overall: You do a good job of stating your case and providing rational, credible reasons behind your reviewing methods. I enjoyed a different perspective.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Make sure you complete one point before moving on to the next, and try to smooth out your transitions between paragraphs.

Suggestion #2 – Consider moving towards a solid conclusion, or relisting this as something other than an essay, though I think it would strengthen the piece even if it is something else

Suggestion #1 – Tighten your paragraphs somewhat to avoid skipping around within them


Star Total: 22.0/25
Averaged: 4.4
Rounded: 4.5

Write on!
SG
203
203
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Another interesting story about Zan. I like the way you tell this, and once again enjoy your imagery. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, and your genres are all appropriate to the piece.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and brief description both fit the piece, but are a little bland. I would consider revamping them to draw more interest, and thus more readers.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs; I only found one spacing error.

The General flushed a deeper and deeper red. You have an extra line break after this paragraph.

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No dialogue tag errors; it was always clear who was speaking.

*Bullet*Punctuation. – A couple of punctuation errors, mostly commas.

Waiters floated the floor offering trays heaped with obscene amounts of food comma after ‘floor’

Vermilion crystal fluted glasses as well as navy highball glasses charted past carrying their sensuous ferments. comma after ‘past’

a middle-aged middle-incomed delegate comma after ‘aged’

She took a sip of her drink, instead and glanced at her escape door no comma

The General had had quite a little bit to drink, sooner or later, his bladder reflex had to kick in. use a semicolon after ‘drink’

At the stair well, they’d gone down two flights across another corridor and ridden the lift up six floors. comma after ‘corridor’

less spacious than the General’s, though certainly more pretentious with exotic wall hangings, and drapes flowing across the ceiling. comma after ‘pretentious’; you don’t need a comma after ‘hangings’ because there is only one thing listed before the ‘and’, but if you don’t it will sound like the wall hangings flow across the ceiling.

He’ll behave and I’m willing to bet he’d pay a fortune to keep himself out of jail comma after ‘behave’

*Bullet*Spelling. –

ever so feminine hyphenate

At the stair well stairwell

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have a couple of structurally awkward sentences that make your meaning hard to follow. You tend towards the occasional runon and fragment, but you make them fit in the piece, so the ones I’ve listed are those that tend to stand out.

Kozander smiled at the inauguration ballroom of gilded and jeweled gowns, coiffures, and steamed tuxedos before her. The adjectives ‘gilded and jeweled’ seems to imply the whole set (ie, the coiffures and tuxedos), not just the gowns. Consider restructuring.

She patted the sweat off her hand in a friendly gesture on the back of a passing gentleman, smiling. This is a little broken up and hard to follow. I think it’s the friendly gesture that confused me. Also, the smiling could apply either to Zan or the passing gentleman.

She sipped the sweet, it always gave her a headache if she drank too quickly. You haven’t really put many runons in, and this one is a bit awkward; we expect the focus to go towards the ‘sweet’, not the ‘sipped’

had just released him from duty I’m curious how an insignia would note that he was recently retired? Perhaps this is something you’ve noted earlier, the ability to date it, but it does seem a bit odd/awkward.

each second stretching into millenniums, aching to be known, Each second is aching to be known? I’m not sure I follow your intent here.

She finished her glass of Gana fruit rum, licking the sweet spice from her lips and considered. Awkward. It feels like you need a comma after ‘lips’, but I’m not fully certain.

People passed between, talking and laughing, cologne itching her nose, but she didn’t waver one inch. You change subjects mid-sentence here, from ‘people’ to ‘she’; the cologne spot is especially hard to follow over.

Then he pushed her out of the room and clicked the door shut between them, to use the facility The last part is unnecessary; you’ve done a good job with the setup, and so that part is not needed.

She backed to the door, Ruva rushed toward her, his face marred by the fear she would leave, his step heavy and stumbling. I would go ahead and break this into two pieces.

Flinging it open and bolting into the hallway just as the General reached her. Fragment

She didn’t even wait for him to get to the room, the moment he stepped out of her way, she sprinted after German, her heels tapping as fast as they would allow her to go This is a bit awkward; the runon works here but with the last part her heels tapping as fast as they would allow her to go, it’s just too much to take in at once.

At the stair well, they’d gone down two flights across another corridor and ridden the lift up six floors. Awkward; you’re saying that she went down two flights, across a corridor, and up a lift, all at the stairwell.

seemingly to caress her I would use ‘seeming’ rather than ‘seemingly’

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – I only found one spot where the sentences in the paragraph don’t quite line up clearly. Otherwise, each paragraph is well composed, and the action builds up well.

Fat bellies and pompous moustaches. Jewels and money dripping from their pockets, their accounts, and their safes. Her prey. I’m uncertain of which group this refers to, or if it refers to all three. The assumption is that it applies to those who had been married, so be sure that is what you intended.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Other than a couple of rough spots, the paragraphs move easily from one to the next. You do a good job of building up each point and moving in a clear and logical progression to the end of the story.

The General, Ruva, thought she and German had come to the inauguration together and she’d been dumped by German and had, therefore, had too much to drink This is something of a jump from the current pace of your story. I think it’s too much, too soon. Do a touch more “showing”, rather than the rapid jump, even if you just skip to the right-before-they-go-up scene, where she’s sitting at her table shooting daggers towards German, or whatever she did.

First he gave her a peck on the cheek., then German tipped his head down to hers and whispered his lips across hers. It doesn’t seem like he would do one, then the other, especially considering they must be in a hurry to not be discovered; it should be one or the other

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This was a great plot. You had me curious from the beginning, and you managed to build up the tension. You had a couple of neat twists involved – moving from one ‘target’ to the next, the intro of German – that kept me moving through, especially since I already knew German was ‘the love of her life’. Incidentally, you may not want to give away that info in the brief description; should someone read this piece and not the previous one, it would help build the tension even further.

*Bullet*Character definition. – You do a good job of characterizing Zan and German both. The General comes off a bit stilted and flat – I think if you build up that middle section with the wooing, he would come across much clearer. German stands out with his smile, but I’d like to see a bit more about him – eyes and hair, especially – although, as I said, his smile is the obvious catcher. Also, in terms of description, you describe Zan flat out but little of it sticks at that point. I like how you manage to use phrases like gold-tipped lashes and, of course, her ear tracelets. Insert a couple more of those details through the story to help make them further stand out.

*Bullet*Language. – You have a few awkward word choices, but overall, I love your imagery. I only listed one or two spots, but you make fantastic use of it throughout the piece.

The murmur of the crowd boiled, disdainful of the details of living. Your wordchoice is a little awkward. I’m not sure how a ‘murmur’ boils, and the second part of the sentence doesn’t seem to fit, either.

She still had plenty of wow left in her I’m not sure ‘wow’ fits the overall tone of this piece.

navy highball glasses charted past I’m not sure ‘charted’ works well in this sentence

a group of older gentlemen, country-clubbed and mistressed, all I’d like to see a bit more explanation of how she surmised that so quickly; the same with the middle-aged middle-incomed delegate . Just a line or so of what made her conclude so quickly – rich tuxes and satisfied looks no wife could give, balding head and cheap tux; that sort of thing. Then have her reach her conclusion.

This man who seemed to grasp her breath and shape it in his hands. I like this imagery/language here.

Jewels and money dripping from their pockets, their accounts, and their safes Also good imagery

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was an enjoyable piece to read. I liked your imagery especially; you do a good job of painting the action. Again, this piece made me want to read further adventures of Zan.

Flow – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have a couple of awkward spots, but overall, your sentence flow is fairly smooth and easy to follow

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – The majority of your paragraphs are well composed and build off one another. Just a few bumps that disrupt the flow.

*Bullet*Progression. – You progress easily and smoothly from one paragraph to the next, the one exception being that summary paragraph.

Overall: Great imagery and a remarkable portrayal of action keep the reader intrigued throughout this piece. Great work!

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – You have just a few awkward word choices that I would suggest reconsidering.

Suggestion #2 – I’d like to see a bit more of the general – this should be fixed when you develop that paragraph – but it will help bring him to life a little better. I don’t get a full feel for why Zan finds him so distasteful.

Suggestion #1 – The one summary paragraph needs to be expanded slightly to keep the sentence flowing


Star Total: 21/25
Averaged: 4.25
Rounded: 4.5

Write on!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
204
204
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
You certainly have an interesting and unusual premise. I like the way you develop this story; there are certainly some artistic points in here. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, though I have to confess that, until the last paragraph or two, I thought of it more along the lines of an essay. I think you should definitely add ‘artistic’ to your genre list.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is appropriate, although I didn’t catch it until the end. I’d like to see you revamp your brief description to describe the the story itself.

*Bullet*Spacing. – I would highly recommend double-spacing between paragraphs. At the very least, you should indent each paragraph; doing both would be best. Use {indent#} without the # sign

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No dialogue, so no tag errors

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

They, whose words weigh heavy with malicious innuendo no comma

*Bullet*Spelling. –

always present hyphenate

the granite entry way entryway

Intermediate Structure – 3 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several awkward sentences that are difficult to follow. This is a very artistic piece, but is difficult to follow what is going on. I know you are trying to keep the identity of the narrator secret, but that can be detrimental when it is completely unclear what is happening.

That familiar soft creak of the floorboards, it must eight in the morning Runon sentence

A soprano inhalation as one foot falls to the ground, followed by the tenor, his power resonating from the body’s full mass driving into his diaphragm. Fragment; you don’t tell us what the soprano inhalation does.

Finally, a rest, a break in the slow beat, and a new, faster cadence joins the always present metronome lungs. Awkward; I’m not sure what is doing the joining here.

the twisting thorough ways of flesh Awkward; do you mean twistingly thorough? I’m still not sure I follow what you are saying, but that is a bit more structurally sound

Across the threshold and the conductor pauses briefly, cuing in a showery snare whisk and faint viola cord the first part is fragmentary, making this sentence hard to follow

The smooth fall in Doppler’s scale as countless cars roll by, their yielding wheels catching and releasing streaming bubbles of air against the pavement, captivating me First, this is fragmentary; the simplified version of your sentence reads The smooth fall captivating me – you should have ‘captivates’. Second, this sentence is a bit awkward and difficult to follow.

The clinking whir of bicycle spokes, preceded by tinny warning bells: ring-ring, ring-ring. Fragment

Drunk in their crescendos, I feel her stagger onward. Who is ‘her’?

Hands that work endlessly and discontentedly, for beyond the grimy glass doors they toil in an unnatural, unhealthy hellhole of chatter, naked fingers beating against hard bare plastic, striving desperately to complete each fabricated task. This has a lot of information and hard to follow

Not just what I relay instinctively, but original thoughts, truths and meanings Fragments

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are difficult to follow. I am unclear of what action is occuring in the piece, which makes it difficult to follow the sentences in your paragraphs. Again, you have several unclear points that could use some cleaning up. Take each action and break it up. Dictate the sounds around each performance. Make sure each paragraph is developed.

As water pours from the kitchen faucet, maestro allows herself to hum along with her daily score, sensing the pitch her musicians follow. They are perfect, I’m not sure what is perfect – the water, the maestro, or the pitch, but all are singular. You need to clarify what you are referring to.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – The majority of your paragraphs move well from one to the next. However, the next to last and final paragraph are told in a completely different tone and subject of the rest of the piece. Consider merging the piece so that the whole thing is told as a combination of the two.

Content – 8.25 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This was certainly an interesting piece. There was a great deal of imagery, but the movement is a bit hard to follow. It is very artistic, but that helps give the piece a bit more momentum than it would have otherwise had. However, it is difficult to follow the actions of the story; make sure you wrap things up tightly so the piece reads a little easier.

*Bullet*Character definition. – Your characters are, by definition, hard to follow, but for the way this piece is structured, you do a good job with them.

*Bullet*Language. – This is very artisticly rendered. There is some great imagery involved in this story. There are also some awkwrd spots.

The squeak rises I’m not sure how a squeak ‘rises’; I would look at some other words

Her footsteps drown in the cement ocean they travel Beautiful imagery

*Bullet*Reaction. – I was curious about the narrator, but the difficulty of the reading made it hard to make it to the end. As you clarify your meaning, the read will be easier.

Flow – 2.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have several awkward sentences that break the flow of the piece.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are difficult to follow. Because of the imagery you implement, make sure you focus only on one paragarph at a time; this will make said action easier to comprehend.

*Bullet*Progression. – The movement between paragraphs is fairly smooth, but there are a couple of sudden jumps that disrup the flow.

Overall: This was an interesting artistic piece. You had some lovely imagery that I woul dlike to see you develop more of, but your storyline was cerainly unique, as was your narrator! *Smile*

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Avoid references to ‘me’, which is confusing.

Suggestion #2 – Merge the tone of your final two paragraphs to fit with the rest.

Suggestion #1 – With the large amount of detail given, make sure each paragraph works around only one or perhaps two closely related actions. This will make following easier.


Star Total: 18.25/25
Averaged: 3.65
Rounded: 3.5

Write on!
SG

"Invalid Item" 
205
205
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you enjoy your stay here!

This was certainly an interesting story. You have an intriguing premise, and you certainly get to the emotional point. I found this listed in writings by ‘newbies’, under ‘short stories’. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars – This is correctly listed as a short story. Your genres are all appropriate, though I would consider ‘young adult, drama, teen, experience, or personal’. Your title is interesting and stands out, though I would like to have seen you develop that aspect of the story a bit more. Also, consider the impact of your brief description; think of it as the tag line on a book that makes the reader/buyer pick it up to read. Try to relate yours more to the story; something like She was different, she was special, she was a princess in the dark, or something to help summarize the story.

You double space between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading, but you have a large number of spelling and punctuation errors:

She slowly got up being careful not to raise her head comma after 'up'

going to show off some how somehow

her tall tree like figurebut tree-like, comma after 'tall', space after 'figure'

guess i'll never I'll

life time lifetime

hit the gorund ground

hit the gorund: leaving a gaping comma instead of colon

Goodbye Penny thank you for not judging me” period after ‘me’; period after ‘goodbye’, comma after ‘Penny’ (otherwise we think that ‘Penny’ is the signers name)

killed.”. no period after the quotes

That was all I needed to say: None of us moved period instead of colon

Intermediate Structure – 3 of 5 stars – You have a lot of runon sentenence and sentences where it is hard to follow what is being said. Make sure you don’t skip over words or leave them out, which further complicates the sentence structure.

She walked in the long halls with the ‘’cool’’ kids looking at her, she could feel her cheeks burning up, like they did all the time when she walked down that same hall everyday. Runon sentence; hard to follow

But I didn’t get it then, and I guess I’ll never get why they did this. Awkward; move the why they did this to the beginning of the sentence so we understand what you 'didn't get'. I know you are using a format, but you can restructure the format of each sentence through the piece.

since the stuffy room was suffocating us in that cramp, small room Repetition; also, I think you mean 'cramped', not 'cramp'

The stench of dead of flowers lingered in the air and hainging there like an invisible cloth 'hung' instead of 'hanging'

Then again this isn’t the first time I’ve seen her like this Awkward; I would take out 'then again'

Not once did she look up to the board. She didn’t even look up Repitition

I didn’t understand what she was going on about because was mumbling but I’ve got use to that now. Unclear; I think a few words were left out

The teacher didn’t understand her so told her to come up to the front of the class. Awkward; you need a subject before the verb 'told' (ie, she told her)

She began her poem; she started slowly her voice barely a whisper, which came out in a soft blow of air, she tried to speak louder but she couldn’t the kids were at it again, the girls started to jeer and the boys started hurling paper balls at her. This is awkward and hard to follow; it needs to be broken up into several sentences.

Everyone left the class, shuffling out to the lunch hall; the boys most probably were going to show off some how to the girls in the canteen; most probably by stuffing themselves with the whole tub of coleslaw like last week. Awkward; break into multiple sentences.

I left and walked to my locker, her locker is two columns away from mine Runon sentence

She opened her locker, I could feel my eyes turn and linger on her tall tree like figurebut you could almost say she was tree that had lost all of her leaves. Runon sentence

I was getting my books out for the next class after lunch when all of a sudden she started to bang her fists against the lockers, I saw blood Runon sentence; make I saw blood a seperate sentence. Also, your timing is hard to follow; was this after lunch or at the same time you were staring at her tall, tree-like figure?

Back to the class again but this time this classroom was the total opposite of the other classroom. Repetition

How could those kids forget that girl after taunting her but no one didn't say anything Awkward. This is two sentence and you use a double negative with no one didn't say; consider no one said

That second seemed a life time when myself and the other kids looked outside the window to the field. This is awkward; I know you are trying to convey that the second it took you to look outside, but your sentence doesn’t convey that because of the order everything is laid out. Also, the myself and the other kids is very awkward; try ‘we’

That second seemed a life time when myself and the other kids looked outside the window to the field. From there the whole class looked at her and didn't utter a single word. Where is the ‘from there’ you are referring? From the window? From the field? That is what your structure conveys, but I don’t think that’s quite what you mean.

Her soft feather, brown golden hair No comma, hyphenate brown-golden, although this is a bit awkward; it is hard to visualize the hair

We stood there amazed while she fell to the muddy brown earth only to be brought back by the screech of a girl’s voice that echoed and bounced off all the walls. This is hard to follow; I would break into two sentences

Our class was outside, we stood around her body Runon sentence

I picked up the letter from her spindly fingers, it went like this: Runon sentence. I would remove the ‘it went like this’ and start a new paragraph with the letter

. I looked around at my class, now they are the ones who are crying her pain Runon sentence

I stand here now, the sunlight warming the cold air, I stand here now at her grave. Runon sentence

Content – 6.5 of 10 stars – This is an interesting story. I would like to see you develop it a little more. You tell this story from the outsider, almost-stranger perspective, which lends it a different perspective from what usually follows. I would like to see you actually show some more – tell us what the “cool” kids said, actually show us how they acted. This reads a lot like an essay rather than a story. Also, you have a couple of unclear points:

how that red treacle blood trickled I'm not sure how you don't get/understand how the blood trickled; are you sure you don't mean 'why'?

with sweet bitter tears I’m not sure why your tears would be ‘sweet’ at this point; it doesn’t seem appropriate. It’s also awkward; do you mean ‘bittersweet’?

treading a terrible path I like this imagery; I’d like to see you incorporate more of these throughout the story.

She walked in the long halls with the ‘’cool’’ kids looking at her, she could feel her cheeks burning up, like they did all the time when she walked down that same hall everyday. This puts us in the teased girl’s mind, when you are telling the story from the outsider’s viewpoint. She (Penny) wouldn’t know how Jia felt or what she thought. Make sure you stay in the same point of view throughout the story; switching breaks the flow.

Your characters are somewhat shallow and stereotypical – you have the “outcast” and the “cool kids”, and then the narrator doesn’t really have a personality. Flesh the people out some more to make them more realistic. Show us some more details to further draw us into the story.

Also, you start the story with She was kind of magnificent But you never really show us what was magnificent about her.

Flow – 3.25 of 5 stars – The errors in your sentences and paragraphs break up the flow of this piece somewhat. As you smooth out the worst of the errors, this will change. Also, watch out for awkward and unclear phrases. You do a good job of developing your But I didn’t get it then, and I guess I’ll never get why they did this, though this is an awkward sentence; consider restructuring it.

Overall: This was an interesting piece, and I like the perspective of coming from the outsider’s viewpoint.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Avoid spelling and punctuation errors, which deter many from R&Ring your piece.

Suggestion #2 – Give us some more details; rather than telling us, show us what is happening by giving us more action

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for awkward sentences that are unclear or hard to follow.


Star Total: 16.25/25
Averaged: 3.25
Rounded: 3.5

Keep writing!
SG
206
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a cute story! I found this listed with today's Writer's Cramp. You do a good job with the first sentence, but it doesn't quite flow into the story. For one thing, the leaky tent doesn't seem to be such a horrid thing; for another, you said you wished you knew it leaked, then say that's why I bought it. The implication is that you bought it because of the leak, not despite it.

I found a couple of technical errors:

elderly man / wearing an No line break needed

. “Sorry, Mr.,” spell out 'mister'

the little boy with freckles. // The scout leader You have one extra line break here

as a bucket of ice water landed in my lap. Awkward; perhaps a 'bucketful'?

And this was one of my favorite lines:

Marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars -- if you don’t know what that makes, you aren’t much of a camper!

Overall, a highly enjoyable story. Good luck!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
It’s interesting how you incorporate Jose, Maria, and the baby (and mule) into your Christmas story. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as a short story; your genres are appropriate.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and brief description both draw interest

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace; only one spacing error I saw

he's here." / Jose went to Extra line break needed

*Bullet*Dialogue. –

"Do you mind if my horse and I No tags make it difficult to determine who is speaking, especially as the thin-air man just appeared

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

the pain was too much for her. Quotes after ‘her’ to close dialogue

"Why don't you rest too," comma after ‘rest’, questionmark after ‘too’

*Bullet*Spelling. –

Tea needs to be lowercase

Intermediate Structure – 3.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have a few awkward sentences.

Something special for each one of them -Tea, a new coffee mug, a new dime novel, sweets, a fine leather hat strap, a new scarf, as well as a drawing pad and special pencils for his best friend Sentence fragment

Nothing - only whiteness This is actually contradictory, as ‘whiteness’ is, by definition, something. Perhaps rephrase to state His eyes found only whiteness, or something along those lines.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are awkwardly composed. I listed the first couple. Overall, you have a tendency to cover several subjects within one paragraph. Instead, focus each paragraph on a subject or action -–I don’t mean on one thing like petting the horse, but on unsaddling and going into the cave. Then move to a new paragraph to focus on his impressions as he walks inside, etc.

Your first paragraph is awkward – you go from cursing the decision to a list, to a realization of luck. I would like to see you develop a little more in the first paragraph why the rider was upset, then move on to why it was special.

but he decided to check one more time There is no need to tell us this – go on to the fact that he searched the area.

Your second paragraph also jumps. Specifically, you have him scanning the area and finding nothing, then suddenly spotting the cave. I would break this paragraph here: As he gently urged his horse forward, and merge this with the next one. Incidentally, I would also remove ‘gently’ – first, in a snowstorm, he isn’t going to be gentle, and second, it’s an unnecessary adverb.

"Hello? Anybody Start a new paragraph when you use dialogue. You do this several times; I won’t list them anymore.

He had been right. There was a fire. Awkward; by now, after the smelling and flickering, it should be obvious to anyone that a fire is burning. Perhaps change this and the next sentence to read The fire made the cave…

"I'm glad I could help. Where were you headed? Maybe I can go the doctor once the snow lets up," he said as he prepared more tea and shared what little food he had with Jose. Awkward. Rather than ramming the dialogue at us and then telling us the actions, why not help us visualize? Tell us each step as he does it, and break up the dialogue somewhat.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – The piece progresses logically. You tend to jump from paragraph to paragraph without clearly connecting the new one to the old. Work on developing a logical progression.

Content – 6.25 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This is an interesting story, and the correlation with the birth of the Christ child is definitely unique. On a side note – they were going to Joseph’s “home town” so that would be where his family was from, not her. The action was a little difficult to follow because of the way you jump around, but as you streamline that, you will improve the momentum of the piece. Your ending is also a bit strange. I think I would conclude it when Buck wakes up. Also, a few notes:

He notices a flicker of light yet is surprised to smell wood burning? The assumption is that the light is from a fire, but you may want to include that sense of smell closer to the flicker to tie it together. Perhaps, as he notices it, and the smell of damp burning wood carried to him on the breeze, or something along those lines, merged in here.

The man merely shook his head Shaking his head = no, but the rider took this as a yes? That would be “nodded his head”

over the man's shoulder It is rare that a girl is tall enough to peer over a full-grown man’s shoulder.

he was greeted with the cry of a newborn baby Wow, it would be nice if a baby could be all the way delivered without pushing in two minutes, but this isn’t really realisitc, especially if she was standing up and peering at Buck just five minutes earlier. She may have been having contractions all day, but it’s going to take more than two minutes of full-time pushing to deliver the baby.

Your list of Christmas presents was interesting, but I thought would turn out more relevant. I wouldn’t bother to list them all, but perhaps mention the pertinant ones as you go.

*Bullet*Character definition. – This is fanfiction, so I assume you are working with “established” characters, but they still remain fairly flat within this piece. I don’t see anything that defines Buck as someone other than your traditional “cowboy” dude. Show what makes him unique through his characters and actions. I also think you have him overanalyzing what happened; it’s one thing to wonder and another to ponder If so, what was its message?

*Bullet*Language. –Your language is mostly dry and telling, rather than descriptive and showing. It makes it hard to picture the scene. Also, your use of adjectives/adverbs is a bit ifffy; for instance:

You have a character caught out in a snowstorm, desperately hoping to get home by Christmas morning, yet you use descriptions such as gently and slowly. This contradicts the urgency you are trying to build and makes the piece more lethargic and slower-moving.

He took out the remaining gifts. He opened them and took out the things they could use. It would be interesting to know what was used

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was an interesting piece, but I’d like to see you focus a bit more on descriptions, both of what is happening and of the characters. You also need to develop your characters a bit more, especially Buck, so that he is more realistic, even if you keep him stereotyped. Humanize him.

Flow – 3.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Most of your sentences flow smoothly, but you have a couple of awkward ones that break the rhythm of the piece.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are stilted and, as I said, tend to jump around. Tighten them around what is happening.

*Bullet*Progression. – Your movement from paragraph to paragraph is also disjointed. You seem to skip suddenly from one topic to the next, which makes it difficult to stay on track. Prepare the reader for what is coming next with transitions – see my notes on your first paragraph for examples, but each paragraphs should naturally lead to the next.

Overall: This was certainly an interesting re-take of the Christmas story.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Break up your paragraphs. Don’t just use large chunks of dialogue; feed it to us with a little action, as well.

Suggestion #2 – Humanize Buck

Suggestion #1 – Elaborate more; give us more detail on what is going on


Star Total: 17.0/25
Averaged: 3.4
Rounded: 3.5

Write on!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is certainly an interesting poem. I like the way you handle the free-verse - it's been awhile since I have seen it in quite that style (maybe college?). The format itself is certainly interesting.

Starting with the technical viewpoint: You have this listed as a draft (so I suppose you are still working on it), but I hope as you finish polishing it (and it seems pretty polished) you move it to 'poetry'. Your genres seem appropriate, but I would definately change one out for "political". Your title is interesting, and your brief description arouses curiousity. I found only a few spelling and punctuation errors.

white wash this should be whitewash

The representatives stand for me too comma after 'me'

This is freeverse, so no rhyme or meter.

In terms of content, this is one of the few poems I've read lately that made me actually think and that was aggressive (and more subtle) in its use of symbolism. I like how you lead from the graffiti to the "silenced" voices, the unheard minority. I would like to see you tie it back in to the graffiti towards the end, but that could be because I'm a neat-freak in disguise; I also like your current conclusion. Just offering suggestions *Bigsmile*

There were a couple of awkward spots that I thought you might like to take a look at:

Shouting loudly You repeat this phrase within the third stanza

It's been simmering, a brew quite a while This is a bit awkward; I think you need a comma after 'brew' to seperate it out, which would imply the 'something wrong' has been simmering for sometime.

I initially had trouble with your first stanza being unclear because, as I said, it's been awhile since I've seen true and subtle symbolism on the site, but as I read further (and deeper), it clarified. Just be aware that the initial link between graffiti and world trouble, though later developed, comes across awkwardly on initial read.

Your format - the way you spaced it - is interesting. It gives the impression of opposition, though everything said is on the same side. It helps divide the piece up.

This was enjoyable and thought-provoking. Thanks for the great work with symbolism! Next time, warn me! *Bigsmile*

Write on!
SG

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209
209
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is certainly an interesting poem about what happens to Cap'n Hook after he is eaten. A few technical notes:

sail, for the no comma needed

A pirates life, for them no comma; pirates'
Also, it is awkward to follow who 'them' is; the Lost Boys? Your only other reference is to 'he', so the boys are the only available assumption

Your first stanza implies that the captain sailed away, not the lost boys

The crock croc, as in crocodile

Enjoying their triumph, over Hook's evil glare. Hook is no longer glaring at them; the way this is structured implies he is. Remove the comma and they will "triumph over" Hook

So the crock went insane, now Hook has the power semicolon instead of comma

a meal, for the crock no comma

While brushing the sand off his clothes he did shake He is brushing and shaking the sand? This is awkwardly phrased

with, the alarm No comma

"Aye, said the captain, my life I did gain, quotes after 'aye' and before 'my'

This was an interesting story/poem. I would revise your introduction, however; your first two stanzas imply the poem is about the Lost Boys, not Hook.

Good luck in the contest!
SG

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210
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have an interesting poem. I enjoyed watching the four in their quest.

I found no spelling, punctuation, or spacing errors in this piece. You use a formal rhyme and meter scheme, and you are consistant in implementing it. You do have a couple of awkward points - read through the poem out loud to see what trips you up.

A couple of notes on content: a boat is usually considered different from a ship. When you say 'boat', I think 'rowboat', so be sure this is the image you want to convey. Also, you tend to be sketchy on the details - you tell us that they fought the "Dark Star" for the map, but didn't tell us how the other ship knew of it; you tell us The map was saved by Redd’s undying greed but not how, and so forth. I would like to see you elaborate a bit on this poem and give us some more details so we can better follow it; it runs like a story and so requires many of the same considerations.

Also, you have a couple spots where I don't know what is going on. And with grapples in hand, they soon took flight. Who took flight? With Harry’s knowledge Why is that important? Sammy found that liked the pirate life Why the abrupt change (and I think you forgot 'he')?

All in all, this is an interesting piece, but it needs some more details to make it truly spectacular.

Good luck in the contest!
Keep writing!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have to confess, the image you have at the beginning touches my heart before I even read the poem.

On a technical note, I found no punctuation or spacing errors, and only one spelling error:
Christmas time should be Christmastime

You have this listed as 'other'; I would list it as 'poetry'. You have 'adult' listed as genre - that usually connotates a more explicit genre (look at the page if you want to get an idea of what I mean; just click on the 'adult' in your header of this piece). I think there is a 'war' or 'military' or some sort of similar genre that will be more appropriate. These two changes should help you get a few more hits (and thus R&Rs).

You have a formal rhyme and meter. You are consistant with the rhyme but you occasionally deviate from the meter. Read it aloud and listen to the stressed and unstressed syllables to get an idea for what I mean. Some spots I noticed were:

I'm a husband, a father, a son. This line doesn't quite fit with the rhythm you have established. Consider tossing the last two 'a's.

That aren't going home this year. A little heavy on the meter; perhaps instead of 'aren't going', 'won't be'?

That may not make sense, it seems. This one is also a little awkward on the meter.

From the content/emotional point of view, I enjoyed this poem; it certainly touched my heart. I like your imagery and the way you express things here.

Write on!
SG
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Review of Why I Write  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting insight into your mind and your reasons for writing. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as an article; your genres seem appropriate. One note on your rating, however. could have sent me into depression The things you detail after this require a 13+ rating; see "Content Rating System (CRS)"  [13+]

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is appropriate, and I got a kick out of your brief description.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs for easier onscreen reading

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

all of my friends and family and brought comma after ‘family’

and going over, what I thought was a rather model relationship, in my mind. No commas needed

American Soldier I think you need quotes for a song title, but I’m not sure; some form of punctuation is needed

For nine years I had been comma after ‘years’

just “because I want to”, rather, it is semicolon instead of comma

*Bullet*Spelling. –

In High School I joined lowercase ‘high school’

in 3 days three – spell out words under ten and preferably under twenty

just under 3 months. same

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several awkward sentences. I think the thing you do the most is cram too much information into one sentence, which confuses the reader and makes the sentence difficult to follow.

I joined the journalism club, the yearbook staff, the newspaper staff as an advertisement designer, the speech club and through it all I never stopped dreaming of being a writer. This sentence is a little awkward because of the great influx of information. I would first remove the as an advertisement designer, and second, end the sentence after ‘speech club’ and start a new one with ‘through it all’

making a complete fool of myself on the one and only speech competition Awkward; try ‘in’ instead of ‘on’

Nearly twenty years to be exact. Fragment

That morning my wife and I What morning? Consider rephrasing to the effect of One morning, or refer to it as The morning that moved me to action…

I loaded everything of mine that was left and would fit Awkward; you say here you loaded what would fit; you later call that ‘everything’ (and here, too). I would consider nixing the ‘and would fit’, especially since it doesn’t sound like you come back for anything later.

Hearing Toby Keith sing American Soldier reminded me that there are those with more difficult situations then mine and knocked me clean off of my pity pot. Awkward; too much information

I secured a job, paying much less than I was accustomed to, helping out elderly people with Alzheimer’s and Dementia; a job which provided intense personal satisfaction, even though it was very demanding. Too much information awkwardly put together; consider reworking it. Also, your insert of paying much less than I was accustomed to is a digression that throws us off. Consider merging the first two, something like I secured a demanding job helping out elderly people…;it payed less than I was accustomed to but provided intense…. You have the same amount of info but in a less wordy manner. (this is a rough example but you get the idea)

I still have a lot of caressing and finessing to do before it will be publishable, but with the confidence I gained from taking a tragedy and turning it into success, I know that I will finish it and see it published, fulfilling my dream of being a writer Too much information

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Most of your paragraphs are well composed, but you do have a couple that need to be merged or tweaked. Watch out for those one-line paragraphs; they don’t work so well.

By the time I graduated, the only creative accomplishments I could claim were making a complete fool of myself on the one and only speech competition I entered and a few half-hearted short stories I managed to throw together for my twelfth grade creative writing course. This also has too much information packed tightly together. Split this up and develop it further as a paragraph. I would probably do three sentences – one to the affect of the scarcity of your creative accomplishments, one about your half-hearted short stories (with those two possibly merged), and then one telling about how you made a fool of yourself (The only other thing I could claim was making a fool of myself…) I would also consider moving the next sentence/pargraph up to this one.

The catalyst that finally got my butt in gear This is a great sentence but not such a good paragraph. Merge it with the next one

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – You move fairly logically through the piece. I like your transitions between paragraphs. There were a few things that were a little questionable and needed some clairification, but overall, you do a great job.

After sitting down for my half-hour of enlightenment, I realized I needed to get to work. This is an awkward transition. You go from the failure of your marriage (a self-proclaimed model relationship, so it doesn’t sound like you were miserable) to work, all within 30 mts? From here, you go on to pack up your stuff, so it doesn’t sound like you were rushing to work, anyway

My second failed marriage It is unclear at this point whether you are referencing the same marriage or a different one; I would consider, when you talk about your wife, label her (just once) as “my first wife” or “my second wife”

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – This was an interesting slice for anyone who wanted to learn a little more about you and your motivation for writing. You step us through your impetus well, and keep us curious to find out what happened next (hey, we’re nosy) and how it affects your writing.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is clear and easy to follow.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I enjoyed reading this piece and “getting to know you”. I think as you clear up the awkward spots, this will be an even more enjoyable piece to read.

Flow – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have several awkward sentences that disrupt the flow of this piece.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are well composed. Your sentences move in a linear fashion, each one logically following the one before. You have a couple of awkward spots, but tend to do a good job within the majority of your pagaraphs.

*Bullet*Progression. – The progression through this piece is smooth and easy to follow. You have two brief stops where the reader is confused, which breaks the flow, but in general you do a great job of transitioning between paragraphs and moving through the story.

Overall: This was a nice slice of life. I’m glad you managed to overcome such obstacles and move towards your dream. Congrats on finishing your novel!

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Keep an eye out for comma errors

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for sentence fragments

Suggestion #1 – You frequently try to include too much information within your sentences; break them up and give them one bit at a time.


Star Total: 20/25
Averaged: 4.0
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review of Morning Glory  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fantastic poem! I really enjoyed reading it, Lexi!

A couple notes: to get some more exposure, I would consider adding another genre (perhaps 'religious'?) and also revising your brief description, though that may still work. I would also advise using plain black type, which is easier on the eyes; the green might also be dissuading readers.

You have some fantastic imagery. I like the play on words with the Son that shines, and I love the phrase Secret deserts in my being. You have several other great ones, but I just wanted to mention a few - I'd hate to spoil the poem since it's on the public review page.

Again, great work!
Write on!
SG

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Review of The Animals' Gift  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a great poem for preschoolers! I like the different gifts from the animals.

A few notes:

You don't need the title to be at the top of the piece. However, because there is more than one animal, your title should be animals'. You have this correctly listed as a poem, and your genres are appropriate, but I would consider adding a third - either 'children' or 'holiday' - to get more exposure.

I found no spelling or spacing errors. You do have a couple of lines that are a little rough in terms of meter; they don't quite fit in

He carried her on his back. Consider fixing this up so you take out 'her' and merge this with the next line

It was a lowly beginning, Consider removing 'it was' and including an adjective A *** lowly beginning (though lowly runs a bit rough, too)

Only one punctuation error: let’s pray, I wouldn't put a comma here, because the line break forces a pause, and you don't really want to stop it here.

Overall, this was a very well done (and cute) piece. I like the inclusion of the animals in with Christmas.

Write on!
SG

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215
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love the sentiments behind this poem. However, the reading is a little bit rough and could use some smoothing out.

You have this listed as an article; it needs to be listed as a poem. I would also suggest including genres, such as "religious, holiday, spiritual", to name a few. These two will get the piece more attention and hits, and thus most likely more reviews. Your title is appropriate, as is your brief description, but I would remove the comma and make When lowercase. If the reader sees these errors in the brief description, they might decide to avoid the piece, which would be a shame. I would also consider keeping the type in plain black, as italics AND red are difficult on the eyes. This will probably increase your number of R&Rs, as well.

I found no spelling errors, but there are two points where I think the punctuation needs to be adjusted:

This is Christ's birthday should / He not receive His? You need a semicolon after 'birthday'

Give this present from your heart / this is all He asks. Use some form of punctuation - I think a semicolon would work best but a period would work in a pinch - to break up this line

You have a set rhyme and meter scheme, so it is awkward when you deviate in the conclusion. Though you make a good point, it is easy to lose it because the reader is startled out of the flow you have created.

You also have a couple of awkward lines:

The birthday of Jesus Christ who / should receive any presents This is a little awkward; it implies that the birthday should recieve the presents

Give this present from your heart At this point, you have not told us what 'this' present is, making this phrase awkward

I would like to see you elaborate somewhat on the gift we need to give Christ. Because you reference only in the close of the poem, it comes across as unimportant, when in fact it is the entire meaning of the poem. You do a good job of building up to it - develop it with at least one if not two stanzas.

Write on!
SG

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216
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your query letter, but it needs a bit more polish. Remember that the query letter is the very first sample of your writing the editor sees and so should be as polished as humanly possible. (posting it on-line is a good way to get that polish, incidentally; thanks for another great idea!)See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as a letter. I would include genres, including (but not limited to) “Writing, Hobby, and Writing.com”, which will get you more exposure

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and brief description are both appropriate to the piece

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

The Highland Hills Underline or put in quotes

immersed, from page to page. no comma

countryside of France Germany and England commas after ‘France’ and ‘Germany’

*Bullet*Spelling. –

take her serious seriously

book as accurate as possible accurately

Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several awkward spots that I would clean up.

Celtic gods, time travel, foreign locations and timeless love and adventure. This is a sentence fragment; probably not the best way to introduce yourself and your writing skills. Perhaps consider asking it in question form, as in What do…all have in common?

The best part, they all tie in together in this new and exciting romantic and historically intriguing book Awkward. First, I would take out The best part. Second, you are using too many adjectives – just like you don’t want to drown the reader with them in fiction, you don’t want to do so in real life. Your editor may conclude that you would do so in the story and thus not even read it. Finally, you have too many ‘and’s linking the sentence, making it awkward and difficult to follow

The best part is, she’ll put on one heck of a show getting Padruig to fully take her serious. Awkward; take out The best part is. This is still a little awkward; from what I’ve read of query letters, you might want to elaborate slightly. Or consider something like She’ll do anything – even defend Padruig by sword and shield – to make him take her seriously (or whatever she does).

Of course there has to be strife and adventure along the way The Of course is awkward; I would throw it out. I would again elaborate somewhat on what type of strife and adventure they encounter

I enjoy pouring through Medieval and some Ancient history books Remove the ‘some’

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – You occasionally skip around or digress within your paragraphs

The Highland Hills is a complete novel at 87,000 words. This sentence does not fit in at this point. You were – and continue to – describe the novel and what makes it stand apart, and this is more of a technical note.

Yet Elise is not a weak heroine. She is very much a modern woman with modern attitudes. There is nothing that would cause the reader to assume that Elsie is weak, so your ‘yet’ is out of place. I would consider merging these two together, though they will need to be smoothed into the paragraph

Those are some of the greatest elements of life. They lead to a more fruitful love and mutual respect Digression; the editor already knows this. I would toss these, or show how they relate to the story (tossing being my first choice)

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – You only have three paragraphs, but the transition between the first and the second is a little awkward.

I have a B.A. in Communications from SUNY Oswego. This is something of a wrenching jump. One thing I would consider is moving the degree you are pursuing to the forefront, because it relates to what has been covered (and to what you are writing). Then this B.A. can be mentioned as a side note. I have accomplished a great deal of research on ancient Ireland in pursuit of a M.A. in History, focusing on Medieval. This will supplement my B.A. in Communications…. In this manner, you have a) linked us to the former paragraph, arranging a smoother transition overall and b) made sure to bring to the forefront your expertise within the area of your novel.

Content – 8 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – Most of this is based on my thoughts on query letters. Please keep in mind that I have never actually submitted one for a novel (thus giving you far more in the courage and stamina departments than I have), but I have done a great deal of research on them. My understanding is that you want to give your editor a few more hints than you have done. Your editor will want to know this isn’t a Xena spinoff placed in Ireland, but something that is unique and interesting. Thus the reason to give them a few details – not an entire book’s worth (ie don’t list everything that happens), but a few key and unqiue elements.

I think it is also a good idea to include the first chapter (or a middle chapter) so they can get a good take on your writing skills, etc., but I would contact the publisher first to find out about their guidelines on that account (or check out the Writer’s Handbook). If you do so, you need to be sure you reference them.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is very formal and appropriate to this piece

*Bullet*Reaction. – I enjoyed reading this but saw a few spots that could use some more cleaning.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have a few awkward sentences and punctuation errors that mar this piece and disrupt the flow

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – You occasionally digress within your paragraph, making the thoughts a little hard to follow. You do do a good job of keeping each paragraph in a separate form.

*Bullet*Progression. – Try not to jump completely from one paragraph to another, although I know each one is based around a separate theme.

Overall: This was a fairly clear and well-written letter, but you want to be sure to polish it as smooth as possible, as it will determine whether or not they decide to request more of your writing.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Smooth out the transition between the first and second paragraph

Suggestion #2 – Avoid overusing adjectives; they weaken your writing

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for inner-paragraph digression


Star Total: 19.5/25
Averaged: 3.9
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review of VIRTUES AND FLAWS  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (2.0)
You have an intriguing premise but you need to further develop this piece. I found your item on the public review page. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 2 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – You have this listed as a sample. I think it would fit better under “essay”. Your genres are well chosen and appropriate.

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is interesting, although I wouldn’t use all caps for it. Your brief description helps draw people in, but you need to remove the semicolon and the “and/or-“

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespace between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading

*Bullet*Punctuation. – You overruse punctuation. See this article for some help "Invalid Item" 

If we exaggerate our own virtues, to raise our pedestal Comma splice; no comma needed

we may be inverting ourselves, to compensate same

Those who boastfully maximize themselves (excessively), tend to minimize/diminish same

their perspective-point, is located same

into a superiority complex... we may be No … needed

*Bullet*Spelling. –

blind-spot blind spot, no hyphen

perspective-point Awkward; either say perspective or vantagepoint

Intermediate Structure – 2 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – All of your sentences are packed full of information, and are long and hard to follow. You need to break them up and elaborate on your points.

boastfully maximize themselves (excessively) I am unclear of the difference in boastfully maximizing oneself excessively and just boastfully maximizing oneself? I think the ‘(excessively)’ is unnecessary

we may be inverting ourselves Your use of ‘invert’ here is awkward. I don’t see it fitting in with any meaning. According to dictionary.com, invert means 1. To turn inside out or upside down: invert an hourglass. 2. To reverse the position, order, or condition of: invert the subject and predicate of a sentence. 3. To subject to inversion. I don’t see any of these definitions fitting your sentence. This makes it difficult to understand what you mean.

their pedestal is too high I would like to see you define what you mean by “pedestal”. It seems to me that their high pedestal is their perspective point, which is what is far above the horizon. I would revise this sentence.

And/or could it (also) be First, don’t split and/or. In fact, I would just pull that part out of the piece. Second, also does not need to be in parenthesis; I would also consider removing this. Third, no colon is needed; this is an unnecessary break. Finally, you state that you could be trying to minimize the minimizers, so that my pedestal is raised. However, your premise is that, in maximizing ourselves, we raise our pedestals and thus minimize others; now you have come in a full circle. This is contradictory and weakens your point, although it is a great statement. Further elaboration will help this merge into the piece.

What's your perception; and where is your perspective-point located? Awkward. If you want a break, the semicolon is not appropriate – break this into two questions.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – All of your paragraphs are only a single, long, windy sentence. Break up that sentence and elaborate on the various points to further clarify what is intended. I’ve put most of the problems in the sentence section, but you need further clarification to better make your point.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Your introduction is rough, and your conclusion does not wrap up the piece. Both are hard to follow, making your theme unclear. Your paragraphs,only single sentences, do not transit well from one to the next.

Content – 4.25 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – You have an interesting theme. However, it is hard to pull out from your format. You need to develop it. First, you need an introduction at the very least, and preferably a conclusion. Your first sentence is well on its way, but I would try to tighten up that “pargraph” somewhat. Decide what your points are and develop them.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is unclear. It is difficult to follow the sentences within the piece. For instance, your use of invert is inappropriate, as is perspective-point. If you are going to keep your piece so short, be certain you tighten it to the point that each sentence says exactly what you mean – no more, no less.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This piece left me rubbing my head. You have some good points but you need to bring them out a bit more.

Flow – 2 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences are long and hard to follow.There is too much information, and they often have to be read four or more times to get an idea of their meaning.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are single sentences; you need to not only elaborate but be sure your information flows well together.

*Bullet*Progression. – You jump from point to point, which is hard to follow. This throws the reader off even more.

Overall: I think you have some great points in here. I would love to see you clarify and elaborate so your readers could take more from this piece.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Don’t overuse punctuation. Not only does this make it hard to read, it also dissuades your readers from trying.

Suggestion #2 – Watch out not to pack too much into each sentence; this makes them hard to follow

Suggestion #1 – Develop your points. Break your sentences into paragraphs and elaborate.


Star Total: 10.25/25
Averaged: 2.05
Rounded: 2.0

Keep writing!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Well, I will say your ending was definitely a surprise. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly listed as a short story, and your genres seem appropriate. Your reference to dead bodys make this need a rating of at least ASR, although I think that it could be violence and is possibly 13+. See "Content Rating System (CRS)"  [13+]

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is appropriate, although it and your brief description promise hope.

*Bullet*Spacing. – Doublespaced between paragraphs for easier onscreen reading

*Bullet*Dialogue. – No dialogue tags, but you keep the little bit of “thought” dialogue clear

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

comforting.He space before ‘He’

the father mole, as he sat no comma

*Bullet*Spelling. –

thought father mole capitalize ‘Father Mole’ as his title/name; you do this frequently. Your other option is to refer to him as the father mole

Mother mole same

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. –

I lost some of my near and dear ones too. I would have her think “friends” rather than “ones”; even if you don’t change this sentence, the last one refers to her fellow beings which I would clarify if you keep this one as is.

The clouds thundered Clouds don’t thunder; thunder comes from clouds

if she exerted too much exerted too much what?

their two babies, cowering behind them, jumped with fright. You have the baby moles doing two things at the same time – cowering and jumping

The baby moles cowered and snuggled closer to their mother, who had a tough time climbing up to the next step. They are snuggling with her as she climbs the steps? This is hard to comprehend, especially as you have the father moving them on in the next paragraph

and looked into his eyes and comforted him Your repetition of ‘and’ makes this sentence awkward, but one wonders how one mole comforts another?

it would have kicked it immediately. Awkward; you have two different ‘it’s being referred to and it is hard to follow what is meant

Within a short time, one after another, five baby moles tumbled out from her womb and taking a deep breath, they opened their tiny eyes and began looking around. There is too much information in this sentence to easily follow it; break it up

They all snuggled under their mother as she turned round and round to count and see all her babies. Is she stepping on them, then?

. Soon, the mother mole began to lick the dirt off the babies's new, almost hairless skin. How do they have dirt if they were just born? Perhaps blood and/or mucus?

All nine of them Fragment

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. –

a twig that he could use to put across the gap. Even if I place the twig, will it stay? He lifted a twig in his mouth Repetition

dragged it over to the gap. He laid it gingerly across the gap Repetition

its foundations once again. The clanging sound began again. Repetition

They had eaten almost half a day back. This paragraph is awkward because it is out of order. I would address their feelings of hunger first, then note that they had eaten some time ago. Your sentence At one point, he had to actually help the babies to clamber up by pushing them up with his back. does not fit in this paragraph

from the world around them. A huge section of the structure around and behind them Repetition

A strange smell wafted up to his sensitive nose. This paragraph is awkward, as well. It needs to be broken up. Do one paragraph for them getting the food, and start a new one when the mother lets out a cry of alarm (though I’m not sure why she does this randomly?).

They went up some books, then tables and a cupboard as well. Up to here you have given a mole’s-eye perspective – they don’t know it’s a church, don’t know they are passing pews, etc. So their knowledge of books, tables, and cupboards is disconcerting and doesn’t fit

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – You move well from paragraph to paragraph, although you do have a few awkward transitions. For one thing, in the second paragraph, you switch to the mother mole’s POV, but never take it up again; the remainder of the story (with the exception of the conclusion) is told from the father’s POV. I would pick one or the other.

Content – 7.5 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – Your plot is interesting and driving, but the ending is a little off. If you are going to leave it that way, you need to drop some hints throughout the story to allude to it; otherwise, it comes from nowhere and is inappropriate. I don’t mind surprise endings, but you still have to prepare for them (ie, view the world darkly, even the church)

*Bullet*Character definition. – The father mole is somewhat rounded, but overall the characters are flat. I think this is mostly because they aren’t personified – you don’t really give them any emotions. This makes it harder to be drawn in and to relate, but it does keep them as “dumb animals”, despite your thoughts. However, if they are going to have thoughts, they need to have emotions as well. Otherwise, try to convey their thoughts with actions alone.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is fairly clear, but you do a lot of telling, rather than showing. For example: It was raining torrentially. Rather than saying this, why not show it? Tell us how the rain is falling from the sky, how they were soaked in seconds, brand new rivers of water cut the ground, etc.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I felt like your ending was too abrupt, not only in the action but in the way you stated it. Smooth out the ending paragraph and drop a few more hints (the corpses was a good one).

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have several awkwardly phrased or contradictory sentences that break up the flow of the piece.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Some of your paragraphs are ill-fitted. It makes the story hard to follow and disrupts the flow.

*Bullet*Progression. – The majority of your story progresses logically and smoothly, but you do have a few rough spots that keep the story from moving smoothly.

Overall: This was an interesting story. Your portrayal of the moles as animals, rather than humanizing them, is somewhat unique.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Avoid repetition and fragments

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for paragraphs that don’t fit together or don’t work around a similar theme/action

Suggestion #1 – Drop more clues that allude to the ending


Star Total: 18.75/25
Averaged: 3.75
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review of Adding Accents  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great piece! This will be a tremendous help; I am bookmarking it for future reference. How did you go through and find all of these - are they just standard to all computers and programs?

I found no spelling, grammatical, punctuational, or spacing errors. Your title is appropriate, as is your brief description. However, I would consider jazzing up the description to the effect of Ever want to put a tilda in your work? Here's how! If you could put a tilda (or an accent, or a copyright sign, etc) in the description, that would be even cooler.

You have this listed under "other"; I would list it is an appendix. I would also consider adding genres to get maximum exposure - "writing" and "how to" spring to mind immediately.

Otherwise, great work! Thanks for the terrific reference!

Write on!

SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting piece. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure - 4 of 5 stars – This is correctly labled as an ‘essay’. Your genres seem well-chosen, although I’m not sure about the choice of ‘teen’. Your title is interesting, but your brief description pretty much repeats it; consider more along the lines of Every short story needs four essential things… to draw the reader in. You double-space between paragraphs, but the color usage makes this harder to read. I think colors are more appropriate to forums and the like, or to illustrate examples, rather than for static items; I would consider putting this essay in black ink with the possible exception of the headers or “example”. There were a few punctuation and spelling errors.

First you need comma after ‘first’

In other words he comma after ‘words’

frost coated branches frost-coated

In a short story there is a main activity comma after ‘story’

counsellor counselor

highschool two words

Intermediate Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars – Most of your sentences are well composed; I only found one fragment (listed at the end of this section). Your paragraphs work well together, and you move easily from paragraph to paragarph.

Or even barriers that have to be overcome in order to obtain some goal. Fragment

Content - 8 of 10 stars – This was an interesting essay. I have to confess, I have two things I disagree with. The first is the need for characters, plural – some stories function well with only one character (think, self-discovery pieces). The second is the term “activity” – I’m not sure it is appropriate to the piece. Again, some great pieces are ones in which the character sits and thinks their way through a conflict – not many, but some. I would like to see you elaborate a bit on “activity.” Overall, however, you do a good job of supporting this piece and elaborating. One other note:

(people or other creatures) I would have to slightly disagree with this definition of characters because it neglects personified inanimate objects. For instance, I recently R&Red a great piece where the main character was a Christmas tree.

Also, one thing to consider is that you say stories have… and that’s not true. There are some really foul things mascarading as stories that lack one or more of these elements. Consider phrasing the piece to read stories should have or successful stories have

Flow - 4 of 5 stars – You have a couple of awkward spots in your sentences, due to either formation or spelling or grammar errors, which disrupt the flow of the piece. Your paragraphs work well together and you move easily from section to section.

Overall: This was an interesting piece to read, and I enjoyed your examples.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Avoid spelling and punctuation errors

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for fragments

Suggestion #1 – Develop the section on “activities” a little more


Star Total: 20.5/25
Averaged: 4.1
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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221
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This was an interesting snapthsot of a moment in time. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – You have this listed as “other”; I would list it at least as “fiction”. Your genres seem appropriate, though I would consider adding “artistic”. Also, due to the graphic nature of this piece, I think it should be at least 13+ (see Storymistress’ "Content Rating System (CRS)"  [13+])

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is a bit awkward, and I would work on your brief description.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You indent to differentiate between paragraphs, which is good, but I would recommend doublespacing as well.

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

my body; twisting comma instead of semicolon

Not gentle tears, that come no comma

soon; I knew comma, not semicolon

next; it same

*Bullet*Spelling. – hatrid hatred

Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have a couple of fragments and awkward phrases.

A single leader wolf, directly in front of my face. Sentence fragment. Also, if there is only one wolf, then how can it be the “leader”

every crevice, pouring out of every pore of my body Repetition

My eyes widened to the extent of an owl's This is awkward

I lost myself into the fierce yellow of his eyes, piercing into my very being. The ‘piercing’ appears to apply to ‘myself’

Resounding hatrid into every hidden place of my soul Fragment. I am also unclear as to why you would “hate” the wolf?

but I one glance Awkward; remove “I”

The wind caressing his fur as the light illuminated his every movement Fragment; use “caressed”

And that was when I knew that my life was over. Awkward; don’t start with ‘and’

And the wolf same

the result being more gore, more of my gore, than I could ever believe possible. Awkward, and doesn’t merge in with the previous sentence

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are well constructed and the sentences support one another.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Your paragraphs flow well together; good transitions

Content – 7.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – I know this is a descriptive piece, so I’m not really giving a lot of weight to “plot” here. The action in this piece is interesting and moves at a fast pace. I think that, for a descriptive piece, you need to add some more description to the piece. For a strictly descriptive piece, I think (and I don’t say this often) that you might be going too heavy on the emotions. I would consider describing this in a more detached method from the third person point of view. However, if you are going to keep the emotions, I would elaborate on them further. Rather than just saying to such abject feelings I would talk about what those feelings were.

*Bullet*Language. – You need to add some more description to this piece.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was an interesting story, but it needs a little more description to fit the subject.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences are awkward and hard to follow.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are smooth and easy to follow

*Bullet*Progression. – Your transitions are smooth and clear.

Overall: This was an interesting piece to read.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for awkward sentences that break up the flow

Suggestion #2 – I would either add more emotion or take it out and describe it in a more distant fashion

Suggestion #1 – Add some more description to better bring this to life


Star Total: 19.5/25
Averaged: 3.9
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was very well written and quite profound. Had I not read your bio, there is no way I would have even guessed you were twelve – you write very maturely. I only hope you aren’t fully disillusioned so young! *Bigsmile* See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – You have this labeled as ‘other’, but I would relable it as an “essay”. Your genres are wlel chosen and appropriate

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title is interesting and intriguing. I would, however, revise your brief description to better describe your piece.

*Bullet*Spacing. – Double-spaced between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

and in existence; I was comma instead of semicolon

in writing this; for I know comma instead of semicolon

discard it; for you same

not, individually no comma needed

you; raw, naked fear Instead of a semicolon, use a hyphen

My advice; use it Use either a colon or a hyphen instead of a semicolon

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors that I saw

Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several awkwardly composed sentences, mostly fragments and runons. Overall, however, your sentences are smoothly put together and far superior to the writing of most young people (and a decent number of adults, as well).

I was was certain extra ‘was’

The idea was not slowly brought into focus; no. Awkward; I would take out the ‘no’ at the end and try to merge it with the next sentence, although I don’t think it’s necessary

I have your answer, good friend. This is a little awkward because you are addressing the reader. Also, it is not the reader’s answer, as the reader was (probably) not looking; it is your answer

People are stupid, they believe anything they want to be true or fear to be true This is a runon sentence. I would check your source (which I would credit) and make sure it’s not punctuated differently

Though I'm sure you would be right in that sense, that's all life is, really, lies and deceit. Runon sentence

A colossal phantasmagorical twisting of the truth. A giant pool of selfishness and greed.
Fragment

And so I write this now, with hopes that some may see the light; hopes that some will see that all may be well. Runon sentence; also you need a comma rather than a semicolon

All being performed as though it was as natural as brushing one's teeth Fragment

Everyone hid from everyone else, no one was free. Runon sentence

Think about these things, not, individually. I’m unclear on what you mean by “not individually”

then I envy I would add ‘you’ to the end of this statement

Let all see you as you truly exist, let no one hear a lie pass your lips. Runon sentence

For that is true beauty. Fragment. This is a good point, but I would like to see you elaborate – such as Honesty is true beauty, or perhaps merge it in with the previous sentence

Fear is a tool, use it to help you, twist its purpose towards your own. Runon sentence

Use the fear to give you a reason; "I will tell the truth to defy my fear Split this into two sentences; use a period instead of a semicolon

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are well composed. You do a good job of fitting them around your point. Just a few notes.

Your introductory sentence is awkward and doesn’t fit in with the paragraph. I think the piece would be greatly improved by removing it.

You start your two things with One and the second states Secondly. Be consistant; I would start the first sentence with First I would also consider elaborating a bit on the ‘first’ statement and starting a new paragraph with the ‘second’

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – You move easily from one paragraph to the next. Your transitions are smooth and easy to follow.

Content – 8 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – You do a good job of developing your theme and supporting it. You do leave me a little curious about your initial statement, however; you say that you have searched for a common theme or hidden meaning present in life, and in existence. I’m not completely certain how lies are that “hidden meaning”. I’d like to see you elaborate on that a little, though you make a great point for their prevelance. However, overall, you do a good job of supporting your statements

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is clear and concise. You do a good job, as I said, of supporting your piece, and your language is definitely not that of a normal twelve year old.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I enjoyed reading this piece, although I don’t completely agree with your point. It was well supported and clear to read.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have a couple of awkward sentences that are hard to follow; these break the flow of your piece.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs flow smoothly. The sentences support one another.

*Bullet*Progression. – Your transitions between paragraphs are well done. You do a great job of moving from one idea to the next.

Overall: This is a great piece. You did a good job of stating your points and I found myself nodding along with you several times.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for punctuation. You tend to overuse semicolons; you might want to check on grammatical useage.

Suggestion #2 – I would do a little more to develop how “lies” are the “hidden meaning” of life.

Suggestion #1 – Watch out for runon sentences and fragments. They make the piece hard to follow


Star Total: 19.5/25
Averaged: 3.9
Rounded: 4.0

Keep writing!
SG

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Review of Revived  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting poem, quite thought-provoking. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure - 4 of 5 stars – Your item is correctly listed as a poem, and the genres are well chosen. I like your title, but I feel like your brief description could use a little more work; it seems only distantly related to the poem. I found no spelling or spacing errors, and only one punctuation error

dwindle, no comma needed

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars – This is freeverse, and you are consistant at avoiding form; it is well done. Your stanzas work well, the lines seem to build off one another. I only found one awkward spot.

It is shallow graves that we place our hopes in This line reads a little rough and is somewhat hard to follow. I would consider moving the ‘in’ to the middle of the sentence

Content - 8 of 10 stars – Your poem is interesting, but I have a hard time following your second stanza. The questions raised don’t seem to be answered, which is fine, but you move on to what seems to be a totally different subject. I don’t see the correlation between fire & faith, and righteousness & ancient love. I love this image they are the newborn sun. but am unclear on this one. a dead eye of the world

Flow – 4.5 of 5 stars Your lines are well composed and easy to follow. Each stanza flows well, although the questions in the second one make it slightly rough. The piece works well as a whole.

Overall: There are some great images – especially the last two – in this poem. They really hit me, and I’d love to see you expand on them.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - I would revise your brief description

Suggestion #2 – Your first line is a little awkward

Suggestion #1 – I am not sure I follow the meaning of your poem – I tried not to rate according to that, but you may want to seek out images that bring that meaning out and make it more clear


Star Total: 20.5/25
Averaged: 4.1
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review of Black Beauty  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great description of a horse but it is a bit rough. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 4.5 of 5 stars – Your item is correctly labeled as a poem and the genres chosen are appropriate. Your title fits the piece, but I would revise the brief description so as to draw the readers in and make them more curious. I found no punctuation or spacing errors, and only one spelling error.
it's shell its

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars – Your lines are well composed. This is freeverse, and you are consistant with it. One thing I would consider is modeling your lines more to capture the spirt of the galloping horse; that is, make them free and more relaxed, less strict with punctuation.

He does seem to look This is awkward and doesn’t fit in with the lines around it; perhaps appear

You also repeat the word mane twice very close to one another, which breaks the flow

Content - 8 of 10 stars – You have some great imagery within your piece. I particularly enjoyed His wild mane / Flirts with the wind. You have a couple of unclear points.

You state that the earth responds to the knocking in the first two lines, but then you do not elaborate on that. It is your introduction, so it sets the pace for the piece; I would either tell us how the earth responds or remove it.

To let his mane / Tap his hindquarters. I am unclear of how this could/would happen, unless you have a horse with extremely long mane; I’ve never seen one that long. Perhaps you mean that his mane is constantly flowing backwards and so refuses to touch his neck?

Flow - 4 of 5 stars – You have a couple of awkward spots and unclear passages that break the flow of the piece. I would also consider smoothing out your punctuation – periods are very final and cause a full stop, whereas commas or no punctuation tend to let the ideas gallop with the horse. Your introduction also does not fit with the piece, making that transition a little rough. Overall, however, your lines merge well one to another.

Overall: You have some great imagery in this poem.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Consider revising the punctuation

Suggestion #2 – Watch out for inconsistancies and inclarities in the piece, which trip up the reader

Suggestion #1 – Your introduction needs to be in some way revised


Star Total: 20.5/25
Averaged: 4.1
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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Review of Saying Goodbye  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure - 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – I don’t recommend listing items as ‘other’; you don’t get very much exposure and the reader is hesitant to open it because they don’t know what to expect. I would probably go with ‘prose’ or ‘nonfiction’. Your genre selections are on target, though I would advise putting in a third; again, this will grant you more exposure. One possible selection would be ‘biographical’.Your title is interesting, and your brief description also arouse interest.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You doublespaced between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading

*Bullet*Punctuation. –

If only, if only, is there a more useless beginning to a sentence? I would hyphenate after the second ‘only’

*Bullet*Spelling. –

8 years old spell out numbers than smaller than ten at least, preferably smaller than twenty

*Bullet*Grammar. – No grammatical errors that I saw

Intermediate Structure – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – Your sentences are well put together. There are no runons or fragments that I saw.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are well composed and stay on-task. Each builds around a common theme. I only found one instance of repetition; otherwise, your sentence build off one another.

I had been waiting for you. I had eagerly anticipated Repetition, awkward

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Your story progresses chronologically, and you manage to transition easily between paragraphs. Your paragraphs support one another and don’t break the pace of the story.

Content - 7 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – Your theme on saying goodbye is interesting but it is a bit difficult to follow. I am unclear about the relationship between you and the person you are speaking to. It would be nice to see you develop a couple of your points, such as the first time I met you even though you had been around my whole life. – this is very confusing. Also, your confusing is weak; it could use a little tightening.

*Bullet*Language. – The language in this piece is conversational and consistant throughout. It is obvious that you are speaking to someone.

*Bullet*Reaction. – While I could somewhat understand the situation you are describing, it is difficult to follow or to empathize. Your piece is specific enough to keep it from being broadly applicable, yet broad enough that I couldn’t completely follow along, which made it a bit confusing.

Flow - 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences, as I said, are clean and clear. They are conversational, and follow the rhythm and flow of speech.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs move fairly smoothly and clear to read.

*Bullet*Progression. – You move towards the conclusive seperation, but your final three sentences are a little superflous and jar the reader.

Overall: This was an interesting piece to read. It certainly raised a lot of questions.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - I would change your genre to read either “prose” or “nonfiction”

Suggestion #2 – Tighten your conclusion

Suggestion #1 – I would consider adding in some more details or else removing enough to make it more general (I think the adding would be best).


Star Total: 19/25
Averaged: 3.85
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG

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