I think you have a decent story here, but your doing a great disservice to it by being sloppy about punctuation and spelling. Punctuation helps pace the story for the reader and is vital and spelling words wrong makes the reader tire quickly from trying to decipher what you mean. Example:
"Dieing" should be "dying"
"Tare" should be "tear"
"Maneur" should be "Manure"
Don't be discouraged, the story is interesting. But try to keep punctuation in mind as well as spelling.
Very nice indeed. I like the descriptions and the pace of the story, it kept me interested in finding out what would happen. I wonder if yourintent was to let the reader fill in the gaps as to whether or not the woman at the end is the woman from the cafe, because i feel that it is hinted at but not truly epxressed, which is effective as well.
We have hit on a similar them...check out my short story "Lancaster Best" and please let me know what you think of it.
I thought this was very good, very good. The descriptions and the view into her mind was very revealing to the reader. My only suggestion, and this is my own creepy preferences, is that you might want to have the man already having been killed while she is waxing thoughtful in the garden. Maybe she goes back into the kitchen or bedroom and sees him already pooling in blood, instead of her killing him in the story, so to speak.
I like the dialogue you offer, it sound realistic and the pace is nice. I would, however, consider using sentences that don't always start with "He" or "She" so much. They are nicely worded and they complement the dialogue well, but maybe break it up a bit and, for example, say something like..
Instead of:
She said nothing, and continued to look at the menu. He stared at her but not the same way as before. He was slumped back in his chair and his eyes seemed to be slightly glazed over.
Maybe:
She said nothing, and continued to look at the menu while he stared at her, although not quite the same way as before. Slumped back in his chair, his eyes seemed to be slightly glazed over.
Very good. I love the dialogue and the smoothness of the narrative, it really flows well. My only critique (and take this very lightly please because i do like it very much) is that once the revelation comes to the reader about the main characters real intentions, it moves a bit fast...not much, but the story seemed to really develop nicely and then, wham, it ends. Maybe that was your intention.
Still, wonderful effort.
Julius
Please check out my Novella, "Palooka" as it develops as well...
Wow, I'm a big fan of horror and I must say you've blown me away...excellent. Frightening imagery and I love the use of all the senses for the reader: smell, sight, taste...keep going...you've definitely got something...
Very disturbing and powerful, great imagery. This is the stuff of nightmares and your use of vivid wording is captivating. Hope this is part of something larger you are working on.
I loved the descriptions, you seem to have a nice grasp on that, no doubt...also think the dialogue is good, but seemed to become a little more stilted as the story picked up. "Stop the car immediately!" kind of stands out as something that sounds almost rehearsed...not what someone would say naturally...maybe just "stop the car"
Also, and this is just my opinion, events came too quickly once the main character was in the car...slow it down a little more...maybe some subtle conversation that eventually leads to the horrific discovery in the back seat. I think that would be a little more frightening.
but, keep it going...it's a nice setting and has great possibilities...
I have a 20 year-old son who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was about 14...It has been a very tough road an, not to get into my own story, he was raised without his mother by me since he was born. I am now married to a wonderful woman who has helped me with him. We also have a new daughter, Francesca, who he dotes on.
Just to let you know: I felt the same way with Chris. I felt like I was chasing a ghost when describing him to people who didn't know why he acted the way he did. He went to public school and i'm sure you can imagine the abuse he put up with there...there were days when I prayed that he would come home alive. He now has a job but don't beat yourself up about the early diagnosis...Chris was diagnosed years ago but still has trouble getting anything started and is easily overwhelmed by things that we would simply plow through...he wants to go to College but is already stumbling through the first application because he doesn't want to write an essay about himself. Frustrating...
Anyway, same thing...reads everything he can, very polite, hates change, early development on certain things...
If you ever need to vent...shoot me an email. i'll forward this home to my wife as well. It's always encouraging to hear from someone who's experiences are similar to yours...
Good luck...also, please check out one of my stories...might put a smile on your face.
Hey, not a bad concept - I like the idea, really. I do think , however, that you should proof your writing before posting...saw quite a few typos that a spellchecker would have easily caught. Disalogue is a bit rusty but definitely can be fixed rather easily so I would suggest saying your dialogue out loud to yourself or hear it in your mind and listen to how it sounds...it should sound clunky if that is how it is written. You also seemed to be in a bit of a hurry with the story so relax and let the story flow and take your time with it.
Like the concept a lot...I think maybe leaning towards the mother having a possible breakdown would be an interesting and possibly more realistic route to go.
Very touching...I have a 20 year-old sin and a 14 month old daughter so I can relate. You seem to capture all the feelings, anxieties and worries of a parent at the very important time of your and her life.
Good luck. I'm sure, as you say, she will come around. Mine will too someday.
I think this is very disturbing, but that being said, i think it also comes across as very true and honest. There is no doubt in my mind that you are embodying the feelings that you are writing about, am I wrong? I prefer to read peotry that inspires a bit more, but I am also quite a nephyte regarding poetry so take my opinion for what it's worth.
Julius
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