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29 Public Reviews Given
124 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Oasis
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


Hi Jaiam,

I had the privilege of reviewing your poem "Peter the Apostle!"  as a guest judge for the "The Lighthouse Poetry Contest" .

*Vignette5* PERSONAL IMPACT *Vignette5*

This poem about the apostle Peter reverberates with the boldness of the man himself. In this scene where Peter speaks with Jesus after the resurrection, you successfully evoked the essence of this apostle Jesus called "The Rock".

*Vignette5* CONTENT *Vignette5*

The poem is a loose depiction of the scene where Jesus recommissions Peter after the resurrection. The content carried a great deal of weight and meaning. The title didn't stand out for me, however, in spite of the exclamation point. I would suggest a title that reflects Peter's character instead.

*Vignette5* FORM & STYLE *Vignette5*

By opening with the words "And Peter said", as well as using King James English, the poem reads much like scripture. This seems intentional, but I would have preferred a more poetic version of this scene.

At first I wasn't sure how I felt about the use of caps and bold font in the poem, but upon further reflection, I think it effectively echoed Peter's personality.

One small syntax error - there should be no comma after LORD in the last stanza.

*Vignette5* EDITORIAL COMMENTS *Vignette5*

I mentioned my suggestions in the above sections.

*Vignette5* LITERARY GEMS *Vignette5*

I really liked your closing stanza. What a great picture of evil being dashed on the rock of Christ's church:

“Peter, go forth then
And be ye not afraid.
For on this Rock
Shall thy LORD,
Break all the evils of this world!"

*Vignette5* PARTING THOUGHTS *Vignette5*

I liked many things about this poem, particularly the way you illustrated Peter - Petros - as the rock. I think there is room for improvement, and I anticipate great things from this poem should you choose to continue shaping it.

Sincerely,
Sarah
2
2
Review of Blind Faith  
Review by Oasis
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hi aralls,

I had the privilege of reviewing your poem "Blind Faith"  as a guest judge for the "The Lighthouse Poetry Contest" .

*Vignette5* PERSONAL IMPACT *Vignette5*

I enjoyed reading this poem about one of less popular apostles. With a brevity of words, you effectively illustrated Philip's struggle with faith.

*Vignette5* CONTENT *Vignette5*

This poem offers a survey of the Biblical accounts related to Philip. However, the content hovered in shallow waters, rather than venturing into greater depths. You touched briefly on the parallels between Philip's struggles and those of future generations; this would have been a great theme to develop into a fuller comparison. You might consider zooming in on a scene such as Jesus feeding the multitude, and show how Philip's doubt compares to our doubt that Jesus is able to provide for us today.

*Vignette5* FORM & STYLE *Vignette5*

Mechanics were clean. Free verse style flowed well and fit the chosen subject. The comma after "Questioning" didn't work for me, though I realize you were being consistent with the other stanzas.

*Vignette5* EDITORIAL COMMENTS *Vignette5*

I mentioned my suggestions in the above sections.

*Vignette5* LITERARY GEMS *Vignette5*

This was a particularly insightful stanza:

Human,
like us,
believing yet seeking
more than we need.

*Vignette5* PARTING THOUGHTS *Vignette5*

I'm so glad you chose to write about one of the lesser known apostles. I think this poem has a great deal of potential and hope you will continue to shape it into something even richer.

Sincerely,
Sarah
3
3
Review of The Presentation  
Review by Oasis
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hi Ken,

This is a review of your story "The Presentation"  in affiliation with the Rising Stars group.

*Vignette5* FIRST IMPRESSION *Vignette5*

The overall impact of your story.

This lighthearted tale was a delight to read. I also love the concept of writing a story based on an image prompt. I'm going to have to try my hand at it sometime! I made some revision suggestions in this review, although I'm guessing that your story has already been submitted for the contest. So I'm probably a little late, but I'll include them since I would still want the input if it were me.

*Vignette5* OPENING AND CLOSING LINES *Vignette5*

How effectively did the opening line grab my attention? How skillfully did the closing line complete the story?

To be honest, I felt the opener was a bit sluggish. Once I got involved in the story I enjoyed following Meredith's antics, but the beginning felt like a heavy liftoff to me. I think it would be cool to drop us directly into her dream in the opening line. Then perhaps a sound from the real world invades the dream. For example maybe the boss stops in the middle of the announcement, turns to her, and launches into a rendition of 'The Way You Look Tonight'. Something outlandish like that. Then you could have her jolt awake to find her radio alarm has been going off for the last hour...which is how we learn it was just a dream. That's just one off-the-cuff idea for drawing the reader into the story more effectively.

As for the closing line, I would favor using the second to last line as the closer. As a reader I am more likely to smile at the humor without the "cue" of the character herself laughing. I think you'll garner more appreciation for your excellent sense of humor if you trust the reader to find the character's shenanigans laughable.

*Vignette5* MECHANICS *Vignette5*

Issues related to the nuts and bolts of the story. This includes formatting, spelling, grammar, and punctuation.

The grammar, spelling, and punctuation are pristine.

*Vignette5* DIALOG *Vignette5*

What was the quality of the dialog? Did it sound natural or stilted? Did it contribute to the story and move it forward?

The actual dialog sounded quite natural to me. However I notice you have a tendency to tell us how we should interpret the dialog ("she exclaimed", "she blurted", etc.). Similarly, when the character does something, you often follow this with an explanation of what the character was feeling at the time ("she said in total frustration", "setting her jaw in a determined manner", etc). This bogs down the story unnecessarily - readers are more perceptive than you think! Sure, you have to give clues via little details, but there's no need to shout. *Smile* So, I would recommend employing more subtlety in that area.

The other thing I noticed was that you were inconsistent in how you handled Meredith's self-dialog. Sometimes it was in italics. Other times in quotes. And a few times neither one. I'd suggest picking a method and sticking with it for the whole piece. This will really help with continuity.

*Vignette5* PACING *Vignette5*

Issues regarding the flow of your story.

The story kept a steady pace and transitioned very smoothly from one scene to the next. You secured my attention by introducing new obstacles throughout the story, so that I had to know if poor frenzied Meredith would manage to make it to work on time.

I also liked the vivid action verbs sprinkled throughout the piece. You avoided the "passive voice" trap that some authors fall into. This kept the story moving along at a nice clip.

*Vignette5* PLOT *Vignette5*

Was the plot compelling? Did it work? Were there missing elements? Was it creative or cliche?

I liked the plot, and I thought it fit the image you built the story around.

*Vignette5* EXCEPTIONAL SECTIONS *Vignette5*

The parts of your story that stood out to me.

"Sliding in, she pumped the pedal three times and turned the key. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrr. Nothing. She turned the key again. Click, click, click."

This was awesome! This brief section added huge auditory depth to the scene. It really jumped to life in my mind.

"It's a good thing you're compulsive, she thought, smiling. Her clothes were precisely laid out on the wing-back chair in the corner. She pulled on her blouse, to save time, as she half-sprinted to the bathroom. Turning the faucets on, she started brushing her hair as the water warmed. She grabbed her toothbrush and squeezed toothpaste out onto it. One, two, three... Oh the heck with it. Fifty strokes would have to wait. The thought of her breaking routine made her grin until the frothy mess spilled over onto her blouse. "Noooo," she sputtered, releasing another glob which fell, totally soaking her front."

This was a great comedic scene. I loved the hairbrush part. You showed us her personality in a way that was entertaining. You might leave out that first bit where she tells herself she is compulsive. You showed her compulsiveness beautifully with the rest of the paragraph.

*Vignette5* PARTING THOUGHTS *Vignette5*

There is so much to like about this story, Ken! Your writing has a vibrancy to it that really makes it a five-senses experience. I think there are some areas that could be tightened, and hope that you'll continue working on those things. You really have a lot of story-telling talent!

Sincerely,
Sarah

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4
4
Review of The Poet Tree  
Review by Oasis
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Hi Ken, I had the pleasure of discovering your short story, "The Poet Tree"  while browsing your port. I'm offering this review in affiliation with the Rising Stars group.

*Vignette5* FIRST IMPRESSION *Vignette5*

The overall impact of your story.

I thoroughly enjoyed this little tale! It was a wonderful immersion of the senses, through your vivid depiction of sights, sounds, and smells. You expertly crafted a bittersweet nostalgia that permeated the piece and gave it depth. And, of course, It doesn't hurt that your main character shares my name *Smile*

*Vignette5* OPENING AND CLOSING LINES *Vignette5*

How effectivly did the opening line grab my attention? How skillfully did the closing line complete the story?

~ The opening line set the tone well, and it drew me into the story. At the same time, I can't help thinking that your second line, "I look like a ghost..." would make a great opening line too. That line arrested my attention even more than the first!

~ The closing line was a nice summation of the message of the story.

*Vignette5* MECHANICS *Vignette5*

Issues related to the nuts and bolts of the story. This includes formatting, spelling, grammar, and puctuation.

~ Spelling, grammar, and punctuation is clean!

~ My only suggestion related to presentation would be to differentiate dialogue from the rest of the paragraph throughout your piece. I'll insert my suggestion in one example snippet:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What am I missing here?" she asked herself.

[New paragraph...]

Ben got up and came to her, laying his hoary head on her lap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Vignette5* DIALOG *Vignette5*

What was the quality of the dialog? Did it sound natural or stilted? Did it contribute to the story and move it forward?

~ The dialog was one-sided, which is tricky, but was handled very well. I thought it sounded very natural.

~ Be wary of too many dialog qualifiers, such as "she wondered" or "she asked herself". These aren't really needed, especially since we know she's the only one talking.

*Vignette5* PACING *Vignette5*

Issues regarding the flow of your story.

~ The pacing was appropriate for the story and I didn't notice any particularly off-kilter spots.

*Vignette5* PLOT *Vignette5*

Was the plot compelling? Did it work? Were there missing elements? Was it creative or cliche?

~ The plot was compelling in its subtlety. The main character is dealing with her father's death, and the underlying question is whether there is hope to be found in a future without her father. The story answers this question in a very creative way!

*Vignette5* EXCEPTIONAL SECTIONS *Vignette5*

The parts of your story that stood out to me.

These two passages contained exceptionally beautiful imagery:

~ The image faded as the sun diluted the darkness, revealing the first touches of spring staining the hills in uneven verdant streaks.

~ In the burgeoning morning light, the old blue mug gleamed. Its radiance seemed to cover the small chip on the rim and the faded logo on its side. It was – had been, she corrected herself – her father's favorite and she could feel its warmth in her hand.

*Vignette5* PARTING THOUGHTS *Vignette5*

This was a fantastic sensory read that radiated warmth and bittersweet nostalgia. I enjoyed myself, and you can be sure I'll drop by your port for more in the future!

Sincerely,
Sarah

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5
5
Review by Oasis
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
INTRODUCTION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello revdbob ~ I discovered your moving poem "Poetry 10: Tomorrow's Tears"  while browsing your port, and knew I had to review it for the Rising Stars group!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPRESSIONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first word that came to mind upon reading this poem was powerful. The second was honest. And the third was true.

A poem like this could not have been written by one whose faith had not been tested. Your perseverance shines through like a beacon in this poem and I was very encouraged by it. Your words echo my own faith challenges in recent times. It's so good to find you're not alone in this battle, isn't it?

Your words are tinged with wisdom and they gently invite the reader to join you in considering what it means to journey through life in a world that groans in the thick of the battle between truth and lie. You show with poignant clarity that true faith drinks of both the beauty and the pain in their fullness, yet by God's grace, strikes a balance between the two.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPECIFICS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Below are some comments on a few specific lines:

I have to search through the doldrums
to find the ridiculous,
the incongruity,
the surprise!
that makes me laugh.
I have to find light in the midst of darkness,
Knowing that if I cannot,
I wither.

This is my favorite stanza in the piece. It resonated with me because I had to learn this principle one day at a time over the course of the last year.

I love how you stopped the flow with the word "surprise!" - that effectively got my attention in a visual way, to show how God will use little things to interrupt the flow of a long stretch of darkness to bring a smile (and relieve some of the pressure).

I also love the line "search through the doldrums". That's such a lyrical turn of phrase!

Tomorrow I will cry.
Tomorrow I will search out pain
so that I might act upon it
and bring it to the next day’s laughter.

What a powerful statement. After becoming replenished by God's good gifts, you turn willingly again to the world's pain, that it too might experience restoration. Very convicting!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EDITORIAL THOUGHTS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[This isn't an attempt to re-write your piece, but at the same time, a different perspective can offer food for thought. You're welcome to keep anything that seems useful, and toss the rest into the vast ocean of personal opinion.]

~ Free verse form is sticky to comment on, but interesting to consider, so I'll just toss out a few thoughts. I noticed the opening stanzas were short, and later grew significantly longer. In some places you stretched out a thought in one long line, while others were broken into smaller bits. I couldn't detect a pattern, although I realize sometimes there's not supposed to be one! Anyway, it might be interesting to play with the appearance for more consistency in stanza arrangement. Another idea would be to use two different forms as visual representations of light and darkness.

~ I think the use of specific imagery could strengthen your poem significantly. Broad subjects like grief, pain, darkness, light are always in danger of losing their impact when referred to generically. How much more vivid they are when a face, image, or scene is attached! You did a bit of that by speaking vaguely of sunrise, sunset, children, cats, and dogs - but it would be even more gripping with a few well placed adjectives, I believe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONCLUSION
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This poem was a moving and faith-invigorating read! Your open and reflective style effortlessly draws the reader in, and it feels as if you are freely sharing your heart one-on-one. What a pleasure to read! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Sincerely,
Sarah (Oasis)

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6
6
Review of Foundation  
Review by Oasis
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ken,

You use a really nice range of imagery to depcit nostalgia and the impact of past memories. I enjoyed the play of light and dark throughout the poem, which was a good metaphor for things hidden in the past versus things exposed in the present.

I thought these stanzas were particularly lovely:

Illuminated in dark recesses,
dust motes dance in the
sunlight as the slanting rays
of pale winter luminescence
find a fractured path through
mottled attic panes.

and

Smiling sepia faces return
my stare, puncturing time's veil
and releasing a warm flow of memories.

The only technical remarks I have are that the apostrophe should be removed from the word "its" in both of these linse:

opening it's brittle petals and
releasing it's musty perfume of age,

Aside from this detail, beautiful work!
7
7
Review by Oasis
Rated: E | (4.5)

Juneau,

You've packed quite a punch into such a simple poem. I see why it won an award! My favorite stanza is the last, which in and of iteself says volumes about the state of Palestine. And my favorite line is this one: "Explodes his vest to feel divine" This brilliantly painted the complete scene in my mind.

I did notice a few spots in the poem where sticking a word here or there would round out the meter and enhance the flow. I'll just toss out a few suggestions. If you read the stanza out loud with the suggested line, I think you'll see what I mean:

"through rivers of Palestine" > "through the rivers of Palestine"
"hearts filling up fast with hate." > "hearts that fill up fast with hate."
"a sad young boy without rights." > "a sad young boy without his rights."

Also, the last line should use an apostrophe for the word nothing's.

Even if you decide not to touch the poem, you have a moving statement that demands the reader to take notice. Job well done!

Sarah
8
8
Review of Auld Lang Syne  
Review by Oasis
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Ken,

I enjoyed this poem, and can appreciate the work I'm sure it took to craft a mirrored acrostic.

My favorite two lines: "Until the chording clock bids the year adieu" and "Lofty dreams, resting as wreathes of laurel".

Your observation of the fate of most New Year's resolutions is accurate, but I admit I would have loved to see the poem end on a more hopeful note.
I had to laugh when I saw you included definitions of the two words that tripped me up, alluvia and neoteric. My only thought there - if you get enough feedback that readers aren't familiar with these words, you might consider alternatives for the sake of connecting with your audience.

On the whole, good work, Ken!

Sarah
9
9
Review of Dear Mr. Fulton  
Review by Oasis
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Mela, this was great! I loved everything about the piece! You drew me in from the first line, and kept leading me along by gradually revealing more and more at just the right intervals. You developed Martha's character nicely through the letter, and the story itself was both interesting and effective as a cautionary tale.

Kudos! Well deserved win!

Sarah
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