This is very good. I can relate to the sentiments you have expressed here, and you have expressed them honestly and candidly. Once we are wronged by someone in our lives, it is hard to let someone new in, and once you find that person it is truly amazing the depth of love and emotion and connection that can come from it. Thanks for sharing.
I think this would work well as a chorus to a hardcore song, perhaps even trading the lines back and forth between a screamer and a clean vocalist. I'm not sure the direction you are looking into with it, but so far I think you have a strong start. I write songs myself and it is hard to find a balance between something that will stick with an audience and also something you want to say. You seem to be finding that balance. Email me when you have music or more lyrics if you like.
i like this more than I thought I would at first glance. You actually capture quite a lot of emotion and sentiment in the final word of each line, and as you limited yourself to just these words to make an impact on the reader, you actually accomplish quite a lot. Good job.
This is very good. It captures the thoughts of a soldier quite well and also is poignant, something that sometimes war isn't. I like the last stanza the most. I also like how you used an ABAB rhyming scheme in the first and fourth stanzas, and an AABB rhyming scheme in the middle stanzas. It gives the poem a packaged, wrapped, and complete feel. Well written.
This is an insight into a catalyst in your life, it seems. The moment that you choose to move on from the past into the future is captured in this poem, and along with it, a sense that the writer has matured as has the person. The theme, though as with earlier poems contains sadness and grief, also holds a look to the future, and a new found preparedness for the new.
There is a definite sense of guilt that comes across in this poem. That you feel responsible for your mother's death. This is a common theme in these experiences, yet you describe yours acutely. The short stanzas also reflect a sense of urgency to these feelings, and appropriately give the poem a brisk pace.
I will be honest. I have never in my life been moved to tears in a poem. Until now, that is. As I read this, I could feel the conviction, the sadness, and the passionate love for your mother in your heart. The cadence of the poem also fits beautifully with the them and although it is a heartbreaking work of longing for one past, there is a sense of looking forward to the future with the knowledge that your mother will always be there for you. Excellently written.
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