Hi!
I really like it when a poem is used to introduce a character. It brings a rhythm to the story from the beginning. I had to read the first line twice; once at the beginning and once a couple of stanzas down -- why plural swords and singular arrow? Couldn't find a reason.
Ooops, he didn't have a tail, did he? (last line)
Harken this tail of the warrior King Hayd
You probably need a period at the very end, at least.
I like the story and the tantalizing pieces of bait you use to draw us to find out more about this king.
Thanks!
Write on!
Very well done, thanks for the help. I am trying to find out how to make the letters larger in the ML. I have been wandering, but have not discovered this yet.
However, your item information is very clear and concise and I appreciate you writing them down for us!
This is going to be a really good story. It is not, however, very polished. I feel dragged down by the description instead of informed quickly what is going on, since we are already in battle.
Sample of neede correction: (This is not a sentence yet.)
The last rays of the evening sunlight gleaming of their pure white armor and sturdy glistening weapons of a various arrangement.
Then again, maybe you were just going for the onslaught and death and destruction mode. I'd say we need to care a little more about the characters to invest much in a story of this type. So, come on! Develop those characters! Clean up the verbage! You can do it!
You are truly a cutie! I like the way you write. I can relate to it so well. The images here are very fine and the conversation holds my attention. Sometimes when I read, the conversations ring in my head, the way this one is: Nothing I create goes to waste.
Thanks! (and you are welcome in advance for the gps!)
Well done! This story is very much in the style of Anne Rice and all her haunted beings. I am attracted to fallen angel stories and this one is well told.
Will there be more? It is well-organized, although perhaps a little sparse on history for those who know nothing of the Crusades or the Knights Templar.
I love my kitties and am happy to see that you do, as well. I love the first little black one, who is very evidently please with being held -- claws out in ecstasy...
Thanks for posting these CNotes -- I would like to help my friend put up her personal art to raise gps! She does lots of things, but my favorite are the dragons. How do you about making them?
Have I revealed I am but a lowly forgetful newbie yet?
I have been a member almost 3 months, but just got really involved recently!
Hi! I like it! Your characters are both believable and entertaining. Write on!
Really Really cute phrase: under the pressure of those extraordinary dimples...
Corrections as I wander:
Who's idea was it anyway (should be Whose)
Amber decided she definitly was not enjoying herself (definitely)
I ran into him trying haul that infernal suitcase (maybe trying to haul)
Hi1
Now I know more than I knew before. This is well-written and concise and I am sure I will be able to find it, if I ever want to come back! Sometimes I get lost and can't find my way back, but I am getting used to dropping bread crumbs. I'll either find my way back or get fat.
Hahahahaha!
Wait for it -- wait for it -- perfect delivery! This little essay was very cute, I'm glad it won the contest!
I like it when someone is able to lead me along by the hand, telling me "everything", leaving nothing important out -- well, that is how it seems until suddenly the trap closes and my laughter springs forth!
What memories you have and what wonderful memories you brought back to me. So many things have changed from the way they were when each of us started this journey of life, if we are over the age of 40! I am going to be 53 this month and it is really a privilege to say that I know how to use a mimeograph machine and I had a no-speed bicycle and a skate key for my skates, which attached to my shoes!
Thanks for this great post! I'm glad you still have your toes! Hahahhaahahaha!
This is a very cool idea! The organization of the page and the clarity of the instruction are good, but what does RAOK stand for? Newbies and inquiring minds want to know! I don't even remember how I got here!
I do, however, remember that one of the things was that you collect points! Here come some!
Thanks so very much! I love this song. I can feel the love and passion for love that fills this song. There are bittersweet and candysweet tears with all the important lessons of life.
She taught you and you share with us, so you and she teach us! Thanks!
How very fine of you to share such awesome emotions and experiences with all of us! I can't wait to do what I can to get that song, The Shoebox, out there! We have a local country music station that does a lot of fundraising and gives a lot of attention to things that are important in life. I'm going to see what I can do.
This little short story is packed with a lot of emotional energy. I didn't get the spiritual, deep-abiding shock that I felt was poised -- I wonder what it is in some stories that delivers that punch?
In this short, I long for a little more personal, individual, non-clinical comment -- a color, a smell, a touch, a taste, a descriptive sound -- but perhaps then it would be too personal for the writer.
There's a book on my shelf about writers, it's called Just Open A Vein. That's how it is sometimes, isn't it?
Technical note: "Amazing," he told her. "after all this time your eyes still shine."
I think we need a comma after her,
Thanks!
Good writing and thanks for the gift points!
Hi!
I like it!
You are off to a good start. The only thing that was confusing was since you started with a talking rat, I couldn't tell what kinds of beings the people in the second and third chapter were; humans I suppose, from the context.
A few corrections to an otherwise fine show of vocabulary and language use:
hoard should be horde
shear sb sheer
could not breath sb could not breathe
then he could breath sb then he could breathe
(I have been sick, so taking time with reviews)
Thanks for a great read -- let me know when you add more!
I'll go look in your portfolio.
Hi!
Cool story -- I have a bad cold today and am spending some time actually reviewing some really neat works! I like yours and I hope you won't be offended that I used it as an exercise in dictionary and vocabulary use.
Ladylike is in the American Heritage dictionary, so I bet unladylike would work as a word, rather than un-lady like.
Tiddlywinks is also a word (tidily is a form of tidy, which I don't think you meant).
poker stick is a bit rough, most people would call it a poker or perhaps describe it as a poker from the hearth or fireplace -- which makes me pause and wonder why they keep it by the stairs? Sherlockian question for sure, spurred on by you!
Fabulous imagery!
Louisa frowned, a V forming between her pretty brows and looking juxtaposed on a face otherwise utterly devoid of wrinkles.
This one needs a little work:
“So that’s where the shoes were for,” Macomb said, his face lighting up.
Hee Hee! I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing.
Hi!
I like it! It's original and well-written and filled with drama in a friendly kind of way.
I would have preferred we have more description of the demon -- that part was over a little too quick for me, of course, I like to know who the enemy is, as well as who the good guys are.
What fun!
I have absolutely no idea what language you wrote in, but it's cool! I only know English, but I know bits of several other languages! Keep up the good work!
I'm sending you some GPs, just because! Take care and have the best time!
Hi!
I like it! You have a few ragged spots which can easily be corrected by an editor when you get ready to go to print! There is nothing technically unbalanced that would prevent me from being interested in reading a lot more of your writing!
Keep up the good work!
This sentence is a little ragged -- killed and jumped don't agree...
"Those who managed to hang on, myself included, were either killed in her next attack or jumped overboard, not wanting to become the next thing that filled her stomach."
You have a really good imagination! I would like to have more description so that I can See the things you write about -- what colors? what sounds? what smells? what did it feel like to the touch?
This is a really interesting concept. You have stated the reason for your interest in obtaining readers and thereby finding really good stories that can become movies and tv projects. You have given us a place to visit to find out more, you have even offered an auto-reward for reading about it!
Thanks!
Hi!
I like it!
It is very cool to put the "Yet ." in at the end of this piece. You might want to resolve the guards/rifle thing -- probably one guard cried run and aimed one rifle, but maybe it was the other was around and there were more than one guard yelling and only one rifle being aimed.
Anyway, I like the way you built the suspense and the imagery, although scant, was definitely there "in the dark in the night" as they say in old horror films.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi! You are good at putting the emotion in from the beginning and I don't think you really need to repeat the "f" word several times in such a short sketch.
It is hard to imagine his weight, however bulky, whould unsettle the floor, so it would be nice to have the type of floor described.
Hang in there! You seem to have a clear picture about what you would like to express and a good imagination.
Take care,
Great idea for a poll! It proves to us when we see that others feel the same way that a lot of people love this site. Some don't, and that is to be expected. Some of the people I have talked to get lost, but I think they just don't really take the time to find out how to move around. I have several friends who were already here who have greatly encouraged me!
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