Another hilarious story. I can relate to this too, although I liked a good bit of light. Whenever it got dark outside, I’d always start seeing things and that wasn’t fun. But secret forts and boxes were so much fun to play in. Except for the time I found out that I was sharing the laundry machine box with a wolf spider. But that’s another story, lol
Your descriptions are truly fantastic in this. The paragraph that this sentence in works very very well. And I am really amazed at the poetry you create with these words. This sentence, however, needs a bit of work. The words you use are great, but it seems to be missing something. And I don’t know what. It’s like it’s missing part of your style and I can’t come even close to mimicking it. I've courted smoldering fireplace and midnight thunderstorm, breezy tunnel and murky pond. Perhaps I’ve courted the smoldering fireplaces and midnight thunderstorms, breezy tunnels and murky ponds.
drawn closed permanently. This sentence seems a little awkward. Perhaps eternally drawn closed or something like that. But it’s up to you. Remember to maintain your style. I just thought that I would suggest this.
I don’t mean to complain about my light-lover husband. Really, I don’t. This really made me laugh, lol. Light lover spider lover husband,
This is another great story. The punchline is the best. You nailed that right on. One other thing that I would suggest you add to your argument is that leaving the lights off and working in darkness not only saves time but money, since electricity costs so much. Thanks so much for letting me read this piece. I really enjoyed it. God bless you and keep on writing!
My favorite show was "Little House on the Prairie" ...and yes, when given the chance, I'll still watch the exciting invented adventures of pig-tailed Laura. This is the only thing that drew me out of the story, lol. I got an image of Laura with a pig tail. Perhaps just choose another description, lol. There was more to her than pig tails after all.
This is a very well written story. I could really relate to what you were talking about too. I was always uncool as a kid. But the reasons were because I was a Christian, homeschooler, short, curvier, and then some of the other reasons you mentioned. Um…uncoordinated and aggressive. Bad combo there, lol. I could go on and on a bit there, but still trying to find ways to write the stories with more humor.
However, you pointed out something very important here. Your husband and son love you, even though you’re not cool. And besides, according to Bill Gates, the geeks are the ones the cool guys are going to be working for.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. I wish that I could give you some more advice for this. But once again, just get this published. I think it’s got a lot of potential. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there! If there’s anything in this review that you don’t understand or that I need to elaborate on, please just let me know.
But I’m here to tell you about a third kind of Internet relationship. The kind where you get neither killed nor married at the end, but somehow emerge with lips that taste suspiciously like frog. This sentences seems a little bit awkward. I’d suggest that you rephrase it. Perhaps to but somehow emerge with lips that taste a lot like frog. Or something like that. Just my thoughts.
About a year into our relationship, my German I would suggest that you add in another word here, since it sounds a bit strange. Maybe my German friend or something like that.
third reich? I think that this is a proper noun, unless there was a reason you didn’t capatalize it.
suited for anything even close to expatriotism. this should be ex-patriotism at least according to the dictionary.
Definitely get this piece published!!!! I think that you convey a very important message here and you are exactly right. This third kind of romance is far more popular. I’ve watched many of my friends go through, yes online. And they usually end up breaking up. Some with a lot more baggage than others. (Though I do know one set of friends who had the Meg Ryan experience, seriously)
Because you’re not a ‘stuffy adult’ and you’ve ‘been there’, you have far more authority on this. You present the facts in a very humorous way so that the reader doesn’t feel like he/she is being preached at. While at the same time, you give good guidance.
Thankfully, your story has a happy ending. It’s saddened me so much because this type of relationship has destroyed a couple of my friends’ lives. Definitely get this published. Teen magazines would be a good bet, I think. Big points to you for conveying such an important message.
Keep up the good work. You have a rare talent of being able to tell a good story with a point with more than enough humor, which brings the prompt across even more. Use it to its best advantage. God bless you and keep on writing!
LOL, I can totally relate to this story. And it is so hilarious. I've had the same struggles, though now I'm getting better. No longer spilling as much, although I did have a run in with the fresh wall of paint at the church....literally.
I love the way you used this prompt. You twisted it around from something sinister into a fantastically hilarious story. I can so relate it just makes it funnier. You're a born comedy writer. And what a way to put a spin on things that a lot of people hide their heads with shame about.
Your beginning is great. As is your ending. Definitely seek a publisher for this one. Humor markets obviously, but there is a series out entitled Living Stupid. The first book has already been filled, but they're going to be doing a second one and there's a section for klutz stories. I don't have the web address with me, but if you type that into google, you'll probably find it. In the meantime, if I discover the market, I'll let you know.
The main thing that I would suggest for this story is that when you're telling the ice cube story, put it in past tense because it had already happened. I would also remove the colon when you start the story. That's just my personal opinion on it. I'm really surprised that your husband even allows you to fill ice cube trays.
You show a lot through this and it is written in a great light tone. I enjoyed this immensely and I can't wait to read more of the items from your world, lol. I hope that you're having a great time at the conference. Be careful not to spill anything.
While this is a good story, I don't think that it focuses on the central theme. You use a large amount of telling and the backstory seems to be the focus rather than Bagheera and Jake going to the market. You do the backstory very well, but I think that it deserves its own story and that this would work just as well to have just a brief going over of why the dog and cat are going to the market, etc. There doesn't have to be a lot. Just maybe a few sentences. Otherwise, the reader gets a little bit lost with these extra details, since the way Jake and Bagheera meet isn't really that important to your story.
Perhaps consider reworking the story so that it starts with them meeting each other and you can show them building the relationship.
Your characterization really shines in the first part of the story. You obviously have a cat and dog or know them. Is this the Bagheera whose picture I saw? And are you Sheila? You always struck me as a younger woman from your writing. I'd have guessed maybe twenty five or so. But I haven't read everything you've written so I could be horribly wrong. Is this all a true story though?
Another small nit pick is that you use laughed twice very close together toward the end of the story with the grocer.
This story would really excel if you would spend time focusing on the scene at hand. The dog and cat going to the market and the grocer loading them down. What do Bagheera and Jake see? Are they tempted to run off? This would make an excellent children's story.
Whether this is a true story or not, then here's some possible ways to sell it to a writing magazine:
1: if it's a true story using the humor here for a humorous pet story that has to be true or just a humor story if it doesn't have to be
2: shortening it so that it's a children's story and coming up with pictures or something like that
3: a story that deals with the way Bagheera and Jake met and the turmoil Sheila goes through with it. Would make a good pet story, more of a drama.
4: an article on teaching your pets to help you and how dogs and cats can be therapeutic and using this story (shortened and only if true) as an example
I have heard of people doing this sort of thing, but never with a cat, which is the only reason I wonder. But I don't see any reason why a cat wouldn't be able to learn to do that.
Anyway, this is a good story and I think that if you focus it a little more it will be even better. Thanks so much for letting me have a chance to read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
You communicate your feelings very well here. I like your repetition of every now and then. It works very well and this poem has excellent rhythm. I can read it easily and I get the images.
The only thing that I could suggest is that you don't capatalize the then in the next to last stanza. Unless there was a reason for that.
You use the punctuation consistently throughout which is always a good thing in my book. Your words are varied and they're not predictable, a hard thing to do with standard poetry. It's amazing that you wrote this in the middle of the night.
The only other thing that I could suggest is that you perhaps you center your text using the writing ML tags.
The best stanza in this is the one with the bulldozer. That was excellent imagery. Keep up the good work. I can see why this is dear to you. Thank you so much for sharing your talent. God bless you and keep on writing!
This really made me giggle. The only thing for the messy man that you forgot was socks under the bed. My father used to have a bad habit of doing that. No more, lol.
I only found one grammatical error:
Just as a person’s desk is an analogy of her mind so a man’s closet is an analogy of his attitude towards life. You need a comma between mind and so
This is a very amusing piece and made me laugh. You wrote this so well though I couldn't tell which was your husband. Although I would doubt that yours is organized. I could probably venture a guess, but I doubt that I should. lol
Anyway, very humorous. And I think that most men should be able to laugh about it. I know I can, but then I'm not a man. God bless you and keep on writing.
Totally hilarious, lol. And I can really relate. The last line is the best and pulls it all together. And it's neat to read some of the blessings of technology, rather than of all the curses. It really is amazing all the different changes that have happened.
You use a wide variety of sentence formatting, which makes this piece even more interesting to read. It doesn't have hardly any monotony to it, and there's a light humorous tone throughout.
The only thing that I could suggest is that you use would less in the final part. I don't know if you can think of a substitute. But perhaps vary that sentence structure up a little bit more.
Other than that, great job! I need to get one of those self scooping litter pans. At the moment, I'm still kind of living back about ten years ago. Of course that's what happens when you're the oldest of five and child to a youth pastor. lol
Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing!
I think that this one definitely needs punctuation. It would add to the drama and the emotion that you are portraying in this. I believe that the poetry form is abstract?
It seems to work pretty well, although it doesn't quite flow as well as some of your poems. That may just be because I don't understand what it is that you're doing or perhaps I'm pronouncing the words wrong. This was the main one that stood out to me: I tried to deny it at first
It just didn't work perhaps I tried to deny it at first But it just didn't work
And then also perhaps a but for but when an answer came or perhaps the answer since I would guess that you only got one.
Other than that, great job. I love those last three lines. *dreamy sigh* Thanks so much for sharing your talent. Another beautiful love poem. God bless you and keep on writing!
This has a very smooth rhythm to it. Especially your title phrase. It just has a great ring to it.
The only spelling error that I was able to find though was you put each other together again. You might want to correct that. Unless that's symbolic of how close you feel.
The only other thing that I would suggest is punctuation. I know that I've mentioned it before. That's just how I am. Unfortunately, I've always had a problem with punctuation so I've gotten it drilled into my head, so when I look at other people's work, I look at it almost the same as if it was my own.
Anyway, very beautiful. I love your images. Especially the last stanza. I look forward to when I meet my other half. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oh, this is such a beautiful, sweet poem. I love the emotion that fills this. It's so sweet. You use very strong word pictures. Especially the handcuffs.
The only thing that I found to suggest that you change is this: We knew eachother you need a space between each other.
The last thing that I could suggest is that you use punctuation. However, I'm not sure whether you want to or not, since sometimes punctuation adds to and other times it takes away. I'll leave that to your creative discretion.
Great job! I look forward to reading more of your work. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is piece was very moving. The point of the story really was just fantastic. Your word choice excellent. The only reason I wasn't able to give this five stars was because of two things:
1. You switch from past to present tense
2. You tend to have use run on sentences. A good example of that is in your second paragraph. The first sentence. That would really do good to be cut into a couple sentences.
Your descriptions and images though are very vivid. I wish that this piece was longer and that you could have elaborated a little more on your addiction. But it seems that this piece was written for a specific word count. If you could, elongating this would make it even better. But if not, it's still a good piece.
Thank you so much for submitting this to Write Stuff. God bless you and keep on writing!
This made me laugh. I can relate. My dad has an old type writer that gave me fits too. The only things that I can suggest for this are minor.
Perhaps I'll rather than I will in the first stanza. And perhaps won't rather than will not in the final. And then usually there should be a space between the word and dash in most cases.
Other than that, great job! I loved this. Your imagery is excellent and I love your word choice. Thanks so much for sharing your talent. God bless you and keep on writing!
Wow, I can't imagine having to deal with it. I know that this couldn't have been easy, but I applaud you for writing about it. I still have a hard time writing about my grandparents' death.
The main thing that I would suggest in this poem is that you use contractions. It would make your flow a lot smoother.
It's short, but at the same time, very poignant. You express your grief and the loss that you and your family suffered in very few words.
The only other thing that I have to suggest is that you capatalize each of the first letters on each new line.
Anyway, great job. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this grief. God bless you and keep on writing.
This is another interesting poem, although I'm not sure which form of poetry you're using. You might want to describe it if it isn't the traditional form associated with poetry.
However, I think that your word choice is excellent. They're very poignant and I can see the man. Excellent job. I'm sure you got a good grade on this.
Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there and welcome to Writing.Com! I saw you on the Muses' Alley and I thought that I would check out your portfolio. You've become an author really fast. From talking to some members, it takes them a while to get up the courage to post anything.
This is a very interesting poem here. I only have a couple suggestions. of innoucence. I think that innocence is mispelled, butI'm not sure because that might be a dialect. I'm leaving that up to you, but I thought that I would point it out.
I would also suggest that you start your first stanza off with a captital letter unless you did that for effect.
I can't really give you any advice on this poetry's form.
I like the way that you use color to make the mood for this piece. Nice touch. And you put a space between the stanzas. It makes it so much easier when you put an extra line between stanzas and paragraphs so big points to you!
If you have any questions or need any help, please feel free to contact me. I'd be glad to do anything I could. Thanks so much for sharing your talent. God bless you and keep on writing!
Wow, what a way to end your portfolio. This is a very short poem and so those are usually harder to review. However, I can comment on the things that you did do right.
I couldn't find anything wrong with your rhythm and the word choice was excellent. This is probably one of the darkest pieces I've ever written, but you make an excellent point.
The only possible thing is perhaps a comma between falsity and the in the second line of the second stanza, but I'm not sure about that one.
Once again, great job. Thanks so much for sharing this. I think that you make a great point here. You are a very talented woman. God bless you and keep on writing!
The thought stirred terror, panic! I would suggest making this two sentences for the drama. The thought stirred terror! Panic!
This is probably one of your most vividly described pieces. It's very impressive. Your word choice is almost flawless. I can only see a few things that I would consider changing, but it is just my own personal taste, so I didn't note those.
I really love the way that you focus on the solution and not so much the problem. It's very refreshing and your work doesn't have a dark tone to it. I think that God is answering your prayers, because I can see so much in your work and I believe that it will minister to many.
The only thing that I can suggest is that you capatalize all the pronouns referring to God, but I've already mentioned that.
You have a very light and optimistic feel to your work. A definite plus in my book. Thanks so much for sharing your talents and your faith. It's very refreshing. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is an excellent story and I really love the point to it. I've never heard of Centered Prayer, but I have done it. I always thought it was just meditating on God. It was very interesting to read the history of that.
I think that this piece has a very strong potential, yet it seems to lack the great magnitude of what it is that you experienced. I don't mean this in a bad way, but this piece seems to glance over the entire process so much that it doesn't do it justice.
I don't know what exactly I would suggest, since this will all come down to your own personal preference. However, I think that it might be good if you spend more time describing the scene when you went there, what your thoughts were, what you and your friend talked about, how you were received, how you knew that the leader was a little bit worried about you, etc. Definitely a good bit more showing would help.
Also I visited my friend Susan in Colorado Springs last February. She has taken an incredible spiritual journey that is still continuing and I was looking forward to spending time with her. This is just a few minor points. There should be a comma between friend and Susan and then between Susan and in. Also you shift tenses a good bit, but since this is a piece that is dealing with the present as well as the past, I am a little bit unsure. For the general flow though, I would suggest keeping it all in past when you're talking about the story so has in She has taken an incredible spiritual journey would be had.
I would also suggest that you capatalize all the pronouns referring to God. It is usually a sign of respect. And most Christian publications prefer it when you do that.
I really love your ending. I think that that was the best part. The only way that that could be better is if at the beginning you drew into the first paragraph or so that you couldn't imagine yourself cuddling in God's arms or something like that. Showing how you felt before this experience.
Now for the good stuff. I can see your sincererity and great delight in this. And I can relate to you one hundred percent, though I have never been to a place like this. I love your voice. It's sweet and clear and very laid back as well as relaxed. You don't have a preachy tone and I enjoy the way that you intertwine the historical information into this piece as well.
Definitely a piece that I enjoyed. I know that it probably seems as if I had a lot of criticism in there, but I really thought that this story was great. Hopefully, this review was helpful. Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your talents. God bless you and keep on writing!
What an excellent idea! I'm not really able to help too much right now but I hope that these gift points will help a little bit. The purpose of this Review Mixer is excellent and I think that it will help newbies fit in better since that means that everyone will be a lot more willing to look at their work.
I also appreciate the fact that you put reviewing guidelines into the article. That way people will stop and remember that they need to think about what they're writing. Anyway, thanks so much. I think that this is a wonderful idea. The only thing that I think you should clarify is that if we send the points to you, do we need to specify that it's for the Review Mixer or does it matter? I'm just a little foggy on that detail. Other than that, great article. Thanks so much!
I love your Dr. Seuss style. It is written so well that I would have thought that he had written it. Excellent job!
I do have a few suggestions though. Also, in my dialect, "been" is pronounceded "ben", not "bean", in the 14th stanza! I think that pronounceded should be pronounced. Unless you're trying to do another Dr. Seuss thing. But I wasn't sure and I thought that I would just mention it.
The rhythm in this poem and the word choice is great. I always did like the Cat in the Hat and so it's great to see him turning over a new leaf. The only other thing that I would suggest is that you add in how the kids feel when their mother shows back up. After all, I'm guessing that they're probably going to be a little bit startled to see her. Especially since they've been trying to keep the Cat in the Hat hidden through all the other books. Maybe Mom's always been aware of it. I don't know if you want to go there, but it would add a little more to this and keep it from having such an abrupt ending.
Other than that, great job! I'm sure that my little brothers would love to read this story. And I know that I did enjoy it. Keep up the good work. God bless you and keep on writing!
lol, what can I say to improve this? Nothing at all. I loved it. The flow, the imagery, even the colors worked so well! I could just see this in a book and it reminded me so much of Dr. Seuss' style.
I always liked the cat and it's fun to see him turning over a new leaf. I guess the only thing that I could suggest adding in is the kids' reaction when they realize that their mom is done talking with Jen. I imagine that they might be a little bit scared or something like that.
But regardless, this is great. I know that my little brothers and the little kids I babysit for would really enjoy this little tale. I know that I did. God bless you and keep on writing!
Thank you so much for submitting this to Write Stuff!
I don't know if tenacious is the right word that you are looking for. This is the definition of tenacious: adj.
Holding or tending to hold persistently to something, such as a point of view.
Holding together firmly; cohesive: a tenacious material.
Clinging to another object or surface; adhesive: tenacious lint.
Tending to retain; retentive: a tenacious memory.
This is where you use it: The movement was slight at first, but grew increasingly tenacious, until the struggles finally severed the egg from its roost. I don't know if you used it correctly or not, but it seemed to me in this context that it's movement or something like that.
I didn't find any grammatical errors or anything else like that. The only thing technically that bothered me was that the long sentences made it a little bit hard to follow sometimes.
However, your word choice was excellent and it flowed very well. Excellent job! I really don't have anything else to suggest. Except that at least your story would answer the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg Is that the question that inspired this story?
Thanks again for submitting. God bless you and keep on writing!
Thanks so much for submitting this to Write Stuff. Yes, this is exactly the sort of thing that I'm looking for!
I love your comparison to riding and I think that that is done very well. Your rhythm is a little bit off though in each of the stanzas. Not too much, but for instance, you might change because to cause in the first stanza, some to even in the second stanza. It's more or less a matter of preference, I'm guessing. I would just suggest that you read it out loud and see how it sounds to your ears.
Thanks again! It was a fun read. God bless you and keep on writing!
The story is a good one, but the I think that the rhythm would be better if you had the lines as whole sentences rather than breaking it off in the middle of a sentence. I don't really know poetry, so if this works for you, I'll accept that. It's just that as I try to read it out loud, it doesn't flow very smoothly. Your imagery is good, especially on the island. I would enjoy seeing this enlongated as well, although this works very well even at this length. Thanks so much for sharing this and for submitting it to Write Stuff. Keep up the good work. Thanks again. God bless you and keep on writing!
Jessica
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