Here's my critique, but take it with a grain of salt. I think that this poem has a lot of potential but right now, I don't think that it's quite meeting that. I read it out loud a few times, and I cannot figure out the rhythm of the poem. It seems to be all over the place. Some creativity in the meter and in the expression is fine, but it should have something that binds it together.
My other issue with the poem is that some of the word choices seem to be a bit off, more as if you have something to say but are still trying to chisel out that perfect form from the words. For instance, you use beauty twice in the same stanza in side by side lines. It also ventures a little bit into the cliche. Young boy is struck by a girl's beauty and never falls out of love with her again, but all that we know of her is that she is beautiful and rejects him and that he is lovestruck and loyal. While these can make great elements for a poem, they need more to make them stand out either in the metaphors or the analysis.
I liked the implication of his being fooled by the illusion of her beauty, but that needs to be developed more if you want the reader to hone in on that. That is also bordering on the cliche, but you could probably do something more with that. Perhaps using more specific descriptions in the poem itself? Always a challenge in a poem, I know. It can be quite difficult to get it right, but if you could do that, I think you could still have a similar theme and purpose but just make the poem stand out and shine on its own.
The other challenging thing in poetry is determining when a word is specifically chosen. After all, poetry is not supposed to always be grammatically correct. But I did notice that you used the word "remaining" when talking about his courage, and I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps "remnant" might be a better choice.
Anyway, I think that in all you have a good start for a poem. It has the base emotions that you want and the outline of a tragedy. What I think it needs is that extra dash of you and uniqueness to make it stand out and get the attention it deserves. Have a great day.
Great acrostic poem. The second portion, particularly in the last two sentences, feel more off rhythm and out of sync. The initial two sections have a particular grace and flow which the final portion does not.
Wow! That wasn't what I was expecting. I love the irony in this piece. The humor really gets me but in a good way.
It almost seems though like the best point of view for this would be Woody. I'm curious to see what he thinks about all this. And you do snap to him for an instant, but I think it would work better consistently.
Great work! I hope you have fun working with these characters. God bless you and keep on writing.
I can't imagine going through that. But you write it all and keep it from sounding sad. It almost has a note of thankfulness to it.
Your word pictures are, as always, incredible. But I think that this is another one of those poems that would be well done in free verse and without worrying about continual rhyme. I would be interested in seeing how it turned out if you did it that way.
Thanks for letting me read. God bless you and have fun writing!
Oooh, I wasn't sure where this story was going. The time change took me by surprise. At least, I assume that that was a time change. I don't know.
Very well done. You introduce the back story easily and without dragging it down. My only real complaint is that this it seems too long and takes awhile in getting to the real source of the action. I would suggest cutting it down a bit or maybe starting it in the bar if you can. I don't know. That's up to you.
You've also got some minor punctuation issues, like when she's talking to her mother, you need a comma before mother. Just simple things like that.
Other than that, great job! Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Oooh, a sci fi novel! It's been so long since I've read one of these. I'll do the best I can to help with this.
All right, overall, I think you've got a good beginning. I really like Orion. And that is my first suggestion. There seems to be a lot of telling and the section in the middle with the history of the Alliance doesn't quite seem necessary. I know that it's hard, but I would really suggest that you take that out and find other less obtrusive ways to bring it in. You've got so many incredibly interesting things to say that there's no reason for you to bog your story down at this point with a back history.
Also the dream sequence. It seems too distance. I know that you want it to be distant, but for the purposes of making the reader more connected with Orion, why not dig a lot deeper? Get into the actual heart and soul of what he's feeling. Part of what took me out, for instance was the 'still not properly awake'.
At the same time, I also wasn't quite sure what bearing it had on the story. I know that it will later. But if it doesn't have any effect, then don't start there. Start some place else. Publishers, at least from what I've been told, tend to be leery of books that start with dream sequences. And this has such a promising start aside from a few things that I wouldn't want them to take it out because of that.
To attract reviewers, one other suggestion I have is to put a space between each paragraph so that they aren't intimidated by the long paragraphs.
One final thing that I noticed was that Orion doesn't seem quite as connectable the next time we join his character. He seems rather distant and I'm not quite sure what he's thinking or what he's feeling. Is that the effect you're hoping for?
Again, I think that you do the best job with Orion. Particularly in showing him checking over all the systems better than he has to.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. I would be interested in helping review the rest of your book but let me know if this sort of review is helpful to you or if you want more in depth or perhaps a line by line?
This really sums up the writing and reviewing experience. And that is being Open and True. Excellent work. You don't come across as too emotional. The words create the image of just a calmness that, while dependent, is not needy. That can be a hard voice to create. Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Okay, so I'll admit that I am a big C.S. Lewis fan! But even if I wasn't, I'd still say this was a good poem.
Your rhythm and word choice are very good here. But I think the best part is the quote from The Last Battle. It really makes it pop and brings all your other lines into an even sharper view.
Great work! Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing.
At first, I didn't realize that this was about Frodo or one of the hobbits. I thought it was just something that an individual not connected with the story was writing about. But then when I got to the third line, I realized it was one of the hobbits and then the line about the holes made sense. :) Very good!
The poem works well for me. Creates strong images. The only thing that stood out to me was the fifth line with 'to Rivendell we grope'. It didn't quite work for me, considering the tone you use throughout.
Great job! Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Great job! Yes, writing about crushes and love in poetry is a beautiful thing.
I like the way you take a 'cliche' and all those pieces and yet keep it from seeming stale. This is just great. I really think you should see about submitting it to a card company.
Your rhythm seems pretty good. And, in this case, I think the end rhyme works really well and emphasizes the underlying tone of the speaker.
Only suggestion would be to use punctuation within the lines, like after Lady, and all that.
Ah, I sympathize with your frustration! I have a friend who hated poetry and yet wrote books of it, lol. Isn't it a ridiculous irony?
I love it that you have decided to commemorate this in a poem though. It just really emphasizes the whole paradox.
For suggestions though, I think that in this case, the use of end rhyme is messing up your rhythm. If the rhythm could be righted so that it flows, I don't think the end rhyme would be a problem. One alternative though would be to use assonical or inner rhyme and go free verse, unless there is a specific form you want to use.
You'll also want to go back through and pick up the places where you need punctuation. Unless you decide you want a piece with no punctuation. That's entirely up to you.
Anyway, it looks good. I hope that you have a great day. God bless you and keep on writing!
I guess that in all honesty, I'm just a sucker for love poems. Ah...well, this certainly didn't disappoint. I like how you combined writing and love together. I certainly feel as if they do work, lol.
For suggestions, the main one I have is that the rhythm seems off throughout the poem. The lines that have more words than the others in particular. You might try inner rhyme or assonical rhyme in this piece so that the rhyme isn't the focus.
I don't know if you want to try that or not. But anyway, great job with the poem. Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
A very intriguing story. I really do wonder what's going on and I think that you have certainly captured an interesting story here.
My only real criticism was that it was hard to follow at times because there were so many characters being introduced. I know that they all have something in common in this story and that there will be a reason, but something that might make the transition easier would be like *** or something like that so that the reader is definitely expecting a change.
Other than that, great job! Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing!
I like the way you have taken a 'typical' fairy tale and given it a whole new life.
You really capture Ela's feelings. The only thing that made it difficult was the shifts in points of view, since they were all in first person. You might want to insert some form of marking that it is not continuing in the same person's thoughts other than spacings. Also, have you considered third person? That might be a better format for this?
Other than that, I have no real complaints. The twist at the end was totally different from what I expected. I look forward to seeing how you tie the rest of the story together.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Bringing Ashlee in definitely adds a neat character twist. Again, I think you're getting closer to making the reader connect with the MC.
Still, one thought, do you want the one issue in the MC's case to be so 'obvious'? I think it might work for the purposes of tension that it would be something a little harder to prove and a little less noticeable.
Also with the sort of character that he seems to be, John strikes me as being much more contemplative and calculating and a good liar. The detective already said he was good. So it almost seems to detract from that that he would make such a mistake.
Anyway, I look forward to reading more. God bless you and keep on writing!
I don't have much to add except that you seem to do a better job at the start in giving it a clearer action. But you'll still need to watch the 'stilted' writing.
Also when he kills his dad, it seems a little bit too fast. I had to read back over it a couple times to see what happened. I don't know if you can make a little more of an intro to it or what.
Also, what about when he hits himself in the face with the shovel? Wouldn't that break his nose and make his face bloody? I'd think that that would give some evidence to the police that something happened.
Thanks again for letting me read. God bless you and keep on writing.
Looks like you've got a great premise to work off of. I like the character you've created here. Especially his attraction to a not 'typical' girl.
The one thing that doesn't really draw me into this story though is the language. It seems like the MC is just a little bit too formal. Especially if these are journal entries. If you're trying to make him seem like a cold and calculating character, it might work, but it does make it harder to get into it.
Good job with the details too. You definitely catch some good descriptions and personality traits. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Thanks for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Wow! This sounds like an incredible opportunity. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
Since I'm doing a critique of this though, one thing that might be good would be to mention some good short stories that have become movies. Off the top of my head, I can only think of novels that have managed that. That might also give writers a better idea of the sorts of short stories they can look at.
Thanks again for sharing this great opportunity. I think it would be fantastic to join in. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is an incredible story and one you should definitely be proud of. The dialogue and descriptions are excellent. Really, I don't know that you should leave it as a short story. There's enough here for a short book.
I do have a few suggestions though.
No critiques about the writing style. It's good. Draws me in and makes me want to know more.
But I was wondering why you don't just start the story when they first see it? It doesn't seem like you would lose much to start it at that point. Otherwise, I'm just sort of wondering why they're all reminiscing.
Also I would be curious to see what it is that the MC is writing about. That would be really neat. And it would be even better to see how their lives or at least MC's lives have changed through their actions rather than just their dialogue.
I loved the back stories for all the characters. But unless you make this longer, it didn't seem like it added a lot to it. Still, they're great. They seemed very real.
Do you plan to elongate this? I think you've got enough depth and meat for your characters that you could and should.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
lol yes, chocolate is more than just a candy and uses senses other than taste. You did an incredible job of incorporating all the senses. Even with the piece of chocolate that she didn't want. Very, very nice.
The sad thing is that this makes me want to go and grab a box of chocolates. You made me hungry, lol. But that just goes to show how good a writer you are.
I also like the way you don't use names. That's a nice touch. The ambiguity makes it seem as if it could be anyone.
At the end, I was dying to know what the note said. But at the same time, I think you made the right decision in not letting the reader know. The focus was on the chocolate, not on the note and it would probably have distracted from it.
Excellent job. Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
The premise for this piece is beautiful. You have a lot in here and I am really excited to see where you take it.
There is so much tension and good thoughts in here. The one thing that will really make it stronger and more poignant for your reader is if you show the action. Instead of just saying she went shopping, maybe describe it a little more. What did she buy? What about smells? Sounds? Did she hear anything when she went back into Starbucks? What was it like at the homeless shelter? How did Donnie receive the money?
This is a great base for several spin offs. I wasn't sure where you were going to take it. But I do like this avenue. I just think that if you add more action and show the reader rather than tell, you'll have a stellar piece.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Again, you have great thoughts. But in this case, you lost me a little bit. I sort of understood what you were trying to say, but I had to read over it a couple times to get through it. Now if this is for a trade magazine or a place like that, I think it would probably work really well. But if this is just for the average person to read, you might want to smooth out the lines and make the sentences a litte less complex.
Neat idea though. Kind of funny thinking about a mother and father that way.
Thanks so much for sharing. God bless you and keep on writing!
I love the words in this! It is so sweet and enthusiastic. And I love the twist on extravagent, because in the context you use it, it comes off not as extravagent in the typical sense but in a way that makes the extravagent necessary because it isn't just extravagence for the sake of itself.
Hopefully that didn't completely lose you, lol.
Anyway, the only other suggestion I have would be to reread the poem outloud and see where the natural breathing pauses are and make those your line breaks. Otherwise, some of the lines seem too long and I stumbled to read them.
Other than that, it looks good. That's the great thing about poetry though. It is so subjective. And like I said earlier, I like the way you play with the word extravagent. It seems like such a final thought, but at the same time it gives the impression that it's been woven throughout.
Thanks for letting me read. God bless you and keep on writing!
Very nice, lol! I was looking for the twist and finally caught it. At parts, the story seemed to drag but now that I know where it is that you're taking the story, I can see that they were necessary. Love the casualness of the 'commander's' dialogue.
The only real issue I had was with commas. Just like when the commander says like 'chow,' there should be a comma before that.
Good job. I know from experience that this takes a lot to write a story that has two possible meanings. If you do decide to do a rewrite, you might see if you can tone down the monologuish thoughts in the middle when the Sentry is reflecting. That way it stays more interesting for the reader.
Another suggestion would be to keep this story and do another version of it, but see if you can write it in under 100 words so that you could submit it as flash fiction to a magazine.
Thanks so much for letting me read this. Hopefully it helps at least a little. And if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. God bless you and keep on writing!
Jessica
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