A very, very humorous story! It made me smile and I enjoy the way that you tell this. The punchline about the publisher was excellent and made me laugh, even though I saw it coming. Great work!
I would suggest that you change your title from Ivan the Terrible Memory to Ivan's Terrible Memory.
There was only one grammatical issue that I caught throughout the whole thing:
“Can I possibly have a read of your writing Ivan, my old friend,” asked Patrick, trying his best to control the tone of his voice to avoid suspicion.
You are right in putting a comma between Ivan and my but you also need a comma between writing and Ivan.
The only other thing that I could suggest is that perhaps you add in how Ivan felt about letting Patrick take it home to read. And also, maybe tie the cat in a little more.
Perhaps Ivan tries to post post it notes throughout his house to remind him of things and the cat eats them? For a rather humorous addition? Perhaps the cat likes to eat Ivan's manuscripts, and so he grabs the nicer of the two piles, which is the wrong one? Just a thought.
Anyway, an excellent story. Thanks so much for sharing this and submitting it to Write Stuff. God bless you and keep on writing!
Thank you so much for submitting this to Write Stuff! I'm going to comment on two individual areas of your story in this review:
Content: Your plot is excellent, cohesive, suspenseful. I couldn't find anything more to add. I was impressed that you wrote this in a play format. And wrote this mainly in present tense. I know from experience that that is definitely a difficult task.
Grammatical, Technical, Etc.: This is what dragged your stars down. You switched tenses a lot. It starts out in present, moves to past, and then goes back and forth. You also use a good number of run on sentences in this one. I know that it's in conversation, but it would probably be a good idea to break them up. You also need to go back through and capatalize the first letters of all the first words in the sentences. And put in some more dialogue breaks in the conversation.
Your myth was excellent, the title intriguing. If you fix the technical areas, you'll have a fantastic story. I love the culture that you wave into this as well. It could take place almost anywhere and doesn't seem to just be set in one time period. This adds a good flair in my opinion.
Thanks again for sharing this. A suspenseful tale, I must admit. God bless you and keep on writing!
This is an excellent and charming story. There were only a few things that I noticed that could make it better.
“Hello daddy,” his daughter’s voice played over again in his head. This is a standard comma issue. There should be a comma between hello and daddy and daddy should be capatalized.
Your descriptions are excellent, but you need to watch out for run on sentences. Especially when he's remembering. You do use a good bit of repitition, but to me, that worked just fine and seemed to be adding to the flow of the story.
I don't know if you want to, but it might be good to add some closure to this story as well. What happened to the woman that he rescued? Was that his ex wife? I didn't quite make the connection and with this sort of story I think that's okay. But it might be nice just to put in a little sentence about that.
Anyway, great job. This had a very soothing flow and had a relaxed feel to it. I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks so much for submitting this to the Write Stuff contest. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hey there! I saw your introduction on Noticing Newbies and thought I'd stop by your portfolio. This is an excellent poem and I would have never guessed that English was not your first language.
There were just a few rhythm things that I noticed and thought I would point out. Nothing major
The room
is empty
and yet I
see the light Personally I would remove the and.
A window
left open
I slip into
the night I would say A window is left open and I slip into the
There are always
new chances
new paths
a new choice I can't quite put my finger on it, but this stanza seems a little off. I think there are too few syllables.
Other than that, you did an excellent job. And I enjoyed the point and the way that you used the reptition. It definitely worked to your advantage. Keep up the good work. I hope that you have fun here. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. God bless you and keep on writing!
Excellent job! Personal experience in this one going both ways would definitely work to your advantage. Other than that, I couldn't find anything to nit on. You did a great job and it was an enjoyable read. Are you planning on writing a whole devotional? You might want to consider it. It seems to be one of your talents. God bless you and keep on writing!
Another great devotional. The same basic things that I have mentioned in the other reviews apply here as well, namely the personal experience. Other than that, I have noted a few spelling things you might want to know about as well as grammatical.
I recently heard someone sing "I did it my way" By Frank Sinatra and it sends chills down my spine just knowing that Satan is laughing in the background. I did it my way should be capatalized and in italics since it's a song. Also b in By should not be capatalized.
Now a days if you do or say something kind for someone, it's called brown nosing. should be nowadays rather than now a days
So whatever you sow, God's will or self-will determines weather you receive blessings or curses. weather should be whether
Other than that, great job! I love the way you put a little prayer down at the end. I think that that is an excellent addition. Keep up the good work. It's a pleasure to read what you write. God bless you and keep on writing!
Another good devotional, but I have a few suggestions. Once again, you have a couple places where you have run on sentences. Where you're telling the story is the main part. The other thing that I would suggest is that you find the story and get permission to use it. Otherwise, and I'm not sure, but it might be considered copyright infringement. I don't know for sure, but I would definitely check that out. Then the other thing that I would suggest is that you give some more specific examples. Maybe some from your own life if you can. Those can often do a lot to further a devotional.
Other than that, you did a great job. And I like your style. It's very good and pleasant. Thanks so much for sharing this. God bless you and keep on writing!
Hi there, Angel! I saw you on the Noticing Newbies and I thought I'd give your portfolio a run through.
I really thought that this story was very well done. The point is great and I can definitely relate. I've always been interested in stories about the Prodigal Son's Brother, because I can relate to how he felt.
Writing wise, the only thing that I could suggest is that you break up your sentences more. You have some run on sentences that take away from the point in your story. And rather than using an ambiguous story, the you, etc. I would suggest using a personal experience. lol If you need a personal experience I can send you one. But usually in devotionals, when true stories are used, than the reader is more inclined to take something away.
Other than that, you did an excellent job. You were very concise and did a great job. I definitely enjoyed reading this. Welcome to Writing.Com! I hope that you have a great time here and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. God bless you and keep on writing!
A very beautiful way to describe writing. I enjoyed it very much. By the way, I saw this in the For Authors Newsletter and it really intrigued me. I love your descriptions and the way you describe writer's block and inspiration. It's totally amazing. The only thing that I would suggest is that perhaps you use punctuation throughout since you use it a little bit. Now I know that that can be an artistic choice and if that's the case, it's fine. Keep on writing and God bless you!
Excellent job! I am very impressed with the way that you wrote this, though it would be challenging to be the donkey, I'll say that, lol. And I love how you tie in Jesus' birth with the triumphal entry. Keep up the good work. God bless you and keep on writing!
A very well written and extremely well described piece. I only found one grammatical error.
meant to be worn, makes good grades, does his chores and baby sits his 3 year old little sister, my daughter from my second marriage, without complaint. most of the time baby sits is babysits
The only other thing that I would suggest is adding in what you had hoped he would become and also how he relates to his brother. Other than that, great job.
I like the message to this piece. It really has a lot of depth to it, and shows how you are still loving your son but also stepping back and letting him make choices for himself. The great thing is that I can tell that you still love him, even with that little thing stuck in his eyebrow. Thanks so much for sharing this. Keep on writing and God bless you!
An excellent piece! And very encouraging. You write it all with such a great passion and I love it. I just have a few suggestions:
I think if you love someone, you want him or her to be a part of your every day. I would say every day life, just for the flow's sake.
The only other thing that I would suggest that you change is the intro. You use the past tense, and I know that you do not feel that way about Jesus at all.
But other than that, great job! Keep up the good work and keep on writing! God bless you more and more!
This is an excellent idea. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that not everyone knows about this site. And the key words you suggested are excellent. I have yet to try that since I have only tried what I thought were writing related words. But it sure couldn't go wrong. Thanks so much for the suggestions. Keep up the good work and thanks for all you do here. God bless you and keep on writing!
For a character sketch, I think this is good. For the intro to a story it needs work. However, you do specify that this is a character sketch. I like Andrea a lot and I can see her and get a good glimpse of her personality. I hope that you write about her soon. I'll be hopping over to check out your portfolio to see if she appears there. Thanks so much for sharing. Keep on writing! God bless you!
Hey there and thanks for entering the contest! If there's anything here that doesn't make sense or if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.
I really don't have any suggestions. It was very well written and sucked me right in. The names, the descriptions, everything was very well done. I guess the only thing that I would suggest is starting the story off with an action rather than memories. It could just be something simple, but an active voice right at the beginning might make it even stronger.
Some of your descriptions are extremely poignant. Especially right before she changes. You might want to consider adding a little more to that section, but since this was written for another contest, I would guess that it had a word limit? It just confused me a little bit as to what had happened, but by the end, I had a good enough grasp of what had happened.
Other than that, excellent job! It was great. Thanks so much for submitting this. Keep on writing! God bless you!
Hey there and thank you for submitting to the contest! If there's anything in this review that I could make clearer, please just let me know.
This is an excellent story. I only have a few suggestions. The first would be to change your intro because that somewhat spoils your punch line, which really had me grinning. The other is to introduce Cal's name at the beginning, rather than referring to him as just he for a bit.
Your action sequences and those descriptions were excellent, and I loved some of the lines. I won't put them down here, since this is going to be public and I don't want to spoil it.
The slender mithril blade ducked deftly under his raised shield and glanced off his breastplate, leaving a bright metallic scratch across the relief of Sune that was displayed prominently across his chest I would suggest simplfying this sentence. You could use just about the same words except maybe changing leaving a bright metalic scratch across the Sune relief prominently displayed across his chest. Just a thought.
Other that, excellent job. I really enjoyed this and it made me laugh. It was also very easy to read. Thanks again. Keep on writing! God bless you!
A very interesting story. You do the POV changes a lot better here. And I think that that is mainly because you only do two or three in this story.
“Hey Ryan. Got my message I see.” you need a comma between hey and Ryan. Also, you might consider putting in the message at the beginning, so that you're showing rather than telling. “Making sure you’re alright.” from the publishers that I've had contact with, I've gathered that they don't like the word alright. All right is considered best. "Excuse me sir," Mike said as he approached. you need a comma between me and sir "Stop Ryan. It won't help any," Mike said as he dragged him away. you need a comma between stop and Ryan
"Send me the bill Mike. Let me take care of it."' you need a comma between bill and Mike
"Yes it was." He sat back down in the chair. Her eyes focused on him. "He won't be back Claire.” you need a comma between back and Claire
Now for the content. This was not hard to follow, though it would be even easier if you used paragraph breaks. An extra line between paragraphs, if you see what I mean. That way there's space. It's just easier on the eyes. Another thing that might be good in this is to use some more physical description and other senses. For instance, what sorts of people are in the room when Ryan goes in? What sort of man does her father look like?
You also slip into no one's POV a few times. For instance, when Ryan attacks the father. Rather than just saying a loud crack or a large body came in front of him, use Ryan's name. That way the reader is sticking with Ryan more and he is more of a character.
It might also be a good idea to start off with a name rather than he.
Now for the good stuff. You did an excellent job of describing action. And your emotional quality is good. Especially when Ryan is remembering what happened to him. It's somewhat rough, but I think that it works, because that's how he remembers it. One other thing you might want to look at is your dialogue. Some contractions would make it flow a little more naturally. You also write this with a good air of confidence, as if you are very familiar with the setting and the characters. Even the neighbors seemed to be characterized well. And the joke about the welcome mat was good, because it relieved some of the tension and shows that Claire had still maintained her sense of humor.
I was sucked in right from the start. Thanks so much for sharing this. Let me know if there's anything that I can do to clarify this or if you have any questions. Thanks again. God bless you!
Hey there and welcome! If there's any way that I can make this review clearer or if you have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to ask. I won't bite.
He leaned against the wall outside the comic book store, smoking a cigarette and keeping an eye out for anyone he would know. This seems a little bit awkward. Perhaps for anyone he knew?
He remembers screaming at his father about something, and then screaming for him to stop as the truck plowed into the driver’s side. should be he remembered, because otherwise you shift tenses
How could he tell his mother he was responsible for killing her husband? perhaps after her husband, say his father? That way it seems more personal to him? Stevie Boy felt his stomach churn, felt his face get hot and images of his brother doing his job flicker in front of his eyes. should be flickered
“I’m a cops son,” he said aloud. cops should be cop's
“Bag it all Stevie Boy. all and Stevie should have a comma between them
The sound of gunfire exploded in his ears. He covered
“Calm down Adam. Take a deep breath. Who took her?” comma between down and Adam
Okay, tht was the technical stuff. I don't say this to discourage you. This is really going to take a lot of work. For this story, you should stick with one POV. A lot of the back ground info that you give is not necessary and could easily come out in conversation or through the actions. It was difficult to follow because there was so much that was added in that was not as relavant. I know that Mr. Christian's background is important. But why not have him tell Adam what happened to him?
You need to show more rather than telling. That way the reader is drawn in. A lot of it was hard to read because there was so much information.
Now for the good part. This would make an excellent novel! You've got the whole plot right here. And tht's where your background information would come in. Show the difficulties and everything. You were just trying to cram such a great story into such a small space. You could so easily turn this into a heart rending novel. You've got everything that you need.
I hope that this was not too discouraging. Thank you so much for sharing it. And keep on writing! Let me know if you have any questions. God bless you!
Hey there! If there's anything in this review that is not clear or if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
I send helicopters to accident scenes to get the truly critically injured to someplace where their lives may be saved The point of view character has an excellent voice. He speaks with a great deal of brevity and conciseness. The flow is somewhat interrupted here with the truly critically injured. I would just say critically injured, since most people that the helicopter crew would be called upon to aid would be in critical condition.
Or maybe tell you about the untold many sporting injuries This is another flow observation. Perhaps reverse untold many to many untold sporting injuries.
but we in Flight Comm are trained to handle and respond to each with the greatest efficiency, and the least fret. you don't need the comma after efficiency, I don't believe.
We respond to a Dad whose fallen off his roof while putting up Christmas decorations and we think should be who's since that is the abbreviation for who has or who is. Whose is possessive. It can be a hard thing to remember. The apostrophe between the who and the s reminds me that they are two separate words, so I remember who is.
The neighbor nextdoor who had a seizure nextdoor should be next door.
It's not all glamor glamor should be glamour
I've years of experience in the dispatching field but none with helicopters. I know that in conversation this would not seem odd, but here it seems like you're missing a word. Perhaps I've had years or I've got years, something like that.
I had gone about as far as I could go in my present company, I was in management, good salary and benefits, but very long hours you might want to break this sentence up so that it is not a run on sentence.
I was responsible for the incoming calls and deciding which flight crew was best able to assist each call as it occured. occured should be occurred
seperate should be separate
We kept thinking, these reports are all wrong, someone screwed up, our crew will come up on the radio anytime. you shift tenses here. Our crew would come up on the radio anytime.
Not our pilot, an older southern gentleman who loved his horse, his kids, and his wife with an openess that openes should be openness That is also a very long sentence. You might want to break it up a little bit.
There was only the painfull silence in our ears of an open radio frequency, and a monitor reflecting a "pages failed" message in bright red against a glaring blue background. painfull should just be painful
This is a very well written piece. The only thing that I really have to suggest is that you cut down on some of the run on sentences and passivity. You use a lot of wases and things like that. If you can use more active voice, this will become an even stronger piece.
And why did the helicopter go down? If you said it, I'm afraid that I missed it. It might be good to spend more time on that, rather than everything that the unit did. Now I'm not saying to cut out what all the unit does, just add more to the end so that it's not over so fast.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It touched my heart and reminds me a good deal of my grandfather who was in the air force. His last name was Butler too. It really was a pleasure to read. Thank you again. Keep on writing! God bless you!
A very funny story! That would be so scary and you did an excellent job of building up the tension. There were only a few things that I noticed.
Five feet six inches should be five foot six inches. Grammatically it doesn't sound correct, but everywhere that I've been that's how I've been told it is. So whether that's right or not is up to you, but it would be a good thing to check out.
At Food City we did something that most grocery stores had long since stopped doing you need a comma after At Food City, and also the latter part of the sentence is rather awkward. That is something that seemed to crop up a good bit throughout your writing.
You also shift tenses throughout. Now I know that this is first person humor and that does happen pretty frequently, but to make your writing tighter, you might consider using only one tense.
Other than that, great job! Very funny. I especially loved the headlines. Thanks so much for posting this. Keep on writing! God bless you!
Hey there! I saw your story in the newsletter and thought I'd give you a crit. Remember to take everything I say with a grain of salt and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. I won't bite. :) I promise.
Okay, this is just a minor suggestion. Your first line is I am Cong, the intelligent, Perhaps make this more of a title. For instance, I am Cong the Intelligent.
It also might be a good idea to describe how the cat thinks the cat food tastes. I've never tasted it before, lol, so I can't tell you.
I also think that girl scout is capatalized.
Another thing is that Cong changes his mind very quickly. I think that it might be good for you to show this change of heart. Maybe he sees some of the cats leaving and being loved up or something and he wishes that someone special would come for him. You portray the emotion that he feels when he is taken home very well and his desire to be taken home. I loved the way you had him win the little girl over. That was very sweet.
There are only two other things that I noticed. You never mention the evil spirits until the end. Perhaps bring them up at the beginning when he is captured. I am sure that he would blame them for being caught.
Then last you don't need to say The End. :)
That was excellent. I enjoyed the story so much! And the way you incorporated the Chinese New Year and customs in was great. I love learning about new cultures and this was very enjoyable. I just thought of one thing. Why not have Frank adopted too? He could discover him there. That was the one untied bit that bothered me, because I really liked Frank. :) It could be sweet too.
Anyway, your descriptions were all excellent. And I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing. God bless you!
Congratulations on your grade! That is so wonderful and I can totally relate to that wonderful feeling. It is just absolutely delightful.
Now for my critique. I absolutely LOVE your beginning. It is just great and what a wonderful twist on the common phrase.
This is a spelling error:
Its armor was black-enameled steal, and the black horse it rode upon had black trappings and gear steal should be steel, since I don't believe that he stole the armor ;)
The next paragraph is excellent as well. The way it all flows is great. It has sort of a rhythmic, poetic feel. And your use of vocabulary is excellent as well.
Seconds turn to minutes. this is a tense shift. It should be seconds turned to minutes.
The fight went on, simply ignoring the pressence of the Unicorn and Prince presence is misspelled
The Prince slid from her side, and knelt at the side of the dieing Knight should be dying
Your descriptions truly are excellent. Especially the whole thing with the butterflies and forgotten dreams. I also like the twist with the knight being the princess. I did guess that when you introduced the prince and said he was looking for his princess, but only because my mind has come up with similar stories, lol.
I really am very impressed. It flowed so well and it seemed as if it was a sort of fairy tale or myth. Thanks so much for sharing this. I enjoyed it immenseley. Thanks again. Keep on writing! God bless you!
Oh! I know the song. I don't remember the words, but I loved the tune, and my dad's favorite band growing up was the Beatles. :D I do, however, know the ApologetiX version, Looking in the Sky. Excellent rendition and very humorous.
But you don't want to hear about bands, I'm sure. So here's my critique.
Your beginning is a little weak and there is not as much drama in it. Mainly, it is harder for me to relate to a character who is called he. I may just be funny, but it's more or less just that it would make him a lot more real of a character if his name was at the start. Especially since he is the main character and this is being told from his perspective.
You also use a good deal of passive voice. It would strengthen your story a good deal if you used more active voice. And also, where does this girl step out from? Perhaps say that she is striding towards him with her hands behind her back as the yellow flowers sway beneath her chin? Or something like that.
And perhaps show how Mr. Price is acting as he's getting upset. What's his body gesture, etc. An example of switching to active voice is where you say Lucy was stilling smiling but her eyes seemed troubled. To make that active you would say, Lucy still smiled, but her eyes seemed troubled.
You live in a house, you wake up in the morning, and lead your life or, more appropriately, death. I would suggest that you keep this in his POV. He lived in a house, he woke up in the morning and etc.
Other than that, great job! Especially your dialogue. It seemed very natural, laid back and pleasant. Lucy was an enjoyable character and seemed to have a sense of humor and a bit of mischief about her.
Thanks for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep on writing. God bless you!
Jessica
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God bless you and keep on writing!