Maybe it's just but the way you do the dialogue...not telling the reader what the person on the phone is saying...makes this story a bit more confusing than it should be. Besides that, I didn't really notice anything that needs to be changed. Your story is interesting, and this first part serves as a nice hook, leaving me wanting to read more.
With that said, I conclude my review. Good Luck and Write On!!!
I like this story. You have a lot of detailed descriptions. Although, when they entered the pub I wished you weren't so good with description -laughs-. Besides that your dialogue was also very "real" sounding, so that's good. There were however a few mistakes I noticed.
1. One woman with a little girl by her side crossed the street, the girl only look as if she was only ten years old. She had long light brown hair that fell all the way down her back and reached the back of her legs.
These two sentences are repetitive. In the first sentence you use the word "only" twice. In the second sentence you used the word "back" twice. You wanna be careful of word repetition. Those sentences should be written something like this--
One woman, with a little girl by her side, crossed the street. The girl only looked to be around ten years old. She had long, light brown hair that cascaded down her back caressing her legs. Wow, I amaze myself sometimes.
Anyways, see what I mean about removing the repetition?
2. Some of your sentences were too long. Just because you use a comma, doesn't mean your sentence can be as long as you like. You need to split them into separate sentences. You know, with a period? Or in other cases when your sentences are too long or too wordy you can just cut down on the amount of words you use. This allows the story to flow better, and makes for an easier read. Take this sentence for example--
The daughter just shook her head showing that she understood what her mother was telling her.
A lot of unnecessary words here. It should be simplified into something like this--
The daughter merely nodded her head in assent.
See what I mean? It flows more smoothly that way.
Well, that concludes my review. Please remember, everything I said is merely my own opinion, you the author, ultimately decides what's best for your story. Good Luck and Write on!!!
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