Nice, though I must admit it didn't blow me away. The "Sigh" seemed a bit over-dramatic. Since this sounds like a limerick, you might consider inserting line breaks every two lines. It would make it look a bit more organized.
You seem to be trying to say something. But it's hard to decipher since you're still talking in vague terms. Or rather, you talk specifically about vague things. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. I think you need to take a fresh look at this. Read it as if for the first time, and try to decide your main focus.
Interesting, though a bit confusing at times. I'm not quite sure how the Horror/Scary genre fits in. Shows that some places are best left undiscovered.
Really enjoyed it, my one suggestion for you is organization. Instead of Veronica having a flashback about the time when she realized Scott was a robot, put it at the beginning then jump ahead the 10 years. This would also clear up the confusion I was having at the beginning about what you meant by:
It was so easy to forget that they could harbor no such emotions. Modern science and technology had deemed it necessary to produce robots so human-like, it was becoming a bit hard to distinguish one from the other.
Overall, not a bad story. The biggest issue I notice was your ideas jumped around and there was no transition between situations. Example:
“Good morning, class eight.” The lady replied calmly.
At recess, Fariha decided to go out for a little walk in the field.
One moment it's the beginning of the day, then we skip to recreational, if there was nothing important that went on during class you may as well, have left the "Good morning" part out.
The boy mentioned previously was Fariha’s elder brother, Faisal.
Instead of backtracking in the story try to incorporate Faisal's description into it. Maybe have Fariha reminising about her brother in her head as she watches the game.
Fariha’s birthday was approaching.
My only problem about here is now we're in a completly new setting and time. Since this is where the story takes place from now on it makes everything before it seem insignificant.
CRASH! A shattering sound startled everyone. A tray of drinks had dropped from the housekeeper’s hand. Broken glass lay scattered everywhere.
This particular insident seems out of place. The significance of it doesn't come till later so reading the story for the first time would be confused at this seemingly random information. As well as the lack of reaction to it from the characters.
“Hey buddy, you smell sweet, what perfume is it?”
“Solitaire…”
“Do you like Britney Spears…?”
Obviously you're referring to perfume, however when one hears "solitare" and "Britney Spears" one would first think of the card game and the singer.
“Hey come…let’s dance…”
“Don’t you want to have fun?”
Nazia was forced to dance against her will.
I can't help but wonder if it wouldn't make more sense for Fariha to step in now to defend her friend, instead of waiting till she got hurt. Though I do realize this would throw your story off a lot.
About fifteen minutes later, a sharp, feminine cry shook the place, followed by a roar of laughter. Someone had pushed Nazia down on the floor while she was dancing. A number of glass pieces got into her hands and legs, creating a pool of blood.
It seems a bit strange that the family still has not cleaned up the broken glass from over 15 minutes ago.
You have a lot of great ideas here, you just need a better way to link them together. Hope I helped and I'd love to read this again after you revise it.
Overall, totally wonderful. You described your love as an "electric current" and the feeling was perfectly conveyed through your poetry. There are several suggestions I would like to make.
First, the R&R requests should not be in the body of your static. Not only does this take away from the poetry it looks a bit bad on your part, like the reviews are all you care about. If you really want reviews we have this wonderful In & Out called "Please Review" . Post the poem there.
Second, in some parts it seemed like the rhyming took away from the poem. Or to put it another way: you were thinking more about rhyming words than conveying feelings. Some spots that seemed a bit insincere to me were:
I held you even closer and we embraced in a kiss,
Feeling your moist lips, this was perfect bliss.
And now baby, on our wedding day
Let life lead us as it may.
Finally, there was one phrase at the beginning that didn't really make sense:
When we were apart, no matter how long
When we came back, with you I felt strong.
I'm not sure if this is a case like #2, where you were just looking for a rhyme. Or maybe you liked the similar beginnings. At any rate, the "no matter how long" seemed like an unfinished thought. I'm still not sure what you meant to say by that.
Thhis is a great checklist. I think every writer (poet or not) should read this before sending off there work to a magizine or contest. I would suggest putting some examples in some sections to help explain them better. I was having a bit of a hard time under standing #4 Network Yourself.
Enchanting poem! It gives off a mystical feeling, like nature is alive. There are a few areas I'd like to point out where I think the flow was a bit disrupted:
So goes the great game of life,
no matter, come what may.
All earth's creatures gain, or strife,
must listen to what it says.
I suppose you were thinking of grammer when you put the s on say. I suggest taking it off, it'll sound better and your reader will still understand what you mean.
The last two paragraphs I find have rhythem issues. I can't really find a way to describe it. (Maybe other reviewers have mentioned this.) They just don't seem to have the same feel as the previous verses. I think a big part of it is that you changed your rhyming scheme from, ABAB to ABBA. Also, the random fifth line at the end. I'd suggest rewriting these two verses.
This item made me smile. As a newbie I could definatly relate to NewUser622 (I think we all could). And as the people here are so friendly and helpful, I felt right at home in no time. I love how you portrayed it as a first-day-of-school type theme, yet managed to relate even the clothing to portfolio colors. Great creativity!
This story captivated me. Though the struggle faced by the young couple was extreme, you did a good job by keeping it believable. My only suggestion to you is to develop the characters more. Give the young couple names, and describe there physical appearance at least generally. This absence is especially noticable when you say, "He franticly called her name" and we don't even know what her name is. Other than that, this is a really good story.
This story just doesn't seem to go anywhere, it just left me with a bunch of questions. Like, why was "she" walking on the beach crying? Why is the locket so important? Who is she? Who was her grandmother? How did the locket end up in a bottle on the beach? What was the purpose of the piece of paper?
One thing I did like about your story was the amount of detail you put in. Like when you wrote about the contrast between her red nails and the white sand. I would really like to read this again when you have made some changes.
~Spirit Ashes
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