What an arse! The beginning of the story was funny with how he tried to lie, though they were so blatant. He even blurted out the truth at one point and expected her to forget. But he was a putz and I can't understand why he'd stay so long to draw out the cruelness. Well written, I only noticed two errors. Good job.
He could try to side-tack me all he wanted. Misspelled "sidetrack."
“I told him that I could get into you pants faster than he could seduce one of your twins.” Change "into you" to "into your."
Very interesting. I like how the half houses were mataphors for how things get split in divorce and the custody split of the children. At least that's how it reads to me.
I also liked the end when the split reunited and there was no more emptiness. Good job.
That was a wonderful story. It could have used more description during the war years, maybe about her loneliness and the growth of her son. Just an opinion though.
I'm relieved with the happy ending. I seem to be reading too many sad endings lately. Good job.
The story was good, just a number or writing errors. The ending was very sad. I'm guessing Dever never knew his father and his father's been watching him this whole time. Very good job.
His mother was fixing his little sisters costume. Change "sisters" to "sister's."
"I have to go mom, or i'll be late meeting my friends.I love you mom, bye..." He hugged his mother and turned around facing his little sister.
"Now Lillia, be a good girl, your're four years old now and you can eat more candy than last year... Change "i'll" to "I'll," place a space between "friends.I" Change to "you're four years..."
Wich i might add Dever hadn't usually had when trick or treating with his mom and sister. Change to "Which I might..."
His friend chad pointed toward an old cracked up house...all the lights were still lit. Capitalize "Chad."
The door creeked open slowly and a man peered out of the crack. Misspelled "creaked."
The man said, his eye's looked like they were going to pounce on them and eat them. Dever swallowed his breath and in a sequence all three of the boys said a slim "Trick Or Treat" The man opened the door and held out a bowl. Change to "eyes" and put a period after"Trick or Treat."
"hey, you," The man pointed to Dever. "Whats your name?" Dever gulped and stated his name. "Dever sir..."Dever walked away. He stopped and looked back at the man who was still staring at him wide eye'd. Change to "Hey, you," change to "what's," put a space before "Dever walked..." and change to "eyed."
"Happy halloween, son." The man shut the door slightly...tears in his eye's. Change to "eyes."
"happy halloween, dad."Dever wiped his tears and walked out of the porch way. His back facing the door. This whole paragraph is a little confusing and has some wrong grammar and punctuation. Here's an idea how to write it.
"Happy Halloween, Dad." Dever wiped his tears and walked off the porch, his back facing the door.
Just an idea.
"oh, and son," His father commented,"You never saw me, do not tell anyone. Especially your mother." He looked at Dever and rubbed his eye's. Change to "Oh, and Son," Also, misspelled "eyes."
High action and interesting story. You capture the fear and adrenaline rush very well. You described the surroundings well also.
The only thing that could possibly be improved, is break up your paragraphs a little more. They're a little long. At least the first two are. From what I read though, it was well written and good job.
This was a very good essay. I liked how you covered many different literary accomplishments and explained how each of them can teach us somthing or give us a new look into society and politics as they stand when the piece is written. In fact, it seems easier for people to deigest commentary in fiction form, rather than essays.
The information about fantasy and science fiction was interesting, but looks like it could be a piece on its own. Good job.
This was such a sad and beautiful story. It seems harsh Ardeo couldn't have Devon at first, but at least they were able to be together in the end and for eternity. Wonderful job.
Here they resided for a blissfully halppy three years before he took ill. Misspelled "happy."
That's a wonderful ending to the story. Life won't be perfect and it will be hard, but at least Jonathan really did love Angel. It's amazing how harsh it used to be if a teenager made a mistake. Now it's all too common and not too many seem to care, the other extreme. But a child should never be shunned for a simple judgement error when the consequences aren't deadly. Jonathan realized that was going to take up his share of responsibility. Very well written. Good job.
This sounded like animals on acid at first. Once you explained at the end, it all made sense. It was really funny though. I'm guessing the lion everyone was quiet around was the prima donna, or whatever you call the male version, of the show. Well written and successfully humorous. Good job.
This was very horrific, but well written. You portrayed the emotion of fear very well. First Karin and then Carrie. But will Carrie and her family escape as fortunately as Karin and her family did?
It was horrible what Karin had to go through before her husband stood by her.
Okay, this story just got a whole lot scarier. I'm not kidding when I say this. My son just started crying a different way while I was writing this review. I think it was a bad dream, but I started to believe there were monsters in my son's room for a brief second. Freaky.
That was hilarious! I never heard such a horror of a cross-country trip. It's amazing you all survived. And I don't mean because of the tires, but that your father's sanity remained intact.
I like how you ended it, showing that even almost thirty years later, family trips can still have the same problems. Good job.
I can almost remember my early school days thanks to this poem. It nicely shows how excited young children can be about something so new to them. And how reassuring parents can be for them.
The writing was good, as well as the portrayal of excitement. Great job.
This looks pretty interesting so far. A few things though.
I'm not sure why she isn't talking to her father. Maybe you make it clearer in the rest of the book. Also, the sections where she's just running around taking care of things, swimming, walking, etc. her thoughts don't make up for the dull activity.
I'm really curious about the writer though. Figures you'd stop your excerpt just as Karen is about to meet him. I'll have to look up your book now. Good job overall though.
That was a nice poem. You teased the senses with all the smells around the house at Christmas, but you didn't leave out others. It was kind of PC, but you sent a nice message. Why do we have to only be friendly around the holidays. Why do we only ignore what everyone is labeled as, at this time and not all year long. Good job.
That was wonderful. Okay, I'm guessing I'm not good at grasping poetry, as this is the second poem that seems like it could be better written as a story. But I loved the topic. How often I have driven past old, broken down homes and wondered about the history. The urge to poke through the house and grounds and see if there are any remnants of past tenents and what history any such objects could teach. I'm sorry, I love artifacts. Good job, you really captured the idea.
Great story. First, Jason sounds like a putz. I know he's not a major character, but I just thought that. The whole deal with Andrew and Karen was well written.
You first wrote her as very flighty and indecisive, skipping to Andrew, then to Louis. She wasn't ready for responsibility yet. Also, she couldn't comprehend the wonder and importance of lineage. I like when Andrew says he knows family history, because he was told. It showed how much he really cared, without becoming emotional.
Finally she settled down with the man that was the right choice from the beginning. Good piece of writing.
This pretty much makes sense and is easily understood. You cover all the bases, but I wonder if you could explain Writing ML. If you explain how certain alterations to the text can catch the eye, it might help people make their work more noticable.
Also explain how indenting or spacing paragraphs is a big help. Many readers are turned off by one big jumble of words with no breating spaces. it makes it hard to read and sometimes readers just close the file, rather than fight with it.
Everything else you covered really well though. Good job.
Very sweet. You really do show that there's more to romance than material items. It's the little whispered words or thoughtful actions. Or as my husband reminds me, he's just happy to be home with me. Even if we're doing our own thing, we're sitting together in the same room and shares each other's presence. That's what matters most. Good job.
Really sweet. My son is only 4 months, but I'm starting him on fantasy young. It will be tomorrow night's bedtime story.
The only downside was there was a moral, but not fully explained. Maybe if you told how the knight was changed from black to white. Was he black because he stole, or because the stone was evil?
Interesting. I'm not sure where this story is headed though? Granted it's just a sample. But will it be about Keeta's trials in life? Also, when posting, you might want to space out the paragraphs for easier reading.
The use of the different mythological animals was nice. That was also a twist, the unicorn being subserviant to the wolf. Normally, mythology portrays the unicorn as the noble beast. A good start.
Very good story. I'm not familiar with the culture. I'm guessing Persian or Indian? It's so sad though. Western culture is used to the happy ending these days. Instead, Alexei worked so hard, only to fail in the end. It wasn't even a "beautiful" sad ending, like Saura realizing her love and mourning into the world beyond. Wow, it really threw me for a loop. Again, a really good story.
That was wonderful. Your writing didn't just show a father seeing his son grow up. It also showed a son realizing his father loved him. And it was all "said" in a masculine way, so as not to embarrass the men. Excellent.
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I'll have to look up your book now. Good job overall though.