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Review Requests: ON
1,206 Public Reviews Given
1,235 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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451
451
Review of Muppet Madness  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yes, one of life's great imponderable mysteries - would would happen if...?

Done quite well with a 8-6-8-6 syllable count and abcb rhyming scheme.

Just a few things (because critics gotta critic). The opening stanza does not quite fit the syllable count, and it does feel odd reading it out loud. There are also a couple of forced rhymes (cute-mute, looks-books) which does make for some awkward sounding lines to fit the rhyming words.

But this was, in general, a great poem that brought a smile to this old curmudgeon's face. Nicely done.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
452
452
Review of NSA Recruit  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting little piece of flash. The intricacies of code deciphering are explained quite well, and fit into the story nicely, with the addition of the countdown to having to get it done, so it does not feel bogged down in detail.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and WdC is about helping authors, so:
* A quick explanation of why the 1900 would go at the end would clarify what feels like a random thing.
* There is a fair bit of punctuation that needs work, especially with direct speech. A good functional edit is needed.
* For ease of reading, the block of numbers could possibly be formatted a little different, maybe with spaces every 7 digits or so? Just a suggestion. While it's probably not the way it is done in real life, a reader might be turned off.

That punctuation thing is something you will need to work on. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Anyway, I did enjoy the story.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
453
453
Review of The Party  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Unfortunately, I can say - been there, done that. Mate's place, he was grounded for a month. I helped with the clean-up. Terrible. The smell of vomit would not leave the study for months.

You captured the essence of the out-of-control party very well. Nice start, then flow-back, then escalation.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and in the vein of helping authors:
* You said at the start twelve hours to go, then had the police come at 11, so you need to confirm times.
* The punctuation of direct speech needs a lot of work. An editor looking at that will send it back and tell you to make the corrections.
* There are a few other punctuation issues as well, particularly lack of hyphens.
* Mum's name is not necessary.
* The dog came out of nowhere. Add it into the previous narrative - being scared, having drinks spilt on it, gorging on dropped food, whatever - a couple of times to establish it is there.

That seems negative, but a lot of it is technical. The words used, the way the story was told, all of that is really good and amounts to a decent tale of being a kid.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
454
454
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very good romantic poem. It sets a mood of being unsure before letting yourself go. It has a feeling of surrender to freedom about it as well.

A couple of little things. Now, I read poems out loud to get a better feel for poetry, so that's where some of this comes from.

In the opening stanza, "water" and "underwater" feel wrong being close together. It does not sound right.
Likewise, the repeat of "battle wounds" to "scars from battles" feels out of kilter. I would change the second "battles" to something else, maybe "the past"?
The word "romantic" in the final stanza feels also out of place. It does not quite fit with the tone or language of the rest of the poem.

Of course, my opinion. That's all.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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455
Review of Tanka: Fuel  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice work. The syllable count is spot on, and the idea behind the poem is a good one.

Two things, though, did stand out.

First, "who had used..." cars are whats, not whos. "Which" could be a better choice.

The line "our lives combust the future", though I get what you're saying, feels quite awkward. It just didn't quite get the meaning across. However, in the 7 line restriction, and with the fuel motif, I can't really think of a decent replacement off the top of my head. Sorry.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
456
456
Review of A Christmas Bribe  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice little tale. I liked the bribe aspect to get a first performance - it was how it worked for me, to be honest - and the father's advice was quite good, to focus on him.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and WdC is about helping writers, so with that in mind:
* The dialogue felt unnatural, especially from Devin. It does take the reader out somewhat.
* "A young years of five..." is a very clumsy phrase.
* The constant mention of church play, especially in the opening para, belabours the point a bit too much.
* A few missing pieces of punctuation throughout.
* The ending felt way too convenient. I think, though, it could work if you use it as a framing device. Make this an anecdote told by the character of Devin to some interviewer when he is already a famous whatever, describing his start. That way it would not seem quite so unrealistic.

Sorry if this sounds too negative, but I do think there is the basis here for something really strong.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
457
457
Review of "How are you?"  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this... and can relate.

Look, there is nothing I can say. No forced rhymes, the rhythm/syllable count is spot on, reading it out loud, it rolls off the tongue in a good, sing-song way - one of the best examples of a rhyming poem I;ve read here on WdC. Well done.

May I recommend you look up the Wergle Flomp humour poetry contest for next year? It's free to enter and is world-wide. Judging by previous winners, I think you might have a shot...

Anyway, sorry there is nothing for me to help - this is spot-on the way it is.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
458
458
Review of Elvis  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I liked this. The set-up, the use of lyrics, the "for a moment" section - it all felt so good and had a positive air about it.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, and WdC is about helping authors, and with that in mind:
*I review poetry by reading it out loud. This sort of comedy poetry relies on its rhythm to get the rhyming scheme to work. Reading this one, the rhythm was inconsistent and I lost it many times. The syllable count was all over the place. It does detract from the way it sounds.
*Not sure about the ending stanza, and the drinking line. Just didn't sit too well.

But that's just me. Still a fine piece.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
459
459
Review of Pieces  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is an intriguing concept. I've read similar things of anthropomorphisation of inanimate objects before, but I think you've done a really good job here. I especially like the way we feel the knife's despair at what its life has become.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like and WdC is about helping writers, so, in that vein, some comments. Some might feel like nit-picking, but I really did enjoy this piece.
* 1899 - good opening. "...but yet..." should be either "...but..." or "...and yet..." The word "soon" before "thrust" does not fit. Because it is written in present tense (which I normally dislike a lot, but it works well in this story) it does not fit. "...now..." I think fits better.
* 1927 - Cold tale; well done. Using the phrase "...the tip..." twice so close together feels awkward; maybe "...the point..." the second time?
* 1940 - works really well.
* 1972 - this one was the one that didn't do it for me. The boy is too young to have the strength to thrust a knife - an old knife at that - into flesh. It's hard to do. I think if it was a teenaged girl doing this, it would work better.
* 1999 - this was rather poignant and a fine way to finish the piece.

So, yes, well done. Liked it a lot.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
460
460
Review of The Pigeon  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Cool poem. It is one of the few rhyming poems I have read here at WdC where the rhythm was constant throughout. I read poems out loud to give me an idea of how they roll off the tongue, and yours was really good. I liked the topic, I liked the way you put it forth. Very cool.

Having said that, there were one or two forced rhymes (e.g. "no more than a clown"), and some lines felt awkward to say (e.g. "Oh yeah, just look around."). But these are small things in what was a really fun poem.

Well done!

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
461
461
Review of Meant to Excite  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this poem, a nice job of anthropomorphisation. I didn't get until the end that it was a car (although "inside of me" should have been a huge clue...) and it all feels nicely formed.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC and I really liked this. I would normally list the things I think need work about here, but there is only one detail that sticks out to me.

As a rhyming poem, it lends itself to a steady rhythm so the rhyming scheme works. When I review poetry, I tend to read it out loud, which helps me get a feel for that sense of rhythm. In this poem, there were a few lines that had a few too many syllables to allow that rhythm to be there consistently (and one with not enough syllables). Some tweaking with this and, to my mind, it would be brilliant.

Good luck going forwards!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
462
462
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice bit of memoir. Riding horses is something that is rather exhilarating (although I did spend one summer learning to fall from a horse...) and I think you captured some of the joy you felt on the animals.

The opening paragraph was an excellent set-up for the rest of the tale - the dream of a little girl then made reality.

However, I wanted more of the feelings you had - the sensations, what was going through your mind, the comparison to the dream-ride - to capture some of that exhilaration. About the only time we had a hint of sensations was the saddle sores and bath water.

Technically, the story was very good, but some (not all) of the ellipses felt out of place and would have been better with em-dashes.

So, a good tale, the sort of thing that could easily be sold with the right market. Reader's Digest and the like, some of the magazines for younger readers, memoir magazines... I think they might give this a go.

Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
463
463
Review of Spinning Top  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story. The tale of a memento being the source of a haunting is an old one, yet it is good to see the old tropes used.

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, so, with that in mind:
* The clock "thrummed"? That does not seem right - a long humming sound. If it was that loud, then the clock would be electric and something would be wrong with it. Did not feel right, and so, right from the word go, I was taken out of the story.
* You have some nice turns of phrase in the opening section, but I would avoid the word "ghostly" as giving away something to come.
* Some commas and apostrophes missing.
* The dialogue of the grandmother being split over three paragraphs made it feel like three different (or 2 different) speakers. It would have been fine in one para. Also be careful of verb tense when talking about memories - pluperfect would be best here.
* How did grandma know what it was like when he was 11? That is one long courtship!
* The feelings when the narrator tried to stop the top were very much a "tell"; "show" could have really upped the eeriness.
* The mention of the clock in the ending felt forced and made no sense. The grandfather's ghost thing was sort of implied. Yeah, not keen on the way it was ended.

This sounds negative, but it is not meant to be, as I can see this working as a nice little horror tale. Some word count extension, some judicious editing and a but more show not tell, and you might even be able to sell it. I know I would have been interested in a revised form of this when I was working as an editor.

Good luck going forth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
464
464
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not a bad story with an interesting denouement leading into a fantasy realm. I also liked the way you used his Welsh name, and not the English version we are bombarded with.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and so, with that in mind:
Technically:
*There are a few misused and missing pieces of punctuation.
*There are a number of missing capital letters (especially in direct speech).
*A few words are repeated close to one another, giving the writing an odd feel.
Story-wise:
*The tea-drinking was important, but it felt over-done.
*The cat is called 'Tabby', then was "black". Or is this a different cat? It felt like the same one.

But I did like the idea of awakening an old life, a past life into the present. It almost felt like a prologue, ready for something grander.

Nicely done story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
465
465
Review of Nosedive No More  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
As a tale for children, I think this could work quite well. I was a teacher for many years, and it certainly shows perseverance as a positive attribute, along with helping others and not judging people by their mistakes. All important lessons. It is readable and easy to get through without brow-beating any messages. All great for younger readers.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review works I like, so with that in mind:

* There is a bit of tense jumping at the start. Children's books are nearly always written in past tense as children make better sense of stories as past events.

* There are a lot of places where you change the central point of view mid-sentence, which makes for some awkward sounding passages and double meanings.

* On a presentation point, this is very inconsistent with paragraph separation. Some places it is double spaced, but others - especially where direct speech is involved - is single spaced. And some cases it was triple spaced. That needs to be fixed. Also, there were a few times where separation of speakers within paragraphs was not done. Finally, headings need to stand out more than being centred.

* On a technical level, apart from the direct speech, I think I found maybe 2 misplaced commas, and that was about it. Very well done, and something I do not see often enough at WdC!

* For submission purposes, nearly every publisher wants it done by Shunn. Do a Google search and see how that formatting looks.

Now, reading through this, it seems very negative, and I apologise for that. The thing is, the story is a strong one, the writing is generally very good and the technicalities of writing are also done well, and I think this could work as a book for confident young readers. But before submitting, I would really have an editor give it a good going over; make it as perfect as possible.

Just as a FYI, I have a children's book with Scholastic at the moment, accepted and ready for publication. We are just waiting on the artist to finish the illustrations, but COVID has slowed everything down. Just so you know I am not coming at this as just a former teacher and member of WdC.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
466
466
Review of Depression  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, that was quite the outpouring of emotion! I was not diagnosed until I was 42, but I can still relate to your feelings...

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review things I like, and so, in that vein:
* watch the punctuation use. Some of it is misplaced and changes the meaning.
* there are times when the way you put things forth go against the sentiment you are saying. e.g.:
         And start a new life....I want to be happy.
         I don't want to be sad and miserable anymore.
         Yet, I'm the one that never tried to get better.
The last line blames you when the preceding lines are saying you want to get better and are getting better. The negativity stands out and does not quite fit there.
* Extra words take away from the impact of some sentiments. e.g.:
         And that's why I began self-harming in the first place.
"in the first place" detracts from the strong emotion.

I think a slow and careful go over with some-one who is non-judgemental of you as a person or writer (maybe even some-one who does not really know you) would really help clean this up.

But, like I said, I like it. The honesty is refreshing and the emotions are real; I know this because I felt the same way when I was a teenager.
Really well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
467
467
Review of Saturday  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice juxtaposition of the two situations through the use of poetry. Well put down, and using your English location makes it feel more personal (even if not autobiographical, it just adds to the locale nicely).

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and WdC is about helping others, so, in that vein:
* There definitely felt like a rhyme was being gone for here, but some rhymes felt forced.
* I review poetry by reading it out loud to myself. Because the rhyme demands a rhythm, the syllable count threw me and I struggled to get some parts to sound natural.
* I like the way the lines in the lockdown section are longer with more syllables to them, as this gives a definite feeling of being stuck and the shorter lines in the first part are a good indication of doing.

Of course, it is your work, so feel free to ignore me completely.
Still, nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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468
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
I always enjoy a story with a good twist in the tale/tail. I did not see the ending coming, so you did amazingly well with this one. Bravo!

Now, I only review things I like at WdC, and in the vein of helping another author out, you asked some questions.

First - no, there are not too many descriptions. Just about right, I'd say.

Next - the main character feels a little all over the place. He loves his wife, but is ready to think the worst of her? There needs to be more motivation than that. Angela also feels very two-dimensional. She is a crying stereotype.

Then - the crime is too perfect and too easy. There should be some sort of hurdle to overcome, to make the stakes that little more desperate.

Finally - technically. A few mis-used punctuation and capital letters. This is especially the case in the direct speech. It does need a good, thorough functional edit. There are too many to go through in one review. Sorry.

But the story itself is really well done. You build nicely to the murder, then the final denouement is just a juicy piece of irony. I do enjoy the story as a whole.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
469
469
Review of Childhood obesity  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was an intriguing look at teaching prep and personal reflection in what is an incredibly complex issue.

The way you set out the plan, your referencing, the technical aspect - all was spot on, so well done.

Three things, however.

The first is presentation. There needs to be a separation between sections, the sub-headings should be bolded and a paragraph indent of some sort to separate paragraphs better would also help. As it stands, it is blank text and that does make it hard for the eyes to focus.

Second, I would like to have a more detailed run-down of what you taught, the topics covered, maybe even sub-topics. I wanted to know more, I guess.

Third is a bit more personal. I am a former teacher and worked as a student counsellor for a while. For example, things like better parks for kids do not work because of parental fears. Parents feel safer with their children in home on social media. A lot of childhood obesity can be traced back to parenting, I'm afraid. I no longer have my teaching notes on this so cannot give you the references, but childhood obesity needs to be tackled by addressing parents and grandparents. At least, in my experience. Of course, Australia could be different to your country.

But that is by the by. For what this is, as a piece of writing, it is very well done.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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470
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was not sure what to expect reading this, but it struck a chord in me that I was not prepared for. The situation of the current unrest taken from the point of view of "A white woman" was a take on the situation I was not expecting. Considering what women are also going through in the world and trying to speak up, it comes across as solidarity.

The way you put across your thoughts was very well done. And, yes, I did understand the title: Strange Fruit is one of the most depressing songs every written, the fruit being lynched men hanging from trees, so as to your concerns about the title: I like it.

The thing is, I am a white middle-aged male who lives in Australia - removed by many factors from what is going on - and yet your poem made sense to me and spoke to me in a way that was not demeaning or preachy.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and in the vein of helping another writer:
* The opening stanza "Mam" should technically be "Ma'am". Sorry, picky.
* The rhyming scheme got me. I review poetry by reading it out loud and the rhyming scheme felt a little over the place. It did throw me off my rhythm. On the same note, the syllable count also threw me. I do understand it could be free verse, but the rhymes made that feel uncomfortable for me as well. It was like it was stuck in the middle between a set form and free verse.
* The Marvin Gaye quote at the end felt superfluous. You didn't need it - your thoughts are good enough and you do not need to be supported by some-one else.

So, great piece. Well done. And good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
471
471
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay, I am an Atheist, and thought I'd give this a go. I have also studied the Bible (read it cover to cover more than once), and studied Latin at high school and first year university (many years ago). Your arguments are very well thought out and supported nicely by other Biblical references and by classical language. I think the only logical flaw I found in your argument was mentioning urbs; I think Paul in Rev, was more looking at it as Roma is a feminine name, the name of the city as well as the personification of the city.

On a technical side, your set-out of arguments was clear. The punctuation, grammar and language were pretty much spot-on. I think the only technical things I would look at is you have too much paragraph separation. There are a few places where you split into more than one para where the ideas would work in one. It makes it feel a little disjointed, that's all.

So, coming from one who does not believe, I will say: well done. You have put forth a compelling argument about modesty, and relating it to wealth. Nicely done, and a well thought-out and presented piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
472
472
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting look at the juxtaposition of old medical practices against the new. It really makes it stark in few words.

Technically, I could find no errors. Good job.

Now, WdC is about helping authors, and with that in mind:
* the repetition of "wee hours of this icy morning" is redundant and draws the reader out.
* the jump to the past is only indicated by an extra carriage return; a scene separator, I feel, would work better.
* it feels like the ending is missing. It feels like it needs 'something' to finish it off.

But a good piece. Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
473
473
Review of Crafting you.  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
You asked for some feedback.

For a short poem, it did establish what your intentions are. The ambiguity of just who you are creating is a nice touch.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review things I like, so, with that in mind:
* The opening two lines don't work. Unless you are a mute with no hands (sign language is a legitimate language), you can talk. I'd suggest you pick another art. Draw, sculpt, sing.
* "with layer on layer" read oddly; "layer upon layer" feels better (no "with", "upon" to "on")
* You've mentioned a brush-stroke in the last stanza, calling back to the painting, but have not called back to the building allusion

Still, a nice little poem. Well done.
Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
474
474
Review of Normal  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow. This is a well-written and stunning tale. I am 11 years sober, for what it's worth, so I understand a little, though my childhood was not as bleak.

There is very little I could tell you to improve this. Technically it was pretty much spot on. "I had made several countries..." however does read awkwardly.

What I would have liked would have been some more detail of how other people reacted and responded to you. While I realise this is focusing on you, the harm done to others needs to be acknowledged. And your decision to stop seemed to come out of nowhere. A little more build-up to it and that tipping point of epiphany needs to be there, I feel.

know the point might be something minor, but I think it should be there to give the reader an idea of your mental state.

Still, this is amazingly well done and honest and open. Nice work.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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475
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your intentions are good and really strong, and it is clear you mean what you say about your subjects. That is something to be admired. There is a lot at the start of the poem that can be worked on really well.

Now, WdC is about helping writers, and I only review works I like, so, in that vein:

* Watch praise for Gandhi considering some of the things he did, and the racism he expounded.
* Martin Luther King is not a knight (a sir) - only members of the British Commonwealth can be knights.
* The slave trade is not "off", not even in the USA - it has been lessened and it is no longer legal.
Okay, getting away from the facts...
* The rhythm was a little inconsistent at the end. The start had a great, powerful sense of tone with the long lines; the ending felt like it petered off a little.
* "pierced to" should be "pierced by"
* "the brutal forces were all ganged up" does not need "were" - that makes it passive, as though they were gathered by external forces

Look, this seems quite negative, and I don't mean for it to be like that. Like I said, I only review things I like and this has the beginnings of something that would make an incredibly powerful performance poem, like a Kate Tempest styled poem. But you do need to fact-check and the poem things I mentioned are just my opinion as a fellow writer.

Well done and keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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