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Review Requests: ON
1,205 Public Reviews Given
1,234 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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Review of Cinquain  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Not much to say, but I do like the meta-style of the poem (a poem about the form of the poem itself) and like the way you have put it together.

I can offer no advice or anything else, just want to say this is great.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting tale. There were some nice descriptions here and the concept behind it was intriguing, even if the science was a little dubious (speed of travel, considering that plants do not evolve and could not be intelligent, etc.).

The language of the piece felt more designed for a younger audience, and the way the story was written could also fit in that middle-grade area. Good sci-fi stories for middle-graders are rare, and there are markets for them out there.

I think my only suggestions would be to describe the scenery a little more, to really set the scene. And the opening sentence seems to indicate that only the narrator and Emily were excited. We have their names later on in the section, and so I would indicate that "everyone" was excited, the whole ship buzzing wsith anticipation.

I did like the idea of a mist stopping animals from living but the plants being essentially untouched. You did mention they were fast growing, but that would not help if the mist killed them as well. Also, the scientists did not check the waters for life?

Technically, this was really strong. It worked well as a first person narrative, butt I would have used that to explore more of the sensations - tastes, physical sensations, sounds, etc. What would an animal-less world sound like? How would that seem to her?

So, with the lack of science and the language used, this is a strong piece for a middle-grade market.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.0)
I've read this on and off over the past few days a few times. So something draws me to it.

Technically, it's fine. Very few mistakes, so kudos there.

But the opening two paragraphs do not grab the reader. It feels like they are telling the reader that this is not going to be worth their time. There is something almost condescending about the tone.

Your arguments also feel disjointed. Saying God is the greatest rival to science does not make sense, considering how many scientists (especially in the USA) identify as religious. Wilful ignorance is the greatest rival to science. The arguments really do not make sense in the other category, either.

Look, there is something here that has kept me coming back to it, so it certainly made me think and made me want to re-read it. That is a positive. But it really feels like it says nothing of substance in the end, wwhereas there is a basis here for it to be so much more.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting story. There is something about a tale where the monsters win that always gets me (in a good way). The concept was also unique, another thing that I really liked.

Apart from needing a good edit (some misplaced capitals, commas, etc. and one sentence that didn't make sense in this context: "The door was cracked and his back to him when he mumbled."), the biggest issue I had with this was that it was a lot of tell and not show. What could have been a genuinely creepy tale just comes across as a campfire story, told quickly. Let us know what Amelia is feeling physically, what she can smell, taste, feel, the sensations that run through her, what she hears. Up the creepiness factor by showing us the way the atmosphere does not feel right, what happens when she's near the child, all that sort of thing. This could be something truly horrifying or unnerving just by upping the anticipation.

So this is good, but could be amazing.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of The Necklace  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's a shame this was written under the auspices of flash fiction, because this could easily be spun out to a longer, more involved piece of work, similar to the sort of story used in an Amicus portmanteau film.

As a story, I don't think I would have had the cashier be one of the fae, but a messenger. There is something about the cashier being there that feels wrong, considering the necklace must have been in the window for so long. But that is a personal thing.

Considering the limitations of flash, the tell instead of show is understandable. However, there are a number of missing commas, especially at the start of the story.

For example: Annie held the necklace in her hand; it was heavy, as she knew it would be. There it was in the window, surrounded by the second hand store’s usual junk. She was surprised someone hadn’t snapped it up already.

But apart from that, an interesting tale with an ending that I liked.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by s
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Nice little slice of life here. I can see what you were going for and, it's getting there.

One major issue - you keep shifting PoV. First person to 3rd to 1st to 3rd... it's all over the place and I had to read it twice to make sure there was not a third person involved beyond Mel and Joelly. Really distracting and it does detract from the story.

I also feel the story is lacking introspection. If you are in 1st person or limited 3rd person PoV, we need to know more about what is going on with Mel. Not what they are thinking, but what their body is going through, the physical sensations, what they can smell, hear, taste, feel. Let us know Mel without telling us.

Oh, and one bit of punctuation that is considered "advanced":
         ...s this," Mel waved his hands at the mess he had made, "Ok...
should technically be:
         :...s this" -- Mel waved his hands at the mess he had made -- "ok...

With some work on the person and the MC, this could be a really strong piece.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of Song of the Vamp  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this story for two of its elements. First, the woman being the aggressor in wanting to be a vampire; second, the ending. And I did like that you didn't go into detail about what happened to Ava, but gave a strong hint.

There is a definite Weird Tales vibe about it. And, technically, it is really strong. There have been a couple of anthologies where this would have slotted in nicely.

I think I have only minor issues with the tale, and they are small. The jab of a hypodermic feels very different from teeth breaking the skin. And you head-hopped from Penelope at the start to Count Yorgi halfway through the opening section.

That's about it. Well done on a fine dark tale.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Reading the author's note helped me with this. This is a form I have not seen before. I found it a little hard to say out loud with the rhythm, but the whole thing (especially being based on pi) has me intrigued.

The poem itself was an interesting look at the birth of (I'm guessing) a dragon and the fear this engenders.

This was a different poem and a different way of doing things and I am fascinated by all its aspects. Really nicely done.


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Review of George Forsyth  
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.5)
Well...

The idea behind this is really good - that actors and characters in films are people and deserve to be recalled as such. And the conversation felt almost natural.

But...

There are a few spelling errors. Not a huge amount, but enough to be noticable, including in your description (the term is "starstruck").

The biggest issue, though, is the lack of punctuation and the sentences not making complete sense. Your paragraphing actually seems fine (only a couple of errors), so you understand structure, but the lack of or misuse of punctuation is huge. There are too many to list. However, here is one example:
Can I help you ?George Forsyth said as he sat in his chair.I love your westerns.

Try:
"Can I help you?" George Forsyth asked as he sat in his chair.
"I love your Westerns."

Direct speech quotation marks, question mark with the last word, 'asked' instead of 'said' (though your mileage may vary on this one), new paragraph for the new speaker.

This needs a really thorough edit.

So, you have a strong idea, you can put it forth well, but without the basics of writing, it is going to be hard to get people interested.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A story that so many if us parents can relate to. You've done a good job of painting a picture of the family, and there is an ending I did sort of see coming, but that works.

This is told in present tense. it does nott work. Present tense demands an immediacy of action. This takes place over the course of a few weeks. There are a lot of times when punctuation was misused. Clauses were written as sentence fragments especially.

And some things did not make sense: e.g. “You maybe,” answers me. “But not me.”

There is also a lot of tell instead of show, especially at the end. You show us Grace and Warren are getting frustrated, great, but everything from the mention off an older sister is tell.

This could be a strong piece of fammily drama, but it needs a good edit and I would recommend moving away from present tense. Very few editors/publishers I've worked with like it, and readers generally get frustrated with it as well.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this. An interesting look at the "Stages of..." model, applied to WdC.

Technically, this was really good (there is an outlying " after DEPRESSION... should there be another at the start?), and was written and presented in an easy-to-read format.

I wouldn't change anything with this. Just, well done for a fine bit of comedy, and not taking what happens here so seriously.


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Review of Bygone birthday  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm guessing this is for a "No Dialogue" contest, in which case, you have done well putting forth a decent birthday with an unfortunate ending. It was a pleasant little vignette - not really a story - and cruised along ncely.

My biggest issue is your constant use of the pluperfect tense. The "He'd" that keeps coming up indicates that the action mentioned comes before that already mentioned, which does not make sense in a lot of cases. This did make parts of the story confusing.

There was also a lot of tell (instead of show), but I am not sure of your word count limits, so I guess that could be explained.

However, a good no dialogue tale.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of I Quit!  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
While you said it is about the Reaper's resignation... I felt the same way when I quit working in retail.

You kept the rhythm (syllable count, long-short sounds) up well, and the rhyming scheme was on point, so excellent work there. i do not see that often enough here.

My two points are "ommission" should be "omission" and "recieving" should be "receiving" - just spelling errors.

So, I liked this, you've captured the worker at the end of their tether well, nicely done.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of A MAN A BOY  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Having recently spent time with my kids who are teenagers now, they asked me all sorts of questions about what they were like as a kids, and this poem brings a lot of that out, especially with my son.

The topic and the imagery are really well done.

Now, I read poetry out loud to get a rhythm for it. In this poem, the syllable counts vary. While toy maintain the aabb ccdd eeff etc. rhyming scheme well, with that lack of constant rhythm it does not roll off the tongue easily. To explain - the opening stanza went 7-7-7-8, while the closing had become 5-6-5-5.

That was my only issue with it. Everything else was well done and it's a sweet poem for a loved child.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of It’s not real  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting tale, almost a morality story.

This could have been tightened a little, I feel. The italicised line in the first section didn't need to be thrre, as you mention the car crash some lines on. And the whole seeing Death at the end should have been couched in the drug images of the party.

The party scene was well constructed, taking the drug-images and using them well.

Technically, paragraph separation needed to be more consistent, and there was a sentence starting with lower case. Odd to pick on, I know, but it stood out, as the rest was really clean.

Still, I enjoyed the story.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Birthday Candles  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very nice story, building up and up. This worked really well as a flash fiction, with no extraneous explanation, adding to the creepiness of the piece.

Technically, I could find no errors. So, well done.

The only issue is the boy's response feels muted. At the end, when it's just him and he's singing to himself, that's good, but before then, it just feels like he's acepting it without anything telling him this was wrong. The horror of realisation could have amped the terror of the piece.

Still, good story.

Good luck going forward!


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Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Didn't see that ending coming. Nicely done.

You utilised the flash fiction format really well here. The introduction of the fear, the build-up of the fact that this is well-known, then the final denouement with the husband. The only issue I had was the husband's final action seemed to come out of nowhere, compared to how he was portrayed in the rest of the story. There were not even any hints that he was murderous, just that he was a little frustrated.

Technically, this was very clean, and you told a great tale in a small amount of words.

Good luck going forward!


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Review of A Remote Chance  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting story. It read like one of the tales from the old EC comics or early Twilight Zone episodes.

Technically, this was great. No mistakes - a rarity at WdC, that's for sure! - and everything flowed nicely.

I think my only issues with the tale were that it lacked a sense of terror until the end, and when he used the remote deliberately, he jumped to the conclusion it operated the world very quickly. A man who liked to be in control and with the sort of arrangements of remotes he had I don't think would have leapt to such a conclusion so fast.

But that's about all I have a quibble with. This was a really strong story and a unique look at the "haunted" sub-genre.


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Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting story. The idea of a painting coming to life and the dead getting rid of it, then coming back to reclaim it is an interesting one.

Technically, some lapses in punctuating sentence beginnings were all I saw. I won't call them errors because you knew what you were doing elsewhere; editing lapses is all.

I think the only thing that thhis storey lacked was a sense of terror. It felt a little muted in tone.

But there is still something unnerving about a painting coming to life like that.

Nice job.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting poem, with a strong feeling throughout, one verging on anger. It is something that I am sure people in that situation could relate to.

Now, as a piece. Some mis-used words (line 5, "you"; line 9, "sit"; line 11, "fraze"; etc.) stand out, but the thing that drew me out of the poem were the reptitions. While I understand you want to emphasise the sentiment, the repetition makes it feel like it's just words at times, without the empathetic emotional sense a poem like this cries out for.

However, like I said, you have put forth a good poem that has something worth saying.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Billy's New Car  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
An interesting tale of AI anthropomorphisation. The familiar and lure of the old and comfortable put into words.

Technically, I didn't find anything wrong.

As for the story, my only issue is that we are told a lot about how Billy is feeling, whereas some of his actions felt muted, especially when he was in 'Sadie'. He has these memories, but they don't feel like they affect him. I think some more description of his physical sensations would help make Billy more fleshed out.

Oh, and the name 'Billy' to me feels like a child. But that's me.

Still, a very good story, and the dystopian sci-fi setting was worked well into it without over-riding and dominating the tale. Nice use of the genre.

Good luck going forward.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm not sure of this is a complete story or an outline. I'll take it as a story and go from there.

The idea behind it is interesting, and the humour is clearly aimed at a teenaged level, and I think the general story idea would interest people in that age group.

Now, technically, there are too many errors to go through. Punctuation is missing everywhere, especially in direct speech, and there are mis-used capital letters all over the place. this needs a huge amount of editing. However, the spelling was strong.

As to the story, it is all tell. There is no show. You just tell us the things that are happening. Use your show, your descriptions, etc. to engage the reader and heighten the humour. What you've done is taken the old joke "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side" and written it as "There's a chicken, there's a road. The chicken crosses it. It's on the other side." Use the language to heighten the humour.

Sorry to be harsh, but I do think there is something here worth working on, to make better and that could be fun for a specific age group.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a lovely little anecdote, and is the sort of thing that could easily find a home somewhere.

Technically, it was close to perfect. I could see nothing wrong.

The only thing it was lacking, i think, was more of your feelings and thoughts. Not just emotions, but physical sensations. I think this could intensify the way you were feeling and give the reader a true sense of where you were at the time you made the call.

I realise you said, "I do not have words to describe...", and for that section, that's fine, but let us know how you were before you made the call. Making a call like that can be seen as desperation - make us feel that emotion.

In my opinion.

Anyway, again, good little anecdote.


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Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice little piece of flash fiction. Coming from a different perspective is always an interesting way to go about things.

Technically, there were a couple of minor issues – should be semi-colon before “nonetheless”, paws of “it”, not “its”, “abrupting” is not a word… little things. Oh, and for WdC, separating your paragraphs a little more clearly makes it easier to read.

The story itself is well-done, but there is no sense of terror or danger – you are telling us what is happening. Show is. You’ve anthropomorphised the yarn, so give us some feelings. It’s just lacking some of those details to take it to the next level.

But there is definitely something here worth working on.

Good luck going forward.


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Review of The Doll  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow.

I have very little to say here. This was intensely written and quite harrowing. You captured the world well, and the sense of desperation and hope being lost was built up well.

My only very minor quibble would be to separate the sections a little more obviously. Apart from that, this was stunning.

One of the finest things I've read on WdC.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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