I'm sure I've seen this scene many times,back in my tender years at the old-flea-pit cinema on Saturday mornings. Whatever. TomVee brings them to delicious light again. I could almost smell the smoke - sweat, cigars and pistols, just as my imagination allowed all those years ago. Well done!
Genealogy can be extremely interesting to many folks and great care must be taken not to interfere with the facts as one unearths them.
The corollary, tho' is that unless it it not to be merely a list of names and dates, some context can be reallyinteresting.
I would have like to know from where the old folks emanated (or immigrated, I guess.) That would have added great color to your piece. Or, indeed, what did these men do (we all know what women did back then - broke their backs in hard work at home, raising X children, from early marriage to, often, early death.)
It may well be that you were unable to get down to this sort of detail but it is a shame - you have worked so hard. As it stands, this is for the family only; it would take controlled imagination to bring these old people to life again.
A while ago, someone 'did' my family and sent to me, unsolicited, the result of their research. For example, In 1235 one of my ancestors signed over to King Henry a "Quit Claim" on a piece of property in Somerset, UK. This is just one juicy item the researcher found - there is plenty more, so you can see how it grabbed me.
That's the phrase I was after "grabbed". A writer has to grab the reader and never let them go.
Without reference to previous chapters, I could have sworn this was set in inner west Sydney, Australia. Upon reflection, I realize that the two locations have similarities - and not only in the speech patterns of its denizens.
This is a fast-moving and engaging shoot-em-up with believable dialogue and good characterization. OK James Lee Burke or Lee Child it ain't but the menace is there all right and made real. However, I think you have badly let yourself down in the formatting, etc. Making things difficult to read is a sure way to lose your audience.
For what it's worth, I usually run my work work through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there.
Only in the USA! And that's where celebrities are celebrities merely for being celebrities and many lesser lights try to get in on the action because any publicity is good publicity.
I'm sorry you have to be subjected to this aural abuse but consider: it probably comes from persons who are themselves exploited. Exploited by the very people who should be showing consideration for the masses.
And we all know whom I'm talking about - the religious gurus witha dodgy backgrounds, mishandling both church funds and church women. They're the people you should be targeting, not the poor schmucks on the train who merely think they are carrying out the Lord's (thinks: which Lord?) work.
A good piece because it made me think. And because I live in a country that, even with all its freedoms, does not suffer the annoyances that you describe so well.
All good stuff! But haven't you already posted this back in September on Biotechnology Forums? It doesn't really matter - you have a very different readership here.
I think the main point you're aiming at (but I'm probably wrong) is that not sufficient numbers of undergraduates are opting for the "hard" courses. Overwhelmingly in our university, graduate students in the sciences now shooting for a PhD are from Asia.
And good luck to them! I wish, though, that more would opt to stay and become citizens. Western society appears to be in dire need of this sort of enthusiasm and expertise. And the willingness to make the gray cells work hard.
That's enough of my little rant.
I enjoyed the piece (hope it was all your own work) and learned quite a lot on the way.
I always run run my stuff through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there.
1979? Was this the precursor of all those tedious vampire books & movies? Young people are across that sort of behavior nowadays.
It's a good story, though. Fast-moving and to the point. I have to say that if I were Billy, I would have legged it as soon a he espied the change in Tracy just after they entered the cemetery. Still, sometimes a boy's actions are not necessarily ruled by his brain; far (literally) from it.
A personal dislike is of the word 'nice'. Globally overused and underperforming. There are many more colorful adjectives at your disposal.
I always run my stuff through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there.
Nice essay, well-written, on escaping from the urban melee. But don't get too smug - the years will flash by (happy & fulfilled, of course) and then you'll be like us - selling up and moving back to the big city, where most everything is in walking distance. A big house and garden are great but when the kids depart (and if you've brought them up to be self-confident, they'll be off ASAP and a good thing, too), ease of movement and a little sophistication are just rewards.
You're absolutely correct - you've found your current dream place and you're enjoying it.
Don't worry about the change in tense - you move from the past to the present with convincing ease.
This piece reminds me of the style of Australian aboriginal people's "Dreaming". Here I assume you are indeed discussing aboriginality as a marker for your meditations.
If so, it adds strength to the well-held view that, way before the Flood (fig), Gaia determined that all he people were as one. I wonder, though, if things were as good as true believers would hav it?
A very nice recapitulation of Ovid's story, seen from Icarus' point of view. The old cliche "but we all know the higher you go the colder it gets" is for ignorant pedants and has no place here. This story, overwhelmingly is about hubris getting the better of humility and those old Greek gods weren't slow on taking revenge.
I note you're published this piece in pollits_word, too, so you should get some comment.
May I respectfully suggest you edit this to add another option "Other comments" and a box in which respondents could say their piece. Many people I know don't make a thing of this aspect of life (for with everything stripped away, so to speak, that's just what it is.). While homosexuality might not be for them, they believe a country where (relative) freedom reigns should have cleared this hurdle on the way to true civilisation many years ago.
Best,
Dwina
ps. wish they hadn't hijacked that lovely old English term, though.
To say this is an off-the-planet story would be damning it with faint praise (and probably inaccurate, to boot.) Me, I loved every minute.
All stories have a moral and yours appears twofold: (1) you can't choose your forebears); and (2) you need to be very careful whom you choose as a girl/boy friend.
I'd like to meet Grandad at the Craps table - I'll bet he could roll dem bones!
An exciting start to what could be an enthralling book. A bit of backstory would have helped this reader.
For example, we know cops aren't necessarily the sharpest knives in the drawer but would these two have bearded in his den - together - such an unstable man? And what about the girl - no missing persons? Or is that why they went in the first place?
Mystery is great but I reckon you have to cut at least a couple of steps in the cliff of your plot to let your reader on their way up to the top.
This is not serious criticism and can easily be rectified if you so desire. I think you should because, with a couple of exceptions, you have the dialogue down well and your characters are all too believable.
I didn't like "She looked about ten, and like Harper, was naked except for her underwear". "Naked", curiously, seemed disrespectful of the little girl. Me, I would have said something like "they both appeared to be wearing only underwear". But that's a personal choice: it's your story.
"ok". I checked with a couple of up-to-date crime books - DeMille, James Lee Burke, etc (and yes, when I read these writers I want to give up!) and they use "OK" in caps, which I think looks better.
But these are tiny quibbles. Keep on and get better!
An almost incomprehensible but intriguing chapter of what should be filed under "Comedy" rather than "Erotica". Incomprehensible because the plotting is completely, to this reader, well, incomprehensible. Intriguing because what the Hell can a full-grown (I assume) unicorn do to pleasure a six-inch man. Or was that "six-inch" a euphemism? Or is it because unicorns are not, as in don't exist, never did?
See, I can't get a handle on it. Call it "Comedy" and you can get away with murder, so to speak, but if you're essaying "Erotica" your readers will be on the lookout for something spicy, not merely weird. But perhaps either we should know that already from previous postings. Or maybe it comes in Chapter 5
I thought the dialogue good, even if I couldn't really make out who was doing what to whom. But, again, in comedy, that don't matter and this piece is a fertile field in which to insert real jokes.
You might try running your work through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, where necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there.
A story complete of itself, beginning, middle and end. And lessons for all readers:
1. Don't take your wife on hunting trips.
2. If you do, don't leave her alone within shotgun range.
2. Try to teach your kid something better than killing wild animals for sport alone.
4. Dump the 2nd ASAP (an almost impossible task, I know, given the political strength of the NRA.)
Also, a couple of queries:
- "Once we dropped got into the woods we dropped my wife off at her spot. We told her good luck and left for our spot. Soon after we dropped her off we got to her spot"...you mean "our" spot?
- "a little spike" What is this?
You might try running your work through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs (of which you have too few) there, too.
A simple tale that turns out to be a bit mysterious. This reader was unable to visualize the loved one. I tried a girl - but at what age? A woman - surely not on a tyre swing! Oh God, the writer's not talking about a dead child, surely. Please not that.
Then I read it again and was relieved. Everything seemed normal. Sad, but normal. Which is OK by me.
So, intriguing. They say a short story should be complete of itself. Well, to me, this was and it wasn't. I really wanted to know the backstory so, congratulations, Coffeebean, you have succeeded in what I assume you set out to do.
An inconsequential little cautionary tale! I sure hope the ingredients of the "get-my-own-back" Devil's Food Cake did not include anything connected to Buster. I have my suspicions though, and I fear the image will stay with me for some time.
I like the setting: it appears you know your way around a TV set and perhaps you have devilled (pun not intended) for a prima Donna such as Martha (I suppose you had to call her "Martha"? Sailing a bit close to the wind in my opinion.)
The layout - basic one-sentence paragraphs make for a good fast read.
A tale that is sincere despite stretching the reader's credulity.
For me the main problem was setting. Where are they suppose to be? A WWII POW camp run by the Germans? Why did the father want the American killed? If there was a reason, how was the American "innocent"? Presumably your main character was in the Hitler Youth. As such, he would have had little compunction in being an executioner. After all, his father had given the order and orders are to be obeyed, nicht? And what was all that about an American medical facility? In a POW camp? See what I mean? Stretching it all a bit, I'm afraid.
Now having said all that, I'm sure, if you wanted to, you could offer reasonable, even rational answers to all the points above. Problem is, they're not there in the story. Sure, a little mystery is a good thing but lack of logic will put many off. A reader needs at least a few clues as to exactly what's going on, otherwise he will give up and turn to something else.
Your paragraphs need separating: formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. Check your spelling, too.
There's a good story in there somewhere; it just needs the light of day to shine upon it!
Not a 5 rating because no-one's perfect but by God that was an attractive little comic story, underpinned by a beautiful pathos. Right at the beginning you signaled this and you kept it up to the very end. How much did I enjoy it? A big lot.
A few tiny syntactical question marks and for me an annoying choice of paragraph breaks. But, hey, it's your story.
I always run my stuff through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there.
for what it's worth, for me this has been the most rewarding 2012 reading on this site. Plus I learned about music. I think.
Best,
Dwina
ps I noticed you wisely kept away from the gross physical manifestations of a healthy young man's first crush. With the erection that your hero must have been sporting, I would have thought the two of them would have had trouble getting near enough to each other to kiss. But that has nothing to do with my critique.
Of course there is nothing to be scared of once you've done away with importuning parent(s)!
Lovely story and great build-up although the moment Mum entered the house I felt it would all end in tears. Not a cliche, perhaps, but maybe a bit derivative.
Good strong writing describes the psychosis (is that the correct term?) very directly.
All I could find was "scrapped" for "scraped". At first I thought 'just a typo' but later you repeated it so, a spelling glitch.
"...peak of insanity"? "Depth" would have been more usual but then you would have had to fix the actions of the mob that followed.
"commitment"? Have you got the right word there?
"fixated" is only a posh way of saying "fixed', so don't bother, I reckon. That is, unless you're introducing another psychological angle there.
I hope you get better soon (just joking, honestly.)
As an Australian, I have had, thank goodness, very little contact with snow, ice or fathomless holes in same. Your little tale scared the pants off me (is one allowed to use that phrase nowadays?) No way - no way - would you get me within a polar bear's growl of that sort of thing.
Course, when I was young and beautiful and there was no such thing as death I underwent the Winter Survival School for aircrew at Bad Kohlgrub in Bavaria. You know, the sort of place where they give skis to people who have never before seen snow, then take them to the top of the mountain for training. This comprised "Away you go! Any problems, fall over". It was, in fact, truly a case of "Holy s***!" as we took off. With that sort of training you learn fast or not at all.
So you can understand the effect your piece had on me. Lots!
I found this to be an engaging, if a little other-worldly, take on the standard young man's sex dream. In fact, the Asian setting is probably the most interesting for readers on this site.
You might try running your work through MS Word’s “Review” function (Spelling & Grammar.) You don’t have to accept all the suggestions it brings up but it will tidy both syntax and spelling, where and if necessary. Also, formatting can be sorted out by looking at the options below the box in Writing.Com, where you entered your piece. It’s pretty easy to fix paragraphs etc. there. Don't forget that no matter how intrinsically interesting the content, your audience will be put off very quickly if the writing is ill-informed.
You could go through this chapter again and try to make it look good.
At first look this appears to be the start of a very convoluted and dark story. At present this reader is not at all at ease; just the opposite, which is perhaps the effect for which you are striving. I really don't know where you're going and will eagerly read the next chapter.
Formatting: it seems that this might, just might, be an effort to write blank verse. I haven't taken it as such. I think that your formatting has gone adrift and suggest you run your stuff through MS Word "Review" function (Spelling and Grammar) which will pick up typos, too. Plus you could have a look at Writing.Com's useful software, located below the box where you place your story.
My measurement of a short story is whether or not it is obvious how it will finish. After a couple of lines of your piece I knew. Nevertheless, I read on until the end and the last paragraph made me realize I'd been hooked. Congratulations!
Lovely little piece, slightly marred by some uncertain paragraph spacing ( a centred *** in the relevant places would have helped the reader.) Also, try running your work through MS Word's "Review" function (Spelling and Grammar.) You don't have to accept all the suggestions but it usually picks up spelling glitches and any awkwardness in syntax.
A nice little story that rather fell to pieces in the last paragraph. No real problems with the writing. A couple of things jarred: "so pure and vitriol" - I assume it was a typo and you meant "vitriolic" although even then the two adjectives do fight for precedence; I don't think "indiscriminate" is the word you're looking for; "Thusly" - the adverb is "thus". Again, probably a typo.
You have your tenses a little mixed up, too.
I have to say, anyone who can manipulate a hand-held recorder (presumably in his coat or trouser pocket) to change your statement in the fashion described deserves to be an "upcoming hero Commissioner"! Also note that you never once said "detonated", only "detonate". Nor did you utter the word "did", just "didn't". This (sort of) continuity problem is leapt upon by the average reader on this site (believe me, I know.)
I assume that " Getty Stock Images" means a photo that can be bought from an agency. Is that right? If so, no problem. If it is more complicated that that, your reader deserves to be told what you're talking about.
Suggest you put your stuff through MS Word's "Review" function (Spelling & Grammar) and also take advantage of Writing.Com's friendly software to reorganise your paragraphs.
Finally, a better ending and I would have been with you all the way.
Regards,
Dwina
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