This reads like a dream - literally like a dream. Perhaps it was? In which case, the few syntax errors and a little awkwardness is to be expected. You could always run your stuff through MS Word's 'Review' (Spelling and Grammar) function before you post. It's a helpful indicator of where you might be straying away from the good written work to which of course we all aspire.
I enjoyed yur piece a lot; the imagery it brought was powerful enough for me to read to the end.
Suggest you recast: "now every note I hit is filled with a stony silence". I don't think that's logical (as if dreams are!) And, "[H]is lips are crushed velvet" brings on a slight revulsion. Perhaps you were referring only to color but it reads as though you are describing the texture of his lips (if you see what I mean.)
Loved it! But haven't I already seen it at a multiplex? Maybe with one H. Bogart at the bar? Perhaps not. But, far more sinister, do you have inside information that is privy to the very few?
In other words, is this a forecast or straight fiction? The stage directions seem very good to an amateur and this is the first time I've enjoyed reading a piece that is formatted centrally (which I presume is normal for such scripts and directions.)
As it is set in the Past Simple, I wonder if TV stations would even have been on line?
See, you've sucked me in!
Well done, and I look forward to some plot development.
Hi, Spooky, what an interesting concept. Would have been great as the start of an interactive; perhaps you should consider that.
Otherwise, a bit undermined by spelling and syntax. Recommend you use Word' 'Review' function (Spelling and Grammar) to sort out your piece and get some paragraphs organised..
In a month or so you'll be out of date, mate because we'll all be drooling over 4K. Let's face it, IT hardware is like a new car - the moment it leaves the vendor's establishment it is (1) old-fashioned and (2) slow and clunky. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration but you know what I mean.
Seriously, if at least 80% of the Writing.Com community doesn't relate to your heartfelt cry, there will be a lot of denial out there.
Me? I've just finished (re)installing a network printer. Two hours of no success and then I kinda lost it and entered the most illogical fix you can imagine. And you know what? Of course you do - that was a rhetorical question. (But will it work tomorrow?, he asks himself.)
I thoroughly enjoyed your very modern verse and wish you well.
I enjoyed this. I like shaped prose, well done. So, a nice set of words; sincere; to the point and very, very American.
Wanna know how to stop 65,000 gun deaths a year in the States? Dump the Second. But you know, I know, even Barack Obama knows that the gun lobby is uber-powerful and we all have to pray at the altar of 'self-defence'.
Thus Americans will have to accept yet more years of campus massacres, random shootings and the good feeling some get poor souls enjoy by having collections of up to 20 firearms, many of them military artifacts that never should be let out of the compound.
And although it seems the US, for its own reasons, will continue as policeman to the world, let us hope that this does not include neutron bombs. We shouldn't be afraid of Islam but face it on our terms and attempt to put out the fires in the Middle East, not stoke them..
As China is already showing, a little freedom goes a long way. All Chinese are entrepreneurs in one way or another; that's why the Chinese government is so afraid of nationalism (as opposed to Communism.)
My understanding of the 2nd is that guns are for protection. The glaring problem there is that if the baddies know the goodies have guns, they get guns in advance of their exploit. Soon most everyone has guns. Sometimes 5, 10 ,15 of 'em (all locked away of course, and far from the ammo - yeah, right)
When the Second will come into real effect is when China invades the US. Then all Americans with guns (or even fifteen guns) can attempt to defend the Home of the Free. Problem is, most American casualties may well come from friendly fire because whatever the average gun-owner is in the States, he sure ain't disciplined.
See, all that arose from reading your piece. Therefore, in my opinion, it is well-writtten, has a subject that will never go out of fashion and, most importantly, take up a position in the argument.
I can never see the Second being repealed but Americans might have to go through some pretty traumatic circumstances as a result.
This is an exemplary tale of two soldiers, quite obviously told with lots of love and probably to be archived as family history. Nothing wrong in that!
There's not much wrong with the syntax, either, tho' you might run it past MS Word's 'Review' option (Spelling & Grammar) to tidy it up a bit. Also check Writing.Com's friendly formatting software to get your paragraphs organised to your satisfaction.
You reflect the toughness of those times well and the abrupt change from war to peace that upset many erstwhile front line warriors. Refusing to discuss war exploits is a common phenomenon; my grandfather, in the Coldstream Guards, fought the whole of the 1st Somme battle (twelve weeks) in WWI and was shot on the last day. Not killed but knocked about. He wouldn't talk of it, either, except to counsel his four sons "never join the Armed Forces". Of course, along came WWII and three were called up and went off on active service. Luckily, they all returned but it was a close thing.
So there you are. Your good story is reflected in many families, of all nationalities.
War is futile and bad; it should not be allowed to occur.
I do, do hope that this is fiction. I'll treat it as such, anyway. It's almost perfect as a short piece and you have disguised the kick in the tail wonderfully.
Not much criticism; you might try Word's 'Review' function (Spelling & Grammar section) to tighten up what little is amiss.
I thought it excellent. and I think you are a writer.
Disclaimer: I lost my little bro when I was 17. Didn't do much for me; even less for my parents.
Wow! A high-powered tale of a pelagic tragedy! Any lessons there? Yes, I reckon there are:
1. try to avoid diving solo
2. don't mess with sea monsters
3. and if you do, try to trade the diamond ring (or any ring) for your freedom.
Now all that is a bit facetious and I apologise. This story is well-told and describes an alas too frequent occurrence, although most diving fatalities are not from the denizens of the deep but as a result of messing up your breathing or timing.
Fatalities are all too familiar here on Australia's Pacific beaches. Sharks take divers and surfers alike with a dreadful regularity.
You brought home the terror that accompanies this sort of disaster.
You might try MS Word's 'Review' function - spelling & grammar - to clean up the syntax (not that there's much wrong but why have any anomaly?)
I wanted this good fast-moving tale to continue. Perhaps one or two lapses in logic ("Duncan clenched his fingers over the map and forced himself to keep the pace. The map was seared in his memory". If it was seared in his memory he wouldn't need the map in his hand.
Only found one literal - "punish" should be "punished".
I think it's generally accepted that owls hoot rather than howl. But "hoot" is comedic so you got yourself into a bit of a difficult corner there. I would use "hoot" anyway and the Hell with it; readers would understand.
Thank you. This is an excellent (eggscellent?) recipe, almost certain to turn out well every time. All I would add is a suggestion that if, for whatever reason, you're off butter and cream, judicious use of canola oil + a touch of water can get a result that, while of course not being as good on the palate, will give you very workmanlike scrambled eggs.
I'm a bit behind the times on this one but, boy, you smoulder well then at the end burst into flames.
It's an extreme thing to say but Americans have never- well, not since they dissed the Brits way back - fought a foreign enemy on home ground. Sure, they came under attack 9/11 but the response was offshore. Now this is not of necessity a bad thing but...it does distance people stateside from what war is really like.
The only other countries that immediately come to mind are Canada - which is to all intents and purposes a bit of USA - UK and Australia/New Zealand (do I hear you ask " Aus and NZ...where on earth are they?") Most other countries around this globe (excepting South America, and who cares about that rather iffy place) have had invaders on their soil. Believe me, having nasty men a-raping your women and drinking your wine is not a good proposition. Leaves a lasting effect, too.
I enjoyed your verse, its shape and its message. Lots of work there. Some thoughts were beyond me but I got the drift. Do you realise that the blank areas on your flag, put together, take up more than half its area? Are you saying that more than half the American population couldn't care less? If so, it's pretty subtle symbolism and I congratulate you for producing it.
How do you feel about things now that the President hasn't exactly covered himself with glory and the Republicans appear about to take over? (Give or take a few mis-speaks on Mitt's part, of course.)
I'd be interested to know.
ps your best sentiment, in my view: "Habeas Corpus disappears".
Well, now you've got 15 years of peace, quiet and nil responsibility in which to write your magnum opus. Actually, I hope you never come out because, along with murderous pedophiles, pyros really shouldn't be free to do their 'stuff'.
The above was all a joke, of course, but it shows that your short but emphatic piece kept me reading and made me think.
And a short story writer can't ask for much more.
You might consider sorting out the formatting - the Writing.Com's nifty software allows you to keep your work exactly as it is on your PC. I'm sure you know about the two little tick-boxes down below where you paste your stories.
Not too sure how you're going to justify your premise here. Children have been used as soldiers for many years. This is what Wikipedia says:
"The military use of children takes three distinct forms: children can take direct part in hostilities (child soldiers), or they can be used in support roles such as porters, spies, messengers, look outs, and sexual slaves; or they can be used for political advantage either as human shields or in propaganda.
Throughout history and in many cultures, children have been extensively involved in military campaigns even when such practices were against cultural morals. Since the 1970s, a number of international conventions have come into effect that try to limit the participation of children in armed conflicts, nevertheless the Coalition to Stop the Use of Child Soldiers reports that the use of children in military forces, and the active participation of children in armed conflicts is widespread."
So, unless you're going to bring in a sci-fi/fantasy element it looks as though you're a bit behind real history. This is a pity, because I think the way you introduce your hero allows of great development.
This is a well-composed and well-written piece that shouts its sincerity. Some might say "but it glorifies war" or perhaps question the main implication in the story: that man's ultimate test is being an armed and fighting warrior. Such critics might point out that there are many ways that women and men can be a "warriors" without the concomitant blood, guts, weapons and killing of a soldier's battlefield.
Unknown to the general public, who would be amazed at the number involved, there are American volunteer workers fighting poverty and ignorance abroad, who put their lives on the line in foreign countries where hard-held beliefs are in utter contrast to democracy at home.
And at home, there are thousands and more who, again, are at direct risk in carrying out their civic duties.
Don't get me wrong: I support fully our - and our allies' - troops in the field. Sometimes, though, it seems they get all the glory.
Wow! Well that sure was a tour de force! You kept the action going OK even if the continuity was a bit bumpy. I'm not too sure that the US had such strength serums in 1943, but, hey, it's fiction (isn't it?)
Maybe wrongly, I read this as a humorous piece - it worked well like that.
You didn't say much about a honeymoon towards the end - perhaps the blushing bride and bold groom were whipped off to some incredibly active theatre of operations before the marriage was even consummated, just to keep the adrenaline level up.
If that was the case, I think you might have treated your readers to a little sex just to keep them reading.
Don't know whether you submitted this to Writing.Com in 2007 or it's something out of your grab-bag from back then. Maybe the latter because tastes have moved on since this sort of shoot 'em up.
Nice line of action but mere action is what this story could well have ventured beyond. For example, a truly fascinating development, since the AI aspires to 'human-ness' (not humanity because that is impossible and we can't have impossibilities in sci-fi, can we?) might have been some sort of rapprochement initiated by Sully - just love the name, by the way - in a boy-girl, if that is the scene or, more likely, boy-boy way. Nothing too serious or distasteful, but an appeal to the AI's self-assumed sense of worth might have been slightly more diplomatic and successful than just blowing him/her away.
But that sort of thing is a big ask in a short story. I enjoyed the read and recognise that you had worked to keep up the pace.
An awful story but one that in the back of our minds we are quite sure is/has been repeated since mankind got on to its two feet and started to walk.
"I know that this will cause you unbearable pain but I have to make you understand. Father I am a soldier, orders are not to be questioned they are to be carried out. Some things are just so wrong that even loyalty and love for the Motherland cannot permit."
This is an extremely strong statement and almost completely correct. Change "Motherland" to "America" or "Britain" or practically anywhere with the possible exception of Italy and one can appreciate that what a soldier is brainwashed into doing is in principle exactly what WWII General Patton said in his infamous statement to a group of GIs.
Because in the immediate aftermath of a desperate engagement (or even during such a confrontation), blood-lust takes over and massacres ensue. The Ancient Romans knew that: Julius Caesar made it motivation for his cohorts.
You write a sad story, sir, but, I'm afraid, not an unfamiliar one.
Rick, I'm not a trained poet so won't attempt to critique that aspect of your work.
But I felt with you as you surveyed the commemorative roll. Trouble is, it's been done and done again in the past (commemorating, I mean.) On the appropriate day, all the big-wigs, the generals, the politicians and, yes, the clergy, get up and bewail the black futility of war.
Then, a few years down the track, it all happens again. Alas, humankind is hard-wired for confrontation and nothing, nothing, will ever change there.
I wonder how many Americans know that on full count some 54,000 of their countrymen (boys) died in the Korean conflict? But that was back in the fifties - obviously we've moved since then.
So good to read universal verse! For these sentiments apply to (wo)mankind in the round, without a scintilla of xenophobia nor even disdain. I hesitate to second-guess the writer but what caught me - and kept me - was that the "proud and speedy stick continues to wave..." Long may it be so.
And long may our brave servicemen slugging it out in the worst of circumstances (are there any other?) maintain the aim, the belief and the faith in which, we continue to hope, they will return to pass on to their descendants.
Because a country always needs young men for the baptism of fire.
Lots of action. Bit derivative and perhaps a touche OTT. I assume that by now you have read the "Fifty Shades..." trilogy, so you'll be pretty much aware of the sort of stuff that sells.
A bit of formatting wouldn't have gone astray - your presentation makes it hard for your readers (no pun intended), which is the last thing you want. You need to catch them fast in the first paragraph - which in your case is not easy to recognise - then hang on to them to the very end (again, no pun.)
"A long [etc etc] time ago something happened in space." It would appear that most astronomers and cosmologists agree that at the time stipulated above there was no such thing as space. For our universe to form, first space - and time - had to be manufactured (or "come about", if you prefer.)
Now, when we're talking about things of that magnitude, the fact that humans speak or think or produce or even space-travel is of very (very!) little import.
Never forget, there are countless lumps of rock out there with civilisations aeons older that ours.
Who made all this happen? Does it matter? Of course not. Why? Because, I reckon, we'll never find out. That is, unless time is circular, in which case, watch out for yourself coming down the sidewalk towards you one day.
To me, this had the look of a very long novel, utilising, to a degree, personalities and scenes from well-known authors, and film directors.
In other words, derivative.
I don't know where you're going with this or, indeed, when you will allow your own unadulterated imagination to take over and direct the plot where it should be going, i.e. where no man has been before (to coin a phrase.) Your writing, in my opinion, is up to the task. Just let that imagination run free!
Lovely hook at the end to keep readers interested. Maybe formatting that is a bit more friendly would help presentation in this forum..
I have given you a high score for the unique (I think, though one can never be sure) plot. It's not a 'plot' really, is it? I think it's an idea that you've had for ages and at last put down on paper, so to speak, or it came to you in the manner of a lightning flash. Whatever, you had me hooked by about the third par, which is pretty high praise from an ordinary reader.
Perhaps a bit more attention to syntax and spelling, plus maybe a touche more zip in your hero. There are some anomalies, e.g. "whilst hollow in the middle had at least one corner which had enough room for a couple of incredibly comfortable looking, the floor I was on had, in addition to the gantry around the edge of the room a walkway leading across the void to the other side" doesn't really make sense.
I was taught it's always desirable to be logical. Reading books that haven't been written defies logic.
I honestly would recommend you join a writing group and get some peer reviews and assistance. You certainly show you have the requisite imagination!
Well done!
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