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339 Public Reviews Given
342 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'll comment about your story, characters, descriptions (narrative), and point out errors if you have any. I won't tear you down for small mistakes but I will point out anything I notice. I'm always polite in my reviews, I will do follow ups if necessary and I'll certainly be thorough if that's what you're looking for.
I'm good at...
Characterisation - I can instantly point out if your character's believable. And I can also help with show and tell if your story needs more balance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, science fiction, comedy, romance, mystery, action/adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Historicals and political stories without humour or a twist. Overtly long non-fiction too.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories *Heart*
I will not review...
Well, there isn't much I won't review. I don't mind horror and erotica (no matter how hardcore) as long as there's a meaningful story. Please note - I will not review a random, weird fantasy that makes me feel like a perv *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- 5 6 ... Next
76
76
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello N. Alawadi ! I'm Tabitha and it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m reviewing your piece Limits, Chapter 1: Meets the eye for "Invalid Item" . Here are my thoughts on your work. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
The first chapter starts with your protagonist getting in a fight over a girl. He gets suspended by his principal, though he doesn't seem to bothered about it. Now he goes home, and you explain that he's poor and his familial situation is dismal. He leaves and meets up with his friends, smoking and hitting on the girl he met that morning. You also mention that this is sort of his usual routine - a normal day for Laith.

I like that your story starts with a lot of vivid show - it evoked sympathy which slowly got more profound as you explained his background. Your storyline for this chapter explain his character and how his life has affected him. This is a really good start - you've shown us a day in the life of your character and you've set the scene.

*BurstB*The characters
Laith's gotten into some bad stuff because of his life story. He doesn't really care about his parents and he's embarrassed about his background. On the other hand, I can see he doesn't like listening to anyone. I'd pin him as a sixteen or seventeen year old rebellious teenager.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
Both were very good, down-to-earth and had excellent balance. You have a natural ability to give realistic descriptions. Wonderful job!

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - First Person
Tense - Past

Clear and easy to understand. Your flow was also very good - I see no interruptions or faults with your formatting.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos

There were quite a few issues with the punctuation (usually I don't mention this - but your piece had a number of them.)

invite us over, are you hiding something?” - Should be invite us over. Are you hiding something?”

internet cafe It was - Missing fullstop. internet cafe. It was

their right side, that played Arabic - Comma is unnecessary here.

a flavored tobacco,. - Typo. There shouldn't be a comma.

Other than that, two other errors I noticed :

pick me up that would be embarrassing - I believe it should be pick me up because that would be embarrassing

another richer - I don't think you need another here. (Just a suggestion to simplify your tone.)


*BurstO*Favourite line

Little did I know then, that this tiny moment would change my life. - because I'm waiting for more. *Smile*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
This is a wonderful first chapter - you've got the reader's curiosity aroused and asking questions. Your piece made me empathise with your character - a really good sign that you've managed this so early on. Other than that, it was well-written and I'd definitely read more of this. It was my pleasure reviewing you. Thank you for sharing!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*

Check out my contest:

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77
77
Review of Dr. Ruth  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Geoff ! Thank you for requesting a review of your piece, Dr. Ruth. Here are my thoughts on your work. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story

Your story is about a psychotic man who reads too much into the actions of others and acts on his impulses. During the first meeting, he feels the psychiatrist was flirting with him, when the fact is, she finds these visits depressing. I can only understand that after that he ends up killing women through his skewered perception and now he wants to kill himself because he feels he should avenge them. The other reason would be that if he doesn't commit suicide, the government would kill him which he feels isn't fair because only people - rather persons, individually - are entitled to revenge.

And I have sooo many questions here. After carefully reading your story a third time, I understood that in fact he was talking to Dr. Devin. Does that mean he killed Ruth - is she one of 'those women'? Does he end up killing the women he meets because they don't reciprocate his affection? If so, I think this is a really good plot line - it's intelligent in that it made me reconsider it before I understood the whole meaning.

*BurstB*The characters
If what I assumed is right, then Rich reads too much into other people's actions and ends up killing them - and later, regrets it and takes it upon himself to avenge them. He's definitely psychotic - he's got the serial killer mindset, though it doesn't seem apparent at first. He can think clearly - even philosophically - yet his actions are reckless and dangerous.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
Descriptions - More please. And not just on the 'show' side of things. I believe you need to explain a little more to make your plot clearer. The descriptions you have thus far are really good - so I don't think that should be a problem for you.
Dialogues - They cleared up some of the confusion, so they get a lot of points.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person
Tense - Past

The writing itself was easy to understand. Simple sentences with good flow in the first half. There's only one line of Ruth's dialogue - I suggest italicising or spacing that line out from the other two halves to distinguish it.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos

That's good Rich - Punctuation. That's good, Rich

the minds of others - He can read minds?!? *Bigsmile* I think you mean the expressions of others or "actions" would work well too.

your talking - I think you need you're talking here.


*BurstO*Favourite line
"I don't think government has the right to kill people. I believe killing is wrong. But individuals have emotions. They need revenge. They should have revenge."

Call me twisted, but I agree with him all the way there.

*BurstR*Final thoughts
This has the potential of being a great story. I believe with just a little formatting and a few more explanatory paragraphs you could work wonders. The story is in itself good - had me rooting for a psychopath at the end. (Good for you *Bigsmile*) All kidding aside, your story is really interesting - it made me think. It's always a pleasure reviewing for you - I hope I've been of some help. Thank you for sharing!

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello ! I'm Tabitha and it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m reviewing your piece for "Invalid Item" . Here are my thoughts on your work. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The subject
Your letter is addressed to the soldiers serving in the US Army. You also describe your life in your letter and you're thankful to the soldiers for their sacrifice to preserve that lifestyle and freedom.

My dad served in the army before I was born - he used to tell me a lot of war stories. I'm truly glad he returned with his life and I'll always be grateful for the service and sacrifice every nation's soldiers render to their nation *Salute*

*BurstB*Descriptions
Your lifestyle seems very peaceful! Must be a nice break away from the bustle of city life. We're avid animal lovers, as well - my grandparents have a lot of goats and rabbits. The descriptions here give me a strong feeling of nostalgia - very well done.

*BurstG*Style of writing
First Person, narrative

Very clear, and straight forward. I especially loved your formatting to make it look like a letter typed from a typewriter.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
Just two pet peeves:

as any wild animal - Might sound better if you used such as a wild animal

fighting so bravely over - May I suggest bravely for (I believe we can't fight over freedom. We can fight for it, though.)


*BurstO*Favourite line
Just remember you are not alone, God is watching over you. *Heart*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
Salutes all around, Mrs. Jeanie! Wonderful letter. I'm sure any soldier would appreciate receiving this during the war - it would definitely light up their day to know that we care so deeply about them. There were such strong emotions conveyed through this piece - thank you for sharing!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*

Check out my contest:

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79
79
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Lecters Protege ! How are you today? I dropped by your port earlier to see what other pieces you have up. I came across this piece - yet another short story of yours told in poetic form. I like how you combine these two forms of literature. It gives a rhythmic, intriguing tone to your stories. Also, I believe you specialise in the genre I love most - dark fantasy with a good twist. This piece especially hit a chord with me. I'll let you know why in a bit.

Here is my review for your piece "The House on the Bend"

*TeaV* They gracefully make their way through the masses of colourful people bustling about on the busy street,
Up the hill then around the corner, almost there, it's not very far until they meet.

Your opening lines have a natural dramatic tone to them. They seem to garner the interest of the reader through their mystery and imagery. Here, you've made me wonder who 'they' are and why they're different from the other people on the street. One other clever thing you've done here is with the description - you've distinguished them from the colourful people. This made me envision them dressed perhaps in white or black. Combined with the next line where you mention porcelain, I believe your description of them was precise, to the point and cleverly revealed in the opening line itself.

*TeaB* Their mounting excitement worn on their porcelain white faces as they walk up the stairs,
Excitement of not knowing who might be next, the devilish schemes she prepares.

Here I'll admit I was a little stumped. We suddenly moved on to a woman? After reading the next few lines, I understand who she is. She is their leader, I'm assuming. For she is the one who devises their schemes. Am I right?


*TeaB* I watch them from my dark corner of the room, clustered together; they're watching me too,
Whispering, "I heard she needs rehab, maybe she needs a mask and she needs to be torn in two!”

So now the masked people want the protagonist to join them. To be a part of their crew and wear the masks. But they also hate him in a way - hence they ask for him to be torn in two. Though they whisper, they seem to know that the protagonist can hear them.


*TeaG* I won't wear their masks, I won't be them, I won't live behind a lie, and I won't be dead inside,
There's a sudden hush as she appears, she turns to face me "Where is your mask?" she cried.

I'll admit after I read the first line I thought the people were asking for the protagonist to become a vampire *Bigsmile* But then the leader asks him why he isn't wearing a mask, and I understood that the mask was a metaphor. After reading the last few lines, I've come to understand that the mask is what the protagonist believes will make him join the imaginary people in his head. He believes they are lies, hence he says that he doesn't want to join their ranks and live in lies.

*TeaO* I'm down on bended knee, begging "Don't make me wear a lie, I'd rather die!”
Instantaneously the room starts to buzz with movement; she replies "I guess it's bye-bye!”

Isn't that the truth - it's better to be dead than live in lies. I like the leader's characterisation. I don't know why she gave me the child vibes - she's cunning and calculating, but something about her tone made me think she's very young.


*TeaO* I have to escape, there has to be another way, it can't be that I'm at a dead end,
Don't listen to them, they're just voices in your head, they don't transcend,
I'm trapped inside my own prison; will I ever escape from the house in the bend?

Just like your previous piece, brilliant twisted ending. The piece had enough - I don't usually use this word, but I seem to be doing it a lot when I describe your pieces - flair to have my attention even without the ending. But with those last few lines, you sealed the deal - you made this a beautifully written and well rounded story with a wonderful ending that I never would've expected.

I have no suggestions. This was awesome. Five stars!

Final thoughts

This piece was very close to a poem I wrote. "Wisdom of insanity" . By the time I finished reading your piece, I felt we both described the same thing in a slightly different manner. Your stories are a delight to review - you're a wonderful author. From start to finish your piece held my attention and I thought it had good plot and characterisation. Keep up the good work!

Have a great day!

-TG *Suitspade*

Check out my contest -
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80
80
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Lecters Protege ! I saw your piece "What's for dinner?" in the Please Review page. Wow, this was awesome. I'm not the right person to review poetry, but this was very, very close to a short story - so I'll review it as such.

*StarfishB* Handsome and distinguished they described him but I prefer alluring, sophisticated and the finest,
He caught me staring at him and flashed me a smile so intoxicating even the lambs were silenced.

Intriguing opening sentence - it reeled me in and kept me interested. The line made me ask questions and piqued my curiosity. Small suggestion I have here - please add a comma after "described him". It confused me a little without the pause. In the second line, I especially liked the part about the silencing of the lambs.

*StarfishB* I thought to myself, “I can’t believe he’s asked me over for dinner! This isn't real, I must be dreaming!”
As if he could read my mind, he leaned closer and whispered, “I’m glad we decided to have this meeting.”

Beautiful! Now you've drawn the readers in - here is an ordinary girl on a date with a mysterious man - whatever could be his motives? *Bigsmile*

*StarfishY* Suddenly the scream of the telephone sliced through the sexual tension between us like a blade slicing thinner,
His delectable voice responded saying, “I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having a friend for dinner!”

I liked the poetic devises you used here, like the "screaming" of the telephone and its comparison to a "blade". One more small correction here - perhaps you could use, slicing thin air. Thinner makes no sense to me. I understood the second line's deeper context after reading the whole thing - and my, it was hilarious!

*StarfishR* I detected a note of urgency, perhaps excitement in his raspy voice that made me gulp down my expensive wine,
The room started to spin in rhythm to the sound of peppers being chopped with such precision it sent shivers down my spine.

Now moving on to a more ominous tone - you've made a good transition here.

*StarfishR* He intently eyed me from the corner of the table, another gloriously generous gulp of wine and I got more confident to ask, “Dr Lecter, what’s for dinner?”

Brilliant ending! If it weren't for your pen name (which I believe I commented on once), I never would've guessed. Again a small suggestion here - "I got more confidence" would sound better in my opinion. Overall, the ending was a nice twist - it satisfied my curiosity and finished the piece with flair.


Final Thoughts:

Wonderful story! It made me laugh and it had a really good twist at the end. Thank you for sharing! I love your sense of humour - it was a pleasure reviewing your piece.

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*

Check out my contest :

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81
81
Review of A MOOveable Feast  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, hooves! I'm currently reviewing for the Challenge and I'm tasked with reviewing a folder. I've chosen your folder Tails and HANDs as my victim *Bigsmile*

I read quite a few of your short stories - you have a wonderful writing tone and your stories have good plot development. I did send you quite a few ratings earlier - I guess that tells you more about what I thought about the individual pieces. The folder as a whole was a compilation of your little gems and I enjoyed them very much. (I'm sorry if I'm not helping much - I really don't know what else to say when I review a folder. I hope you don't mind? *Bigsmile*)

I shall drop by your port in the near future for more detailed reviews *Smile*. Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *Suitspade*

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82
82
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Zack Leigh ! I saw your piece when I was browsing through the Newbie page. Your poem caught my attention - the formatting was brilliant. It truly captured the nature of the illness described. Your poem describes the feelings of a person suffering from DID - the emotional swings and the depressing delusions. While I don't know much about poetry, your poem is fee verse and I enjoyed the style of writing very much. I didn't notice any errors - good job!

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *Suitspade*

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83
83
Review of MY BONNIE  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Geoff! I saw this piece in your port and I was intrigued by the title. This was a sweet little piece - the emotions of children can be quite complex though we don't realise it. I wasn't around when the record player was still functional *Bigsmile* but my dad often used to tell me what you just described - it was his favourite possession, still has it polished and maintained to this day.

And as embarrassing as this is, I also thought it was 'body' until very recently *Bigsmile* The story takes a bittersweet note when the boy starts to feel upset about the loss of the girl. (I'm going 'Aww' in my head right now.)

Who is Bonnie, by the way? I've always had that question *Bigsmile* May I share a small personal experience with this song? My cat's name is Bonnie. This story reminded me of her. She always seems to find me no matter where she is in the house when I sing this *Bigsmile*

This was a wonderful read. Thank you for sharing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*

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84
84
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello Ordinary_Dandy ! I saw your piece The Fictionalized Truth in your portfolio. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
I believe this is not fiction, however I shall review it with the same aspects. Your story tells us about what you have experienced in life as an author and how your characters provided more for you in life than reality ever could. I can relate to you here in that I prefer my characters coming from rich backgrounds as that enables me to explore their lifestyle. Well written. Good job!

*BurstB*Characterisation
Your perspective takes a sad, wistful tone as you explain what the world has done to your attitude and how you seek the comfort of fiction. You say truth is nothing but lies that you believe in. I think this a refreshing opinion. I had this same problem and I wrote a poem about it. The characters mentioned were truly your friends. Very well portrayed.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
I won't comment here because this is more of a monologue than a short story. But if you decide to expand this, I think you need more 'show'.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - First Person
Tense - Past

Your style of writing is very elaborate. May I suggest breaking down your sentences more? It will help the flow and rhythm of your piece and make it easier to read. As a general rule, it's safe to break up sentences more than 10 words long.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
contradicts with the laws - you don't require a with here.

en-hearten - I believe you mean enlighten

to their advantages? - punctuation. There should't be a question mark at the end.

The service I offered were never enough - plural. The services I offered were...

*BurstO*Favourite line
Truth is but, fabricated, for I speak only the words one wish to hear
It spoke to me deeply *Heart*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
A deep and thought provoking piece. Thank you for sharing - you're a wonderful author and I'm glad I made your acquaintance. I hope we can be friends *Bigsmile* If you need more help, please don't hesitate to ask.

Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
85
85
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, ♥Hooves♥ ! Just stopped by your port after you gave me those sweet reviews. I saw this piece and since you mentioned The Eagles, I had to read it - I'm a big fan of tasteful music *Bigsmile*

May I just say here that you're awesome? *Bigsmile* This was fantastic - I loved every line and I could sing this along with the tune. Brilliant job, mate. You mentioned that this is your first parody?!?!?! Wow! (Sorry for the excessive use of punctuation *Bigsmile* It usually doesn't happen but then again, I usually don't read anything this awesome.)

You made my day! Keep up the great work and good luck with your writing!

-TG *Suitspade*
86
86
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Geoff ! Here are my thoughts on your piece DUMB DE DUMB GOES THE DRUM as requested by you. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

"Dumb de dumb goes the drum, dum, dum, dumb de damn, the beat of the drum, dumb, dumb, drum, deep in the doldrum,"

Here you've introduced what is happening - a beating drum and going by the rhythm I formed in my head with this one line, I think it's a tribal drum. Somewhere in Africa, perhaps? I like how you've used variations of "dum" through this line.

"deep deep under the gum tree, wood for the drums, the gooey dumb gum-drops, drip-drip-drip on the head of my doldrumish dream, slick coat of melted gum,"

Again, this reinforces my image that this is taking place in Africa. The man (or men) are beating this drum under a gum tree. The way you use "doldrumish" here suggests that this was for a mournful or sad occasion. Am I right?

"deadening the sound, dead in the doldrums of the conga and the bass, the bonobo bongo and timpanic ear-drum clogged with melted gum, scorched through with fiery sound, burning holes in the grey matter, but what does it matter, beat on the fiery orb with drum-sticks, the fat legs of birds and the branches of trees,

Wonderful imagery in these lines. I especially like the usage of words here that are not the same but are similar in a way. The Congo settled any matter of rhythm in my head and now I'm reading this with a settled pace.

"all that matters is that the grey and white pulp of the orb will be cooled in the quiet doldrums, the cool quiet dumb doldrums will cool the ache, no more beating or pounding, a shriveled mind in a dead case,"

I will not tell you i understand this line entirely - there's a metaphor I'm sure I'm missing here. Somehow this reminds me of a funeral march? From the cooling of the white and grey (the brain, I'm guessing) and the shrivelled mind, I assume the drums are mourning the passing of a man. I could be wrong here, but that is what I understood.

"but finally painless, but wait, a seed falls in the rot, the rot still throbbing with the dreadful beat rocks the seed to life, sprouts reaching for the sky, branches straining through the thick air, needles piercing the eyes of birds and impaling insects as the fat trunk swells and distends,"

Now you talk of life emerging from the earth, from the rot. The drums apparently are helping this process though the said life is destroying those who sheltered under the gum tree.

"spilling its contents, the guts of the spruce, coated in its gum, chew the gum and melt it with your fiery fetid breath, sweeten your breath of a thousand rotten years with the sweet spruce and let the liquid gum drip over the new drum of spruce tree, the fat trunk hollowed with the tusk of the boar,"

Now I believe this is the making of the drum itself. How it's taken years for a tree to grow and then be hollowed out to create the drum. Also explains the wax's involvement in it's creation.

"bored out with the tusks and crumbling bones of the boar, beat on the trunk, beat with your fists, beat with your might, beat out a message to your ancestors, dum, dum, dumb, dumb, beat your drum"

This line left me with that victorious, I-want-to-do-something vibe. It's a powerful, meaningful and deep closing line.


Overall, I really liked this piece. There were no typos or errors I could find. I would love to read more from you.

Thank you for sharing and have a great day!

-TG
87
87
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello ♥Hooves♥ ! I saw your piece Othello's Adjustment in the Please Review page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your story is about what happened during WWII told from a cat's point of view. I found this an interesting twist on history. Besides the violence inflicted on fellow human beings, there's also a great deal of harm done to animals. This piece hit a special chord with me because I'm very fond of cats. God knows what I'd do with my pets should a war ever strike...*shudders*

*BurstB*The characters
Othello is a typical cat *Bigsmile* He seems to have understood the ways of being a feline and the complexities of leading a 'cat life'. What I found interesting here was that he was able to understand some of the dialogue spoken by us. Why then is he not able to understand everything?

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
I liked quite a few of your descriptions. They were quite innocent and child-like in a way which suited this piece as it was told from a cat's POV. As for dialogue - again I have only that one problem I mentioned before. He's able to understand some, but not all our conversations? Is this because he doesn't actually guess from our words but rather through our actions? (Me and my curiosity *Bigsmile*)

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person
Tense - You fluctuate between present and past

Clear and simple to understand. I have one small pet peeve here - your writing seems a little fragmented? You skip between subject matters/paragraphs having different contexts with no linkers. May I suggest revising your flow once more?

*BurstO*Errors/Typos

Nothing major here. Good job!

*BurstO*Favourite line

I hope it is better than what justice looked like in my town. *Cry*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
What an eye-opener. Wonderfully written with a fresh, interesting spin on things. I would love to read more of your work sometime!

Hope I’ve been of some help to you *Bigsmile* Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*

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88
88
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, sohera55 and welcome to WDC! Thank you for sharing such a moving and beautiful piece of poetry. My father was in the army and he'd often tell me about what it was like being out there. It's a horrible thing, war. So violent and unnecessary. Your poem captures a lot of emotion and I especially like the way you repeated the first few lines in the end for a dramatic finish. No errors or grammar mistakes I could find. Good job! I would love to read more of your poetry.

Have a great day!

-TG *Suitspade*
89
89
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello Luka Vaughn ! I saw your piece Seven Sins : Wrath in the Please Review page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your story is about a magician and his assistant. When the magician falls ill, his assistant takes over. But after he is well, the audience wants only his assistant to take the stage. His own ego hurt, the magician, in a moment of wrath, kills his assistant.

Clearly, you captured the essence of your title. Though I believe this is more for Pride, don't you think? His wrath itself is not explicitly shown, hence the suggestion. It's a crisp storyline and there's very powerful message in there. I wonder if Pierre could even continue performing without Sam anymore. What a rash decision...

*BurstB*The characters
Sam seems sad afterwards that everyone's cheering for her. That speaks mountains about her character. Pierre on the other hand - he's a bit over his head. And temperamental - holding grudges and planning a murder? Yeah, he's definitely a man with a wounded pride.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
Like I mentioned, you've condensed your storyline and made it crisp and very straightforward. Only the first and last part were descriptive because that I believe is the present state of what's happening. That part's described well, but I still thing a little more show about the setting wouldn't hurt.
And that little piece of dialogue about the crimson dress - kinda made me hate Pierre even more.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person
Tense - Past

Straightforward and easy to understand.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
breathe - in the first line, I think you should use either breath or breathing

to be freed from this destructive release from this world. - This makes no sense? I don't think you need to mention destructive release here.

She would use to practice small - tense. She used to practice small

*BurstO*Favourite line
"Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for my lovely assistant Samantha!" *Cry*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
Awesome piece with a deep, meaningful ending. I'm hoping I get to read your other pieces on the deadly sins after this - this is quite engaging. Is this for a contest? I remember the listing but I can't place it. Anyway, hope I’ve been of some help to you *Bigsmile* Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
90
90
Review of #youlikeit  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, again *prelooker*! This time I'm bothering you with a review of your folder itself. I promise I'll drop by my review of your other chapters over the next week - for now, I guess this has to be enough *Bigsmile*. This is for a particular task of mine here - to review a folder - so I hope you won't mind that I've chosen you as my victim.

Thus far, I like your blurb - you've told us about the general direction the story's going to take and established the major characters. May I point out a few corrections?

even when they’re - I think you mean "even though they're"

sometimes they don't exactly - you don't need both sometimes and exactly. Either one would do fine here.

not like Gillian and her team - you're missing an "its" between not and like.

The more when chance - I don't think you need "the more" here. It strays from the meaning you're trying to convey.

I understand this was probably written in a hurry? I've seen your work - you're quite meticulous and very clear with your writing style otherwise. Interestingly, it covers all the basic elements of the chapters I've read which is really good - you've revealed enough but not too much. And that's an interesting link to the Beatles I didn't notice - got love me some good music *Bigsmile*

Hope I get to those reviews soon *Bigsmile* Meanwhile, I just thought I'd drop by a friendly review *Smile*

Have a great day and good luck with your writing!

-TG *Suitspade*
91
91
Review of Naked Santa  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Steev the Friction Wizurd ! I had the fortune of finding your piece when I was growing through the comedy genre. While I'm not usually into poetry, this was delightful! And I had to let you know my thoughts, though I'm pretty sure they're not going to be all that much help - I don't know anything about poetry *Bigsmile* But still, this was awesome - thank you for making my day! If you don't mind me stating the obvious - you've completely defiled a dear part of my childhood and still managed to make me love it. I had tonnes of fun and I couldn't stop laughing. You've got a wonderful gift of humour! While I know this piece is very old, and my review is roughly eleven years late, you have my congratulations for a job done well, sir *Bigsmile*

Have a great day!

-TG *Suitspade*
92
92
Review of 2. Crime Scene  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello Prelooker ! Here is my next-to-pathetic attempt to set things right with my last review. *Bigsmile* Chapter two of your novel, #youlikeit.

Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Now the story moves on to the crime scene. You've shown us how the boy was probably killed and revealed a little of the romantic tension you were hinting at earlier. Good progress!

*BurstB*The characters
I'm withholding comments here - because I'm kinda scared I'll get it wrong again *Bigsmile*. No, but seriously, I understand more about Reg now that we've cleared up our little confusion. And even though I understand it's one person - I still hold to my earlier assumption. She sounds a lot like RIzzoli *Smile* And as far as I'm concerned that's a good thing - she was one of my favourite detective characters.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
A little more show going on here than the first chapter - I like it. Your descriptions showed me what the poor dead boy looked like.
Dialogues - *Heart*

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third Person
Tense - Past

Clear, simple and fairly straight-forward.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos

Only one :

“That’s marked in dry blood?” - is the sentence not formatted correctly? I couldn't really understand it. Normally, I'd ignore fragments, but seeing as this is the last sentence - it can have a pretty big effect on the reader. Could you try changing the wording?

*BurstO*Favourite line
“Still missing me, Belly-Banks?” *Bigsmile*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
I hope this redeems me of the horrible review I gave earlier. Anyway, it was my pleasure reviewing for you - this is a well-paced chapter that moves the story in a new direction. Hopefully, I'll be able to read more of your chapters soon *Smile*

Hope I’ve been of some help to you *Bigsmile* Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
93
93
Review of Finding Fagan  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello lezismore-moreislez and welcome to WDC! I saw your piece Finding Fagan in the Newbie page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your story is about a - demon? - Wolfgang, who seems angry and, to be honest, frightening as he searches for Fagan. I assumed it was because he wanted to kill Fagan, but then you reveal that they're cousins playing tag. Nice twist at the end. Good job!

*BurstB*The characters
Wolfgang's characterisation was spot on - he was quite scary. While I get that you were going to extreme theatrics to make the ending surprising - I don't understand why he was getting so worked up over tag? Maybe it's just in his nature....

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
For a short story, you've got enough description and dialogue to show us the setting. But if decide to expand this story later, I'd suggest going more in-depth about the setting. I understand it's a mansion or castle, of sorts? You could make the mood more ominous by describing it in the "haunted, Victorian gothic" way.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person
Tense - Past

Clear, simple and very easy to understand. May I suggest arranging your sentences in paragraphs more? They seem a little scattered.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
None I could find. Good job!

*BurstO*Favourite lines
“You can't hide from me!” - because it foreshadows the ending without giving anything away. Clever *Smile*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
Nice, amusing short story with a good twist in the end. Have you considered joining the Twisted Tales contest - they give you 500 GPs just for entering. I'd love to read more of your work - you've shown a lot of promise with this piece. See you around the site, lezismore *Bigsmile*

Hope I’ve been of some help to you *Smile* Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
94
94
Review of 1. Morning Coffee  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello Prelooker ! Here are my thoughts on your piece, Morning Coffee, as promised. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
This something I dont usually say under this heading, but the title of your folder, #youlikeit, instantly caught my attention. I'm not #obsessed, but it's an interesting idea to use it for a story title. Your plot itself was intriguing - this is a crime novel about a rich kid being murdered. Thus far, in chapter one, you've shown us all the major characters - Reg and Gillian - and set the scene. Good work!

*BurstB*The characters
Reg is a middle aged woman - single? - with a son. She seems like a cool mom *Cool*. Gillian somehow struck me as younger? And her character type wasn't as well defined as Reg - but as this is the first chapter, you're off to a good start. They somehow reminded me of Rizzoli and Isles *Bigsmile*

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
I really liked the dialogues of both the protagonists. It was natural and easy going. What really confused me here was Collin. You describe him as being mild mannered, but his dialogue thus far seems a bit outspoken.
Descriptions - you did a pretty good job!

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person, limited, focussing on multiple characters
Tense - Past

Your writing style was clear, simple and straightforward. I like that you cut to the chase - it suits this genre.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos

no matter the situation - Just a pet peeve. I think you're missing a "what". no matter what the situation

not really awake but barely standing - here using too many -ly words (adverbs) slows down the pace. Similarly in the very next line you say eyes hardly open. You could omit "really" and "hardly".

as every time she had to talk to him - I had to read this twice to get it. Perhaps you could try, as she had to, every time she wanted to talk to him

Lucky her - again a pet peeve. I'm generally used to reading Luckily for her

used to smile - I think you mean used to smiling

but sure something - And this is a rare instance where I'd suggest using an adverb. but surely something


*BurstO*Favourite line
“Have a nice day, son. Behave.”
“Ditto.”

I found that funny, because I'm pretty sure he meant ditto to her "behave." *Bigsmile*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
Overall, a very good opening. I see you've written many chapters after this - I'll surely drop by again when I have time. You're a wonderful author and I'd love to read more of your work. Thank you for sharing you story.

Hope I’ve been of some help to you :) Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

(PS - If there are typos in this review, my sincerest apologies. I'm usually short on time and I almost never get time to proofread. I'll try my best not to make mistakes, but well, I'm human...)

-TG *SuitClub*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
95
95
Review of Daddy and Me  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello R. D. Lane and welcome to WDC! I saw your piece in the Newbie page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your story is about an abusive relationship as seen through the eyes of a child. Your piece hit so many chords with me because my dad had a drinking problem when I was younger. He never resorted to violence, and everything turned out fine in the end - but still. It makes me shudder to think we missed this particular train wreck by a matter of inches.

*BurstB*The characters
Your characterisation is so perfect - I actually got chills. Very believable and spot on. Good job!

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
As this is told through the eyes of a child, I won't comment on descriptions and dialogue. Your writing style is too primitive for me to force you to include detailed descriptions - the innocence works very well, by the way. It's a perfect contrast to the violence in the story.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - First person
Tense - Present

I like your creativity here. You didn't go for the obvious choice of telling this story through the eyes of the mother. Your style of writing is way too simple but that works in your favour here.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
None! It's very rare I can say that under this heading. Wonderful job!

*BurstO*Favourite line
I love my daddy, but I don't think I'll see him again. *Cry*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
Remarkable story. Thank you so much for sharing this piece. It had a lot of emotion but it was conveyed so simply, so beautifully - I had to give you five stars for this wonderful story. You're a brilliant author, and I hope I read more from you *Smile*

Hope I’ve been of some help to you. Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*
96
96
Review of Fractured  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello DaedalusMW and welcome to WDC. I saw your piece, Fractured, in the Newbie Review page. Here are my thoughts on your work. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

(Oh, and please note that I'm only reviewing for Chapter 1. I'm a bit short on time - do tell me if you want a review for Chapter 2. I'll be happy to do so at some later time.)

*BurstV*The story
Your plot is about two detectives from the NYPD who head down to Dallas to solve a crime there because they believe it has some connection with a string of murders back in New York. Thus far, the story involves their trip into Atlas and a bit of back story about their location and the crime. Also, what I found really interesting was Arjan's motivation to work this case. You gave me the impression that it has nothing to with their case - which gives your piece a lot of intrigue. (That's a promising angle to work with for a crime novel.)

And can I say wow, it's been a long time since I reviewed sci-fiction *Bigsmile*. Naturally, I'm thrilled I found your piece because it's one of my favourite genres. Also, your concept of Bablon is highly creative. (I'll talk more about this under descriptions.)

*BurstB*The characters

You characterisation is remarkable. Arjan made me smile often, because he's my favourite type of character to work with : the cocky, yet down-to-earth smart ass who always talks too much. While Torre - though he was quite blunt, I could tell he was the loyal, best friend type who'd always have your back.
It's a really good thing when I can identify a character type in the first chapter - you've done a stand up job (I'd give you a virtual pat on the back.*Bigsmile*) Even the physical descriptions were well suited to your piece.

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue

Dialogue - Have I mentioned I'm kinda falling for Torre? *Blush* Going through your piece again, I see he has all the best lines. Given your characterisation, I'd suggest dividing it a bit and giving Arjan some epic one-liners too.
Oh, and you win a million points for the definition of a rhetorical. Hail mary was bloody brilliant, mate *Bigsmile*

Description - Now this is what really caught my attention and stood out. It's not exactly your descriptions itself but your concept of Atlas that got me on an intellectual level.
Two examples that really stood out to me - you say 30 years ago, in 2033. I like that you encourage your readers to think, rather than stating point blank that it was 2063.
And this one paragraph, "By the time the hacker's construction.....was declared safe for occupation again." I loved so many of the concepts you introduce here. It kinda reminded me of Dan Brown's Inferno. This paragraph has to be the jewel of your piece - and everything from the hackers to the monuments of sin were very clever.

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person, unlimited
Tense - Past

Your writing itself was pretty easy to understand. Thank you for using good grammar and appropriate punctuation - it makes my job that much more easier. The flow was uninterrupted until the part about Torre finding out about Arjan's motives. There the dialogue suffered a bit - it seemed fragmented. And the pace - as this is the first chapter, I can see you're taking things slow. That's good, but as we proceed more into your story, you might want to do take it up a notch.


*BurstO*Errors/Typos

times per day - this is a pet peeve, but I think times a day would suit that line more.

for a twenty year old lab perfect specimen. - I don't get it? He is quite old, as you say he has salt and pepper hair. Why then would he be a twenty year old specimen? I think you mean, he'd be as good as a twenty year old specimen.

techniques being developed- tense. techniques were being developed

If Torre knew one thing - The phrase is actually If ..... knew anything

comingling to manifest - Typo. I think you mean coming to manifest

stayed in New York like is said - Typo. It should be I said

Well this brilliant detective, you can be pretty dense, - Again, I believe the phrase is Well, for a brilliant...

*BurstO*Favourite line
I believe I already mentioned those. I think you have a good number of my favourite lines in your piece *Bigsmile*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
I love it! This was an interesting story and I can't wait to see where it goes. Combined with your natural aptitude for good dialogue and clever narrative, this is definitely a book I'd want to read. Let me know when your other chapters are up. It would be my pleasure to give you a review.

Hope I’ve been of some help to you. Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*
97
97
Review of Time Runs Out  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello Nicole Lundrigan and welcome to WDC! I saw your piece Time runs out in the Newbie page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your genre was what intrigued me first - I'm a sucker for a good action/thriller *Bigsmile* Your story is about a girl who kills her brother on New Year's Eve. It isn't revealed to us that the target is the protagonist's brother until the very end.
I wonder if I just stumbled on to this piece by chance? I see no context for why the girl is killing her brother. Was there a piece before this that I missed - or an epilogue that explains? If this is a stand alone short story, I strongly suggest making the person's motives clearer.

*BurstB*The characters
As I already mentioned, I seem to be lacking something here. While you described your protagonist quite well - especially her distinction on not being a hero - I think you need just a little more "showing" here. You have a well defined character in your mind, I can tell. I just believe you need to express more of what you think about her in your work. Maybe a little more physical description might help.
But the characterisation itself- her guilt and her remorse but her grudging sense of duty was brought out clearly. Good job!

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
The dialogue was good and quite natural.
Descriptions... I repeat this again because I can't stress how important this is - please bring in more show! "Show" is vivid narrative - something that asks the reader to use every sense to immerse themselves in the story. Imagery is very important in fiction. Authors can create wonderful worlds in their minds - sadly, not many of us realise that our readers can only see them if we "show" it to them. And not simply describe them.
An example of this could be :

Tell - Valek was angry at me.
Show - Valek took a gray rock off his desk and hurled it toward me. Stunned, I froze as the stone whizzed past and exploded on the wall behind me.

Which here helped you imagine Valek's actions better?

(I did not give any examples from your piece because I feel like I'm taking something away from you by modifying your work. Play around with this a little bit - I'm 100% sure you can get it. If you need more help on this subject, please don't hesitate to ask *Smile*)


*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - First person
Tense - Present

I really liked your use of the present tense for action. It definitely made your piece more dynamic. You writing was very clear and easy to understand. May I suggest something here in regard to the flow? I understand you've used repetition to have greater effect. But in certain cases they kinda interrupt the pace. Always use repetition sparingly - because the fewer phrases you repeat, the greater effect they tend to have.


*BurstO*Errors/Typos
I could find no typos as far as I could see. Wonderful! I have great respect for authors who proofread their work *Bigsmile*


*BurstO*Favourite line
“Happy New Year, Brother.” *Cool*


*BurstR*Final thoughts
This seems to be an interesting story! With a little more tweaking, it'll be a jewel! Do let me know if there's a prequel/sequel to this. I really would like to know why she's killing her brother. You're a wonderful author, Nicole and I hope to read more from you *Smile* I'm always looking for new friends, so please don't hesitate to drop by a mail anytime.


Hope I’ve been of some help :) Good luck with your writing and have a great day!


-TG *SuitClub*
98
98
Review of SHE  
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello, Howard Surpirse! Welcome to WDC!

I saw your piece in the Newbie page and I decided to give you a review. Now my norm at this is that I pull out a fancy template and type away. But then your piece was so unique and touched me so deeply, that I realised I wasn't just giving you a review anymore - I was congratulating you for a work so well done, you basically melted my *Heart*

You've captured what it feels like to be in love perfectly in a meagre four hundred words - a tremendous task, my friend. Your piece was beautiful, poignant and very touching. In the first few paragraphs, you describe what it's like to meet the perfect woman - and what really got my attention was that you didn't mention a word about her appearance. You're very wise - you basically explained to us that everyone has a different definition of the perfect woman - and it's not her, rather it's his perception of her that makes her perfect. How true and absolutely beautiful!

You then go on to describe what it's like losing her - the pain, the anguish and the guilt that comes from knowing you could've done so much more. Was it odd that this slightly reminded me of Bruno Mars' "When I was your man" ? *Bigsmile*

After that, you explain how it changes who you are - you're optimism slowly growing from the memories that are left behind. You come to the "there are other fish in the sea" phase and develop more confidence and hope to see love once more.

Like I already mentioned, your writing is very elegant and moving. I noticed only one typo - that get deeper : I think it should be gets deeper.

But otherwise what a wonderful use of words. As I'm a woman, I can only hope to find a man who would see me that way. Thank you for sharing this lovely piece, you definitely made my day! You're a brilliant author and I'd love to read more of your work. I'm always looking for new friends, so please don't hesitate to ask for help or just simply chat *Bigsmile*

Have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*
99
99
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Crayons**Crayons10**Crayons2**Crayons3**Crayons4**Crayons5**Crayons6**Crayons7**Crayons8**Crayons9*


Hello Zack Leigh ! I saw your piece A Difference of Five Feet in the Newbie page. Here are my thoughts on your piece. Please note that I claim to be neither a good author nor reviewer. You can ignore anything I say if you don’t like it - it is after all your piece. The joy of writing is that you are the author and you have the final say about your piece.

That being said, here is my review :

*BurstV*The story
Your story is about a socially awkward werewolf, Justine, who was obviously too big and intimidating to interact well with people. This was a really good concept. You show us the werewolf's struggle in a cafe where despite her awkward mannerism, she manages to score the cashier's phone number. This again is quite creative for the cashier is a kitsune.
I really like the way you've managed to bring both western and eastern folklore together - I think they'd make an interesting couple. A werewolf and a fox spirit - Niice *Smile*

*BurstB*The characters
You've described Justine very well from her manner. She is quite large for a werewolf. I imagine she must have been terrifying for the small patrons of the cafe.
While I could clearly see your scene, may I suggest breaking up your descriptions more? Smaller, shorter chunks of vivid narrative generally pack more punch - just a suggestion...

*BurstB*Descriptions and dialogue
Your dialogue is quite clear. I especially like the note at the end - very believable.
Your descriptions, like I mention, earlier could be a little more fragmented. They could be simplified, I guess. Also, a small pet peeve - you haven't described the cafe itself. You've given us lots of information about Justine and the customers, but I cannot imagine what a cafe with so many spirits would look like. Would it look like a regular human cafe? Would it have weird furniture and odd colours? You're the writer, so show us your world!

*BurstG*Style of writing
POV - Third person
Tense - Past

Your writing was very narrative. I believe you have a good gift of showing. Only for a short story, a little more tell wouldn't hurt *Bigsmile* Perhaps you could consider breaking up your sentences - making them smaller. Ideally for a short story of this length, most people expect easy to digest, light reading. So making your wording a little less complicated can go a long way.
Also paragraphs - lifesavers. Check the "double space" option at the bottom of the text area when you create/edit your work. It'll improve your presentation. Trust me, that helps a lot to get more readers.

*BurstO*Errors/Typos
But this werewolf, with a name unsuited to her intimidating demeanor—being a werewolf, once more, not the most gentle-known creature—had a voice that was just as soft and lacking an edge of fearful bloodlust. - This is one more instance where you could simplify. I couldn't understand this line until I read it a few more times.
what was now obvious anxious movement - You could say what was now obviously, an anxious movement
her voice coming by accident to a much more brash level - This sounds a little off. Perhaps you could try rewording it.
surely just as embarrassed as Justine, for such a ruckus to be made. - The tense is wrong. for such a ruckus was made.
singe-word - I think you mean single-word

*BurstO*Favourite line
Definitely Justine's reaction to the phone number *Cool*

*BurstR*Final thoughts
I quite like your concept - your story was interesting. Your writing was dramatic, but I guess simplifying it will make this a much more enjoyable read. You're very creative, by the way - I would never have thought of a werewolf and kitsune couple. You've got great potential and I do hope to read more from you. I'm always looking for new friends - so please don't hesitate to contact me if you need more help or just an encouraging word *Smile*

Hope I’ve been of some help to you :) Good luck with your writing and have a great day!

-TG *SuitClub*
100
100
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Max Ralstin and welcome to WDC! I don't believe I've had the pleasure of reviewing you before - your piece "We Accept Everything Natural"  is one of the gems I just discovered in the Read a Newbie page. I claim to be neither a great writer nor a really good reviewer. All I'm offering is my honest opinion as a reader. Please feel free to ignore anything that you don't like.

*BurstV* What I liked about your piece-
Everything. Though I've met quite a few talented authors on WDC, it's not often I get to say that under this title *Bigsmile* Your subject matter, your subtle humour and that brilliant way you use your words left me with a great first impression. I completely agree with your opinion - in nature, there are many, many species of animals that practice homosexuality. When it comes to the heart, it wants what it wants and gets it anyway it finds. The whole piece was incredibly well-written and conveyed a deep message.


*BurstP* Style of writing -
As I've already mentioned, your phrasing was wonderful. It's sarcastic to a point that as a reader I found it enjoyable, but not too much as to cloud the message. I see no breaks in your writing. There was a good flow and you paced it well. If anything, I'd suggest making it longer *Bigsmile*, I'd love to keep reading.


*BurstP* Suggestions -
the nasty one bedroom down from you? - it wasn't clear when I read it. You could consider the nasty one in the bedroom down from yours?


*BurstP* Doubts -
Just one and this is out of curiosity - where is it given in the Bible about the fifty pieces of silver? *Blush*


*BurstB* Favourite line/part -
I liked your entire piece. But if I had to pick - "Wouldn’t it be better to love them in the bedroom instead of the closet? I’m sure it’s more comfortable."


*BurstB* Overall impression -
You're awesome! This was a beautifully written satire and I enjoyed it very much. Please keep me posted if you write more, I'd love to read from you. Keep writing and have a nice day!


- TG *SuitSpade*
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