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48 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. It is simply my opinion.

Hey M Hague,
You've got a pretty nice tight little chapter 1. I found it easy to read and you've done well with the characters.

I found it a little over descriptive with some of the mundane action, such as running to the street, looking around etc. Some of this could be cut. A little more around the fight and the stealing of the horse would be better.

You have a number of adverbs scattered around. While some of these work, the majority of them don't add very much at all to the sentence. Either remove them or rewrite the sentence without the ly.

"This left little time for mourning and that is why Myrl believes his father is such a hard taskmaster." This sentence is in present tense, the rest of the story is in past.

This is a great start, and your first paragraph is very strong. I would have no problem reading on to chapter 2.
Good work. Keep Writing.
Thomas.
2
2
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. It is simply my opinion.

Hey David,
I enjoyed reading your story. I was able to identify with your hero fairly well and you made her conflict very apparent.
There were a few issues that ran through the work that hurt it though. I'll start with some line edits, then get to the big stuff.

...Unlike most princesses, she was not spoiled. Despite her parents’ efforts. (semicolon after spoiled)

Rosalia’s interests had always irritated, her majesty, (remove first comma)

her turning seventeen the age of issuance, (repetitive, this is the second time you've stated this)

heavily as she entered her personal chambers closing the doors tightly .. Rosalia hurriedly tidied up the mess she had made and then hid the map in her clothing. After that was done she silently .. sarcastically(adverbs -ly rarely add anything to sentences. Some work but the majority are examples of lazy writing.)

A little while latter there was a knock on her chamber door ... I have some important matters I must discuss with my council latter (later, not latter. You use this misspelling consistently)

Rosalia’s best friend and in her mind the closest thing she had to a sister. (remove "in her mind")

Still thinking Rosalia nodded her head in acceptance (comma after thinking)

It had cost over a six hundred golds (no a)

Especially with ever tug of a string as Augustina laced up her dress. (every)

cheer her up as she finished braided Rosalia's long fuchsia colored hair just like her mothers. (braiding, mother's)

It started before the sunset as the nobles families arrived (noble or noble's)

Recounting recent tales from far away lands. (sentence fragment)

princess’s tendency to disagree with her parents’ wishes and her tendency to argue with them over it (repetition of tendency)

Now while the King was angry at his daughter’s behavior, but it was the Queen who responded. (remove the but)

After the “festivities” finally came to an end and the servants started cleaning up the mess. (needs comma not period)

princess like (needs a hyphen)

Keeping one hand on it at all time (times)

had developed the habit of sleeping during his first hour or two of night watch, and only she knew of this habit after discovering him sleeping. (cut the second half)

long creaking sound reviling a large room. (revealing, you consistently make this mistake)

Not the kind to give a person a fair chance if the can help it (they, not the)



Point of View:
There were some minor Point of view shifts in one conversation. If you're going to write third person limited you must stick close to the senses of your character.

Entering the room she noticed Rosalia sitting at her desk drumming her fingers.(we must see things from Rosalina's eyes)

Sensing that Rosalia was reflecting on what she had said she concluded to move on from what they were talking about.

Both of these sentences confuse readers because they are from a different viewpoint then the one we've been reading.


Character Voice:
Each character owns their own vocabulary, cadence, attitude. This must be obvious in their speech.

No, I am afraid I do not know, but what I do know is this: the King has been keeping his plans secret known only to himself and his most trusted advisers.(very stiff dialog, would he talk this way to a friend? he doesn't sound like a knight. This entire conversation needs a rewrite.)

Sigh, it is my father’s planned announcement tonight. I just know it will be something a do not agree with(she wouldn't say Sigh, and the dialog is very stiff here as well, doesn't sound like a worried girl. Contractions are a great way to show haste or irritation for a character that rarely uses them)

Interior dialog should not be quoted, Either write it normally or if you want it to stand out use Italics.

Dialog tags:
I found an excess of dialog/thought tags. Cut half of them and fix your interior dialog and this story will flow much easier.

Passive Verbs:
"...was only three weeks away, so was her age of issuance. Not that she made much of it. Unlike most princesses, she was not spoiled; despite her parents’ efforts. She seemed..." (here we have four sentences, and three of them contain very passive verbs, conjugations of 'to be', (was, was, was, seemed) Try to spin these sentences around and use more active verbs to pull your reader along. This is super important in the first paragraph!)

google E-Prime to learn more.

All in all you have a pretty decent story here. There are a few bumps in its execution and you need to develop your character's voices a bit more but it's a strong start. I'd love some more detail in her fight with the daemon.

Good work. Keep Writing.
Thomas.
3
3
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review for Showering Acts of Joy. It is simply my opinion.

Hello again Matt,
This is a very interesting chapter. I enjoyed the setting of the ether and the characters were well done.
I don't think this would work as a prologue, unless there's a drastic change of characters. Chapter 1 sounds better.

I have a few minor line edits:

she had left him and left him as a shadow of the man he had been. (cut the first left him)

armour (This is a British/Canadian spelling, while I use this naturally myself it is not widely accepted by editors and spell checkers alike. I'd try to Americanize it since they are more in number and less flexible.)

Here, she squeezed his hand firmly (cut Here and firmly)

Malt reached out and touched the last of his companion, and the soul responded by drawing nearer to them, delighting in the freedom of the pure soul. (companions should be plural? Is the horse delighted or Malt or both? might want to clarify)

as soon as she was done. (could instead of was done)

gently, momentarily, lightly, lazily,acrobatically, noticeably (these adverbs add very little to the story/sentence. some of those you use do work, but I'd look at them very closely and cut what you can)

This is a good read and I'd continue to chapter 2 without pause. The magic system is interesting and there have been some very good stories with interactive gods. I think there are lots of possibilities here.

Good Work. Keep Writing.
Thomas.
4
4
Review of A journey  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Qilin,
I think this one is really well done. I didn't catch on to what she was about to do until about half way, I was so tied up with her emotions. You dragged me to the end with her internal dialog. Nicely done.

I don't have any line edits. You seem to have your punctuation under control.

A slightly disturbing and enjoyable read. Thanks.

Keep Writing.
Thomas.
5
5
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey breshke,

This is a pretty solid story. I wish I could know a little bit more of the history of these characters and a little more definition with Patty. Though I expect you had a word limit with this one I'd want you to make it longer to fill it out. I guess I just want more, always a good thing.

I liked Wilson's character and his voice is very strong. Most of us have met people like this. He really brought me into the story.

The only thing that jumps out at me is your use of adverbs. There might be one that I'd keep but the rest seem rather redundant. I'd have a hard look at them and try the story again without them, see what you think.

Good stuff, Keep Writing.
Thomas.
6
6
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Nat,
This chapter doesn't have the action of the first but you've shown strong relationships between the characters and provided an interesting premise.

First off, you have an excess of adverbs. Most of these add nothing to the story. Most 'ly' words add little to the story that can't be done better, in a different way.
"crackling merrily
humming contentedly
briefly in answer"

"into the harsh reality of life" I think you need common-life here to differentiate.

"before turning down the glows and leaving her small wagon."
Ok, here you have an excellent chance to define your world a little bit. This is second time you've mentioned glows and haven't described them at all. Either the lamps are mechanical and mean nothing to the overall story, or they're magical which leans your story in a different direction. If you're going to have a magic system then identifying it and giving basic rules is essential to our understanding of the world. Even a simple sentence on How she interacts with it might be enough.
If the character is comfortable/familiar with this everyday artifact then so should we.

Good stuff. Keep writing.
Thomas.
7
7
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Nat,
I enjoyed reading this first chapter and I like the Faith character quite a lot.

I think your biggest difficulty is that you are telling us what is happening, instead of showing us through the experiences of Faith. Also you need to get deeper into the feelings of the character. It's clear Faith is a take charge type of woman but there is little sense of her thoughts and emotions during her escape.

You get close on two occasions but I think you need more
"A bolt of white-hot anger shot through Faith".

I still struggle with internal dialog in my own writing. It's tough to find that character voice sometimes.
With that I think you can flesh this chapter out into a thicker more satisfying version.

You have a slight need of more commas.
"Faith gripping her knife, she pulled her hem up higher"

"A window across from Faith suddenly swung open, assaulting her with a cold blast of air. She silently crept..."
Problems here with tension/pacing.

"Sounds of violence pierced the air:"

"splattered with the life-blood of nobles"
I'd remove life-, just seems excessive.

Good work. Keep writing
Thomas.
8
8
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.
*UmbrellaB* This is a Member to Member Review for Showering Acts of Joy! *UmbrellaB*


Hey anastasia,

This is an interesting work, the ending was a nice surprise.

Right off the bat I found that you used Howard's name too much.
There is only one male in the story and it's written in his perspective so after using it once you can just switch to He/him.
"Howard He made his way to the beat up Chevy parked in the driveway," You tried here.

I think there are some problems with Point of View throughout the story. If you want to tell an emotional story about a changed man then I have to suggest trying Third Person Limited POV. It lets you get deep into the characters thoughts and helps us sympathize with them. You seem to have written with an omniscient POV and that makes it much more difficult to identify with our characters. You've done a good job of showing emotions from Howard while he's in the store but fail when he's with his wife. As such I can't identify with his situation in the well nor the feelings from his wife.

If you do want to stick with Omniscient then I suggest being much more detailed in what is happening and why. Howard getting into the well is a foolish move, even with a loving wife beside him. "The loud thud, then nothing" Is written in the POV of Howard which goes against the omniscient POV in the next few lines when we're seeing things from Roxy's perspective. We should be more informed as to what is happening than either character is, if you're in Omniscient POV.

I feel that some of the events are contrived. Expanding on Howard's thoughts at the well or in the car would go a long way in telling us how much he's willing to risk to save his 'damn dog'. If you're going to stay in omniscient then you need to push Roxy's internal motivations as well. Why did she wait 25 years? why the well? Did she train the dog to hide and whimper?

Your use of bold in the piece is also ineffective. If you want us to understand that the words are internal dialog, which they aren't, you should use italics.

I think this story would be much stronger if you can solidify your POV and expand on the characters motivations. I would try to expand this to 2000 words. 741 is just too little.

Essential reading for me is Orson Scott Card's "Characters & Viewpoint". I would suggest it for you as well.

These are from his chapter on third person perspective
"As an omniscient narrator, you float over the landscape wherever you want, moving from place to place in the twinkling of an eye. You pull the reader along with you like Superman taking Lois Lane out for a flight, and whenever you see something interesting, you explain to the reader exactly what's going on. You can show the reader every character's thoughts, dreams, memories and desires;"

"The limited third-person narrator, on the other hand, doesn't fly freely over the landscape. Instead, the limited narrator is led through the story by one character, seeing only what that character sees; aware of what that character thinks and wants and remembers, but unable to do more than guess at any other character's inner life. You can switch viewpoint character from time to time, but trading viewpoints requires a clear division-a chapter break or a line space. The limited third person narrator can never change viewpoints in mid-scene"

Good luck and keep writing.
Thomas.
9
9
Review of Gathea CH1  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Eve,

This is an effective piece. You get deep into Cassie thoughts and detail her motivations quite well.

I find however that, in chapter 1, you dive too quickly into her thoughts and leave the reader struggling for context. I would start the chapter with the argument between father and daughter. The introspective lines above are confusing and would fit better later on. Putting Jonathan Guyers as a paragraph itself also threw me off. At first I thought that you were stating your viewpoint character, instead we're knee deep in Cassie's thoughts when we haven't even been introduced to her yet.


"The memory of his visit this morning was still so vivid in my mind, replaying itself endlessly in my thoughts."
should read "his visit that morning" Your narrator should be telling us this story from a time after the whole story has finished.

I found a lack of commas. Read your story out loud and whenever you pause mid sentence, you probably need a comma.

I also found a lot of was's and were's that lend your piece a passive feel. A number of these are used in internal dialog and they work there, just try not to use these while describing actions.

I find your prolouge to be useful in only one way. It gives me an indication of a magic system. It's only a hint, but it works. I would suggest a little more world building substance or forshadowing to make it worthy of being a prolouge.

It's a pretty good chapter and you have characters with a lot of potential. I just hope the action picks up soon. A few unexpected twists to this common plot would be necessary too.

I also noticed that you use Gathea as a title yet Gathaea is used later.

Good work. Keep writing.
Thomas.
10
10
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Jake,

Right of the start I have to say I have little experience with poetry.

This work is simple, precise and effective. I like your word choices and I think it flows quite well. There's also some pretty good emotion going, for me anyway, especially in the last lines.

My only real suggestion is a comma after ancestors. Wish I could add more, but it's pretty tight piece.

Keep writing.
Thomas.
11
11
Review of Amanda's Cry  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Damaris,

You have an interesting story here. However, it feels more like an outline than a fleshed out short story. The strength of most stories relies on characters and the writing style here is very distant from your characters. I highly suggest researching into Point of View, specifically third person limited, and Character Voice. Orson Scott Card has a book called "Characters & Viewpoint" which I found very helpful.

If you're looking to write in horror you need to get into the thoughts of the characters who are experiencing that horror. Give us details on how they feel and react to the situations around them. Most of your story is step by step physical interactions. We find out very little about Karen. You could use her interactions/dialog with her mother/the ghost to demonstrate her own opinion and motivations.

Speaking of Dialog, there are huge tracks of exposition 'telling' us the setup for your story. You should involve the mother in telling us the background of the house and then have Karen's Internal Dialog show us how she feels about it. That way we can invest in the characters at the same time we learn about the history.

There are some formatting problems with the posted text. I'll assume most of it is accidental. However one thing to remember, if there is a new speaker, then you need to start a new paragraph. If your text is properly organized then you can also cut down on your dialog tags (said, thought, mentioned) We'll know there's a new speaker because of the new paragraph. Check out published fiction books and the way their dialog is laid out on the page.

Cutting extra words, that don't add much to the story, is also helpful in keeping the story moving and interesting.
"A long time ago on a dark, cold, mysterious night, a girl named Karen was walking home from soccer practice and as she walked, she saw the house everyone called the House of Darkness"
Can be cut down to "One cold night as Karen walked home from soccer she passed the House of Darkness."

There is a lot of possibility with this story, but you really need to dig into the feelings of the characters to make it work. Keep trying. Each time you rewrite you get better. (I typically rewrite each of my chapters, after a little feedback or time away)

Thomas.
12
12
Review of The Tenant of 306  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.
Hey Blackwell,

This is an effectively disturbing piece.

It seems to be written with an omniscient point of view and yet Adam and his motivations still come across.

However this point of view distances us from Adam and his state of mind. My biggest suggestion is to rewrite this in either a first or third person point of view and really get us deep into Adam's thoughts. I've had to do this before myself and it was an improvement.

Otherwise I found an excess of description and a gluttony of useless adverbs (adverbs are almost always useless). Trimming extra words will make this story more streamlined and easier to read. We don't need to be told what he puts into his coffee machine. If you cut at least 10% it'll make this a more effective story.

I also found practically no action for the first 4 paragraphs. Even with the great tone that you developed I found it difficult to be engaged with the story. Once Gemma introduced herself, the story took off.

I think your first "My dear Vanessa" spoiled the murder at the end. You can use this last murder to amplify his mental distress, but it needs to be uncertain whether he'll do it or not.

"immediately, Adam began to perk up, now fully alert" Which is it? immediately or just beginning?


A few line edits as well, though there were more that I spotted.

You use It's and it should be its, on one occasion.

"to block of the bedroom door." should be off

"and through her down against the floor." threw her to the floor.

"A large red whelp began to form" should be welt

"over-sized amount laundry he was hauling downstairs" need an of

"removing one less loud noise from this society. " more not less

"he sat in his car most nights for her to come home" need a waiting.

Also, I don't think pupils dialate after death.

It's clear you have skill with description and tone, and Adam is an interesting character.

Keep writing and think seriously about shifting your point of view. One book that helped me greatly is Orson Scott Card's Characters & Viewpoint.

Good luck.
Thomas.
13
13
Review of Worlds  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hey Serafina,

You've got a very interesting story here, even if it is a bit hard to follow. The personification of each of the character's state of mind adds some depth and understanding for what they're going through. This is very important considering your omniscient point of view.

One glaring problem is that you need more commas. Try reading your story out loud. If you pause mid sentence then you need a comma.

Minor problems in paragraph 4)
"One day while her torment" While should be when
"She asked other" needs to be others

paragraph 6) A darker form of Wicked (the one that affects Shadow) should be defined just like Deceit was later in relation to Light
"She wanted light to be her's forever" Need that association.
Rewrite the last sentence. Perhaps At instead of Only.

7)"He abandoned Shadow one day without warning" It seems like he already left her. This is excessive and should be cut.

8)"who she named Salvation" should be whom.

I was into the story and quite interested in what was going to happen. The changing names made for a more difficult read but I think the story works fairly well regardless.

Nice work.

Thomas.
14
14
Review of walls  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Will,

I don't know much about poetry but I like this poem. Simple, effective and no confusion. Excellent.

In the sixth paragraph (stanza?) I would expect it to say "i see no light"

I also really like the lack of capitalization. Combine that with the desperation that I'm sure this person is feeling and their helplessness and insignificance comes through quite well.

Thomas.
15
15
Review of Whisper Of A Name  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is for Showering Acts of Joy. It is a matter of opinion and nothing in it should be taken personally.

Hello, Elemenopy

You have a somber and detailed story here. I really felt for the character, lost in her death throws, striving for purpose.

It might just be because it's late but I had difficulty following the main character and her involvement. It might simply be because of the first person narrative of the story contains a first person narrative of another story. I understand what you're aiming for but perhaps a third person perspective might simplify things, course you might also end up losing some connection with the main character that way. Tough to say.

In the first paragraph I found 'trite' to be unusual. I would rewrite the sentence as "As revelation became stale I felt myself slipping .."
But then I don't know what her revelation was so the next line "I was lost" was a relief. So was I. It's effective at showing the mental state of this dead lady but not effective in setting the stage (purgatory?) for the story.

I also find that your use of "love" as an identifier is limited. There are no other emotions described in this story and so love has nothing to contrast against. You say the boy is no longer love, then what is he? Jealousy, Pride, Vanity? I think being more descriptive of either the boys feelings or defining his motivations in the field will help balance everything out and so give your theme of love more validity. There is no light without shadow.

I would never expect the grim reaper to tell me a story like this. It is strong but I think it has some balance issues. Interesting stuff. Keep going.

Thomas.
16
16
Review by Thomas Forsdike
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A very intense piece. Full of emotion and detail.

I think the biggest problem overall is the present tense. Past tense is a much more natural read. I've had to rewrite scenes of this length before and it was an improvement. Try it and save the backup in case you don't like it any better.

You also need some serious cutting. I'd say you could lose 30% of the words and still get all your meaning across in a much cleaner way.

Word choice is also an issue. Does your character really have a vocabulary this diverse and extensive. It's great to use English as it can be used but the words have to fit inside the universe of the character.

Your Internal Dialog is effective however there is so much physical discomfort described that it borders on melodrama.

' Ice soars through my veins, a subtle burn following it, as my chest began to contract into a tight, hefty ball as if it were turning into stone. My stomach's knots fitted up, ripping through me in a sensation only one could consider excruciating. '

This took me out of the story. Either the wording took me out of character or it just felt forced and excessive.

It's a good story and if you cut it up and pull it back together it'll be even better.
17
17
Review of Crossed Paths  
Review by Thomas Forsdike
Rated: E | (2.5)
Well I'm a little confused. At first I thought this character was struggling with the threat of cancer in her life, but then she mentions despair so maybe she lost someone already. Then the character becomes engrossed in a random guy walking, almost teasing her with his presence. The last sentence flew over my head completely, how is it terrifying? She recognized him, felt compassion when he lit his 'cigarette' because of the cold and then it all turns around with an apple? Unless the apple signifies cancer in some way, like the cigarette should, I'm sure I've missed the point.

You also use a lot of passive verbs, was and seemed. Any version of the verb 'to be' is going to slow down and make your story passive. I suggest improving the pacing with some stronger verbs. Triumphantly needs to be removed also. Tell us what makes her a winner in a different way.

You've done a decent job with internal dialog but I don't learn much about the woman herself through her voice, it's mostly logistical.
Also remove the "I thought" tag, we're deep enough in her thoughts that it's obvious she's thinking it.
18
18
Review by Thomas Forsdike
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It's an interesting piece. You have strong internal dialog and the voice of the character comes across rather well. Very selfish mindset.

However in the first two sentences you mention what I have to assume are two different locations, the airport and home, I didn't know where the navy blue carpet was located. I had to reread it after realizing she was now thinking of her childhood house. You might be able to get away with this later in the piece but not at the very beginning. Things aren't cleared up until the fourth sentence.

Public school is free where I live. I can understand choosing to home school but that choice is rarely because of money.

"just barely" needs to be removed.

"It's wasn't dad" should be "It wasn't dad"
"He close to dying" should be "He's close to dying"

It's an effective story, just needs some clarity and to be cleaned up a little.
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