Obviously you have a talent here that can develop. A few things though.
first stanza gets everything started down the path you are going to follow although you make your primary character seem weak.
second stanza; seems to me second line should be from the secondary character and then turn 3 & 4 back to your primary.
third stanza, third line, need to turn I & all around.
fourth stanza, first line 'for all' instead of 'of all'.
and the fourth stanza to me makes the first stanza incorrect since the first stanza was just last night and already your character has found someone and the secondary is going crazy.........kinda quick....i think you probably could make it work with a different sort of metaphor. Look it over, do some rewriting, keep in mind that writing is hard work and mostly KEEP on KEEPING on.
tom
I think you have a wonderful start to something that might expand far beyond the restraints of poetry to express. Great concept, lovely names of species and good to relate it to the author as observor. Love"too fair to be a Hellthing, and too kind to be evil" great bunch of words there. Write on, will be watching it.
tom
The first line disturbs me a bit as I don't relate the "bakers" drift bit. I think you did a good job of creating a rhyming set of words but feels to me like a morning prayer, which I suppose a lot of poetry is. I would encourage you to work it over a bit, with the understanding that writing is tremendously hard work. If not most of us would be standing in line at the bank to deposit our checks. You did a good job, I think you can do a better one. Keep on though. Write on.
tom
You have a start. Too short for any good judging but I'll try.
"What happened to you two?" demanded Dr. Wharbler as he stared fixedly at the two before him. A quick flash of lightning seemed to puctuate his words.
Joe, sopping wet with a damp blanket around him kept spitting as if he could not stand the taste on his tongue.
Billy Bob(or whatever you call them) seemed to be dry but kept rocking nervously back on forth, his head rapidlly twisting side to side as if searching.
Just an observation, but even with the two cold dudes, some dialogue from them might paint the picture.
Sounds though like something I would like to read. Write on my friend, write on.
tom
I think you could tighten this a bit and make it even better. What I think you should really do is continue with the theme you have here and go into even more depth of understanding what has happened, what could have been different and what are the ramifications of any decision you might make about these so called friends. I don't know how old you are.....I would think young and if so, then you got lot's of time to figure this all out. If not, ? Keep writing, you have a great start and it seems that you certainly have talent.
tom
Just the words "smell my wart" make this a worthwhile read. And to have her walk away from the candy is a great bit to put in here. Thanks for a fun read prior to halloween.
tom
I think you have a great image from which to work. It seems to me that you maybe hurried through this piece to get it finished and posted. Couple of suggestions:
A 11 year old girl was,,,,,etc....
Try: Strolling along kicking up dust, Elizabeth's(or what ever you want to call her) curiosity was piqued by what she saw. There on the ground was a crimson red arrow wrapped in a disgustingly mouldy green leaf that once was yellow. It was pointing in the direction of an old house just off the road.............
Try to show us what is there and make us feel what she is seeing/doing without so much of the telling. Even the line about being cold. Maybe bring in dialogue. "Sure is cold for an afternoon", she muttered quietly as she observed the shattered glass all over the ground. 'shattered glass' implies 'pieces'. Remember, writing is a very hard job. But keep at it, you have a good piece to start re-writing from and honing until it sparkles. Write on!
tom
Another beautifully done piece. Especially like when you say "freedom and madness the same." Huge statement and probably more truth there than most of us would ever want to admit to. And by the way, you as a writer can say "when reality ends". After all, it IS YOUR reality. Right? Good job again.
tom
Son's of the Pioneers, Ghost Riders in the Sky, ripe figs, Morinci copper mines, horned toads, memories all, came to mind as I read this piece. You certainly captured your home and showed it with some excellent combinations of words. I hope you keep on.
tom
I'm sure there is something not quite right about this in structure although I'm not expert enough to know what it is. What I do know is that it is a delightful and funny read. I have lain awake so many times trying hard to identify some sound that made itself known. Usually it turns out to be birds on the roof, gutter or the ground outside my bedroom window. Really good job. Write on, Write on, praise your muse! Write on!.
tom
Roisin, I like this very much. It is a delightful read with some wonderful word combinations. I especially liked "whimsical notions of A sunny day" and the "downtrodden seriousness of the storm". The confusion at the end is good also. Many of us probably feel that way and just did know how to put it to word. Good job. Keep it up.
tom
Your words provide some very good visuals in the first two stanza's and I like very much how you put them together. I assume this is free form poetry and not some specific form. If specific, I like to see in the title/description some identifier. That helps people like me who are not heavily versed in poetry. I'm just learning various forms myself so my review is mostly on how the poem makes me feel. The only problem I have is the last stanza and last word "oblivion"....I'm not quite sure what you are trying to tell us with that. I can see a suicide pact.........I can see them leaving home together and never returning and I can see them moving apart.......I suppose literature is mostly for what the reader takes from it, but in this case a bit more specific. Let me know if you will. I liked it very much though. Keep on !!
After reading "Shattered Glass" I had to read this also. It seems you have had some very severe events in life lately. I sense though that you have a good grasp on your emotional state and can see through the life event of death and understand that it is one more page turning so matter that we can't see the reasoning behind the taking of lives so early.
Nothing can be said. You have said it all in this and how sad the joy of it is. This is the kind of unfortunate event that no matter how sad gives the fodder from which we can create even more meaningful prose to share with others. Maybe everyone that reads this will give thought to those lost and also to the care they should exercise at all times. Thank you for a wonderful piece of writing.
OMG !!! That is absolutely wonderful. To an old cynic like me I ate this up in a hurry.........WOW !!! You should turn this into a book. It felt as if you had picked all the crap out of the newspapers for the last five years or so and compressed it here. Write on, brother/sister/confused, write on !
Tough answers as I would think most of us would fit between a couple of them. I would examine my life and see if I could find where I had not lived up to the expectations of my faith. I would also try to examine my life to see if I had indeed benefited by following faithfully my beliefs and if I had, I would be comforted by the knowledge that my beliefs got me where I was. If I discovered that my life had not benefited then I would try to discover where I had gone wrong in placing my faith in that particular set of belief structure.
Look around you, this is really happening every day. It is just that it is men who claim to be spokesmen for God who are saying it and not God Himself.
Good poll.
i have read through part of this page before, but i seem to have spent more time trying to produce readable pieces than i have actually learning more about the site. i am going to set a goal of at least 1/2 hour daily to read through help pages and site guidance in additional to trying to learn how to write. thanks.
I like this one also, but not as well as "Shadows" which speaks deeply to anyone who has had a truly good life with their parents. thanks for this one also though.
tom
Longest Haiku I've ever read but very enjoyable. You should take a look at the Japanese poetry forum. If you enjoy haiku and other forms of Japanese poems you would love it there. Keep writing.
Beautifully done.......I'm 64 and lost my father back in 92 but daily I think about him. Thank you, I'll make sure my kids and grandkids read this.
tom
Enjoyed this very much although quite depressing...I hope if this is from experience you got through it ok and if from the heart you have found a new sun shining in the mornings. Keep on keeping on !!
i looked at your crossword puzzles, decided you and i are eons apart in age, but i really like your work. this is another disturbing bit of writing that paints a very vivid image......great job! keep on keeping on
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