I have looked all over the place for a good definition for hexaduad. I like your definition, but i think you inverted a few words in your definition. I think the last two lines should invert the phrases "rhyme scheme with "syllabic structure." I base this upon examining your excellent poem. In your poem I especially liked the last line "You are to me pure poetry." I wish I had written that line!
Hi Ke San, sorry it's taken me so long to get back too you. I like this one. My favorite line is "Lying back to back, Staring at the clouds- I have found you there" Seems the character only deals w/a imaginary person not a real person. You couched it well.
Hi Sean, a dark poem reminds me of that quote by who, I don't know "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" The first time I heard that quote I was in the middle of a breakup w/a girl and a "friend" told it to me. It didn't help
I enjoy your use of animal imagery to tell your story.
In the first line you use " I'd had". "I'd" is a contraction for "I had" you may want to change that to "I had" or just "I'd"
Fitz, you're wrong; you are a poet! So keep on writing the stuff.
I like what you did here, you took a viewpoint, real or fiction and stuffed it full of thoughts and emotion.
I like the organization of the poem. Opening and closing with "I am not a poet" and ending each stanza with it too. It gives bones to the poem to hang the meat on.
Hi dutchessbarbie, thought I would take a peak at some poetry, I like the way you started to format this, however you decided to stop with the bold font SHE"s so CUTE.. I think you should keep it in it's a unifying line like a refrain in a song. A good poem.
Hi Magoo, I think you did a good job of being inside a young child's head, I assume a boy. Your rhyming scheme you followed top to bottom and made it look easy. My suggestion to improve this is to break it into stanzas. It would be easier to read, especially for young readers. I think young readers would appreciate this work. Use or Lose my suggestion as you please. You're the poet.
Hi again Crimson Goth, told cha I'd review one for ya to return the favor. I read this several times. I really like it my favorite part is the repeated line at the end of each stanza.
" Because I love him".
The way you use this line brings unity to each stanza. Because you unify each stanza the same way, it brings unity to the poem as a whole, I am sure this was no accident. Good Job. Keep up with your writing, you got talent, develop it.
Hi P.S., I have two thoughts to pass along, first I think I have heard all of these at least once at some point in my life. My second point is this. I have noticed that even when someone says an annoying cliche; I should pay attention to their heart's motive. Is this person speaking sincerely and doing their best to express themselves or am I receiving the emotional support equivalent of bad fast food.
This one bothers me the most "He/She is in a better place now." I use to feel so dumb,now I just remain dumb, silent that is, how do they know this wonderful news? What blessed bulletin board do they have access too. I have never seen it.:)
Hi I like the thoughts that are behind this poem but I think you could rewrite this and make it clearer. How do I know these are God's footprints and fingerprints from the text? This is the first stanza, I think it should clearly state - to the reader- what you mean.
My favorite line "in all that we see
is a calling from thee"
This line flows well and has clear meaning
In the 4th stanza L1 it reads
"theres denying"
from context I think you want
"there's no denying"
This is a tough review I know. I hope it helps you grow as a writer though. You seem to have some good things to say; you just need to work on the delivery.
Hi Shari, I like your story. You obviously drew on your RN experiences to frame this Love story so well. I thought your dialog was very realistic. Things aren't what they always seem are they.
The only suggestion I have is for the last line. It seems heavy. I think something like "The staff all turned away,heads down" or "Heads down, the staff all turned away" Any thinking reader will understand the line after all the previous comments by the staff concerning the father.
Hi Bill I like this.My favorite lineis from about the 8th paragraph
"Drones stripped of themselves"
I did not see any grammar errors.
The only thing that seemed confusing to me is the guards are called shepherds in the 5th paragraph from the end. Everywhere else they are referred to as tamers.
What about this
Hi C.O. I like the tone and message of remembrance.
I like 4th stanza
"Never saw your hand
holding my bag from behind
sharing my burden
in a way, i could never find"
A couple suggestions
The 3rd stanza's last line is not as clear to me as the rest of the poem. It's meaning is buried while the rest of the poem is right at surface.
The first stanza only has 3 lines while the other five stanzas have 4 lines. It throws off the appearance or visual balance of the poem. I would add a line to the 1st stanza or subtract a line from the last stanza.You could combine lines 1 & 2 of the last stanza. Something like this
"i seek for that divine hand
but i look back now
and the baggage is all mine"
This is a fine poem too me. It just needs some fine tuning by the poet to make it even better
Hi Aeriko, I like your poem. I'm sorry you have experienced so much pain in your life. But I'm glad you met Jesus along the way.He's our healer isn't he.
What I like best about this poem is it opens and closes with "I was a child of abuse" this sets such a tone at the beginning,the hopelessness of the world and points so much to Christ, our hope, at the end.
Hi Ida, I like your poem. The honesty with yourself in this poem really makes it shine to me.You maintained the ABAB rhyming all the way through. Good job
Some changes I would do if this was mine.
In the first verse I would change the order of the words so that the first word of each line is the noun being described. It would look something like this
"Hair, soft, long and flowing
Cheeks-----
Eyes----
Ears---"
Look at the vertical first words. To me this is an attention getting device. Another way to see your describing your face.
Also I would read through and cut as many words as possible. It helps me to think this way. I need my nouns, verbs and maybe an adjective or two but do I really need all those articles. More often than not I can rearrange the words in a line to make it more effective and shorter. As a poet you want to distill your thoughts. Communicate them as concise as possible ,get rid of words. It's not words we want but thoughts,emotions or maybe facts in the shortest concise way possible inside the form we're using.Even if it's free form.
I hope this is what you were looking for in a review
I hope you do well when you enter this in the contest. Win or Lose doesn't matter though; you've gained more experience for the next poem or contest
I like this- right to the edge of disaster then "no." So much build up. I thought I knew where it was going. I saw a choice of 2 directions but you cleverly surprised me and took neither but a choice I foolishly didn't see. A good surprise too. I like the use of the repeated stanza. Changing the sentences around in the re3peated stanza works well. And I like the way this looks on the page,not the standard format.
I think this poem is about a person who reaches for life goals that are meaningless while ignoring the important things in life. Then the person dies and is buried having had a fruitless life.
I think you may want to work on the line
"or the old pickin' and grinnin'"
this line does not convey 'senior citizens' as well the other lines convey their meaning. That is what the line means to me.
I really like your message in this poem. It seems to sum up the important points of the writer's relationship with her Dad.
There are a couple of things You could do to make this better
1-a couple of typos: in line 3 change had to hand,
in the 3rd line from the end- it's existence. One of those words that always sends me to a dictionary.
2-You may want to think about breaking this into stanzas so it is easier on the eyes to track and not get lost in while reading. It would be a shame if you lost readers half-way through because they lost their place.
You seem to have expressed yourself very well here with well chosen words.
All of my suggestions are just that. Suggestions. Your the author. Use or discard as you please.
Hi qaz4,This is good modern haiku. Your 3rd line was very humorous to me It seems the first 2 lines set this up well.
The only suggestion I have is to make the 2nd line start with a lower case letter "peeking" instead of "Peeking."
Ask yourself-why did I use uppercase here. This appears to be 2 well-constructed sentences. The 3rd line a complete sentence.I know it's a fine point but construction of haiku is all about fine points.
I like your style here. Also the use of the repeated phrase for the last line of each stanza. You have encapsulated your daughter's(I assume) life very well up to the point of the closing of this poem.
I see 2 issues you could change to make this better
1- a typo in the 4th stanza, last line."a a" should be "a" in the first statement of the repeated phrase. Easy fix.
2-Work out your rhyme in 3rd & 4th line of 2nd stanza. my suggestion
"baby feet find a working truce
Cuteness let loose, cuteness let loose"
it maintains your syllable count or choose something else. I find myself getting hung up on words sometime(I gotta have this or these words- when the important thing is communicating an idea. Once I focus on the idea to communicate ,not a specific word or set of words-the right words come faster.
I like this poem, I plan on reading more of yours in the future.
I like this. I like the 3 "B" words-big, bright, beautiful you use in the 1st line. Also the sense of awe in this poem. I see in your bio your new here. Welcome. I have some suggestions for you on how to improve this. However your the writer here-use or ignore as you please.
1.In the first line- drop your 1st "and" a comma will do.
you may want to drop "the" before "pale"
2.In the last line drop "that"
I like the ideas you seek to communicate in this poem.
In my opinion you have some extra words in this poem. Most poets try to write with as few words possible. Read your poem aloud. Ask yourself Do I need all these words to express my ideas? Where can I play editor and strike some? Have fun. Make it a game! Delete and reshape. Then do it till you can't do it anymore. I know your new here and you may not like what I wrote; but if you truly want to get better at your craft you need some pruning like the rest of us here at WDC.
Welcome to the "Pruning Hurts Club":)
I think your a talented writer or I would not have given this review
I like your cat story. particularly the way you describe the bonding of the two. The way you draw William Harrison in makes this more interesting to non-animal lovers. I believe he was the president that became ill from exposure on his inauguration day and died a few weeks later unlike your cat who survived its exposure.You may work that contrast into your story for more interest.
Tracy
If you like cat stories,check out "My cat gives high praise" at my port in the "Haiku" folder.It's a Haiku so it's just 3 lines
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