Hi Ana,being a divorced father this hits home with me. I know my sons would probably find common ground with you on many of these points of loss and pain you write of.
I like the line "Hardened head or hardened heart?" It well describes the causes of divorce.
In the 2nd line. Do you mean "lives"
In the 4th stanza,3rd line your verbs Growing and grown would flow better if you used one tense.I think present tense would work best.
I saw from your bio poetry is new to you- to write. You seem to do a fine job of expressing yourself. I like the way you used two well-known authors names in this to express thoughts that would have taken many more words than the 4 words of their names A great economy of words. I wish I did as well in my checkbook!
Hi Bruno, I liked this poem.It leads all over the place; I was about to give up on it when you brought it all together with the last 2 lines "But it seems that little part of me Is the part I gave to you" It's the keystone for this poem. A very clever thing you've done here.
Hi Kat, You have written this very well. Your tone is even not hysterical as some may handle such a subject. Personal yet universal family experiences that are written in a manner the reader can relate too them.
I don't know how to improve this. Your skills are more than adequate to relate this story by the written word. I hope you seek a publisher for this.
Hi John, I like your poem. I recognize three scriptures. 2 from Genesis and 1 from Ephesians. I also like the over all comforting tone of "When my Father speaks to me."
The only thing I would change is the 2nd line "A faint whisper, a gentle longing,my spirit" to what you have in the 3rd line of the last stanza "A faint whisper, a gentle longing of my spirit"
Hi Morgan, sorry its taken so long to review one for you.
I like this. Its raw in it's emotion.
I really like the line "My rage resting;my pain subsides" also "I'm dreaming. Sadly, you witness my ugly reality" Is this a song it looks like one.
The only thing I can suggest is to drop the commas and semicolons. I think dashes would work better because they fit more with the raw emotions of this poem. Just my suggestions. Your the writer.
Hi I liked your blog approach. Clothes are nice and girls always want to hear about them. But tell us about the people who wear those clothes too. What are their future goals and hopes. Tell us how you all work through the problems you have. Life is more than clothes; at least I think it should be.
Keep writing, keep writing and keep writing, Tracy Lewis
Hello Hi, I liked the message in this story of how after 21 years of imprisonment Jon advoids bitterness and begins working to help other innocent people from going to jail.
Some of your spellings are to show accents. You may want to use an apostrophe in place of the missing letters in those words to let those not familiar with the accents you use know those words are altered
Hi Fyn, I like this. Blending personal history with the nation's history and romance. Well Done
The only thing that seemed awkward to me was the 3rd paragraph line "..whispered into the wind". Who wispered? maybe "the wind whispered"or "mother duck whispered into the wind" or "he whispered into the wind" or last but not least "I whispered into the wind" But it's just my suggestions Hope this is helpful
Hi Leto, I like your poem, your message comes through clearly, wrapped-up in the last stanza. I like the first stanza too.
One thing you may want to look at, the agreement of tense in 1st stanza "trees" and "hand" do you mean "hands" Seems to me it should be "hands" because you have "trees". Or do you mean "hand" collectively for all the trees? A good poem regardless
Hi Tabitha, I was going to return the review you gave me for "Back in the Day"
I like this piece,I read it several times and each time it got better
I like the use of "shallowing" in the first verse.
This seems relaxed and unassuming-a good thing here.
I would be remiss if I didn't encourage you to teach yourself grammar-I read your bio. Grammar is to writing what traffic laws are to driving-annoying at times
but it helps us arrive at our destination in one piece!
I am originally from the South in the USA. As a child I thought grammar was something created by Northerners to torture Southern children:) I am still not the best at it. If you search WDC there are helpful resources available. Also on the web grammar resources are available Start slowly if you want, in time your writing will be better, and reach more people
Keep Writing, Tracy Lewis
Hi And Stuff, I 'm wanted to return your review of my poem. I like this poem I wish it were longer so the reader knew more about the emotional crisis and more about the angel. This is good stuff, though its short this poem seems to have found it's groove.
one thing you may want to look at in the 2nd stanza-3rd line the word "and" I think should be "an"- It makes much better sense as "an"
Keep writing, Tracy Lewis
P.S.- noticed you havn't posted anything for sometime. I hope you post some new stuff soon. email and i'll review
Hi wild_honeybee, this is about the 3rd piece of yours I have reviewed. Your writing style seems consistent in all pieces. I like the way you speak your mind in such an un pretentious way. I will drop by again when I get the chance. If you would-drop by my port and review something.
Hi Shannon, one of my sisters is a RN to, your tone in this writing hits right on with how she talks about her work of 25 years. Like you she is very closed lipped about identities of patients. What I liked most about this is it's natural feel not forced anywhere.
The only thing I would change is how you treat the word plethora in the first paragraph. Plethora is a noun instead of an adjective. I think in the first paragraph write "a plethora of opportunities for" This is at the beginning where it might cause a refusal letter if you ever submit for publication.
Hi Lacey jane, I think this is the best piece in your port. Your just getting started here, don't have much in your port yet, so I looked for the one that in my opinion is best. I like this because you maintained your rhyming pattern from top to bottom. You told a story that many women could relate to personally. This is written in warm tones which make for a good read. I hope to see you post more of your work in the future.
Hi Elisa, this is great. I like the way it unfolds naturally, but I had no idea where it was going till the last line. A real slice of life I presume.
This is what I would do If it was my poem-suggestions for you
1. In the 2nd line-strike "covered in" and insert "of"
2. 8th line thru 10 line I find confusing to the reader. If I touch the frame why would that lead me to tell you anything about how you felt in the park that day
3.8th line strike"in a weird tint of turquoise" but if you want to keep the thought strike "in" insert "its" maybe its a guy thing but "in" here confuses me!
4. maybe expand and tell the reader why you can't relax "in the arms of my love"
Overall I like the impressions this poem makes.
You bring it all about in an unhurried way that is relaxing to read
Hi Pete I liked your song. I thought it had a good hook "It is not that rare" This song trades an of-repeated hook for a chorus. Some songs are quite fine like this with no chorus. Are you happy with the musical accompanyment. If your music is as good as your lyrics, in your own musical genre, I think the song should be fine. I liked each of the stanzas content. In the 2nd to last stanza, the last line change "their" to "they're"
Hi Quaz4, I like this poem It seems to be a coming-of-age poem. I really like "I don't know what it is, but it's there I'll admit, we've hit the crisis,but it just won't quit" There's a mystery I have yet to understand is what I hear in this Sometime you seem to write the confusion and then sometimes you write about the confusion. Hope that connects. What I mean is when you write what's "in" your heart not write "about" what's "in" your heart you get a more powerful message.It's like listening to live music instead of having someone who was there listening, tell you about what he or she heard.
Hi Andraya, I like this because it conveys thoughts and emotions. Some writers can't seem to do both at the same time. I know a lasting relationship is over before it began from the 1st & 2nd stanza-thoughts. Loneliness and unfulfilled yearnings for love are in the 2nd and last stanza-emotions. The way you use your words is not safe and sterile. A mature healthy heart must think and feel something when reading this for a mature heart encompasses thoughts and emotions. Not safe for the timid heart. Great job and well done.
Hi Kjo I liked the way this came across in a comfortable style. The conversations seems real not stuffed. You tackled a subject that is current for our times. I liked the way you had many siblings to represent different emotional responses to their mother's illness. Your ending was not what I expected, but it seemed to flow with the story regardless.
The only thing I would change is "were" to "we're", the 2nd word in the 15th section from the end,the section starts with "ELIZABETH". A typo I think.
This is the best piece of yours i have read so far in my opinion. i have had this realization many times in my life it becomes plateau after plateau. save gps 4a nu voice.
hi kerri, i like this because it has just 17 words but you still packed it full of meaning and emotion. its a situation many of us have found ourselves in at least once or twice.
you describe that terrible feeling of knowing w/your head love is gone,leaning on lost love,then realizing w/your heart this love is truly gone, just memories now.
i like the message here. if you listen to your favorite songs you'll find that the chorus almost always has some rhyme. try this it changes the 'tude
"sorry i wasn't good enough for you,
why can't i let you go?
Baby, maybe your the sorry one,
guess all along i knew
Still thinkin' of you
turns my heart blue."
this may not be what you like but it brings home the emotional bacon
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