Being a tennis player myself, you've grabbed me with this one. I love your frame by frame descriptions. the reader can easily see what's going on here. solid read!
i do have a few suggestions you may want to consider. I notice the item type is marked as 'assignment' and since i am not privy to the assignment giver's instructions, my suggestions may not apply.
LY words. You use plenty in this short item. The drawback to using LY words is they are interpretive...just how quickly did the player move his feet? push hair from his eyes? your point, as the author can be lost or misread...you can convey a stronger message by avoiding some of your LY words. Your sentence: He is a bear hovering mercilessly over the peaceful salmon calmly swimming so near. My suggestion: He is a bear, hovering, with unmerciful paws, honing in on peaceful salmon swimming, oblivious of his intent.
the word 'that'. consider reworking your sentences where you aren't using the word 'that' as often. doing so will lighten up your sentences thus giving the reader a more pleasant ride. Your sentence: ...his stern expression is that of... My suggestion: his stern expression is one of
Your sentence: ...one that doesn’t affect the spectators but that can slightly deviate the trajectory of such a small and light projectile My suggestion: ...a gust undetectable by spectators, but strong enough to nudge the trajectory off track, even for such a small and light projectile.
I love your frame by frame approach. it's a fantastic piece. Always read your work out loud. it gives you a better reader's perspective.
Great post. i look forward to rummaging around your port.
robin
oh my gosh. i loved this. a complexity of feelings rolled tightly into a few stanzas for an absolute excellent read! I can't even decide which lines are my favorite. L8 and L12 really speak to me but the last two lines envelope me.
It takes courage to write such strong words, even if they are fictional!
The first stanz is great...grabs me, engages me and i want to read more.
find out about the person whome the author hates and why. which you told us in the last line.
oh goodness! what a little endearing tale you have here. what a nice way to teach young children about death. have you thought about adding illustrations for this one? a picture of Cindy with Buttons and then, all those farm animals the parents talked about.
i love the happy life goes on ending.
robin
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You really are such a wonderful poet! You capture emotion, description, depth...and still adhere to the acrostic corm. not always easy to do. You seem to deliver with ease. great poem. thank you for posting. what a lovely read to start our the new year.
Hello there, deadpoetz, and welcome to writing.com.
I hope you find this site fun, useful and addictive as i do.
I just finished reading your work "Untitled" and wanted to comment.
Your words have a solid beginning. You have created the wanting and than the acceptance people feel at wanting to hold on to moments and but realizing they can’t.
I do have a suggestion or two to make but remember these are only suggestions an you must do what feels right for you and this creation.
Consider adding more imagery of the stopping of the sand. My eyes watch helpless.
Sand trickles down
Through thin glass
change your Item Type. Poetry or Prose are examples of what would work.
Remember, these are just my suggestions. This piece does have universal appeal as we have all wished we could hold on to a particular moment.
What a debut entry you've posted. Your item is told with pace and description and I can see with ease, the story you've conveyed. Solid job.
I do have a few suggestions you may want to consider.
While this story stands well on it's own, i think these changes will make it all the more tight.
Balance in structure. You may want to change the structure in a few of your sentences, doing so will ad to the entertainment for the reader as well as provide a much smoother ride.
Here's how: Your Sentence: She grabbed a Hello Kitty cup... My Suggestion: Grabbing a Hello Kitty cup...
Your Sentence: My five year old son, Ethan, heard the commotion and came down to “help”. He hopped around on the stairs screaming encouragement (and just screaming) while I screamed at him to be quiet.
My Suggestion: Ethan, my five year old son, heard the commotion and came down to “help”. He by hoppeding around...
Also, during the second paragraph, you use the LY words a lot as well at the BE verbs. I think these sentences could benefit from a bit of tightening up.
Here's how: Your Sentence: There was a loud crunch and a thump. My Suggestion: After hearing a loud crunch, followed by a thump, we froze and stared at each other in silence.
Your Sentence: The Hello Kitty cup had rolled under the chair and was crushed to bits. My Suggestion: Shattered pieces of the Hello Kitty cup lay underneath one leg of the recliner.
Again, this telling stands solid on it's own, however, i think with a bit of tightening up, and variation in sentence structure, this piece will shine!
I just finished reading "You Are My Angel" and wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.
First off, it's a sweet poem, but it contains lots of typos.
L1 should be: You're my angel I see every night...
L2 You may want to consider using another word for 'there' as you use it two times in a row. Also, the second 'there' should be There's.
L4 change 'your' to 'you're both times.
You might want to copy and paste this into a word document...to help catch all the typos. And, fixing these will provide the reader with a much smoother ride as they read through your poem.
I do like the presentation. and it is a sweet read.
Thanks,
RobinA ** Image ID #1188732 Unavailable **
this was a fun read. Once i got into the vernacular of the writing, i relaxed and enjoyed the story. It's really hard to rhyme for so many stanzas, and tell a story at the same time and you did just fine. (i stumbled a bit with meter) but in the end, the story itself lessened any 'tripping'
nicely done.
Happy New Year,
Robin
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What a cute fun read. You do just fine in this attempt.
I love writing poetry. acrostic, free verse and prose...i almost feel out of place offering suggestions as you have clearly stated. "I Can't Write a Poem".
but, here goes. First off, i enjoyed reading your poem. it stands as is and needs nothing else. Your rhyming scheme works well, the meter is a bit skippy. the only thing i'd consider changing in wording is in the sixth stanza.
Your Line: Sings with a raspy wheeze My Suggestion: Since you use the word sing just prior, consider using a different word...one that underscores the raspy wheeze part like grates, scratches, or screeches
Otherwise, fun stuff here,
thanks for taking the time to write and post this one.
Robin
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I just finished reading "Dirt" Wow! What a read. So profound and witty. I'm thinking you don't even need to remind the reader 'Dirt is like a metaphor.'
You've drawn attention to some very important thoughts and manage to convey messages without being preachy. For me, this poem underscores how unwanted events in our lives actually are necessary in shaping who we are.
great job!
Robin
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Oh Meg What a treasure this story is. It was somewhere during the second stanza the bigger picture came into focus...and then, the last stanza really wraps it up and underscores this heartfelt poem.
I just finished reading your "American Biker" and wanted to share my thoughts with you.
You did a very nice job with visualization and I could clearly see the characters you portrayed. I especially enjoyed reading about the red headed banker. I thought the meter in the first two stanzas was nice…I sorta stumbled on the stanza about the teenagers, but since this is a song, I’m sure to music, it is much smoother. I’d suggest changing the word about to ‘bout .
From the first few lines, this piece delivers superb descriptive, poetic expressions. The reader is compelled to read on. The author has done a fantastic job in conveying what heart ache feels like, smells, like, tastes like.
A soft ride for the reader as s/he reads your words. I feel soothed by having read it. It has a religious / faith tone and I feel security coming from it.
I do see a few typos. In your title. You have an extra “L” in fall.
I think you want an apostrophe in the word ‘nature’s’ call as it represents possession.
Your poem has universal appeal. I think most of us can relate to a time in our lives when we weren’t sure if we could go on. My favorite two lines are:
sometimes I'm desperately awaiting
someone's hand to grab mine,
I do have a suggestion,
Consider adding onto your sentences, providing specific examples…
If I can cry…if I can shed one more tear
If I can love…if I can open my arms to hug
But today I’m doing this…getting dressed in all blue, tying my shoe, saying I love you…
These are just suggestions to provide examples…always write what feels right to you.
Excellent article. informative, easy to follow. i really like the light tone you used here, making it fun to read. Your presentation with bold words and different colors made it all the more organized.
your title, genre selections and brief descriptions are all on target.
If you are up for 18+ humor distractions, this is the foler to visit. andrew, the folder's creator, has put together some really wild and crazy questions with some even off the wall funnier answers to choose from.
as a reader, i feel there is resentment on the part of the main charachter toward her parent. i sense a lack of emotional love among the two. And possibily, a hesitation in adhering to all of these commands.
Your words have a nice rhythm to them. I enjoyed stopping by your port.
smiles,
Robin
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LY words. You use plenty in this short item. The drawback to using LY words is they are interpretive...just how quickly did the player move his feet? push hair from his eyes? your point, as the author can be lost or misread...you can convey a stronger message by avoiding some of your LY words. 
