*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/uncommonspirit
Review Requests: OFF
376 Public Reviews Given
376 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write long, in-depth reviews. My main focus is on the content of your writing more than on fixing grammar mistakes. I always give my honest opinion, even if I feel your piece needs work. I do not do this to prop up my ego, but to help you as a writer. After all, it is hard to spot what needs more work when we as authors are too close to it. If you do not agree with something that I have said, that is perfectly fine by me and please feel free to disregard my advice. You won't hurt my feelings.
I'm good at...
I'm well read in the classics and in science fiction and fantasy. In these genres I know what has been done to death and what is new and fresh. I feel that I give the best reviews in these genres.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction, Fantasy, Regency Fiction, Steampunk
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Horror
Favorite Item Types
I prefer to review short stories or chapters of novels. I've been known to review all the chapters of a novel for friends.
Least Favorite Item Types
I like poetry, but I do not believe there is much to review about it. It is a very subjective genre and far to personal to review. I also tend to avoid non-fiction.
I will not review...
I prefer to not review Erotica at all. While I do not enjoy reading Horror, I will review it and remain focused on the general writing aspects of your story.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 ... Next
1
1
Review of Elf Team Six  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

When I read the title of this one, I HAD to read it. I laughed my ass off all the way through! Ho Ho Ho.

*CheckG* Plot:

I love the juxtaposition of commando action farce and corny christmas story. It worked well together. Your plot was simple and marshaled forward effortlessly, allowing the comic details to be the highlights of your story. Well done.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The narrator was very tongue in cheek and suited the light-hearted tale. Your word choice was funny and the star of the show. My favorite line was: Santa had guns baby, and he wasn't really feeling all that jolly.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

While you did not provide much detail in your settings, using classic Christmas fables allowed you to get away with it. We all grew up on Rudolph and other animated Christmas tales and these filled in the gaps of your location.

*CheckG* Characters:

While you did not describe your characters too much, there was enough of each elf to visual them. Although speaking as a woman, I did not appreciate the stereotype of Private Snowflake "the toughest and most attractive" and also the only female on the team. So if Snowflake was not attractive she wouldn't be there? Sigh. I was half expecting Holly to be a female elf and was surprised when she turned out to be just another guy. Making Holly female would have helped to balance the team's gender. Women are commandos these days too.

*CheckG* Dialog:

The dialog was the best part of the story. It was natural but also felt like lines from action movies. Their words helped to create the comic atmosphere.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You did repeat words and ideas several times in the story. I realize that you were going for effect, but at times it overpowered the flow of the story.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I don't have any real suggestions except to comb through the story and take out the repetitive elements and tighten your prose when possible. It was extremely funny and a hoot to read.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I feel that I am reading an old-fashioned moral fable. One that tells of the evils of gambling and throwing your wealth to the winds until there is nothing left. There is nothing wrong in retelling an old fable and updating it for modern times, but I feel that there were many problems with this work that held it back. I will outline my views below. Please do not take them personally, it is not my intention to hurt your feelings, but to help you improve your writing.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot wandered. I did not recognize this story for what it was, a fable, until the middle. I liked that you started small with the life of this man and then slowly expanded it as his wealth grew and his actions grew worse, but I never connected with him. I could not take away the lesson of his experience and apply it to my own life.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

You set this story in the past and used passive voice to tell your story. It put me at a distance as the reader and held me back from connecting with the main character. There were times when you used too many words in a sentence than was needed, which made the reading of the work more difficult.

For example:

The flame can burn up its life source and fizzle out, or it can eat its way slowly to death, on the way seemingly experiencing colors and fireworks and candles and whatever else that brings the flame supposed joy.

The flame burns its life source and fizzles. It eats its way to death, experiencing colors, fireworks, and candles. All that brings the flame joy disappears.

Look over your sentences and see where you add in unnecessary words. Remove the excess.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Several items bothered me as I read. It was the 1950s, but this man rode a horse! Were there lottery tickets at that time? The amounts of money seemed off. Due to inflation, the dollar amounts of items were very small as compared with today. The fact that he was close enough to atomic explosions was troubling to me, although I know that historically they were done not far from Las Vegas.

You never named the valley or the city that this man lived in. Since he was a Mormon, I assume that the valley was somewhere in Utah, but because of the atomic blasts, I felt that he had to be in Nevada. It troubled me.

You never gave any real details about the valley, the man's house, or the city that he and his wife moved to. I had no way to visual it as a reader other than a vague placeholder.

*CheckG* Characters:

Since this was a fable, it is okay to have few details about the characters, but just as in the setting, the lack of a name or any details about the man was disconcerting to me. Even labeling him "a construction worker" did not seem to fit in with the 1950s time frame you had selected. This is a more modern term. He needed a descriptive word more nuanced than "worker" which could have meant any job at all.

The man's wife was a pip! Why don't we eat lobster? My goodness. I couldn't decide if she was comedy relief or a goof-ball. It is a shame that you did not define her a little more so the reader could determine if she had a part in the man's spendthrift ways or not.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your essay is filled with passive voice which made your prose seem flat. The story was told instead of shown, which also made it hard to read. You have a tendency to repeat words and ideas in your prose.

For example:

A combustible flame, then, is a flame that delves into itself and ends itself in the most painful way -- self-destruction.


*CheckG* Suggestions:

I like fables and this is a good one to play with. You need to visualize your MC and find the details that would make him a real person. Incorporate those details into your story at the beginning and scatter them in as you go. Build who this man is and talk about him as if he were your real life neighbor next door.

Research the time period and location you are writing about. If you choose to not reveal where the story takes place, that is okay. But make it a "real" place for your reader with a bit of detail to light up in our minds.

Decide what your fable is. Where does it start? Where does the story end? Write an outline of the scenes that flow from point A to point B. Compare your new outline with your story. Cut out all the parts that don't fit in the flow of the new outline. Your story will have better pacing and hold the interest of your reader better.


Whew. I know this is plenty to throw at you and I apologize for that. It is not my intention to discourage you, especially a young high school student. Writing is hard work and doesn't come to fruition overnight. Know that you are not alone. ALL writers go through this learning curve. Myself included! Hang in there.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


A nice simple fable with an Irish bent. Just the thing to read on St. Paddy's Day! This flash fiction was somewhat bare-boned. There was little in the way of world building and your three characters were a bit two-dimensional, they did not feel like real people to me. I also was a bit thrown off by the gallic and translation throughout your story. Every time you did that, it pulled me out as a reader.

Still, this is a fable and it had a nice flow to it. I enjoyed reading your story.
4
4
Review by Uncommonspirit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


Oh my, this was very funny! I love how you worked in the Irish dialect in your poem to create a sense of the time period and the personality of the narrator. As always, an excellent poem.
5
5
Review of Uplifting!  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Shamrock* You are being Raided in the Ides of March "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  RAID! *Gold*


While I write poetry too, I don't do limericks all that often. I admit that yours made me laugh and put a smile on my Scottish heart. :) Keep up the good work and keep writing your poetry. :)
6
6
Review of Amaranth  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I am a reader of fantasy stories and when I see one featuring a dragon, I am always interested. I love my dragons! However, your story suffered from several issues that ultimately made it a difficult read for me. I will outline more of what I saw below in this review in the hope that it will be of benefit to you in your future work.

*CheckG* Plot:

There was no true story arc in Amaranth. It was more the backstory of how Byron and the dragon came together and their relationship, but everything was told to me as the reader, not shown. This put me at a distance and made it more difficult for me to care about the characters. What I was told about them was not bad, in fact there are many elements here that would make for a good story, but the way it was related to me as a reader was the main problem. A plot needs to be centered on a conflict, either from within or without the main character's perspective. I was never sure if Byron or the Dragon was the main character of this tale and as a reader, I did not know where to invest my sympathy and interest.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

You narrator Byron told the story of how he met Amaranth's mother and how he raised the young dragon as a "son". The trouble was, I was never quite sure who the story was about, Byron or the young dragon.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You wrote a great deal of description into this story. Perhaps too much. The lengthy descriptions slowed the pace of the story and added details where they were not necessarily needed. Fantasy stories do need a bit more description than other fictional books, simply because they take place in a world of imagination and the reader needs to be informed of how this world differs from our own, however, there comes a point where you cross the line. In this case, I feel that you did so.

*CheckG* Characters:

Bryon and Amaranth were friends and your two main characters. There was no conflict, either physically or mentally between them. Amaranth flew away and Bryon worried about him, but I was not sure why the dragon left in the first place. There was no antagonist to your tale. No being to stir up conflict and allow your two characters to show their emotions and concern for each other.

*CheckG* Dialog:

What little dialog there was was overly formal and unnatural sounding. Much like a fairy-tale might impart. There was no separation of characters in their dialog. In other words, I could not tell who was speaking by the cadence and word choice of your two characters. This is the mark of a beginner writer and something you might want to read up on in the future.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your story turned my grammar check RED with hard to read, complex sentences. 34 sentences fit this category. You had a small number of adverbs, which is good, but 23 incidents of passive voice. Normally, I would point out some of the places where this has occurred, but since there are so many of them, I am not sure it would be to your benefit. Your grammar is not "wrong", it simply is very wordy and makes it harder for a reader to get into a comfortable zone when reading your story. You need to learn to simplify your prose.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

If you decide to work on this story further, I would recommend writing a plot outline. Think about creating a catalyst that will create conflict that either divides Byron and Amaranth apart or be something that they can fight together. In this way, the characters will start showing their traits more. Next, you need to focus on fewer descriptions and more action. Like I said before, descriptions are good to have in fantasy stories, but try and keep it no more than a sentence or two at a time. Space descriptions throughout the story, not in large chunks all at once.

Finally, look into editing software. These are programs that you can pop your stories into and it will highlight issues such as adverbs, passive voice, word repetitiveness, punctuation, and more. While the programs will never replace a human editor or content critiques, they do clean up your writing so that your reviewers will focus more on your content issues and not grammar errors.

I hope that my review has not been too harsh. It is not my intention to hurt your feelings, rather I review in an effort to help a new writer see where he needs to improve. We were all beginners once! It is my sincere desire that you continue with your writing and offer up more stories in the future. We fantasy authors all need to stick together and support each other. :)



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review by Uncommonspirit
Rated: E | (5.0)
For a first time tweet, you did a good job. You had a nice progression in your micro story. :)
8
8
Review by Uncommonspirit
Rated: E | (5.0)
You used "magic" more than once in your story and a few articles of speech. Still, I give you an "A" for effort. I'm doing the same assignment and am not certain if I can do it either.
9
9
Review of Whatever  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

The tale itself is not bad, but the way you presented it left less than to be desired. There is confusion at the end as to what happened. Did he kill the gangster or not? It is hard to determine.

*CheckG* Plot:

This is the story of a man that had been in the "friend zone" with the woman he loved for many years. When things look to be going well, she dies. The man seeks revenge. It is a cut and dried plot that has been used many times, but it is a strong one for you to use.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The narrator is the man and for the most part, you do not stray from that point of view until the very end. I feel that this epilogue where the POV shifts to the hospital worker detracts from the story. You should stay with your protagonist's POV.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You settings were very scant. I would have liked to see a little more detail of the man's apartment and the time that the girl was there, other than all the flowery words about how he felt about her. A little more of the street where she died and of the hospital would not go amiss either.

*CheckG* Characters:

I liked how you defined the man and the woman. He was in love and she was not. I wondered what the tipping point of her change was. It was never explained and it made me wonder if she was sincere in her desire to date the man. Her one word reply made me think that she was on her way toward a suicide.

*CheckG* Dialog:

There was not much dialog except for the "whatever" term. A little more would have been helpful to flesh out the characters.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

actually (2), finally, nearly, nervously, occasionally, only (2), repeatedly, shortly, wildly

Use search to find these adverbs and remove them from your prose. Use descriptions and dialog to show what the adverbs tell the reader.

What does this mean?

“Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and brilliant green eyes. You should have seen her. She had smooth skin as pale and iridescent as the moon shining over a snow covered landscape. She moved with a meaning. As she walked away from me I could sense her presence exiting the room. You could feel when she was around without even having to see her. She was wondrous.

You could lose most of these telling statements. They do not really show what this woman looked like. I have no idea what you meant by iridescent skin, for a moment I wondered if this was a science fiction tale. I also do not know what "moved with a meaning" is. It probably should be rephrased.

PARAGRAPHS

You need to either indent the first line of each paragraph or put a space in between them. As the story is formatted right now, it is hard to read.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

1. Go through and take out the adverbs. This will help make you show the story more than simply tell it.
2. Find places in your story where you tell the plot and instead turn them into scenes where the two characters are there. Show the readers what happened instead of telling it.
3. Reformat your story so that it is easier to read.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
10
10
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This was a cute teenager in love story. I thought the class assignment to "find a memory" was a bit cheesy, but I suppose this is what passes for camping these days! I liked that you kept things simple at the end. Due to their age and recent meeting, anything more would have been inappropriate.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot was solid. There was a beginning, a middle and a happy ending. In a romance, happy endings are to be prefered.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The story was told via the girl's POV and you did not waver from that viewpoint. Her voice as the narrator came through strongly.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I felt that you could have done more with the setting than you had. Some of the sounds, scents and feel of the forest could have been included into your setting. Right now, the forest feels at a distance and somewhat unreal. The hidden lake would not be hidden in this day and age of google maps...which is a pity. Finding such spots in the woods to enjoy is truly a great experience.

*CheckG* Characters:

You told us about the characters, but you did not show us who they were via their actions and words. Liane is falling for Aiden, but we know this more because we are told so during her narration than via actions. Likewise, we are told about Aiden and his attentiveness toward the girl, but until the very end we don't see it.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I found some of the dialog to not be understandable, but that might be due to my age. For instance, I have ZERO idea what these terms mean. I assume they are a sort of slang?

“Liana,” barked Mr. Demphy, “are you picking twigs or gassing with Tina over there? Come on!”

*CheckG* Suggestions:

You should search for adverbs and remove them. Try and look through your sentences and remove slang from descriptions. When the girls speak, make sure you write their words, not tell the reader what was said.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
11
11
Review of It's a secret  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Ah...young love. This poor girl got lucky, I was waiting for all manner of horrible things to happen to her before the end of the story. Overall, I did not get into the story or feel much for your two characters. I will outline below the reasons why.

*CheckG* Plot:

You did have a strong plot with a good beginning, middle, and end, it is just that the end was not believable due to the dialog and circumstances. It was more like a wish fulfillment for a happy, romantic ending. The sort of thing that tween girls dream of.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The voice of your narrator was strong and you stayed in her head during the entire story. This was well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Your school setting was believable. Most schools are similar after all, so you did not need to spend much word count on it. However, small details in setting can make a story richer and more enjoyable.

*CheckG* Characters:

There was nothing wrong with the description of your two main characters. Each one was a stereotype, but you managed to incorporate enough details into each one to make them three dimensional. However, I did not believe that the boy felt anything but disdain for the girl, based on his actions and dialog. He seemed arrogant and manipulative toward her. In fact, I honestly felt that meeting him alone later was a sure recipe for the girl to be attacked physically by this kid. I felt sorry for her that she would be taken in by this bastard.

There was no stated reason why this boy might "love" Riley. The girl was very young and impressionable, so her motive was explained, but there was nothing to show that Alec felt anything for her other than lust. Even that "I love you" at the end could have been manipulation to gain her trust and perhaps convince her to have sex with him later.

If you wish to make this into a love story, you need to address Alec's character and put in cues that might lead the reader to think that there was some tender emotions somewhere inside the boy.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog sounded natural, however the formatting of your paragraphs was difficult to read. Each paragraph should only showcase one speaker. If you move to a new speaker, you need to start a new paragraph.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

Considering search for and removing these adverbs.

actually, barely, finally, lovingly, luckily, nearly, only (2), perfectly

REPEATED WORDS:

You use the word "like" too often. 9 times in fact. Look at the sentences that contain this word and reword them to remove it.

You use "came out" or "came by" often. Search for these phrases and find ways to remove them.

PARAGRAPH FORMATTING:

You needed to either indent your new paragraphs or put a space between them. The way they are now is very difficult to read. It is hard to know when a new paragraph is starting since the text is pressed together the way it is.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I'm not sure if you intend to work on the story further, but if you do you should address the grammar and formatting issues of your work. Then work on the character of Alec. Either give this a sinister ending to fit Alec's current character or change him enough at the beginning that the reader has foreshadowing that he is not some boogeyman that is going to hurt the girl in the end.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review of THE DATING GAME  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I choose to review your story at random because I am asked to seek out romantic stories for this month's power review. I thought that a story about middle age romance would be a fun alternative. Overall, I was delighted with your story. I enjoyed the British English phrases and the humor behind the situation.

*CheckG* Plot:

You had a nice story arc, but I was disappointed when you ended the tale as abruptly as you did. I was looking forward to seeing Gill interact with her blind date. Still, the phone call rescue was foreshadowed and there is certainly nothing wrong with the way you choose to end your story.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The voice of your narrator is strong and in keeping with your main character.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

While you did not go into great deal with your setting, I felt that there was enough to set the scene properly.

*CheckG* Characters:

You did a good job with your characters. Each one felt distinct and an individual. I love how you used the character description to show the personality of the blind date.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I do not have any real suggestions for improvement. I enjoyed reading your story and would not mind reading more about your main character. She seems a likable lady.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review of Crystal Lake  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is a requested review from the review system. Thank you for choosing me to review your story. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I found this story difficult to read, not because of the subject matter, but because of the constant repetitive style of your writing. You went back and forth between the man's past and his present mission, but the lines were so blurred that it was hard to know where I was in the story. I will outline more below.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot was solid. A sniper has a mission. He performs it. You tie the final action with his memories of the past. It is a common enough plot line and there is nothing wrong with that.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I had trouble with the voice of your narrator. It was not the character thinking, it felt more like the author telling the story. You need to go deeper and write only the action that is happening. Bring the reader in closer to your character.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

There was not much detail to your setting. I would have liked to read more about the sounds, scents, tastes and touch of the forest that Tony inhabited. As a reader, I would like to be there with the the main character, experiencing what he does along side him.

*CheckG* Characters:

Tony sounds like one badass dude. Nothing wrong with that, but the conflict you write about within him has no actions to follow it up. You need to find ways of bringing his inner conflict out to the real world. In other words, show it instead of simply telling the reader.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

In the first few paragraphs you had a strong tendency to repeat the same word several times in a sentence. This made the sentences clunky. You also repeated the ideas of the action over and over. These ideas should only be written about once and then you should move on to new action.

Example:

Today was different, today he moved through the snow covered mountain side alone. An arctic ghillie suit camouflaged him to his surroundings. An M40 sniper rifle strapped over his right shoulder. Today he hunted not caribou or black bear, but something that carried a much heavier burden – man.

You repeated the word Today many times. You also repeated the idea of Tony carrying a rifle over his shoulder several times. Once is enough.

You had a higher number of adverbs in your story than you should. Do a global search for *ly words and that will turn them up. You should remove them.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

Your story needs a strong rewrite. I would suggest starting with listing all the actions that Tony will do in the story. Remember, your plot is solid. You need to flesh out the details of the ACTION in ways that are not repetitive and do not reuse the same words in the same sentence. Next, go over the action of what happened with Tony and his father. Pick out the ACTIONS of those events. Once you have both lists, finds places where the two lists match up. THAT is where you put in the flashbacks. Make those flashes short and immediate. They are visions popping up in your characters mind, not a narrator telling the reader what Tony is thinking. In this way, you will gain a closer touch with your reader.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of Prologue  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is your third review for your auction package. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I liked this one. It reminds me of classic 1950s science fiction, although it was very short. Again, you worked your story toward a punch line ending, like the previous story I reviewed. The punch line worked and the flaw in the scientist's reasoning was revealed which gave me, your humble reader, an aha moment.

*CheckG* Plot:

Again, you worked your story toward a punch line ending, like the previous story I reviewed. You set up the character and the situation and then moved to the end quickly. The punch line worked and the flaw in the scientist's reasoning was revealed which gave me, your humble reader, an aha moment.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I liked the narrator of your tale. He seemed very human and likable.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

There was not much description of the setting, but then again, there is not much to describe of deep space or the singular moment of the birth of the universe.

*CheckG* Characters:

While Alex was the narrator of your tale, you only gave his first name. Yet, the woman scientist gave her full name and title even though she was a secondary character. There was no real description of either character and little history.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I felt that the dialog was natural, but more like how two regular people would speak, not two scientists out on a mission.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

There are no obvious errors.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I kept wondering why the woman was there. It might make more sense to have only Alex there on the mission, but then again, you would lose the ability to have a conversation in the story. I would have liked Alex to have his full name and title in there somewhere if you gave the same treatment to the other scientist, or make both simple first names. Just an opinion.

Your flash fiction worked and followed the rules of flash fiction well. I liked your story. :)




** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
15
15
Review of Strain  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is the second review in your auction package. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

While this is a flash fiction, you still managed to create a sense of suspense and horror in your tale. The punch line at the end got me laughing.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot is solid. You pose a problem at the beginning, show why there is trouble and then propose an ending. You did not solve the issue, but the punch-line did create a sense of finale in your piece.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I liked the mix of horror and humor in your writing style. It made your story enjoyable.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Where there was not a great deal of description in your flash fiction, I did not feel that it hampered your tale. You drew on a typical science fiction location, that of an underground scientific bunker that is ingrained in most people. More description was not needed.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your characters did not have much of a history, but with your snappy dialog, you did create a sense of definition for them. In a flash fiction, that is usually all you have time for. For the format of the story, you did well.

*CheckG* Dialog:

You do tend to use a few dialog tags when a simple action tag would work better. For the most part, your dialog is clean and certainly has a touch of humor. I felt that you had good separation of your characters.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

barely, exactly, finally, freely, highly, honestly, obviously, only

REDUNDANT WORDS:

This is totally outside of anything I've ever been associated with
(outside of)

"Impossible!" Lisa blurted out.
(blurted out)

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I would have liked to see a solution to the virus problem, but it is not necessary to end the story. The punch line solved that for you. If you decide to rewrite this one and make it longer, I believe you would have an engaging story on your hands.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
16
16
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a requested review from the review system. Thank you for choosing me to review your story. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Your story is off to a good start. I like the system of magic that you have in place. While I do not understand the rules of it as yet, it promises to provide many interesting conflicts and complexity to your story. The chapter did bog down a little here and there, but I suspect that this is a rough draft, so that is to be expected. Most of the problem was due to info dumps, telling the story instead of showing it, and having a plot that meandered.

*CheckG* Plot:

There was not a clean line of action in this chapter. The story wandered around and there were times when I was not sure where the story was going. Granted, this is the second chapter of a story and you don't need a full 3 act story arc at this point, but each chapter should have a beginning middle and an end. Try and find a way to tie the end of the chapter with the beginning. For instance, perhaps as Torin is monitoring the schoolyard, he could be thinking about his up coming meeting with Kenton.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The narrators voice did not seem to fit the character of Torin well. It seemed very youthful as apposed to that of a man seventy years old. He tended to use cliches from modern culture in his thoughts that seemed out of place for a wizard in a fantasy realm.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I liked what you did with the city setting. The canvas tents, the school yard, the book store. You gave enough detail to set the scenes without getting heavy handed about it.

*CheckG* Characters:

The wizard character Torin's character was not well formed. First he was on the school yard as a teacher, playing tricks on the students to manage them. Then he was flirting with a young girl in the bookstore. He spent a LONG time buying those books. If the volumes play a part in the story later, that is okay, but if not, you need to streamline that section. Likewise, if the shopgirl is to become a major character later, the time you spent writing about her would be acceptable, but if not, you need to tone down the lust of the wizard while he spoke to her and her giggling reaction. Kenton seemed like a mirror of Torin with little to help define him as a separate character.


*CheckG* Dialog:

I felt that the two men that were speaking together at the end sounded like the same person. You need to vary their dialog enough to create a sensation of two different people. The girl's dialog was set apart from that of the wizard, but she came across as a stereotypical bubblehead and very two dimensional. I noticed that you used the dialog tag "said" the most often and this is the modern convention. That is a good choice. However, you combined it with the phrase "with a smile" far too often. Instead, I would recommend that you end your dialog with "Torin said." If you need a dialog tag at all. Then write the action of the character as a separate sentence. This will force you to come up with more description of the action than a simple smile.


*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You had a large number of adverbs. You need to cut them out as completely as you can. I have listed them below.

ADVERBS:

actually, brightly (2), currently, elsewhere, finally (2), forward, fully, highly, innocently, mostly (2), nearly (2), normally (2), only (4), orderly, outrageously, perfectly, politely, randomly, rapidly (2), really (2), slightly, slowly

REPEATED PHRASES:

with a smile (7)
he was a (5)
he replied with a (4)
said with a smile (4)
but i would (3) (i should be capitalized)
he had a (3)
he had to (3)
he replied with a (3)
the shifting market (3)

REPEATED WORDS:

book (18), like (15), few (13), very (13), people (12), looked (12), many (12), books (12), good (11)

MISUSED WORDS:

"Normally, my thinly veiled insults have more affect," said Torin, looking just as amused as Kenton. (effect)

"Ah yes, good old Richard Lathorian, a rather underappreciated philosopher, but worth the time if you can get past his more insane views on bureaucratic loyalties." (passed) (unappreciated)


*CheckG* Suggestions:

You had plenty of info dumps throughout your piece. For instance, the paragraph of Torin's age and description was a pure info dump. Often times you would go into explaining why things were so via your narrator instead of showing the reader via action and dialog. This distanced me as a reader from your story. You used a great many adverbs in your writing and extended dialog tags. You should cut both out as much as possible. Substitute action tags for the dialog tags as much as possible.

All is not lost. I believe you have the start of a good story in there. You simply need to work on bringing it out.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
17
17
Review of The Leprechaun  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I found your irish tale to be cute, but not well developed. I had heard the joke about the guns and the digging of the garden before. It makes its rounds around the internet quite often.

*CheckG* Plot:

There did not seem to be a point to this story. It was more a scene with a bit of information about Leprechauns. I never did come to a conclusion if the old man was a true leprechaun or not.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You did a good job setting up the scene in the house where the old man lived. I could see the place clearly in my mind.

*CheckG* Characters:

You had good separation between Colleen and her grandfather. She sounded like a typical American woman and the old man had a little old world brogue to his speech.

*CheckG* Dialog:

The dialog functioned well enough. It was logical and made sense. It was not as inspired as it could be.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

This story struck me more as a contest piece or an English assignment. As such it seems to work. I have no real suggestions for you.




** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
18
18
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I am torn in my overall impression of this story. It has many elements working extremely well, but it also left me feeling incomplete as a reader. I could not see the locations or the characters well. There was little movement other than the names of destinations. I was being told an interesting story. I could understand what the characters were feeling and the logic of their actions, but I was not there with them as a reader. Everything took place at a distance to me. This disappointed me as a reader.

*CheckG* Plot:

The plot of this story is emotional and quite moving. I found myself caring very deeply for this young woman who had lost her baby and the recovery she went through. You set up the story arc well. It was easy to follow.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I liked the strong voice of the husband who told the tale via his eyes. His concern came through and his observations of his wife carried the story arc. Both he and the woman were sympathetic and allowed the reader to care about them as people.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

There was little in the way of setting. It was almost as if the story took place in a void. I had no sense of the sounds and sights of the places that the couple traveled to. Instead of simply giving a name of the location, I would have preferred to see the locations via your writing.

*CheckG* Characters:

There was good separation between the two characters in your story. I felt that they were two distinct people.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Dialog played a large role in the story arc of this piece. I liked the way you used the dialog to carry the story and to define your characters.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

daily, greatly, hurriedly, instantly, limply, luckily, rarely, simply, slowly

*CheckG* Suggestions:

This is a good story. One that I feel you should continue working on and possibly submit for publication in a magazine once you revise it. Your main issue is showing the action instead of telling it. As you revise your work, think to yourself "how can show this action via movement and dialog" instead of letting your narrator speak about his observations. Let the reader in to experience the story along side your main character.

I have listed the adverbs in your story. You should remove them and rework the sentences to make them stronger. However, do this AFTER your revision. It is likely your revision will take care of this issue for you.


I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
19
19
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I found the beginning of your story to be a little confused. It was as if you were not quite sure what thread to follow when telling your story. Once you got the characters into the car, the story flowed much better.

I was concerned at the lack of regard the characters showed when hitting the child with a car. I realize that they were teenagers, but hitting a pedestrian is a serious matter. I feel that more gravity should have been shown.

*CheckG* Plot:

This was a story about an incident when learning how to drive. The references to washing dishes and Christmas detracted from the main focus of your story. I would consider removing those references.

There is not a strong hook to your tale. I would rethink about what the story is about and go directly to the action.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your narrator has a strong, individual voice. That is well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I would have liked a few more details about the setting. Except for the description of the tree, there was little else to go on. There need be no more than a sentence or two scattered in the story. There is no need to interrupt the pacing for descriptions.

*CheckG* Characters:

There was little separation between the two teens in the car. They sounded like the same person. You need to write up a character sheet on each of them and add in mannerisms or dialog differences to help set them apart better.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I liked the bit with the fake English accents. It seemed to be something that teens would do. The dialog seemed natural for the most part. However, you use far too many dialog tags and this disrupted the flow of your work. I will give you an example:

“Where should we go?” I asked, putting on my seat belt.

“Well, it’s best to go to an unoccupied parking lot, preferably a church, a school, or any other spacious --- space”, Cindy said, trying to achieve an air of professionalism, yet not quite succeeding.

“You’re a dork!” I said, pushing her shoulder playfully. In my best English accent I asked, “How about the elementary school, dear? I hear it has a wonderful driving range.”

“Novel choice, my dear, novel choice,” she said, mimicking my atrocious accent. We both laughed and made the trip five blocks to the school. The schoolyard was almost abandoned except for two children riding their new bicycles. They honked at us with obnoxious horns as they rode past us. I recognized them as Lisa and her little brother. We waved back at them as Cindy slowed the car to a stop.

“You ready?” She asked, undoing her seatbelt.

When you use a dialog tag, it should be only to remove confusion as to who is speaking for the reader. Always default to "said" when possible. The rest of the time use an action tag.


“Where should we go?” I put on my seat belt.

“Well, it’s best to go to an unoccupied parking lot, preferably a church, a school, or any other spacious --- space”, Cindy tried to achieve an air of professionalism, but did not succeed.

“You’re a dork!” I pushed her shoulder playfully. In my best English accent I said, “How about the elementary school, dear? I hear it has a wonderful driving range.”

“Novel choice, my dear, novel choice,” she mimicked my atrocious accent. We both laughed and made the trip five blocks to the school. The schoolyard was almost abandoned except for two children riding their new bicycles. They honked at us with obnoxious horns as they rode past us. I recognized them as Lisa and her little brother. We waved back at them as Cindy slowed the car to a stop.

“You ready?” Cindy asked, undoing her seatbelt.

Note that I removed most of your dialog tags and turned them into action tags. See how the action of the characters moves more smoothly? You need to go over your story and put this in place over the rest of the dialog.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

finally, gently, jealously, only, playfully, really, slowly

REPEATED WORDS:

car (18)
brake (12)
school (6)
oh (6)
okay (5)

PUNCTUATION:

You used an excessive amount of exclamation points. Let your words convey the emotions, not your punctuation. There should be no more than one or two exclamation points in your story.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

1. Work on a new hook for your story. One that focuses on the incident with the car, not on the holiday.

2. Look over your dialog tags and remove as many as possible following the example I gave above.

3. Remove the adverbs. This will tighten your story and make it flow better.

4. Use a thesaurus to find words to replace the ones that are repeated too often. Particularly "car" and "brake".

5. Remove the excessive number of exclamation points in your story.

6. Create character sheets for your two main characters. Give them mannerisms or a way of speaking that helps to define them as individual people better.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
20
20
Review of Where Evil Dwells  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This was a cute Halloween story about witches and cats. I did not get as into it as I could have because the story was more told than it was shown. I, as the reader, did not feel like I was in the story along with the characters.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot was solid. You had a beginning where a crisis was presented, a middle where action happened to correct the crisis and a finale where the scenes are completed and a final resolution to the story happens.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your narrative POV did not shift during the story, you remained completely with your main character and followed him through to the end.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I felt that you did a good job with the setting. It was spooky, but not so overdone that it bogged down the pace of the story.

*CheckG* Characters:

I was a little confused about the main character. I did not realize that he was a cat at first and it was not clear to me until he transformed from a cat to a human.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I felt that the dialog in the story was natural and made sense. Good work.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

constantly, differently, easily, finally, immediately, only, really, silently

REPEATED PHRASES:

i had to (7)
of the brew (3)
to the child (3)

DIALOG TAGS:

began (4)
thought (3)
prayed (3)
said (3)
screamed (2)

PUNCTUATION:

There are well over a dozen exclamation points in your story. There should be, at best, only one or two. You need to let your words convey the emotions, not the punctuation.


*CheckG* Suggestions:

Please use your search function in your word processor to locate the adverbs that I have listed above. Remove them from your story. It will make it tighter and flow better.

Use search to find the repeated phrases in your story that I have listed above. You should use each phrase at best one time, at worse twice. The one that is used seven times, you should attend to first.

You use too wide a variance of dialog tags. If you use a dialog tag at all, it should be "said". All the others should be removed to help the pacing of your story.

You have a large number of exclaimation points in your work. You need to remove most of them.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
21
21
Review of background: Alex  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is a requested review from the review system. Thank you for choosing me to review your story. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I understand that this is a backstory to one that you are currently working on, explaining how the character Alex ended up inside a video game. Overall, I found most of the details to be somewhat confusing. The way you have laid out the story is not conductive to using it later to help you write your current story.

*CheckG* Plot:

First off, there is no true plot to this backstory. It has some details of Alex's family, but the way he ended up in the machine is so minor that it doesn't need much of the detail you provided.


*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

To make this backstory useful, creating some of the settings you will later use in the story or refer back to would have been a good idea. What was the house that Alex grew up in like? Where was it located? What was the neighborhood like. Did Alex have friends? Where did he go to school and what were these places like?

*CheckG* Characters:

I found Alex's family to be unbelievable. It is extremely uncommon for a woman to have three sets of fraternal twins and no single children. I'm not sure why you would distinguish between "scientists" and "engineers". They are two sides of the same coin. I noticed that you described the sisters doing housework, but not the boys. This is a little sexist.

While you gave some physical description of Alex and his family, you did not describe their personalities well. They all sound much the same. You need to focus on giving each of the siblings a more distinct personality. If the siblings do not feature in your future story, you might consider cutting them out of the tale altogether.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

I will not go over grammar in this review since your main question was about the concept of the backstory. It is all telling and almost no showing, so it is definitely the roughest of drafts.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I would rethink Alex's family. Either cut them back or develop each of the siblings more fully as to their personality and various histories. I would also work on developing more details into the settings of your story.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
22
22
Review of There  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I enjoy time travel stories, so your short story intrigued me. You have a good hand with vivid and colorful descriptions and I felt that it was the strongest point of your writing.

*CheckG* Plot:

I am not sure how the letter at the beginning of the story relates to the rest of the tale. Irvine doesn't seem to appear later and the observer who goes back in time is not mentioned in his letter. Otherwise, your story has a basic plot structure that does carry the tale since it is short.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I felt that the voice of your narrator was strong. I could relate to him or her and how this person felt. I would have liked to know just a little more about the narrator. He or she seemed to be almost a ghost, slipping in and out of time and not having much substance.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Your attention to detail when you described the forest and the tools that the native americans used was very good. It was the strongest part of your writing.

*CheckG* Characters:


None of your characters were individuals. All were stereotypes and off in the distance. I did feel a bit of a connection to the narrator, but because I knew so little about this person I could not completely relate to him or her.


*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your grammar and mechanics are fine, but you tend to write in passive voice most of the time. This piece would have been much stronger if you had written it in present tense.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

1. I would individualize your characters more. At the very least, I would give the narrator enough personal details to become a real person in the mind of the reader.

2. I would remove the passive voice from this story and put it in present tense.

3. I would either remove the letter at the beginning of the story or work the contents of the letter into the later parts of the story more fully.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
23
23
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This was a simple letter, written to a boy's mother. The letter unfolded a story about how he was hired by the president of the united states as a speech writer.

*CheckG* Plot:

You unfolded this story well. You began it with a simple tour of the white house by a young man and followed him as he was pressed into service at the white house and ended up with a job. I liked how you let the small, mundane details progress as the young man began to figure out where he was and what he was doing.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You did not describe the setting well, but considering that most of us have a decent understanding of what the interior of the white house and west wing looks like, you did not need to include it. You used set pieces to invoke the time period, like the typewriter and how the skill to type (keyboarding) was unusual at the time. All the little details helped to form a good view of this world.

*CheckG* Characters:

While you could not go into much characterization due to the letter format, you still managed to convey the different personalities that were at the white house. Your Iowa visitor had cultural qualities that did set him in time and place.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I liked how you used the dialog. There was not much of it since this was a letter, but what you included was effective.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not see any obvious grammar errors in your work. Well done.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I enjoyed your short story and I don't have any real suggestions for you. Except to say, keep writing. You have obvious talent. :)


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
24
24
Review of No Such Luck  
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Oh my goodness. This was an extremely cute fairy tale. I loved the disbelief of the son and the mischief of his father as he "pretended" to be a leprechaun in order to win a new car. I had a feeling what the ending would be, but even so, I had a smile on my face when the story pay-off came.

*CheckG* Plot:

There was a nice built to the plot of your tale. The beginning is firmly in reality where a son doubts his father's idea of winning a car by pretending to be a leprechaun. As the plot continues, our sense of wonder and suspicion takes place. Well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Your modern settings worked well with the story. You did not describe them fully, but because they were typical settings of the modern age, that was not necessary. I liked the touch of the kelly green decorations at the car lot and that the car was also green.

*CheckG* Characters:

You had good separation of voice between the son and his father. The good natured mischief of the father and the mild embarrassment of the lad worked well together.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog was natural and helped to carry the plot of the story well.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS:

You had a few adverbs in your story. You might want to consider removing them.

His Da had actually pulled it off!
Finally, he stopped in front of Lenard and leaned down.
Wow, Lamar thought Da must have really done his homework. 

PUNCTUATION:

You have around eight exclamation points in your dialog. You might want to consider take most of them out. You should not have more than one or two in a story. Let the power of your words convey the emotion, not your punctuation.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I feel that your story works as it is. I found it to be delightful and full of historical and mythological details without weighing down the story's plot.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
25
25
Review by Uncommonspirit
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is being made as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 's *BalloonR* Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid! *BalloonR*!

This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I was not expecting a Sherlock Homes fanfiction when I began reading this story, but it certainly held my attention. You picked up details from the original Doyle series well and I liked the fantastical settings you created in the sewers of London.

*CheckG* Plot:

The plot was straight forward with an action start and follow through. I felt that you covered all your bases well in that regard.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:


*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

The locomotive, the tunnels running under London, the iron men, everything gave a wonderful steampunk quality to your story. I felt that your world was well developed and described enough to allow the reader to visual your world, but not enough to overwhelm one with tiny details.

*CheckG* Characters:

You did a good job defining Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson for someone who has only seen the movies and not read the original novels. I could get a clear sense of each of your characters. They all did seem to follow archtypes from a penny dreadful, which would be from the Victorian time period you wrote about, so the feel of the characters seemed to work well in a steampunk story.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I felt that the dialog was not as natural sounding as it could have been. While this is a different time period and people did talk in a different manner than they do now, it was still a bit too stilted for me. The dialog did convey the ideas that the characters needed to express.

You used the dialog tags "smiled" and "grinned" a great deal. You should work to remove dialog tags as much as possible and when you must use one, use the word "said". It is now considered a modern writing convention.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

ADVERBS: You used 54 adverbs in this story. You need to remove most of them. Adverbs used the most were: absolutely, barely, certainly, forward, immediately, nearly, only, perfectly, slowly

REPEATED PHRASES: You used two phrases often: "out of the" and "for the moment". Search for these via find and remove or reword most of these to great more variety in your prose.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I felt that this was an entertaining story as is. You simply need to tighten it up. Work on removing the excess adverbs, repeated phrases and dialog tags. While your characters were stereotypical, I felt that this added to the story instead of detracting to it.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
107 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 5 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/uncommonspirit