Hello Koolman,
Welcome to Writing.com  .
Pretty good for a first effort! The ending is very poignant, and sweet because she stuck by your (character's) side the whole time, even if you thought yourself to be deformed in any way, or unwanted. Her love has shone through at the last moment--very powerful message.
Likes:
I enjoyed your ending as well as your first paragraph. Those first lines really set the mood for your story--good job!
Suggestions:
I'd like to make some comments/suggestions/corrections to your work because I believe this to be good, but it can always be better--keep in mind these are just my observations, and to be taken as such. Please disregard where you see fit.
Introductory para.:
It's a good opener, but it's a bit rocky. I'd suggest doing is omitting the comma between "met" and "that"...also, I notice you use a lot of adverbs--be careful with adverbs, they tend to weigh down a piece
{e.g. "initially met", "fateful day", "extraordinary months"). Sometimes less is more. All of these words can be taken out without hurting your story line and the emotions you present.
Paragraph two:
This paragraph is a little heavy on the verbage.
Again, the unnecessary words weigh this piece down.
~"built up" should be hyphenated.
~"it will bring" should be it would
--also, you have frequent tense shifts in this paragraph. Try picking either past or present for the whole story (until you get to the end where it's reflective thought of what happened). If there are frequent tense shifts, it confuses the reader, and it just makes your piece sound sloppy.
I set myself on a bare and shallow quest to find the answer in the silence, yet all I can conceive is an abandoned void in my belated heart, as it beats ever so slowly under my arctic feeling breasts.
There is way too much here. You have the heart of a poet, but it doesn't come across so well in story writing. The words in red can be omitted for better flow.
Paragraph three:
I draw back wishing i could turn back time,
What exactly are you drawing back? Your breath?
Maybe "draw in" would suffice, and it would kill the repetition of "back".
wishing i had just eclipsed my crevasse hidden feelings from you, my gratification and my drift of life was stripped from me, like a cold wax torn from my arms and placed in a piddling unpurposed box [[and placed into the filth basket where they were never to be seen or felt again.]]]
Sometimes going into too much detail kills a story. Personally, I like detail and imagery, but when it comes to writing, I'm more focused on the story line, and less focused on the flowery-type words used--it's all about being precise, clear, and free of too much description.
Words in red can be omitted.
The words in brackets need serious attention.
Paragraph Four:
Okay, this is too much. It is now four paragraphs into the story, and I'm still feeling your empty heart--it's gotta progress somewhere, and it needs to be quicker. If you keep on like this, you will lose your reader.
Now I’m collapsing and my heart{'}s corroding more with each fatigued pulsation of my heart.
This is quite an action. Your heart is collapsing whilst corroding...it's a bit much.
I struggle to [alude] the image of being alone, abandoned and unwanted, my [heart] is starving for the sweet taste of a companion, yet i have trifle to satisfy it with. I can't contend without you,
"alude" should be "allude"--also, what are you making an indirect reference to?
You use "heart" way too much. I'd suggest trimming, because redundancies lead to monotony.
I can't contend without you, it’s like we have become two far-flug people, the last thing you said, was twenty seconds ago, it cut like a keen(,) uncontaminated sword deep beneath my skin. It feels like an eternity has just passed without you.
Watch your tense shifts, and you may want to remove some of those commas with periods. You also have too much going on in this paragraph, and there's a change in scene which needs to be established through another paragraph. I would suggest sticking part of this sentence in with the next paragraph (before "the last thing you said").
Paragraph Five:
This is a pivotal moment, but it has taken too long to get to this point. Again, watch the tense shifts, and seriously consider removing the word "heart".
Paragraph Six:
I collapse right there and then in a heap, like a pack of cards that were blown over by the wind. [I am out cold, I feel nothing and then I start dreaming that I am counterfeiting that i can have a significant bond with another girl]. She is not my type, she won't exclusively fill my void, but she’s got to be better than trifle. [[[I ask her the same six worded question i asked you, and she said yes with open arms.]]]
Why do you collapse? This is a bit dramatic, considering an argument hasn't occured--also, the six words you said...aren't they nine?
I have no idea what you're talking about here. Are you saying you're trying to fool yourself into thinking you can have another girl? That's what I kind of get, but "counterfeit" doesn't really go with this sentence, and makes it too complicated to read.
In addition, there's a continuity problem here. How can you be talking to this one girl about parting, and then ask another girl the six-lettered words at the same time?
Paragraph Seven:
Our new accord is already feeling hollow, my sentiment for her astray, I’m just using her for the girlfriend appellation, and it feels erratic. I am her enchantment but she is not mine. I am going to hurt her as I did you. I just started a shallow relationship, and I know it’s not going to develop.
"are" should be "is" or pluralize "sentiments".
Feeling too much verbosity in these lines--consider trimming a little.
Paragraph Eight:
Not bad--it's all clear (maybe too clear in some cases), but it can be said in less time, I think.
This reads more like a Dear Joan letter.
I take up to continue the lie
Simplified: I continue to lie.
Paragraph Nine:
You're repeating yourself too much here--we've already established your feelings in the first and second paragraph (with the bottle reference)--no need to repeat.
Paragraph Ten:
I lied to her for a just over three weeks before she realised i just didn't feel as she did.
Make sure to capitalize all "I"s. Also, before this paragraph, you need a double space to indicate this is a different scene.
I went over to her place that afternoon straight after school, prepared for the worst, I drove my little blue corolla over there, I spent all of about ten minutes there, she stated how she felt, and I told her my side of the story.
Too many commas here. There needs to be a period after "I drove", and instead of saying "I spent all of about...", add and before that. You need a period after "she stated".
Paragraph Eleven:
I take of(f) down the road like there is no tomorrow
Not sure I'm fond of the "no tomorrow" bit, but you redeem yourself in the next line--good.
Paragraph Twelve:
I tell myself there is no partner for me in this town, I haven’t many friends and I’m telling myself I have no chance at finding a partner.
You are repeating what you already said.
Paragraph Thirteen:
Why have you decided to head to Newcastle out of all the places on Earth? I am curious. What's there that is so welcoming? I think you should mention something about this.
Paragraph Fifteen:
Wait a minute...you (the narrator) is the one that lied, and you're saying you were hurt by them? I see the selfishness of this person, it's clear--kind of makes me loathe him in a way...
I leave it on my desk hoping that somehow miraculously you get it.
Paragraph Sixteen:
down all 18 stairs and out the door, I see my mum standing on the porch, she’s looking straight at me, there are wells of tears in her eyes, but she does nothing, and she says nothing, she just watches. [[She doesn’t understand why, but neither do I.]]
Think about it. Does a reader need to know how many stairs you climbed down, or that you had climbed down stairs?
And understand what? This is where you do need to be descriptive.
Paragraph Seventeen:
It's okay. It shows the narrator is definitely human.
Watch out for excessive use of commas. I didn't point all of them out, but there are a lot. I'd suggest sticking this in MSWord, or read aloud to figure out where the periods need to be.
Paragraph eighteen:
Watch for unnecessary tense shift.
Paragraph nineteen:
You do have the detail here--it's definitely not lacking, but you may want to ask yourself if it's relevant. Is seeing your neighbors a moment you want to reveal to the reader? What part do they have to play in this story? I do see where you're going with this, though. You want to show how embarrassed you are, or ashamed because you're leaving your hometown.
Paragraph Twenty:
I'm sure I lost track of what paragraph is what, but you will get it I'm sure.
I drive onto the main road and continue on for 4 hours straight. Eventually I can’t take it anymore, I stop on the side of the highway, my hands move from the steering wheel to cover my eyes from the world [and] I start to cry. “I have no future”, I scream “I only have a past”.
All small numbers need to be typed out (e.g. 4- four)
"and" should be "as"
I'm really not feeling sorry for this individual. He lies, then wants the world to feel sorry for him, or to take pity on him--not sure I get why. It seems the only thing he has to be depressed about is losing two girls. It seems a bit superficial to me...but it's a story--gotta keep telling myself that.
Paragraph Twenty-One:
Story makes progress--you arrive at Newcastle.
Paragraph Twenty-Two:
All good
Paragraph Twenty-Three:
So much for the promised land, eh? What sounds off to me is the fact that you know this is a "doghouse" of a place before you go see it.
Paragraph Twenty-Four:
I like this paragraph. Great description. I definitely get a feel for the scenery, and know too well that icky smell of lonliness--good.
Paragraph Twenty-Five:
be harder [that] I could have ever imagined.
than
Paragraph Twenty-Six:
on the mouldy and swollen kitchen bench
In the great abstract of things, a kitchen bench can be swollen, but when you say it here, it just sounds awkward.
Paragraph Twenty-Seven:
Titles of movies need to be capitalized.
Paragraph Twenty-Nine:
The narrator thinks he can escape from his problems--there's good conflict here.
Paragraph Thirty:
and I put the flowers on the swollen and mouldy kitchen bench next to the photo of you.
You already mentioned this.
Paragraph Thirty-One:
I call you and on the phone you start crying, calling yourself a cow, [your] telling me that the only reason you said no, was because of the way your now ex-boyfriend treated your fragile heart.
A cow? Maybe the connotations are different where I am, but "cow" usually refers to a fat person.
Aside, I'm not sure I get this paragraph. I thought the narrator had been dumped by this girl, and then you bring in her boyfriend? Is she that quick to get another guy? A little confusing here.
"your" should be "you're"
Paragraph Thirty-Two:
He swept you off your feet, too you to the highest point of the tallest building, he took your heart and threw it off. It hit rock bottom with an almighty force, shattering your fragile heart [into a million pieces].
This still doesn't explain it. You're just stretching this out too much. Also, this is very cliche`, and almost kiddish--heavy on verbs.
Paragraph Thirty-Three:
You say you sincerely love me with your heart, but [your]-re not ready to, because part of your heart is still in other places, and you don’t want to start what would be an already failing relationship.
Omit a couple "hearts". I'm not sure I get this one, either. It's all too vague, and it goes nowhere and takes up unnecessary space. I'd suggest trimming the repetitious/dead parts. This should allow your story to come out more, rather than being weighed down with things that don't really matter, or can be trimmed.
Paragraph Thirty-Four:
Not sure about the anger, but then again, I'm not sure about much of this part.
Paragraph Thirty-Five:
A lot of rhetoric, not a lot of explaining.
Paragraph Thirty-Six:
Another pivotal point...perhaps leading up to a climax of sorts.
Paragraph Thirty-Seven:
How odd...by the way, how did she know where to send the flowers???? Is she psychic? She must be if she's standing on the edge of the ocean a couple feet away from you doing the same thing you're contemplating doing. Coincidence? I dunno...it's kind of far-fetched.
Paragraph Thirty-Eight:
A little bit corny, but it shows love prevails.
Paragraph Thirty-Nine:
So here's the great epiphany moment...you're saying your heart was never incomplete, but your mind had been--but then you say it was your mind that "seen through" other people--that doesn't necessarily make it incomplete, it just makes it more perceptive, perhaps? Because you have an ability to see through to the core of a person, rather than just the guiise. I'd suggest re-wording this part.
Paragraph Forty:
As I said earlier, you do have a poetic flair, but it's hard to be poetic and write an effective story at the same time. Too many hearts in this story.
Paragraph Forty-Two:
You see I have woken, and you cry harder and I start crying to. Then the nurse comes in, she tells me what happen, I had hit my head on the side of a seat and split it open and knocked myself out, so told me how lucky I was to be alive, and all I could do was agree - because I had you.
Interesting turn of events--I like it. I think the ending is what is strong, and definitely worth revising for.
Conclusion:
This shows how blind love is. A good conclusion.
Overall:
Overall, this story needs serious TLC, but it has the skeletal structure, and it can be molded into something great.
Recap:
These are the main areas you need to work in strengthening/doing away with:
Tense shifts--for every shift of tense, make sure it gets a new paragraph, or better yet, don't shift until the end.
Comma splices: There are many places that need attention. You can use periods in most cases.
Clarity: There are some parts that are very unclear, and a bit contradictory to what's going on in your story.
Repetition: This is the big one. I can't count how many times I read the word "heart" it loses it's luster after a while--like anything that's been over-polished. On the same note, sometimes you repeat the same sentence (or parts of the same sentence) twice. Keep it fresh and engaging for the reader--they'll want to read more if you do.
But please don't get discouraged. I'm only one opinion. It's best to get many opinions in this case, and hopefully it will make your work blossom--you have the words, just need to form them into a story.
I wish you well, and I thank you for sharing this piece.
Val X
PS-If/when you decide to revise this piece, let me know and I will change the rating to match the edit.
Thanks!
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