Firstly, I love the layout of this poem. It matches your topic wonderfully. Your words are also very good, but I think the layout is the strongest part of this poem--good job!
This is a very infortmative article you have written.
I have never been one to call an altered way of eating a "diet" because once I do that, I don't lose weight--giggle. I used to follow something similar to the South Beach Diet, and still do to a degree. I ate 20 carbs a meal (discrediting dietary fiber), and I went from 170 pnds, to 100 pnds in a couple years. It was effective until I had my son, then the weight piled on, and the pounds were harder to shed...still, I may try this different way of eating--it could work. You never know until you try, right?
As for the drinking issue, why not freshly blended fruit drinks? Don't have to worry about added sugar or sodium, and it's all natural...would that be another possibility for this diet?
Coffee? Can't give that up, no matter what. I have a feeling a lot of people are like me when faced with that issue
Very powerful poem. You had me reading until the end, because your suspense is so gripping. In addition, I love the abstract feel of this poem, and your words are very original, placed well, and the layout adds to the suspense. Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem, and I'm glad I picked this one to read as the first of the morning; a nice wake-up poem to get me going.
I did notice a couple odd parts due to missing words. If this was your intention, please disregard.
Yet her heart still [beat] for me
beats
Now that I look at it again, there are some tense confusions which are a bit bothersome. You switch from past to present, back to past, and it's hard to thoroughly enjoy this poem when there's so much of a change and not a segue.
Example:
Each time, lights [shine]
White skin [tore] at her
White skin slapped and smeared her
This was probably your intention, but I thought I'd point it out anyway, because as the reader, I'm not looking to have everything explained to me (like a little ambiguity--it does the body good ), but this just looks a bit sloppy. Again, this could have been your intention to give the impression it wasn't thought out...but I don't know how you work, so...
Moving along...
rats wait to fed
"rats wait to be fed"
Okay, I'm done picking.
------
Other than that, I enjoyed the fast pace, clear rhythm towards the end, and overall layout of your piece--it was definitely gripping, and the ending was delicious
Although I'm not really one for fixed form or rhyme schemes, your poem is done well. There is a distinct meter, it's only slightly off in one or two places, which makes it a painless read. Overall, it's a pleasant, sweet poem about love done through the metaphor of "sea", which represents the person with whom the poet holds affection.
As for the off meter parts, I would suggest watching out for overused, or unnecessary prepositions.
Example:
S6/L4:
"And I began to take my leave"
When you have "and" in this line, it breaks up the continuity of your verse. I would suggest omitting it because you will not lose any important parts while doing such.
Also, the stanza that follows could easily follow the same suggestion with "and" in the last line.
Other than that, you have a strong concluding stanza, and beautiful, clear imagery.
Beautiful poem you have here--it's ripe with imagery and a certain calmness about it. It reminds me of my stay in Greece, when I happened upon a band of gypsies at a bus station. Of course, they didn't look as pleasant as you described them, but they certainly had a mysterious quality that made them interesting...and to be feared. My uncle always told me to stay away from them.
As for your poem, I like the contrast, and in a way, it reminds me of Sleeping Gypsy, by Henri Rousseau-- a very dreamy, moon-swept landscape much like the one you described.
Right on! This piece screams "WAKE UP YOU BLITHERING FOOLS!". I love your energy, and it's a wonderful thing--don't ever lose it!
I get mad when people say poetry has to be "flowery" or "overly-emotional"... who made those rules? There shouldn't even be rules--they're counterproductive.
Anyway, back to your poem...as I said earlier, I like your voice, and in this one you're also sure of yourself and where you stand.
Suggestions:
No suggestion, really, more of an observation...
molding you into something [your] not?
I like this. You have a great rhythm, sound voice, and you even throw in a little rhyme (which makes me cringe a little), but it's done well. I especially enjoyed the beginning with the Band-Aids, and the ending, also.
Overall, I was most impressed by your sense of self. I know it may sound a little corny, but you sound like you're sure of yourself in this poem (as I'm sure your others are like this one, also), and it's a unique, albeit strange (goodie!), piece.
The beginning of your poem is a little choppy, and I'm not so sure I like the unnecessary repetition of "blue", but "threaten" works out well.
Suggestions:
Never does actually do it.
I had to stop and read this twice. The way you have the words now, there's a dent in the flow.
I would suggest simplifying it and smoothing the rough edges:
Never actually does it
sounds more natural, and smoother.
Aside, I do like your voice. It's easy to pick up, and it's not pretentious sounding, or trying to sound Shakespearean--which is a bore.
-This is the start of what could potentially be a great poem. Do proofread, please. I noticed a couple typos, and "its" should be a contraction.
Overall, you have great sense of voice, and your imagery is wonderful. Keep at it!
I think this short story has potential, but (as one reviewer kinda pointed out), it flops on the monitor, and is almost as if you're just describing events rather than REALLY getting to the heart of the situation.
I found the frequent use of periods a bit tiresome, but then I realized why you had done it ( I think), to give the impression of chaos with stop-start motion. It may be more effective (if you were actually mimicking the Tsunami) to work with this piece as one, gargantuan run-on, to give even more of a feeling of chaos.
Another suggestion--watch out for awkward verb tense shifts (see second paragraph).
Other than that, I liked the mud man reference--it's quite abstract. Keep at it.
LOL. This was oddly hilarious! I can't really see myself in this type of relationship because I would be saying "please, take it and don't come back!" (giggle). You've made my day, though.
I liked this poem, and I do not have any suggestions for improvement.
I like this! I don't understand why you've gotten such a low rating. It meets the requirements of the contest, and it's very interesting. I especially enjoyed the last stanza, and I like how it has such an organic feel to it--very rich in imagery.
Funny poem...I think . I like how you don't tell the reader what happened that caused you to lose your appetite, because we could guess it must have been something REALLY bad.
Of course, I'm left wondering, but that's a good thing!
I hate poems that tell me what I don't really HAVE to know--your way is more effective and engaging because there's an element of mystery with it.
Very interesting! I like your poem (even though I'm not too fond of rhyming verse), but yours is done well. There are a couple parts where the rhythm changes (see first stanza end, second stanza beginning), making it a bumpy read.
You mentioned in your caption you're trying to work on your voice a little more, that's where I see some problems. Think of it this way, would you actually say:
Holding her soul desire of this life’s clout
Which is a bit wordy and unnatural sounding.
Or
would you say...
the {fill in the blank) was oblivious
It just sounds more natural, and it doesn't beat around the proverbial bush.
So, I'm not quite sure if this is an effective voice for these times. It sounds more poetic than it should (if you're working on voice alone).
I don't know what to say other than keep at it!
It took me a couple years to harness my voice, and I'm still trying to reel it in. It definitely doesn't happen over night.
Interesting poem--especially the first two stanzas. I liked it all, but that last three stanzas which sound more like song lyrics...the music is in my head, but it doesn't quite fit with the beginning of your poem.
I found this piece in The Review Request Page, and in your caption you expressed you were thinking about sending this to a college magazine.
It is very hard to estimate if it's worthy of publication, as the editors who read your work may base material on many levels (eg. clarity, message, appeal, easily fits and enhances importance of magazine overall). It is especially hard to ask the question here, because you will wind up with a myriad of responses, thus leaving you probably more confused or burdened than you should be.
In my opinion, this piece needs a bit of cleaning up.
What is with the unnecessary question marks?
?Red ones to the right, green ones to the left?. These were the first words I heard after three days of tiring journey to the ?Indira group of Islands?.
--One thing that's imperative is proofreading. Simply letting the computer do the work for you is, quite frankly, the lazy way to do things. Editors WILL notice this--this will work against you, not for you.
The truck took about half an hour to reach the base. I could clearly see the havoc that had been unleashed on this land. Corpses of civilians and soldiers had been stripped naked and hung mercilessly on tree branches. By the time I reached the base,
--Okay, this is redundant. You already mentioned you reached the base, then you mention it again.
Strangely enough, there were very few males.
--Why were there few males? You do not explain this further.
His eyes were stone cold.
--Cliche`
water poisoned by those [blastid ] rebels.
--"blasted"
I sat down to examine
--Watch verb tenses
Then I checked her womb
--This part sounds funny to me. How do you go about "checking a womb"? There needs to be detail here.
----
As for the rest of this piece, you jump around a lot from one tense to the other without so much as a segue.
Also, in some parts, there's a conversational tone (because the cadet is reliving the events), and then there's an almost sterile (methodical--disconnected) narrator in other parts.
Overall, I think this piece needs a lot of work both in proofreading and in structure.
Don't give up, though. Keep writing!
ValidiumXXX
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