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179 Public Reviews Given
843 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Figure.  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
For idea, I like this. Maybe a little more added would help...

Something to the effect of, Carl went to bed...still bothered by the figure...
closes his eyes then hears a creak of his closet door...

I can see where some more picky readers will get stuck by errors.

You do have a few grammar issues still:

'the only sounds was the echo' SHOULD BE 'the only sound was the echo' OR 'the only sounds were'
then in that same sentence, 'as he walk down' SHOULD BE 'as he walked down'.

Near the end, 'carl stood frozen where he stood, to scared' A FEW THINGS THERE
'carl stood frozen, too scared...' you don't need to use 'stood' twice and 'too' not 'to' is correct there.


I wouldn't keep using the 'rustling leaves' over and over. Just once, then get a different metaphor.
2
2
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was somewhat vague, but the sort of vague that can lead the imagination.

I liked the 'sayings' idea. We've all had someone like Nancy, I'm sure.

Maybe a bit too thick on the British landscape or scenery for some to really
be in the authors shoes, but I got your point.

By saying Nancy was 'long-gone' leads the reader to think she's dead.

As we find out, she was not.
3
3
Review of The Turtle  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Oddly refreshing, rhyme aside.

This sounds more like the result of having a few drinks.

Talking turtle trees and the rocks who love them, sounds like a talk show in the
altered dimension.

I had to laugh at it, or with it I guess.

Amusingly different.
4
4
Review of Flying High  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting piece. Engaging and abstract.

I like the theme of riding into the end of life.

More could be made of an ancestral sun, since the sunlight is an integral part of
the overall message...

The final movement could use a few adjustments:

'crossing over into bright morning into the wild' using 'into' twice is a bit redundant.

Maybe adjust it to read: 'into bright morning embracing the wild'

Or space it for effect:

crossing over into bright morning
into the wild

I would also look at the spelling of 'Borne' unless you're English, or feel it somehow adds
to this, however Born would be correct.


One of the more enjoyable entries for Round 2: "Invalid Item" 
5
5
Review of The Purpose  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Let's put on our Teacher and Student hats for a moment here.

Being one who wants to encourage others to become better writers I feel this
is my chance to give you serious input which will hopefully allow you to break through
the creativity barrier which is blocking your ability to connect with potential readers.

This is constructive criticism at the level of master writer, in no way am I insulting you
as a person or telling you something I wouldn't change in my own writing.

Take time to remove the emotion from what your reaction would be and see the truth of
what is being said:



I'm not really sure what the purpose, or point of this is.

There's a build up to what the situation of the protagonist is, but there's
no payoff.

No climax that helps explain the situation.

So the guy was at a bar with another guy and they went somewhere with some other guys
after they had been there. What's the thing they did? Why are they sick? Why does the reader relate?
It's the authors job to be creative and do more than give a vague and pointless ending.

It has to be relatable. People must see themselves as David. We need to know what you've eluded to.

Be specific in what you're trying to say.


It's poorly worded in places: too spicy Indian food both caused you... / Ron hadn't drunk too much

Overly spicy Indian food caused you to... / Ron hadn't drank too much


Seriously go back and rethink this, it certainly can be improved.


There must be a reason for the reader to connect and the approach to this neither engages
nor gives the reader any sense of purpose.



6
6
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good job taking an otherwise frustrating situation and making it an adventure.

Isn't it just the type of situation all parents could find themselves in on any given day.
One minute it seems things have come together just right then it's monkey wrench time.

I'm not going to play editor for all four paragraphs, I'll leave it to you.

Let's look at the piece itself and check out some of the things I'd adjust:


I'd put a comma after 'to be put away, now graced the floor'.

Or use a period there at 'now graced the floor.' Starting a new sentence with
'Now used as slidy things' take 'now' out of the previous sentence keeping the comma 'graced the floor.'

In the third paragraph, 'so there I sat' should probably read 'there I sat'.

The final paragraph could use some punctuation also:

A period at 'thrown to the ground.' Taking out 'as' starting the next sentence with 'The tickle monsters...'
there's two 'ands' in that sentence also.

Finally the last sentence needs some punctuation:

A more correct way would be 'Laughing, playing and transforming...' I'd also put a period there after
'chaos to creativity.' Starting the next sentence with 'We join the ebb and flow of life, celebrating the...'

Remove 'and' from that sentence replacing with a comma like I did above.


Try to eliminate the run-on sentences adding commas or utilizing periods and rearranging slightly
to start a new sentence like I've shown.
7
7
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
Not bad.

I like the title 'falling into the sky'.

There should be more emphasis on it I think, not just simply repeating it.

I mean more of the core idea being developed

Example:

Falling into the sky / clouds are my companions / relieving the gravity bonds
to my struggle I am weightless...the possibilities are endless for it.


Repetition works in certain places, but not in the first movement.

Consuming silence, drowning silence, maybe use the second time around further down
and further into the piece...

Example:

reflected on the water
crying softly in the drowning silence


This helps the reader recall the meaning from the previous usage of the word silence.

Look at how sharp it becomes when I take out some unneeded words:


I lie here empty in the consuming silence
memories tearing away at me
crying softly to oblivion
watching shadows swallow the room


Don't be afraid to completely dissect your writing.

I do it for everything I write, just like I have here. By analyzing each line as if it will be the thing pointed
out by someone looking to critique.
8
8
Review of Be That As It May  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting piece.

There could be more depth given to many of the lines for dramatic effect.

Example:

Down and out
out of patience losing control
control is elusive to erratic thoughts
thoughts which demand seclusion
seclusion from a delirious soul
soul which hearkens for darkness

so on and so forth...

By expanding the vocabulary and expressing a larger idea the reader will be pulled
further into the:

Fury of thoughts which we want to convey.
Convey those ideas and make them your cornerstone.
Cornerstones which hold fast in the tempest.
Tempest of a world which infuriates a man.
Man who is too weak to defend his his own.
9
9
Review of Undecisive  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'd like to know who would complain about the length of this piece.

In most cases of poetry gone wrong an author writes too much without
any flair or relatability.

I like what you have here. There's no reason to push for more if this is what you
are comfortable with.

Let me give you a real critique which I hope will benefit you in the future.


First off, the word 'undecisive' is incorrect.

Indecisive or Undecided would be proper English.


I like the vague approach, it allows the reader to step back from the specific
and read this as if it were being thought and not spoken.

The arrangement could be stretched out to give the appearance of a longer piece,
and it would add more readability to it. I've also added 'quotations' to will and what.

See below:

Decisions required
minds lost
Judgements and ideas ignored
Tangled options
faced with conflict and fear
Hard images of the 'will'
end with the 'what'

Strong minds rot to dust
The hypothesis dissipates
Still in thought
Forever remaining
indecisive


Step back from the 'authors' mindset and look at the differences, however slight.

You are on the right track to developing a strong 'Page Presence'.
10
10
Review of Troubled Soul  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like what you've started.

Give it some more detail and open up the hidden emotions.

Example:

My mind is dark and twisted
filled with turmoil
I am neither happy nor sad
I merely exist
One day blends into the next
I push on

Let's expand it a bit:

dark and twisted thoughts
fill me with turmoil
I merely exist
from one day to the next
happiness escapes the mind
sorrow is not friend or foe
existing to push on


I also like the reference to a knife... let's see what the Dagger can do with it:

this is my fight
any strength that lingers
I summon
existing to push on
cutting darkness down
nurturing the pieces of light
which remain


I like to repeat a central idea sometimes for dramatic effect, like using 'existing to push on'
in both examples.

We see new things emerge when we use the right tool...

Everything I write gets the blade, to help the final version along its way to becoming great.
11
11
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
Everyone does have a story.

You could call this prose since it's a bit more of a story than a poem.

I like what is written, but it could be trimmed back a bit.

Not that you've over-done anything or overused the same ideas, but a simple
scaling back of lines like:

well that young man has long gone
and all that is left is his shell,
and in that shell, is a lifetime's worth of wisdom,
a wonderful history,

cut back to

that young man is gone
in his shell a life's worth of wisdom


Short of doing the entire piece my point is don't be afraid to be brief.

Knowing when extra verbiage is needed and when it's not takes time to develop.

As a first step you are heading in the right direction.
12
12
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Great idea. I like the uses of purple and its shades...

I'm not sure indigo is really one of them, but honestly it's not too far from it.

You also mention how tiny indigo things sing the blues, so it works.

Could this have been longer, or could the color wheel have been further explored?

Maybe, there's always time for that direction isn't there?

Regardless for this piece I can say:

'Laughing is lovable' and purple can be whimsical!
13
13
Review of Wings  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)

This puts a smile on the face. Who hasn't wanted to leap down a flight of stairs and catch their wings on air instead of falling down. Sadly we as human are not given the option of choosing winged life over bipedalism.

The 'huckster' could have a bit more depth, but I got the gist. I like the poetic parts that you intertwined through
the piece. 'A drifting feather in my memory' speaks volumes. I would even make a poem from this...

Aside from a spellcheck I wouldn't suggest much else.
14
14
Review of Old School Days  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (5.0)
Let me help get this above 3 stars.

For what most rhyming poetry around here is (drivel)
I can't believe something with an actual storyline didn't get a better rating.

I'd love to see the review from that person who rated this a 3.

Not that I haven't given 3's myself, I have, but for things that deserve it.

The last stanza was my favorite:

pencil cases filled to bursting...

treated like our next of kin...

Isn't that the truth though (?)

Very descriptive and idea driven, work on that type of poetry and you'll
get solid feedback every time!
15
15
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done.

In the spirit this is written I cannot critique capitalization and minor details
of word choice, not that I would point out much anyway with your piece.

If a morning routine can be made entertaining then you've certainly
found a niche in a world waiting for carving.

The end stands out the most to me:

the countless others...making precisely sworn...
detailed journeys...to the familiar
and unknown

Isn't that the very thing we all do daily(!)

Head out after dressing, to a pre-planned and determined place
without knowing the other events that might take place.

Such is life and fate and it's worth pondering from time to time.
16
16
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
I always enjoy human destruction poetry.

The idea of the ground opening up and swallowing empires is great.

'Burning all the strings that tied us to the world' is my favorite line.

My critique centers on the amount of words in some lines:

It is excellently worded up to, 'men, women and children...'

Example:

men, women and children looked at each other
as life left their eyes
animals could not flee
all were engulfed in destruction
forests fell leaving stumps and ashes
lightning erupted from black skies


By removing some words the imagery can be more effective.

Just like the line:

'a thousand days and a thousand nights we sat and stared'

cut right to the heart of the idea:

a thousand nights we stared
our minds held by apocalyptic visions

The term less is more is a useful tool to utilize especially when
begining to feel yourself over-describing.


Keep the reader riveted line after line, unrelenting and spellbinding.


Here's my own rule in writing:

As spoken word it's fine to take a longer route, as written word keep it tight.
17
17
Review of Sonic Doom  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well conceived.

Clouds are a lot like people it would seem.

Invading with ease, crying when they cannot stop the intrusion.

Casting bolts at one another, then forgetting it ever took place.

Surprised when it happens again...as always.

I would space 'crying when they cannot stop the intrusion' to add to the look
of this...so it doesn't run on.


There isn't any unnecessary verbiage here which sometimes puts a damper on
an otherwise well intended piece of writing.

In this case less is more, an entire story has been told in just a handful of lines.

Keep up the good work.
18
18
Review of Lost  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Points for the effort and realization that there will be no external
salvation from whatever situation the author is in.

As an author I want to relay more than a brief foray into dark places
and I want to give the reader a reason to remember that.

The flaw here is: it seems more like an intro to a larger piece.

There's some emotion, but a fleeting stab at it is all that remains.

Ask these questions:

Why is the mind racing?

Why is the heart aching?

Why is the face wet with tears and blood?

Why is there no answer...

Then you'll have your monumental exploration into the darker place
which we've only dipped our toes into with 'Lost'.
19
19
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I give the author points for intent, which is well conceived.

Take a moment to entertain this though.


Here's how I see this piece evolving:

Like toy soldiers in a row
Eyes shining bright on stoic faces

Each one pristine
With glistening swords

Prepared for battle and fire
In the suns piercing light

The soulless determined
Their purpose unknown

With valor they triumph
Casting evil to fate

Just like toy soldiers
All tossed aside



Many "contests & groups" on this site have a preoccupation with what's called
"traditional poetry."

In my time here I have given harsh reviews and never taken back a word
spent on improving one's perspective toward their works.

Too often do "rhymers" take offense to my input without taking time to read
the type of things I've put in my portfolio, but my intent is not to hurt or harm.

My intent is to take a scalpel to what may need trimming and display the new parts
that were given new life.

I read your bio-block and accept that you may prefer to use rhyme, but there is
much more to poetry than that!


All the best,

Mr Pen Dagger
20
20
Review of Today  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
A 10-year self inflicted hiatus from writing?

This doesn't look like the work of one who's rusty, spare the punctuation.*(see below)

I like the repetition in places, it wasn't contrived or unnecessary.

The reader can sense the ebb and flow of your emotion and with you the reader
can understand the unspoken feelings that would lead you to yell or sing.

In the end we are brought back to the 'here and now' and I can almost sense
a smile of my own.


Punctuation: depending on the writers 'page presence' or 'style' punctuation is
not as much an obligatory thing as it is a preference. So in my eyes you did not
require periods or commas since the flow was well conceived.

I rarely use much more than a dash or two to designate one line from the next, though everyone may not agree and I do not require them to.



VG
21
21
Review of I am  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.0)
Argument for the poem:

You prove with this piece religious poetry doesn't have to be a shameless
tribute to ones faith.

There is a necessity for peace and understanding in the world.

It could almost be seen as non-religious, spare the last line.


Argument against:

So what happens if peoples beliefs don't align?

Will all the god things of 'I Am' be rescinded?

A true soldier of love cannot expect others to follow where they don't
choose to go.

So then understanding and peace is not guaranteed without the
obligatory belief system, which is the antithesis of christs message.

22
22
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice job.

I really liked #1 & #4

2 & 3 seem similar with the fishing line references...but still nice imagery used to
spell the reader from leaping to conclusions.

So without rushing to judgement I made sure to finish the piece.

I think you should make parts 1 & 2 out of what is 2 & 3 currently...they are very much the same vein and would serve you well in that arrangement.

23
23
Review of Aftermath  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent use of Long Form.

You have used Gaines Verse well and on the first attempt there are no corrections
or syllable counts to change.

You have followed the 7-6-5-7 pattern to a 16 line triumph!

A tragic incident taken and made into self expression.

I enjoyed the outside view of the world and the cold pale distance you saw
from a point of detachment.

You returned to earth and confronted the things that drove you away.

Too often do I see a retreating poet running from their reality instead of embracing
the verse with clarity and courage.

Too often do I say make the piece fit what you want to have happen not merely
what has happened.

For that I give a rare top rating.
24
24
Review of Storm Music  
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nicely done.

I liked this piece throughout, your use of nature and emotion is well conceived.

Mobius may be too intelligently crafted for many to grasp...

Several things could be drawn from that word, but most probably won't be the
one you're aiming to describe.

A continuous one sided rectangular surface...whoa mathematician dude!
25
25
Review by Vincent Gaines
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gloria in excelsis De-o...do I have the song right? Either way...

This was short, yet abstract enough to create some good images.

I also wasn't turned off by the 'religious' undertones, as it felt like more of an
account of being there as opposed to unhappily sitting through it.

Too often do I have to cringe when reading about church related topics,
but this is a rare piece which transcends my disdain for pop-religious culture.

There could be another movement to this, but if the material wasn't equal it would
offset it in a negative way.

My only critique is line 4:

Mass kneels on bars. In plural form the 'masses' would 'kneel' on bars.

Or 'bars for kneeling masses' or 'the kneeling bars of mass'

Depending on the context you are using for the word 'mass' would determine
the way it should be worded.

As it's written it implies people as a 'mass' not the worship service 'mass' which is why I tried to give several examples.

The last example being for 'mass' as a worship service.
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