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Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Christmas Fire  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review in "K'neto's Hotline"  has been granted by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


*Delight* I like this statement! >
The only lights shining at all were those in the children’s eyes, hopeful as always – as children are – that someone or something will come along and put the spirit back into Christmas for their family.
- Very nice writing!

*Laugh* This is pretty hilarious writing, I think. >
I was lying on the floor, tangled up like a pretzel with my legs halfway in and halfway out of my already inside out pants,...
- I like the way you weave your humor amidst all the adrenaline.

*Note1* Check out the typographial error. >
“6322 El Portal, Sun City. I is that it?”

*Note1* This should probably end in a question mark. >
Where has humanity’s heart gone(?), I wondered.

*Star* This is first class writing... One of the best essays I've read for a very long time! You should get it published!

*Bullet* The message is clearly revealed at the end of the essay... There's no question about it!

*Bullet* I liked the idea how you made a narrative essay about your experience... I think it made its purpose... rather than having it in the form of a short story.

*Bullet* The speaker or the narrator (which is you, I suppose) is very likeable... a very strong person indeed! She is well described and her emotions are well implied.

*Bullet* You successfully emphasized the meaning of Christmas in a very interesting way... Just right.

*Bullet* In my opinion, there is unity and all the paragraphs (and subplots) were coherent with each other and are all helpful for the development of your opinion.

*Bullet* By the way, that was a very enlightening concluding part!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
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27
27
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you and congratulations for a very successful event! I really enjoyed everything... from the contests... to the decorations... to all the party giveaways! I am really happy that Writing.Com has attained significant success in only 5 years... I am predicting it would be the biggest and bestest next year! (Well, it seems it already is!) Here's a 5-star rating for more birthdays to come!!! *Balloon1*CHEERS!!!*Balloon1*
28
28
Review of Stormy Shakedown  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review in "K'neto's Hotline"  has been granted by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


*Note1* First and foremost, your intro rating should be 13+.

*Note1* "side" should start with a small letter because it is still included in the statement. >
“Terrible night, huh...

*Note1* Use indentions and/or spaces to distinguish individual paragraphs.

*Idea* How about separating the clauses into separate sentences instead of using a semicolon? >
“Dammit, one of the window sensors has...
- I seldom "see" dialogues with semicolons.

*Note1* Comma after "purpose." >
“You didn’t forget anything, you triggered...
*Idea* For thoughts, you may use the italics form, sans the quotation marks. >
“What a joke, I can’t believe...

*Note1* "over" is unnecessary. >
The overweight guard walked clumsily over...

*Note1* Small lettered "the" >
“Sure, sure, fine, just don’t hurt me,” The...

*Note1* Comma after "you." >
“I don’t need any luck from you.”

*Note1* Comma after "move" and "man." >
“Bad move old man.”

*Question* "turned" again?
He turned to walk away and the guard’s...
He turned with reflexes faster...

*Note1* Comma after "Parker." >
Parker are you there? What was that noise?

*Question* Who really set the sensors? >
You yell at me for triggering a sensor and you set the entire...
*Confused* I thought it was Zie... >
“You didn’t forget anything, you triggered that on purpose Zei!”

*Note1* Try to sick with one POV. >
Had he gone mad?

*Note1* You can split it into two... and add a comma after "behind." >
The duo immediately scrambled down the path, behind Lurin could hear yells and footsteps.

*Note1* Another POV dilemma. >
Or so he thought.
- You started with a third person point-of-view.

*Note1* Sentence too long... try splitting. >
The corner was so close, they only needed...

*Reading* It seems that started the story, as if the lead characters are the guards... but judging from the item description, and the ending of the first chapter, it's the thieves, unless you are planning to take on a multiple-viewpoint novel... I suggest you stick to a single POV per chapter... leave the switching to the next ones.

*Star* It has a lot of action... and the pacing is fast just like an opening scene in an action movie.

*Bullet* As I've said, there is still confusion with the characters... but well, this is just chapter one, so I'm expecting to learn more in the succeeding parts. However, because you mentioned the full name of the guard in the first lines, I expect that they are the "stars" in this particular chapter... and they're not because of the over-all feel of the said chapter and the item description itself.

*Bullet* The dialogue was a bit confusing... And I almost felt that there was a narrator involved because of the "side-comments" in the story such as, "This stone, if you could call it that,..." Try to work on it.

*Bullet* The setting was overlooked... in the sense that little attention has been given to it.

*Bullet* Furthermore, the plot should be caefully planned to avoid confusion within the events.

*Delight* This seems to be a nice story (and nice concept) waiting to unfold... with a few brushes, it would turn out squeaky clean and shiny.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
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29
29
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, K'neto! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


*Star* This is an enjoyable read!!!

*Note1* Misspelled "shiny" >
And her hair, shinny...

*Laugh* This made me smile >
Did you ever carry an armload...

*Note1* The characters were all likeable, and I was surprised by the ending.

*Note1* What accent was the lead character? I don't know, but I almost felt like I was transported there in the 1930s... even the camera was very realistic!

*Note1* The plot was very stong in this article... and the dialogue, as I've mentioned were all excellent.
Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

*Star* Over-all, this is something to recommend to all... better check it out!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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30
30
Review of Accused  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


This is an interesting story!!! You have a distinct writing style that cuts deep in the heart.

*Confused* This is a confusing statement. >
It could have been my mother not his standing there.

*Note1* a comma after "again" >
Again I move out of my cell in a fog.

*Idea* Consider parallelizing the last part of this sentence >
A deep rush of emotions churns up from below and swallows me and like lava blasts the vent open.

*Delight* I like the last sentence... like a rainbow at the end of the storm... maybe you should put inspirational, too, on your item.

*Idea* Perhaps you could change the title... 'coz for me, "accused" is usually associated with the innocent.

I felt sad for the victim... and I felt happy for the main character, 'coz he finally admitted his wrong.

Thanks for sharing this enlightening piece!!!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
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31
31
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


This seems to be a very serious poem... but it really isn't!!! You've been very clever in pulling this one off!

You used excellent analogies in the middle of your poem... I never thought of these things as you have imagined them to be.

I was only confused with the last word... what does it really mean???

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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32
32
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


This is an amazing piece!!! You are truly right -- you don't write much, and when you do, it's a volcano full of wonderful ideas of lava, ashes, and flowing magma!!!

You have been pretty concise, detailed, and meticulous in all the benefits one could get when using this site. I hope the young essayist has finally realized the big wrong he has done... which is to accuse WDC as a mere money trap.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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33
33
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


*Note1* a comma after "well" >
Well we threw back shots all afternoon

*Note1* "sponsor" >
I've almost fallen back several times but thanks to close...

Actually, even if it was supposed to make me laugh, I felt pretty sad for Bob Dempty's fate... and Boy Blue's, too. But I see the moral in it... that taking drugs is never fun, and that a serious consequence is waiting for you in the end once you decide to use it.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful piece!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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34
34
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


Here are my suggestions and comments:

*Note1* "had" >
Laughing until she realized she hand...

*Note1* recheck this sentence >
Beth handed him the tape...

*Question* Which looked scary? >
Susanne frowned, which...

*Note1* a comma after "ass" instead of a period >
"Kick his ass."

*Note1* a comma after "it" instead of a period >
"Shove it."

*Note1* This information came a bit too late. >
They were all students at Master Praise...

*Note1* "you're" >
"Your nuts."

*Note1* This one's unnecessary. >
"So are we." Terra admitted.
- What's the deal with the "being lost" issue? They all look scared and eager to get out of the cave, weren't they?

*Note1* You forgot the apostrophe here >
"Then lets pick one."

*Idea* Rephrase this one. >
She found her flashlight, which was dim.
- the flashlight couldn't have been dim... maybe the light was.

*Note1* a comma after "dead" >
If we don't get out of here, we're all dead."

*Note1* a comma after "quick" >
We've got to get out of here and quick."

*Note1* apostrophe in "let's">
"Lets do it." Tabitha said.

*Note1* a comma after "me"
"Me too!"

*Note1* apostrophe in "let's" >
"Lets go this way."

*Note1* "she" instead of "the"; comma after "is" >
"There it is." Beth said as the stood a few feet...

*Note1* Clarify the speaker >
Tabitha backed away toward a tunnel to her right. The man approached slowly. "Stay away."

*Note1* "Robert's" >
The man opened his mouth, showing fangs tainted with Roberts blood.

*Note1* "at" >
He looked a Beth.

*Note1* This is incomplete. >
Anne woke to semi darkness and a man who was too tall and pale to be normal.

*Question* Based on this paragraph,... >
The horrible thing was that Beth had escaped him...
- Beth should've been scared and didn't want anywhere near the vampire... but why did she still setup a bet? What was she trying to prove???

Overall, it was sort of a rollercoaster thriller ride... maybe it should have been smoother (the ride, that is) if you put it in the form of a script -- with all the dialogue in there. Honestly, I don't like the idea of snippets revolving in a story, 'coz I'm easily confused... But you had the right elements of scare and gothicness... I just didn't get the main character... but I guess, she was really meant to be tha way: mysterious and weird. Congratulations for being successful in scaring your readers!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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35
35
Review of A Little Favor  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


This story is a gem! I'm glad I read it!!!

I only noticed one thing >
He would have said something...
- This sentence confused me... maybe 'coz it' too long.

*Delight* I just love the last paragraph!!! It's a perfect scene... the perfect resolution for the conflict in your story... it only reflects that you planned the plot carefully...

The execution of the scenes, and even the realisic dialogue helped a lot to formulate the excellent work which is yours.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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36
36
Review of The Race  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


The story is very sweet... and I think you did well with the prompts.

Bu it had a few bumps, I noticed:

*Question* There was more than one event? >
The day’s events were being held...

*Note1* This sentence is confusing. >
The recent bad weather had...

*Idea* Try rephrasing this part. >
it was who was the fastest...

*Note1* This sentence is unnecessary. >
In all the years I have been watching...

*Note1* "good-naturedly" >
Later as we were...

*Delight* What I like was the way you presented it: by the POV of another supporting character... you couldn't have pulled it off better had you tried another one. And this led to piece full of emotion... the ordinary moments between siblings, captured in a few scenes.

Over-all, it was a good read. Just try to focus on your expressions, and how clear and concise they will come out of the story (no matter how short i may be). Also keep in mind unnecessary information which will only confuse an unwary reader.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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37
37
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


This is a nice essay you've got here!!! It is short and sweet... a perfect gift for a loving brother like yours!

I would just like to comment on your 2nd paragraph: it seemed a little bit loose because of the short sentences dotting all over it... try to create longer statements which help in the details to avoid confusion or boredom for specific readers.

And by the way, a question mark here is unnecessary. >
Best of all?
- a comma will do, and you could connect it to the next sentence.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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38
38
Review of Nightfall  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


Wow! You got me hooked up with your story, up to the very last line... You did great with just a few words... and I think a sequel (of sorts) should follow... I'm beginning to wonder where the next adventure of the stranger would be.

*Idea* Please change your item description. It would be better if you write an overview for the story in order to gain readership.

*Idea* This sentence, I think, should be placed at the end of the paragraph >
The menfolk soon...

You get a "5" because you really did a great job of putting out a very short story, full of promise and attitude.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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39
39
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


I enjoyed reading this one. Despite a few bumps, a little magic, and emotion might liven it up a bit.

Here are my comments and suggestions:

*Confused* I'm not good in math... but where did its title come from?

*Note1* The second sentence sounds redundant... try rephrasing it.

*Note1* Using "unspecified" in the following sentence makes it redundant as well >
When it specifies water...

*Note1* Put "a" before "platform" >
Make new platform

*Delight* I like your direct-to-the-point snap descriptive storytelling. Keep the words coming through!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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40
40
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


You did perfetly well with this piece... I felt the strong emotion in each line... and you have been very consistent with the parallelism (I couldn't think of a more apt term) with each stanza... I ain't sure if this is a known poetry form (is it?) but you pulled it off smoothly.

*Delight* The last two lines are my favorite parts... It makes me think of a peaceful death despite all the patient's sufferings...

Try to include Spiritual in your genre, 'coz it's the strong point of your poem.

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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41
41
Review of Romance  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!*Balloon1*


What a lovely piece! You captured a very heart-melting scene with just a few words... you did a great job characterizing the main character!

Here are a few suggestions:

*Idea* The title could help gain readership if it catches enough attention.

*Idea* If you could, italicize mental monologues for readers' convenience >
Could he keep his...

*Idea* a colon instead of a comma after "knew" >
others that he knew...

*Delight* Aww... the ending is very sweet!

Oftentimes, even when I have suggestions, I give a perfect rating because it is already excellent as it is... It is now your choice if you want to follow these point-outs.

By the way, it has a sexual relevance... so try changing the item rating to 13+, ok? *Laugh*

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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42
42
Review of March Winds  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!*Balloon1*


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

This poem rocks!!! You write with ease and original flavor... your style is very remarkable and every line speaks of wit and humor... nice job!!!

The rhyming is fine... I only noticed one thing I didn't like:

*Note1* I feel that this rhyme was forced >
But I'm only six; so it isn't long

Eventhough it had an irregular syllable count, the lines were just flowing gracefully withou hesitation.

*Delight* This part excites me >
She whips out the string and a piece of felt..
And attaches me through a loop in my belt.

*Idea* "cloud-filled" >
Into a puffy cloud filled sky!

{e:biglaugh) I enjoyed his one -- very funny!!! >
He's attached to the cord from a phone!

{e:note1} a comma after says >
Aunt Kathy says "That's it for today,

In a nutshell, your poem has a fresh feeling on it, and would be very appropriate to be read to little children with a wild imagination (like yours!). Despite the few technical errors, you still deserve a 5-star rating from me... And I'm sure you can do something about them anyway!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
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43
43
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very well said, Isa!!! I agree with everything you have written here... especially the ratings not justified with the reviews... check out my hotline post: "What a loser!!!"   'coz I myself had got one!

You have clarified some of the many issues regarding malicious reviews, irresponsible feedbacks, and the likes... and this is the reason why I gave you a 5-star rating... I am proud of writers like you who boldly speak out their opinion on certain matters especially on the aspect of reviewing, one of the most important activities here in Writing.Com.

More power and keep writing!
44
44
Review of The Watercourse  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review has been granted by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!*Balloon1*


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

Finally, I'm giving you the feedback you've been asking... I have been thinking of Penny, really... she's the only character I didn't like, to tell you the truth... She had been very childish (but isn't she a child? oh god what am I saying here) and she didn't even listen to the old woman... she was not taught how to respect the elderly because in the scene where her mother was trying to explain everything (well, why didn't the mother tell the truth right away?), she panicked right away... she even convinced (it seemed) her brother, Zack, to defend her, thus, they hurt the woman before she gets to defend herself... but i'm trying to weigh it out, and it is only but fitting that she acted that way, maybe she was really deeply affected by all the fighting of her parents, and this is the reason for her attitude... but they go to mass, right? well... anyway, maybe that's how your story works, even if the characters have their negative qualities, I was still affected in a way. so you did a good job, too, in a way.

As for the technical aspect, it is grammatically clean... no errors, no typos... excellent!

The plot is very original... it's one of the few stories I have read which tackles on near-death experiences... a nice idea!!!

The dialogue, however, seemed to lack identity (I mean, for each character)... I've once read in an article that to write a good dialogue, one must recognize the voice of the character who calls on the phone.

*Idea* I suggest putting it in the supernatural genre instead of the horror/scary.

In a nutshell, this piece is an above-average article to me... why? because of my reasons above... but I know you still have greater pieces than this one... The plot development is something I won't ignore... you did a great job of writing it fluidly... two thumbs up!!!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
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45
45
Review of Help Us Help YOU!  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I'm already a member of the Crusaders of Writing.Com, so I'm really happy upon getting across this article from you. We really need the advertising and promotional campaign because the members are not that active anymore. We need new crusaders!
46
46
Rated: E | (5.0)
I rated it again - 5 stars (just as I have promised)!!! I was quite surprised you did most of my suggestions... except for the "what strikes me" part... I just wanted you to be consistent on your tenses, you should use the past tense all throughout necessarily.

Happy writing!!!
47
47
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your request for an item review has been granted by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!*Balloon1*


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

This is a pretty interesting piece... quite good for an opening part of a novel... It would really entice the reader to check out the following chapters or your work.

Here are the suggestions and comments I know you'd be interested to hear about:

*Idea* The part where you mentioned "information" sort of ended abruptly... try to give it a few modifiers. > As my mind struggled with the fact that I had survived the crash, my other senses began bombarding it with information.

*Note1* I suggest you remove "that." > Granules that adhered to the moisture of my body and had somehow seeped beneath my clothes to irritate there as well.

*Note1* "some" instead of "others" > If others of my crew had survived, then I should have been able to pick up either their movements or cries.

*Idea* I detected a hint of redundancy here. > Following the deep gouge left by the ship and using what light I could from the fires, I saw that the path of the crash was littered with pieces of broken hull, equipment and supplies.
- You could use another term pertaining to the "deep gouge left by the ship" as it has already appeared in a preceding paragraph.

*Idea* Try to revise this one. > Hope that other members of the crew had survived grew, as luckily I failed to see any mangled remains along the path I walked.

*Note1* misspelt "setting" > Carefully sitting aside the book, he motioned his visitor to have a seat.

*Idea* Try to put a space after the ellipses (...) > "And I was informed that you are a man who thrives on challenges...I hope I was not lied to,"

*Idea* The two conversing characters are bot men, so initially I was confused as to who did this. > Opening a drawer he pulled out a manila envelope and slid it across the desk.
- I suggest you give an identifier to the lead character and to the visitor to set them aside.

*Note1* "said" here is unnecessary > Picking up the envelope and giving the contents a quick glance, the visitor stood and flashed another smile, one that did not reach his deadly steel-gray eyes, said "I don't foresee any problems, at least none that I can't handle."
-If you'd like, just replace the "and" (before "flashed") with a comma, and place "and" before "said."

*Idea* I suggest a comma after "disturbed." > Satisfied that he would not be disturbed he carefully picked up the book and settled back in his chair.

*Question* Did you mean "ever" instead of "every"? > He had been working on this plan for the last several years, every since recovering this book.

*Note1* "had already read" and "Nightingale's" > Opening the book, which he had read countless times, he flipped through the pages detailing Nightingales' life among the native inhabitants until he came to the passage which continued to plague him.

*Question* You mean "he"? > Only they will be able to unlock and use the power it protects."

In a nutshell, your piece was a great start... Many delight in relating the past (the diary part) to the present timeframe of the lead characters... What exactly is the lead up to? How far will he go in his revenge? These are only some of the questions which popped out of my mind. I expect an exciting adventure as the course of the story commences... I'd check them out as soon as I can!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon1*CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been chosen by the super-reviewer, Spiral Kinetochore!*Balloon1*


Hi! This is you friend K'neto, your friend and ever-supportive reviewer, with a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece.

This is a very interesting article... I only wish it weren't a true story... that'd very horrible if it was! I was only curious as to who was talking and to whom was he talking to... maybe you could put that in you description or as an author's note. But nevertheless, I enjoyed its spontaneity and frankness.

These are my suggestions and comments:

*Note1* Be consistent with your tenses. > And I know I was sober.

*Idea* A comma after "First" > First there was the problem with the Christmas Tree.
- I have an obsession with commas.
- give it a try even to the next paragraphs, for "Second," and "Third." See how nice they look with commas? *Pthb*

*Note1* misspelt "spare" > It had no roof rack, no tail hitch, only two doors, and a trunk too small for a proper spar tire, much less four trunks and ten suitcases.

*Note1* A comma after "people" > Not to mention the fact that it wasn’t big enough to hold ten people three dogs, two lizards and a cat.

*Question* Did you mean "sister"? > Ok, so we made it to the hospital before your sisters gave birth.

*Note1* "it" after "did" > The only reason we did is because we had a police escort.

*Note1* misspelt "your" > I would have bailed when all three of you sisters started screaming.

*Idea* I suggest "deer-caught-in-the-headlights-look" > Still you didn't have to give me that deer caught in the head lights look when I asked you "What the heck were you were thinking by attempting to put out an oven fire out with cooking oil!!"
- and a comma after "asked you"

*Idea* "five-foot-high" > Oh, by the way you don't cut a six foot Christmas Tree in half length wise to get it to fit in a five foot high living room!

In a nutshell, it has been an enjoyable story... worth thinking over and relived especially in the holidays!

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port. *Smile*

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Having a group who is always there to reward and support good reviewers is a nice thing to bear in mind... Thanks for including me in your plans!
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Great info! I was enlightened by the ep system... I was really wondering, like, what are these for, huh?
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