Firstly, even though this is put under poetry, i think it could also work for lyrics as well!
The flowing is beautiful, it's easy on the toungue. I love the way it sounds as i read it out loud.
This poem is full of inspiration and perseverance. Your emotion is really evoked.
A great read!
-Starting off with the beginning of your story, the poem. I love Autumn and it really does create the image of the fall. I think it starts off your story really well.
-First paragraph is very quick to get into the story. I like how in this story, the writing style kind of reminds me of a diary entry; it is very focused on the feelings of Olivia. It’s unique and i like it.
-I like and dislike Olivia in a way. She seems a bit stubborn but i guess that’s okay seeing as she is going through a rough time. What I really like and respect about her is that she does not give up, she keeps on striving for the best, and eventually, it comes.
-‘There it was though, life punches you in the gut and you roll with it, learning you are not in charge.’ – i LOVE this line. So true. So real.
-I really like how throughout the story, you give little updates about the other characters, for example, as in Olivia’s children. It’s great that you don’t just disregard the other characters along the storyline.
-When it hits the part of the story with the treatment in the Bahamas. It’s pretty damn amazing, the way the words seem to rush past everything that he has to do, everything that’s happening, yet, still you give enough information to carry along the storyline and keep the readers interest.
-I love this storyline. It’s different, it starts off with the worst, but finishes with a happy ending.=)
I love this story. I can’t think of any criticism for you! Thanks for the amazing read.
I like this. Your poem flows quite nicely and it is unique.
Only critiscim i have is some lines isn't great grammer, but I'm not sure if you did this on purpose or not. If you did do it on purpose, it does give a different feel to the poem, less formal, but more real. If you don't know what i mean, for e.g.-
'from something that dont seem to b' - (dont or doesnt?)
Depending on what kind of melody it goes to, it could work as proper song lyrics. The lines, for lyrics, are pretty short, but every song is different. To organise it as a song, verses,a chorus, bridge etc is needed.
Although, reading it as a poem, it flows pretty well and just the way the words sound wen played through my mind is really exquisite. I love the emotion the words carry, and that they tell a story.
Lyrics, poem, whatever you want to call it. I like it.
RadioShea,
Hello,
Obviously this poem shows a tragic event, and your words show that, show emotion. It doesn't flow perfectly, but that is not what makes a poem. Sharp words, kept me guessing, i quite enjoyed that. This is written well, although i do not understand the thoughts behind some of your lines, it's amazing the emotion that is carried across through this poem. This is, not nice, but a great read....
I'm not at your age limit, but it sounded interesting and I'm just clicking on random stuff right about now. Anywasy i find your story of women controlling men interesting. Some people say the world is going that way. But i think women need the company, the closeness, the appreciation of men too much. We have too much of a need to feel loved to completely dominate like that when it seems so against there will.
Ok hi!!
I have NO IDEA what this poll was about, i clicked on it by accident.
But props to you for making me laugh!! This brightened my day.
i chose...
*drumroll please*
6. Two politicians joined at the ass. Venus was miffed when Mars fled, filed suit for custody of his sheep and his sheepherder's hut, hired a lawyer who spoke out of both sides of his mouth. Friends took sides. The politicians wrote laws. It went to court. Then it had to be appealed. Went in front of old Janus, that $%^& two headed judge. He threw the case out. Get a life he told everyone. Then he propositioned Venus.
Hello risingmoon123, i was going through the writing.com review request page, looking for a poem or short story to read. Yours' is the only one that stood out to me. So here we go.
Firstly, the thing that caught my eye. Your brief description is an amazing... hmm metaphor i shall call it.
'a dream caught in the web of reality'- its eye catching. I love it.
Your poem reminds me of a vignette when i first start to read, even though you don't have many of the aspects of it. It drew me in from the start.
'Blood once red now turn white' - It's an interesting play on words, i don't exactly know what you mean by it, but that's your personal story. I really love this line. Its darker but nice.
Your poem is pretty amazing, although it does remind me of a song and you could easily turn it into that but i do like it as this type of writing. Your a good writer.
Your poem was a really good read. It's like nothing i have ever read before. The mix of your words is totally unique and i really appreciate that as a poem writer myself.
The "cut-to-the-chase" attitude of the first stanza communicates your (if this is your story) situation very well.
The metaphor, if i may call it that, of the clock broken is an extremely good technique here, especially as to what it stands for. No future.
My favourite part of this poem would have to be-
'And you, maker of my blues,
why is this an exhilarating rush?'
Questions in a poem makes it more personal, i think. Like the writer is speaking out to someone. 'Maker of my blues' is very good word play, i like it quite a lot.
A great poem.
XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX
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