I really enjoy how instead of building the characters tension up and then showing relief, that you automatically showed the calming effect of relief. You describe it well and I like how you focus on each individual part.
I wish tht you would have told us about how Hermione and Draco had gotten together, that's the juicy stuff!
Also, I'm very Harry Potter obsessed and I like fan-fictions to at least follow the rules of the books and Draco cant just *poof* change houses.
I quite enjoy the first interaction between Ron and Ginny. Its natural, believable and flows well.
I think that the Hermione losing her virginity part comes by too fast and you dont describe how it happened. Why didnt she stop herself? Hermione is smarter than that.
The short time between draco slapping hermione and becoming all sweet again is too short and intense.Maybe he doesnt do something as extreme?
Nice cliffhangr at the end of chapter two. :)
I find it hard to believe that a month passed (chapter three) and no-one brought up the whole 'harrys parents could live again!' thing. Also, Hermione being pregnant is a bit of an obvious storyline.
'"So, you want to keep the baby? I'll continue chool, and get some kind of job at he ministry telling them Voldemort's plans and things. Fine, we can keep the baby" Draco said.' This line seems to happen kind of fast. It's like *mindblown by information* and that Draco changed his mind pretty fast.
(cant use the time traveller hourglass necklace cause they destroyed them all. Just saying.)
I dont like how Hermione and Ron make up so easily. It would be harder than that.
I find it strange that Snape be's so nice. Very strange.
I like the twist of the baby looking like Harry though. Its interesting and makes sense.
Dont like how the death eaters come out in the end. You should explain that more detailed.
I enjoy most of the plot but the little things bring it down.
I would suggest putting, maybe in the description, what year of hogwarts that they are in at this time, just to clarify and get my thoughts straight before I read on.
I love the cliffhanger at the end of this piece. The plot flows well into this.
I do have questions at the end of this chapter though. Like, how did Malfoy try to kill himself and how did he survive?
I like where you switch the POVS. They are well-placed. I like your writing and I like how you give such a good insight into what Draco is feeling.
The plot definetely interests me, its at that stage when i dont know WHEN some stuff is going to happen.
I espeically liked Draco's POV in this one. I love the insight that you give. I think that it is suprising that Glory's friends haven't stepped in but I quite like it as it is. I also enjoy that Draco thinks nothing of Pansy, gives me that hint of happiness.
Woo! Glad to hear that she has other friends. I was picturing her as a loner after Fred, George and Lee left school.
I dont think you have to explain her plan at the end. Its pretty obvious from the hints above.
And I think that I can see the storyline frm here. He falls for her and then she falls for him too and she cant get her revenge?
I like how she is friends with Fred, george and lee instead of harry, hermione and ron. Its something different and I enjoy that.
I like how straight away you put that confusion in between Glory and Draco. As if something is different.
I kind of like and dislike how you percieve draco. Not every 16 year old guy is a horny person. But it does kind of play in well with the story..
I really liked the start to your story. This character is really relatable (for me at least) and I like how she is escaping from her home life. I think that your writing suggests that her mother doesn't really like the idea of Hogwartas but Im not sure yet.
I'm quite interested to see where this is going.
(I am slightly confused cause at the start it says that she is in Slytherin house and in the next chapter, it seems like shes not)
I like this plot. Its dramatic,, tragic and captivating. It is a certainly unique piece and the plot is heart-touching.
I think you convey the emotion of remorse really well. That emotion is evident.
The jealousy doesn't really come through as well. I think that the anger overtakes the jealousy. More time with the main characters thoughts about her sister, without progressing with what's happening would help.
I thought that this was a pretty emotional and also an insightful piece.
You did a good job of captivating the reader and also making sure that it was not too repetitious.
I really liked the flow, its natural and graceful.
In this story I wouldlike to know more about how the main character has lost her way. The passing of her grandmother is evident but I cant help but wonder if there is more than that going on ine her life. Esepcially seeing as you include the crossroads metaphor so I would like to know more about this.
I like how you subtlely hint at the age of the main character. It was a sneaky little nice addition.
THe title i think could be more impacting. Something more unique could be it.
I mostly like the flow of this but some of the rhyming gets in the way. In the fourth stanza, the last line doesnt have that piece of rhyme which i think ruins it.
Theres a couple of spelling mistakes that should be fixed up.
I think that you should be careful when using rhyming. It seems simple but is actually tricky and to make it work, you have to keep the scheme the same throughout the poem. Changing it, makes the flow go downhill.
This is a sweet, romantic and very powerful poem. Even though it is short, you put all that is needed into it without overflowing short lines with lots of information.
The flow is enjoyable and natural and I really do enjoy the adjectives and other words used.
Theres a couple of spelling mistakes here and I do find it strange that you use some punctuation (such as comma's) yet dont use anything to separate the lines.
Also, when you include the word 'you' I get interested in to as who that person is but you dont mention them throughout the rest of the piece. I think addding this person (even by exaggeration) would add a nice touch to your piece.
The longer lines here suggest a piece of prose, so to make it more poetic; shorter lines, separate it into stanzas, use more descriptive words.
I enjoy that the message comes across clearly yet still has an edge of suspense.
I find that most poems that are written like yours, with no rhyming scheme and long lines, turn to s***. Yours is the opposite. The lines, although unjointed, flow together well in a powerful way.The emotion, even though is not shone upon, comes through well and adds interest to your poem.
I like the fact that you use nature to explain strong emotions and the describing factors that you also have here.
Theres a coupe of spelling mistakes that should be fixed. I would also suggest to change the second use of the word 'ground' in the first stanza. Repitetition ruins the flow for me.
Keeep writing!
XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX
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