I really enjoyed how much description you gave into what the character saw, felt and did. Those three points were the most common and that had the more complicated descriptions.
I think that you set this story out very well and that you make the whole plot flow nicely.
I think that your screen actions are well done and would work in the context of this script.
My negative would be that some of the lines do not seem realistic. As they are students, more jargon would be natural from my point of view.
Regarding the change that you might make, I say don't. Its already obvious that this is a mind-thing thats full of metaphors. I dont think that you have to spell it out for the reader. I like it how it is.
I love the metaphors that you have used by the way. The idea for this poem is great and you execute it well.
I think that this interactive is going particularly well. You started off with the idea though, so props to you :)
I must admit though, the amount of characters that you give at the beginning is a bit mind boggling :S maybe you should say that some characters (for e.g. bob) will only be seen if you follow this charatcers journey (e.g.tim)
I think your stories really great. You came up with some good characters and even though some of the storylines are kind of pointless, thats not your fault! I hate how some people ruin a really good storyline -__-
But anyways, congratualtions on all the chapters and progress!
I like how you really capture the memory in your writing; how real you depict it and how you show it to the reader in all honesty of emotions. You give a great insight into your own mind and the reader is put into that position from the inclusion of your thoughts throughout the whole piece. You wrote this really well.
I like how you include so many aspects of a physical description in this poem. The last line is an emotional and touching way to finish everything off.
My only suggestion would be to change this line:
'blue and green and amber'
The repeat f the word 'and' sends the flow up and down for me. It distaches me from the piece.
I really like the point of view that you write this poem from. The state of power, authority and the fact that the writer is depicted as someone to look up to, as a hero or god interests and captivates me. I also really like how many different type of descriptive words you use. You do not use simple words, instead eye-catching ones like: embrace, ignorant, predejuice, discrimination.
I quite like the long and complex lines as they flow equally and cleanly from one to the next.
Also, the subtle hint of the Statue of Liberty really set the scene without you drifting off from the message of your piece.
I dislike the description of the characters appearance. I don't think it is needed because I cant see how it contributes to your poem.
I think that the last line isn't as poetic as the rest. It seems as more of a quote but it doesn't fit in from my perspective with the rest of your piece.
There is a couple of spelling mistakes here. For example: Second sentence, the word 'confident'.
So, I think that you write this well and that you write it with sophistacation and intelligently at the same time.
I think that this poem was well thought out and that the whole idea makes sense and that it flows, not gracefully but quite well. I especially like the addition of the two one-word lines. I think that you should experiment with other punctuation marks such as colons, semi-colons and exclamation marks in this piece.
I think that you write this really well. You describe everything to give a picture and you dont repeat anything, therefore, keeping the readers attention all throughout your piece. And by the way, y6our last line makes me hungry haha.
This piece caught my eye from the unusual title. It works well into the story and is unique (especially seeing as it is orange juice and not milk.)
I think that your story is well written. I like how Amanda is smart enough to be an adult and how emotional and intentive that she is.
You write this really well and keep the plot interesting.
I like how, in the orientation that you give some background information of the characters. It sets that part of the scene well. I also think that you do the dalogue very well, it is natural.
I enjoyedd your stories plot and the way in which you write it.
I like how you give yourself a small number of important goals. You be strict but nice with yourself. Giving yourself compliments throughout the letter. You give yourself a really important reason to do all of this; your daughter. You give personal, social and resolutions for other people as well.
YOu are fair with yourself. And have realistic goals.
This is really good. your plot is something completely different, interesting and it absolutely captavates me. I loved reading this. The plot was well thought out.
I would definetely like to see the rest of the story.
I like the way that the first line hits the reader. it immediately tells me what this is about and what I may read next.
The second line however, could be worked on. The comma,is a slap in the face. (ie. The comma, is, a, slap, in, the, face.) It works well in some lines but this one it disrupts the flow.
When you talk about 'he', it makes me confused. Who are you talking about and what does he mean? I come to a conclusion that it is the deceased person but the there is still confusion.
What I like most i this piece would be the title and characterr. The title is simple, relates to the piece well and is eye-catching. The characters are believable yet really interesting and help the plot along in a way that is natural and exciting.
The punctuation that you use I think is a bit full on. The elipsis' (don't know is i spelt it right so what I mean is the '...' 'dot, dot dots') that you use are repeated a few too many times and I think that you can get the emotions of the characters along fine without as much strong punctuation marks.
I really liked this poem. I dont know where this idea came from but I really enjoyed it. the poem has a nice set of rhymes, flows well and is humurous and captavating.
I read it without hesitation and couldnt stop until I was finished.
Disregard this if you may, but I would suggest decreasing the font size by just a little because it is kind of difficult to read and is very in your face.
I think that you find the perfect medium to the bits after dialogue. The 'he said' 'she shouted' parts, I like that not every bit of dialogue has them and that you mix it up a bit.
My suggestion for this poem would be to come up with a better title. One that represents your words rather than telling us what you wrote it for.
I like the strength that comes through from your poem and the word choice that you have written with. I think that the flow could be better, more natural.
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