excellent story! tho there are a few spelling errors you may want to go over. I also felt that tho all the major deatails have been covered it could of been better if it was drawin out some. something to think about anyway. but thats just my opinion!
Tho I feel a bit of the flow was off in this I still gave it a five for the message it convayed! I feel many people could benifit from the reading of this poem/song.
That was it! that little bit of blood and gore! aww man I feel robbed! LOL J/K so far with the exceptions I mentiont to this point this is going rather well. good charcter definitions, realistic presonalities, as well as just a touch of the unknown!
keep up the good work!
this helps the other part but its really out of place. You may want to think about doing a double run on poor Karla, rather than split it up this way. But thats just my opinion in a book setting it may not seem as vroken as it does here
the pices begin the dance, some falling into place while others almost seem to fade from view. so far so good. tho the panic of our leading lady was a bit overwhelming. almost too much. I realise that she is having a hard time here but most of the people I have ever met don't panic when some one arrives upon their broken car. just a thought.
I know the fundementals of lymricks but don't have a lot of experince in dealing with them to know if this is a good one or not! so i went with a 4 sorry if its not an appropriate, rating!
Total bummer!well I guess that will teach you to inhale sharply at odd sounds! LOL I feel your pain as far as the shrink goes! they never believe anything but what they want to believe! I've had to deal with those curses shrinks since I was a kid, and even read the basic writings of Sigmund Frued, just so I knew how to deal with them! I guess it does take a shrink to know one!
well concidering you only got 100 words to work with you did a fine job!both sad and yet, lifting! me I could never just run with a hundred words, I have a hard enough time with something like a 500 word limit LOL...well off to the next one!
This was a very sad story, I am a avid dog lover! nothing in the world compares to the love of a dog. and I miss mine all the time. no she didn't die, but when I moved to Washington state, I had to leave her behind, because I knew I would never find a place here that would allow me to have a dog. I miss her alot. prehaps one day I too will be able to get another dog and smile in that friendship that only a dog can really understand. thanks for sharing this.
There are a lot of thins not said here, yet spoken between the lines.
The rythm and ryme were well done, and I enjoyed reading this, It gives one alot to think about.
very good imagry here. though I thought the flow was a bit off. I also though this line was a bit out of place And almost silent splash of tires kissing blood pools.
lol. very well done, short to the point, and amusing.
I'll probably share this with my kids later tonight. they'll get a kick out of it! thanks for sharing.
Excellent rhyme and flow,I liked this.. Ripping through the anguish,
Prehaps:
Drounding in the anguish, To get into my head,
Prehaps, change "To" into "and"
I like the hints and vaugeness ot what the ataker was, while never truely explaining it's appearance. Below are some thoughts. do with tham as you see fit.
Translucent is mispelled..and did you really want her skin see-through? She was safe. What if she wasn’t safe though?
"She was safe she told herself, but her mind kept asking "are you really safe."
allowing this line to disappear. The thought flew through her mind before she could squash it. Moving swiftly, it makes its way to the front doormoving swiftly, It made Its way to the front door,
This is not what I expected at all! Still I am happily suprised! this was very well put together, the charicters are strong and easy to visualise. I can almost smell the pine trees!
Not bad for a first attempt!
Notes: might want to add a few more periods. Providing the lonely inhabitant of this world with a so-called companion.
This line is a little long, might want to cut it a bit to keep the flow.
"providing the lonely of this world, with a false companion." just a thought.
Otherwise a very good job!
warbird_wa
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this showed some really good time emotions! the wording was well put down and your timing on this was very good indeed!
)
I also though this line was a bit out of place