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26
26
Review of Raul  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

*Bullet*Something that I liked about this poem was your attention to punctuation. The punctuation sort of sets the structure for this poem, which is something that I don't see a lot of on this site, but would like to see more. Each stanza is a sentence. And you use grammar extremely well to keep it from sounding off. It's not often that I come across a poem whose structure is based off sentence structure alone.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Voice and Creativity *Snow2*

*Bullet*I thought the voice of this was very good. It was almost playful and coy. I like some of the subtle words that you use. For example, when Raul called the dress "Hollywood." That painted the perfect picture.

*Bullet*One thing that I would like you to think about is to maybe glame this poem up a bit more with silky words. I think it would help a lot at the end when you go back to your California Wine if the rest of the poem was really fancy, really flowy and lacey, you know? Not only would it help the end, but it would help to distinguish your language from Raul's language.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Other *Snow3*

*Bullet*At first I was angry at this poem because I thought it was another subtle way to bash America, which I'm getting sick of reading. But I loved the ending. You didn't need to say the words exactly, but as a reader, I knew what you were saying. How people look at all the glitz and glame of other places and say how "better" they are but when they come home, it just feels right and secure. You got this point across without actually saying it, and that's what made me love this poem.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Star* Overall *Star*

Overall, I loved it. You are making it very hard for me to review your items because I end up loving everything that you write and can't really give you anything constructive to say about your pieces. Aside from my suggestion to glitz up the beginning of this poem, I don't think there's much you could change to make it better. The moral behind this poem is what makes it as good as it is. You did a remarkable job of getting a story and a point across. Well done.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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27
27
Review of Wow Wigs  
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Mechanics *Snow1*

*Bullet*I can tell that you've gone over this for mistakes. It's well written and I didn't find any grammar or punctuation errors.

*Bullet*Your diction is really well played out in this story. You are a very good writer, from the few things that I've read of yours. I like the subtlety of your imagery.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Voice and Creativity *Snow2*

*Bullet*This was a very nice Writer's Cramp entry. I think you played along with the prompt beautifully. I would never have come up with something like this.

*Bullet*The only thing I found odd about this piece was the voice that you gave Bobby. I liked the voice you gave the main character, but the few times that Bobby spoke I just didn't believe what he was saying. The one that stuck out the most was when he said, "How delightful!" I couldn't see Bobby saying that. He had the same exact voice and style as the main character. I think you should try to change it up a bit, make him sound entirely different from the narrator.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Other *Snow3*

*Bullet*I think that your introduction is something that should be in here, but maybe you could move it to the bottom? I didn't want to know what this story was about before I started reading and that sort of gave stuff away. Nothing huge, but I would have liked to just start reading it. But that's just a suggestion.

Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


Overall

Overall, I really enjoyed this story. Your main character's voice is really well done. Your writing style is amazing. The only problem I had was that Bobby's voice is a little unbelievable. I suggest making him a bit more tough. Don't make him say those foo foo things. ;) It would help the main character's uneasiness stand out a little more, you know? But other than that, I really enjoyed this short 1000 word story.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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28
28
Review of Intent  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Creepy, creepy, creepy!! WD, you never cease to amaze me.

*Bullet*There was only one mistake I found that that was with the line:

but neither of them knew...

You use "neither" but there are three of them and "neither" is usually only used with two subjects. Maybe you could use "none."

*Bullet*I loved this story. Especially the dialogue in the end. I liked how Robert was so calm and in control and Jax just kept losing it and getting angrier. It was a nice balance and really kept me on edge. I was almost confused as to how to feel because I wasn't sure whether to worry for Jax or just not care.

*Bullet*The ending was INSANE! I'm not usually animated when I read stories, but when he got those sticks in his eyes, I seriously put my hand to my mouth and gasped. It was like I was watching the world's worst wipeouts on tv. I just had to cringe. Your imagery is so in depth and real. It was disgusting, but realistic. There's a reason you're one of the best writers on this site. *Smile*

*Bullet*I would have liked to see a little more description placed throughout the story. You do well with the description at the end, but towards the beginning and middle it felt like the story moved along pretty fast. But that's not a big deal because the end was so memorable that it just made me love the story. Great job, WD.

Overall Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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29
29
Review of The Watercourse  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Now that is a story! I liked the old one too, but this one took it to new levels. I like how you inserted parts with the mother, because it gave us more of a feel for her. We could either sympathize for her or doubt her intentions.

Your imagery is still amazing.

And you put the shred of doubt in at the end, like I had suggested. You changed it so beautifully. *Smile*

There were a couple spots where you have the old names, Beth and Virgil. There a couple towards the end and one in one of the interjections with the mom.

Also, there's a part where Zak finds out the woman is his mom and you're italics coding isn't done right.

Other than that, it's beautiful and well written, as I expected it to be. The ending completely surprised me because I was expecting you to make little changes, not the changes you actually made.

You're still the master, WD. *Smile*

Love,
Wenston
30
30
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this in response to your post in {item:947289.} Good luck with the contest.


*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*This one was hard to go through for grammar and spelling because of the dialect that you chose to write it in. I tried to consider whether or not you put something the way it was on purpose. These are the corrections I came up with:

*Bullet*...but I figured’ I'm not sure why you have the apostrophe here. There's nothing else that is supposed to come after the "d," so perhaps you don't need it? that you’d best...

*Bullet*...“She discovered it’s When you're trying to make "it" possessive, there is no apostrophe. It's the opposite than normal, because "it is" has the apostrophe. mystical powers one day when she... You may have done this in more than one spot, but this is where I noticed it first.

*Bullet*I defiantly turned by is "by" supposed to be "my?" back on him and...

Section Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I thought this was a nice, simple structure for a nice, simple story. The events flowed pretty well and your characters are connectable.

*Bullet*One thing that I must comment on is the use of the language you give to these characters. Dialects are really hard to do in writing. If you do it too much, it's impossible to read. Your's isn't impossible, but it still made it very difficult. I'm not going to go through and point out all the areas I had trouble with, but I'm just going to give you some pointers. First of all, don't substitute real words for words that sound the same. You used "half" for "have." This will stick your reader for a second, maybe just long enough for them to get annoyed. Secondly, don't get so caught up in the apostrophe's and conjunctions. Combine too many words or cut out too many letters and it's hard to determine what the heck you're talking about in the first place.

*Bullet*Try to keep the dialogue to the characters. There were two spots where I had trouble believing that the characters were actually saying what they were.

1. The first spot was when she called him a "S.O.B." I had trouble believing she just wouldn't come out and call him the name instead of taking the wimp way out, you know?

2. The other spot was in the end, when he apologizes. You have him saying, "I am sorry." That doesn't fit at all with the rest of the story and the way he talks. Maybe he could say, "God, darling I'm sorry," or something along those lines. He wouldn't suddenly become that literate.

Section Rating
*Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*Creatively, I thought this was pretty good. It was a nice, cute little story with cute characters. I liked the way they bickered but still loved each other.

*Bullet*Your voice could use some work, for the same reasons your dialogue could. There's just too many spots where it doesn't go with each other. You seem to jump back and forth between the character's dialect and your own. Pick one and stick with it. If you're going to make her sound one way, do it through the whole story, don't go back and forth.

Section Rating
*Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*


*Smile* Overall Comments *Smile*

Overall, I liked the plotline and characters in this story, but I had a lot of trouble with the dialogue and the voice. Work on making it original, but still readable. Stick with one type of speaking throughout the body of the story. You have two wonderful characters that you make interact well together. I just think you need to work a bit more on thinking of a way to express a dialogue without making it so difficult to read.

Overall Rating
*Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

A word from Lady Agatha:

That was a close call! You've established a simply delightful couple with this husband and wife duo. Good luck in my competition.

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31
31
Review of Rainbow  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this in response to your post in "Invalid Item" . Good luck with the contest.

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*You have a punctuation error in the 7th from the last paragraph. You have the line:

light emanating from it’s its tiny body. The apostrophe linking the "s" to the word in the case of "it" refers to "it is." I know it's weird and I mix it up all the time. I'm surprised I even caught it in this.

*Bullet*In the last few paragraphs, you use the word "from" a lot. That's not really an error, but it starts to make your sentences sloppy and hard to read. An example of this would be your line:

From that day on, the bond between them grew from sharing a wonderful secret.

The second "from" in that sentence just doesn't sound right. Maybe switch up your wording a bit to make the sentence flow a bit smoother.

*Bullet*In the fourth paragraph, you have some coloring issues. I don't think your sentence:

The ship vanished and reappeared less than a billion miles from the star.

is supposed to be green. It's not the ship talking anymore, so I think it's supposed to be normal coloring.

*Bullet*I also had a problem with your line:

He’d been searching for almost forever if only they would tell him which star was the One.

1. You should break this up into two different sentences or place a comma in between "forever" and "if."

2. Find a different way of showing time without saying, "almost forever." It sounds sloppy and really uncharacteristic of the type of story you're trying to tell. It's a real teenager thing to say and with writing like this story, it doesn't really fit.

Section Rating
*Pthb*
*Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*This was an interesting short story. I liked how you made the alien communicate in colors and shapes. You conveyed that really well by making everything that the creature thought be in a color. I normally don't like colors in short stories because it hurts my eyes to read it, but I think that yours is okay because it adds to effect.

*Bullet*Your transition between the point where the alien crashes to when the two girls are sitting watching tv needs to be a bit better done. Even if you just skipped an extra line between the two paragraphs, that would work better. The transition just seemed rushed to me and uncalled for.

*Bullet*I'm not sure I get your ending, entirely. Is the being he's supposed to be seeing a being on earth? Is it supposed to be ironic? Or is he really still searching for someone?

Section Rating
*Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I think that creatively, this piece was pretty good. I have a real problem with sci-fi stories where the alien's seem to be so equiped for our world. I liked how your little alien ate electricity. When he stuck his tail in the plug, it was stretching it a little. How would he know to do that? I'm glad you didn't make his tail a plug, but perhaps you could make him explore a little and accidentally come upon the socket? Just to make it seem like he doesn't already know about the planet and stuff.

*Bullet* Teeth being the fuel for his ship was a good idea, but I would have liked it more if they didn't fit into little compartments. Like, maybe he has to grind them up or something? Or maybe it's just the enamel on the teeth? Just something that he has to do so, again, it isn't like he already knows about the planet. If he's never seen creatures like humans before, and he himself has no teeth, then how would he know about them?

*Bullet*Your voice is pretty good. Try to avoid sounding phrases that a teenager would say, like in the sentence I pointed out above. Instead of saying, "almost forever," perhaps you could say, "on this infinite journey," or something along those lines.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Wink* Overall Comments *Wink*

Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. I think it was creative, but could have taken that extra step to be original. Your alien was extremely creative. There are a few punctuation errors and watch your sentence structure and flow. Maybe you could work on the end a little more, to make it seem like there's some more closure? Tell us what his journey is a little more.

Overall Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

A word from Lady Agatha:

What a strange little creature! He's absolutely adorable and creative. A love science fiction. Good luck in my competition.

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32
32
Review of The Horse  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this in response to your post in "Invalid Item" . Good luck with the contest.

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation {e:snow1

*Bullet*There was only one spot where I found a mistake. It was with your line:

*Paste* A soft smile lit up his face as he pulled out...

You forgot the word "he." It's at the part where Pa gets that lasso from the cupboard.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I liked the premise of this story a lot. It has the ability to be a very powerful and sad story. However, I think that it doesn't pull it off. One of the things that I think may help would be to cut back on the events and backstory that have nothing to do with what is going on. The whole first part where Tom and Care takes Pash out for a ride has nothing to do with the rest of the story. You spend so much time showing how the kids set up the horse for riding but then you don't tell us anything about the ride. Your transition to when Tom shoots with his gun is really quick and it feels like there's a whole chunk of story missing. But it's really that the whole first part is overwritten and unnecessary.

*Bullet*You have some beautiful writing in here, like when you describe the horse as having the shine of an angel and stuff. That is really good writing. I just think you have too much description where it's not needed and not enough description where it really matters. For instance, when Care breaks her arm, it was all so fast and it's a huge event in the story. You don't spend enough time on it. This should be where you go into Tom's thoughts and stuff, not other places.

*Bullet*Also, in the end, you say that Tom and the horse were like one. I didn't feel this at all. The horse is rebellious, you need to show us how Tom is rebellious as well. I didn't feel like Tom made any connection with the horse other than he respected and feared it. Show us how Tom is like the horse. Put something in there that tells us that. Perhaps Tom has a fight with his father or something? Anything to help the ending seem more fit. Right now it's just feels untrue. I don't feel the connection between Tom and the horse.

Section Rating
*Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*Creatively, this piece was solid. It wasn't anything spectacular or out of the ordinary, but it was a solid story where the language makes it creative. Your descriptions of the horse and his power were the main creative aspects in this story.

{e:bullet}The voice was strong once you found it. I think at the beginning you were trying to be Tom's voice, the voice of a country boy. But after a while you fell into a writer's voice and once it was there, it was strong. But I think you should go back to the beginning and make sure that you stick with the writer's voice all through the story instead of struggling to find what voice you want to use.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Cool* Overall Comments *Cool*

Overall, I think this story needs a little work. Mainly with the focus of the narrator. What events are key to the story and what events aren't? Make sure you focus more on the important events than on the side stories. That was my main beef with this story. The most vivid example of it would be the beginning when Tom and Care are getting Pash ready to ride. You spend so much time on it and it's not even important to the rest of the story. I know you were trying to get the characters introduced, but perhaps you could have Tom get in a fight with his Dad first or something, just something that will have something to do wtih the story. That would also help us connect more with Tom and also be able to make the connection between Tom and the horse. But, I really enjoyed the way you described the horse and other things throughout this story. You have good poetic description.

Overall Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

A word from Lady Agatha:

What a beautiful horse. I could really picture those majestic, powerful eyes staring at me. Beautiful description. Good luck with my competition.

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33
33
Review of Stop The World  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*There was only one spot where I think you need some punctuation. It's with the third stanza's

why would God stop the world for a horse?

You should put quotation marks around this line, or at least single quotation marks. The only problem with doing that would be that there will probably be readers and editors out there who will tell you to take away the quotation marks. I just think it needs something to make it stand apart. The fact that you have the question mark at the end and then don't capitalize the next sentence just throws me off when I read it. Perhaps you could simply italicise the phrase there.

*Bullet*I had a huge problem with your line

So much abuse as a matter of course

I'm not sure whether my problem was with your word choice or what. I guess I'm just not sure what you mean by "a matter of course." I looked the word "course" up in the dictionary and I just could not figure out what you meant. Did you mean, "a matter, of course" like of course it's a matter. I really had trouble with that line all the way through it and it just made my overall enjoyment of the piece really low. I stumbled over it every time I read it and since it's one of your prominent lines that repeats throughout, it really just threw itself out at me.

So if you mean "of course" as in, duh, or whatever, then I think you should put a comma after the word, "matter." But if you meant it as something else, then sorry to have wrote this huge long thing about it, but I just didn't get it. And to have your poem start out with that line, either I'm totally oblivious to what you're trying to say or it just doesn't fit. But chances are that if I don't understand what you're trying to say, there will be other people out there who don't understand either.

Section Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I love the structure of this poem. These types of structures always bring me in and I usually end up enjoying poetry written like this. With this structure of the repeating lines it's easy for the author to play around with meanings and placement. I think that you could really make the line, "Why would God stop the world for a horse?" stand out at the end. That could be a really powerful tool for this poem. I don't think you've worked it to its full potential. Something you could do to bring it out more is to get personal at the end. Show us a horse that has suffered from abuse. Open our eyes with a shocker that just hits us where it hurts. Then revert back to the two repeating lines. That would be extremely powerful and it would make good use of your two lines.

*Bullet*The rhyming is pretty well done. I had a problem with only a couple of areas. The main one being the use of the word "gorse" in the last stanza. That word came out of no where and it sounds extremely forced, like you were going through the alphabet to find a words that rhymes with "course." The other spot I had a problem with the rhyme was with the word "wife." When you put the word "abuse" with the word "wife" you get a lot of horrid images. I think you didn't play that up to it's full potential either and the way it is now, it feels like you were just happy to find a word that rhymes.

I'm not telling you not to use these words. They could all be used brilliantly, but I just think that the way you have them used now, they just don't fit. You could use some ugly imagery with "gorse" and "wife" that would really strike out at your readers. It's an ugly topic to center a poem on, so your poem would be awesome if it reflected that look and wasn't so political.

Section Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*As I said before, I don't think this piece is up to it's creative potential. You've got a lot of good ideas here, but I feel like you haven't stressed them enough. It almost feels like you've focused too much on the structure and haven't focused enough on what you're trying to say or the imagery you're trying to get across. The structure should just be a guideline for how you write it. Your ideas should be the main goal of the poem, until you get to the end, where how you write it is the ultimate technique for getting your idea across.

Section Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Wink* Overall Comments *Wink*

Overall, I think that this poem has a lot of good potential, but you haven't worked it to its fullest. You concentrate too much on the structure and not enough of the meaning and ideas behind this poem. It's a good topic to write poems about, but I think to get the point across to readers, you have to use images that really get your readers to enjoy this.

Overall Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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34
34
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Everything seems to be in order with this portion of your poem. I like your choice of sentence length because they are all similar and it gives a semblance of order over the poem. Even though this is free style poetry, the fact that the sentences are all similar in length really give us strong stopping points for if we wanted this broken into stanzas. Great job.

*Bullet*There was one part where I'm not sure if it's a mistake or if you meant to do it. That's in these two lines:

soft and plush, one behind
one behind the other

It looks and sounds like a mistake to me, but I'm not sure. Are there supposed to be two "one behind"'s at this part? If there are, perhaps you should do it again further along in the poem, maybe even twice more, so we know that it's supposed to be there. I would also put a comma after the first one to separate the two.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I love free style poetry. This one was no different. I really enjoyed it. I like how you have some sporatic rhyming lines throughout the poem.

*Bullet*One of the rhymes, however, really stuck out among the rest and I didn't know why you put it in there because it takes away from the poem I thought. That's with these two lines:

A mound of snow, each rump
from which a frozen clump

I think the word "rump" doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Rump isn't really a pretty word and it sounds almost forced for this poem. Perhaps you could just have these lines read something like this:

A mound of snow
from which a frozen _______

I want you to fill in the blank there. I'm not going to choose words for you, but I think that a better, more fit word could be put there so it goes along better with the rest of the poem.

*Bullet*You use the word "snow" a ton in this poem. The first time I read through it I didn't really notice it, but after I read it again, it got a little repetitious. We understand the idea that the white horses are in the snow and look like the snow and are the snow. Perhaps you could use other words for snow. Like one of these, "frozen crystals," "winter's precipe," or just something other than the word snow so we start to get some more images and words working through our brain when we read this.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*Creatively, I thought this was a really good image. It would make a beautiful painting, to have three white horses in the snow. However, while I was reading this, I was waiting for it to break out and really build upon that image. It never did that though. Through the whole thing you just restate how much the horses look good in the snow and fit well and stuff, but you never take that first image to the next level. I'm not sure how you can do this, but maybe there's some deeper meaning to this poem? It would be cool if you interjected some thoughts from the person viewing them. That would be a new dimension. But that's only a suggestion.

*Bullet*The voice was strong, it wasn't flashy or showy, but it was solid and strong. That's what makes good poetry. You don't need to have a distinct, outright voice. A voice can hide behind the words and still be evident and hold a poem together. That's what you do here.

*Bullet*Compared to some of your other poems, I thought this one was just mediocre. I still liked it and I still think that you are a superb poet. Not all poems can be masterpieces. Some are just cute artwork. *Smile*

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Cool* Overall Rating *Cool*

Overal, I enjoyed this poem. Like I said before, I think it's not as good as some of your other poems, but it's still good. In a collection like the ones you have in this folder, there are the poems that are amazing and then there are the poems that sort of fluff the other ones into looking good. This is one of those poems. It's still good and well written, don't get the wrong idea here. With lines 8 and 9, check to see if you meant to put two "one behind" in both of those lines. Also, see if there isn't something you can do or add to this poem to put some more thoughts in it, not just an abundance of descriptional thoughts.

Overall Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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35
35
Review of The Bits  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Everything seems to be in order. You've done a great job of punctuating this poem accordingly to the flow. My only though on the matter is the use of the ellipses in the first line. I don't think it's needed. You could just put the "silver bits" part down into a new line, like how Poe's poem is spaced. But that's just a suggestion and I didn't hold it against you.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*It's always hard to rate and review poems like this on anything more than just spelling errors. I brought up the original poem by Poe to read side by side with this one and I could see how well you stuck to the original structure and words. Yet, you also let yourself change things up a bit, creative license, and that was a good change of pace to put in your own voice and structure.

*Bullet*One suggestion I would like to make would be to add a few more "bits" at the end. Poe puts in so many "bells" towards the end of the poem so that the reader starts to become overwhelmed with the word, which is what he was going for because that was the whole message of the poem. I think it would be cool if you did the same so that the bits is the only thing we can concentrate on.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I think you did a really good job of paralleling Poe's original poem. You really had to read into what he was saying so your poem would have the same effect. This helps to give it a strong voice as well. Not really a distinct one, but one altogether. Well done.

*Bullet*Something that I would like to see you do is to continue this poem like Poe continued his. There are actually four different parts to Poe's poem and it would be awesome if you followed them to make four different parts to this poem. Or else, say somewhere, in your brief description or what, that you're only going to mimic part one of the The Bells. Because I came in to this thinking it was going to be a really long poem, but it turned out to be only the first part.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Delight* Overall Comments *Delight*

I think you did an excellent job of paralleling a very famous poem by possibly the world's best poet. Though your poem is considerably less dark than Poe's, it still has a strong voice and tone. The light tone is what gives it strength. I would like to see you write a bit more, following the rest of the original poem. Also, add a bit more to the end to really make the bits consume the reader. Other than that, you've done a great job.

Overall Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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36
36
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Another very well done poem. The punctuation is simple and laid back due to your sentence structures and line breaks. The two elements mingle well together. You've done a good job of making sure that the words determine the flow instead of the punctuation. Well done.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Strucutre and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*The structure is really great. With a poem this short, it's good to not break it up into stanzas. I like the rhyme scheme and the meter of the lines. You never stray from the ups and downs of the meter, not once. It's all solid and set in. Really well done.

*Bullet*You do well with not forcing the rhyme and just making it sound fresh and natural. So natural, actually, that it took me a few lines to realize that you were rhyming at all. That's when you know you haven't forced anything lol.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*This poem is unique in that it doesn't really tell a story, but instead builds up a solid mental picture. There's not really an obvious message or statement being made, it's just like looking at a drawing. I like the way you use all the different types of horses to paint the picture too. I don't know anything about horses, so it didn't help me to picture them exactly. But there were so many different breeds that I could start to get a mental image of so many different horses all together out in the rain. It was really nice.

*Bullet*The meter helps to build the voice in this piece. Along with not really having a life changing message, there was also a lack of a characteristic voice. Instead, you had a very common, very quiet, almost passive voice. That's great when you're just building a picture. You don't want the voice to overcome the images. Nice work.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Bigsmile* Overall Comments *Bigsmile*

You build up a nice picture with this poem. It's short and sweet, but it gets the job done. I'm running out of things to say about your poems because the further I get along, the better they are becoming. I can see your growth as a poet the more I read. I like how you switch up your styles and play with different types. It's a good way to experience and explore and become a better author. Thanks for sharing all your poetry. I have a new respect for horses now.

Overall Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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37
37
Review of The Last Trail  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Everything seems to be in place. You did a very nice job of punctuating this piece. I like how you don't let the line breaks decide when you end a sentence. I don't normally like poems where a sentence is split up between stanzas, but for some reason I like it with this poem. It's a free style poem with stanzas, which I think looks nice but still holds the quality of well written free style poetry. That's something that's hard to pull off. Great job with all of that.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*Like I said before, I really enjoy the free style poetry broken up into stanzas. It just works for this poem. It might have something to do with the images you're using. There's order to everything, yet things are still free to go which way they want to.

*Bullet*I really love all the alliteration. Yours doesn't sound forced at all. A lot of poets try to put alliteration into poems but it's obvious they're just trying to use a technique instead of letting the words just flow. With this poem, it is very flowing and it works well. I read this poem once to myself and once outloud. When I read it outloud, I loved it about ten times more because of the sounds the words make.

*Bullet*At the end, I'm not sure who the "I" is in the poem. At first I thought it was the rider, then I thought it was the horse, then I thought it was the rider's spouse, and I ended thinking it was death. But I think by leaving it open like that, it's really inventive and creative and leaves it open for the reader to insert someone or something into that "I" position so they can make this poem personal to themselves.

Section Rating{/c{
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*There's two spots that I think need work. The rest of the poem I'm adoring, but for some reason the first and last stanza are giving me problems. Here's why:

*Bullet*1st Stanza You repeat three words close together. The words are "through" and "some other." You may have meant to do this, but I don't think it works with this poem because of the overall free style nature of the poem. I tried to find some sort of structure within the first stanza, but it just feels blotchy when I read it. The repeated words sound out of place and ugly against the rest of the poem which is free and pretty.

*Bullet*Last Stanza My problem with the last stanza is that all of a sudden there's no imagery. You start us out strong images, but you end with just words. It could work to your advantage, because the poem is about taking things away. But I think it needs something a little more to get that point across. Perhaps you could say, "I took away everything beautiful." That would keep the "pretty-ness" of the poem all the way through and help to go out with a bang instead of just sort of fizzling. The last stanza needs to be as good as, or preferably better, than the first. But right now it's just sort of stating what has already been made clear through imagery and fluffy words.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Delight* Overall Comments *Delight*

Overall, I really liked this poem. It's very beautiful and sad and really expresses the sense of loss. You should work a bit on the first and last stanza. The middle stanzas are all really high quality but I think the first and last sort of fall short. Your images are awesome and the ambiguous "I" really works for this poem. Well written and well processed.

Overall Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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38
38
Review of Red Latigo Reins  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Everything seems to be in place with this section. You have proper punctuation, but the structure of your sentences is done so well that there's hardly any commas. That's a good thing because commas tend to take away from the natural flow of the words. You have just enough to mix and mingle evenly. It works well.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*You have a solid structure laid downfor this poem, but I think in some spots you struggle to keep up with the structure and it feels really rough along the edges. I'll point out those spots.

1. The rhyme scheme is a simple ABCB. It works throughout the poem except for one line that used a saying as a rhyme. This line is

taking me by surprise, clear out of the blue.

It sounds forced, like you didn't know what else to say. Usually when sayings, proverbs, or anything else that is well known and used a lot is used for a rhyme, it doesn't work. It almost sounds corny when they're used to rhyme. That's how it sounds here, really forced and amateur.

2. There's one line where you have an extra, unneeded word. The meter will be fine without it.

was all spent now

You don't need the word "now." It sounds out of place, like someone stuck it in there as a pothole to mess us up when we read this.

I think for this line:

how right was the feel

It would be better to say it like this:

"how right the feel was..."

It just sounds better like that. That's my own personal opinion, so I didn't rate you down for that one line. I just stumbled over it when I read it, so I decided I would point it out to you. Chances are if one reader stumbles, others will too.

*Bullet*Other than the structure errors, I thought this was a good poem. You use all the senses to describe things instead of just visual. I like the sense of smell with old, dusty leather. That just triggers memories that bring up really good emotions to run in with this poem.

Section Rating
*Smile*
*Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I thought this was a very creative piece. To focus on the equipment instead of the horses, it gives this an almost timeless feel. I can actually see an old man or old woman getting off of a horse and hanging up the saddle and stuff. It really goes well with the end because, what I got from the end, is that it's about a person getting too old to ride anymore. That's what I took away from the lines,

My trail had ended, the fun was all spent now
before long I'd come to the end of the plains

I read these two lines as meaning someone couldn't ride anymore and had grown old and wanted to go on, but couldn't. So I really enjoyed the poem because that sort of emotional stuff always gets to me.

*Bullet*One thing that I'd like you to consider is to say why the rider actually had to stop. I read it as being old age, but you never come out and say it. I think it would be more meaningful if you actually dedicated one line to a reason why the rider had to stop. It would make sense for it to be old age since you refer to the reins as being old and dusty. So maybe you could say something about sore bones? Just something to help us identify a little more why the "fun" had to stop.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Cool* Overall Comments *Cool*

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. You have a few areas in it where the wording is off or the rhyme sounds forced, but fix those up and you'll have an excellent poem on your hands. There's a lot of deep meaning and imagery in it. If you expand a little more on the end of the ride, I think you'll get a lot more emotion out of the topic. But all in all, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing!

One question I had, however, is that I read in the description that you borrowed this from someone else's portfolio. Don't you think you should cite them at least?

Overall Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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39
39
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1*Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*I didn't find any errors with this piece. You do a good job of editing your poetry before posting it. Not many people do that on this site, they wait for reviewers to come along and edit it for them. Thanks for making our job easier (or harder because we have to find other things to talk about LOL!)

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*The structure is a simple on with an ABCB rhyme scheme. I wonder if this is the right structure for this poem, however. Structure sometimes will add to the voice of a poem. With an ABCB rhyme structure, there's almost an innate child-like feeling that comes along with it. Your poem is definitely not a child-like poem, but the rhyme scheme sort of pushes it into feeling that way. I think that a good rhyme scheme for this topic, if you'd be interested in trying to write another poem like this, would be an AABBA rhyme scheme, since you're making so many comparisons and then tying them all together in the end. It would just fit more completely.

*Bullet*Even though I said this structure is child-like, I think that you play it off well. Your meter count is solid with only a few places where it sort of bubbles, but those bubbles aren't noticeable at all and it's more how you pronounce words than actual error. It's all in the reader for that kind of meter, so I wouldn't worry about it.

*Bullet*Some of the lines feel forced, like you didn't know what to say to get a rhyme so you just put words together. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

Your hat is a Stetson, and I am your friend,
while I wear an Akubra and you are me mate.

These two lines coincide really well, but the little part of "and I am your friend" feels really out of place, like it came from out of no where. I think you were trying to find a good way to rhyme mate and gait. Maybe you could do something like,

You tip your Stetson hat and call me a friend
while I bow my Akubra and wink at me mate.

Or just something so the lines fit better within themselves. There's two completely different ideas within one line the way you have it. Connect those ideas into one so that the line will read better and the reader won't have to stop and be like, "where did that come from?"

*Bullet*Theres one rhyme that I feel as though it's a difference in accent between the Australian accent and American accent that hurts it. That's with the rhyme between "ours" and "flower." I'm from Michigan and we Michiganders have a really nasal way of pronouncing things. So the "o" in flower is more like an "ah." While the "o" in ours is more like an "aw." So to me, the rhyming doesn't fit, but for other people, it would be the same. And the fact that there's an "s" on the end doesn't help matters at all. I'm trying to think if a difference in accent would affect all rhyming, but I don't think it does. Just for this one rhyme scheme you stretch it out really far and for me, it feels like it doesn't fit.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I think this is a really awesome idea! Over the summer while I was working at the local newspaper in my town, I went to a kids program where they went over the differences between the Wild West in America and the Outback in Australia. It was really interesting and you touch on most of the same subjects they did. It's really creatively done to show the parallel between our two customs and slang.

*Bullet*I think that the voice could be improved a little bit by adding some humor to this piece. The reader will find this poem amusing, but there's no language that points to the amusing aspect of it. If you added maybe some alliteration or something, it could add to the voice and give it that extra kick it needs.

*Bullet*I like how you wrap it up and say that all the differences actually don't make a difference because we're all human. That's a nice message to be putting across. My only problem with the last stanza is that I don't think you should say, "it's the same earth we love." For some reason that sounds really Disneyland-ish. Perhaps you could say something about all of us living in the same spot or just something else to tie us together than love of the earth. It just didn't feel right.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Delight* Overall Comments *Delight*

Overall, I'd say you have a pretty nice poem here. Some of the lines sound off, but for the most part, it runs well together and fits with itself. There's a nice message being put across and it's done in such an interesting way. Thanks for sharing this with me.

Overall Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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40
40
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*I didn't find any errors in this department. You've place all the commas and semi colons in the right areas. Nicely done.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*This is a beautifully put together poem. Everything fits so well with itself. The meter is right on, the rhyme is natural and flowing, and the arch of the excitement and language is outstanding. It seems the further you get into this poem, the more vivid the imagery gets. And then at the end, you back off. This works extremely well with what is being said in the poem. You talk about just an empty field that is nothing until there's a horse running through it and then the field turns into a place of beauty. In the end, it returns to just an empty field. The arch coincides with imagery so well.

*Bullet*This is my favorite line:

Then the posts of wooden fencing become planks of flesh and blood

I'm not sure why it's my favorite, but I just really like it. I think it's the up and down beat of the line. Also, the fact that you give life to not just the field, but inanimate objects inside of the field as well. It's all done nicely.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I like how you kept the imagery to a nice flow instead of building images upon images like you do in some of your other work. I can really see things happening in this poem but also I don't ever forget what it is you're talking about in the first place. Creatively, it's wonderful.

*Bullet*The voice is also very solid. There's a mature feel to this. That's what poetry like this needs, mature voices. It gives in an eloquent feel. Excellent.

*Bullet*You were right about coming to this folder. I like your Africa poetry as well, but so far, I love this poem too. It really helps to set the standards for your way with poetry and language. You have a very nice control over language and can weave it the way you want. Poetry is definitely your forte.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Bigsmile* Overall Comments *Bigsmile*

There's not much I can say about this poem other than it's very beautiful and eloquent and flowy and frilly. I can really picture what you're saying and you say it so...majestically. (I can't spell so forgive me lol) Thanks so much for convincing me to come and read some of the poems in this folder. I probably would have ventured in here eventually, but thanks for making me come in here quickly hehe.

Overall Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

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41
41
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" . Thanks for entering the contest!

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*I found a lot of mistakes in this piece. You should go over this and try to fix them. I'll point out the errors for you so it's easier.

*Cut*...worry in the world(.) (hHe was a happy man). You don't need the parenthesis here.

*Cut*...computers that were was the best and that...

*Cut*...there is was to know about computers.

*Cut*It was info information on Y2K.

*Cut*(didn't we all?!) It looks and sounds bad when you use both a question mark and an exclamation point at the same time. It takes away from the actual writing and makes it feel like you're in a chat room.

*Cut*(well, there was that time when his cat almost got run over, but that has nothing to do with this). This doesn't need to be in parenthasis either. Make this a new sentence.

*Cut*He stared started to search for info information on what to do about it.

*Cut*Y2K That Didn't Happen; You don't need the semi colon here. Just end the sentence and start a new one. and as for John

Section Rating
*Star*1/2



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*The structure is pretty good. You explain to us what Y2K was and then take us through what happened because of the threat. Some technical structure suggestions would be to put spaces in between your paragraphs so they are more easier to identify. Otherwise it looks sort of junky and cramped.

*Bullet*This has a pretty good and funny plot, but I think it needs a lot of work to actually pull it off. Your character development is sketchy. It's cool that you tell us John is a lawyer and everything and how he's a man that never worries. But perhaps you could go a bit more in depth. How does he live? How did his friends react to him doing all this? There's just a lot more you could do with it.

*Bullet*This is also very quick and informal. You should slow it down and really describe things. A lot of people can connect to this story, but right now it seems like it's more a chatroom story than a written story. The language you use in this is really informal. All the inserts you put in parenthesis are unnecessary. Some of them are funny, but they're not really needed for the story.

*Bullet*Perhaps you could tell us a little bit more about Y2K and what it was. You just talk about what to do about it, you don't tell us at all what it was. It was a computer thing with the numbers not being able to comprehend 00 in place of 99. That's what my idea of Y2K was. Perhaps you could explain it a little more?

Section Rating
*Star**Star*



*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I thought this was a very creative plotline. But the way you wrote it could use a bit more. You just tell us the events, there's no filler words in between. That makes this quick and unable to attract the attention of readers. I think it would be cool if you added a lot of computer lingo or technical jargon, because that's what Y2K reminds most people of. It would be a unique way to write for it.

*Bullet*The voice is very informal and chatty. It's not really a common voice for literature. It seems almost childish. Something that I would suggest would be to instead of saying the word "psychiatrist" you should say something like "shrink" or "head doctor." Because psychiatrist sounds so formal and the others are more comical and funny. It will add to the humorous tone of the story.

Section Rating
*Star**Star*


Overall Comments

Overall, there's a lot of spelling and punctuation errors that need to be fixed. Put spaces between the paragraphs and give us some more description. Go a bit more in depth with the story instead of just telling us the bare facts and events. I can see this being a really funny piece, but as of right now, I don't think it's at its full potential.

Overall Rating
*Star**Star*
Write On!

Wenston

A word from Lady Agatha:

That John boy really worked himself up, didn't he? I never worried about the whole Y2K thing. I pay people to worry about problems like that for me. Funny little diddy you have here.

Lady Agatha.
42
42
Review of A Fishy Tale  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering!

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*All of the grammar and spelling is done correctly. You did a good job of editing this.

*Bullet*One thing that I notice is that when you refer to "Mrs. Pearson," you leave out the period after "Mrs." Make sure you put that in. There are a lot of places you do that. Also, don't forget the Mrs Miller in the third paragraph.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Snow2* Structure and Execution

*Bullet*This story skips around a lot. You follow both Helen and Ange, which is cool, but make sure the reader knows when you transition between the two. The part where Helen starts telling her husband what happened is followed by the part when Ange is with the doctor. There's no space or break or anything. You should add a break so that people know you've changed perspectives and places. Otherwise it's a bit confusing.

*Bullet*I thought you built up the story well. I pretty much knew what had happened, but you managed to keep it secret until the very end. And to make Helen actually mean to throw the fish, that was too perfect. Your sentence,

Who would’ve thought it would sail through the air so well anyway?

was one of my favorite sentences, though I'm not sure if it fits with the end. If she meant to hit Ange, then she must have known, right? But I still liked the sentence, it was a nice hint.

*Bullet*Something else that I thought I should comment on is the fact that you have spaces between paragraphs in some areas, but not all. And you have one line break in the right place, but not all the right places. You should add line breaks and spaces between paragraphs in all the spots there needs to be one. For online reading, it's easier when there are spaces between paragraphs. You could probably get away with indentations, but you don't even have those. You have to add something because right now it looks a bit sloppy because of all the quotation marks. Tweak it up a little bit so it's more pleasant on the eyes.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*This was a very creative piece. I really liked the overall story and found it very funny. Your characters are all interesting. I think there should be some more character development, but less back story. The line about Helen and her husband being married four years but not knowing how to be around each other felt a little out there. I don't know where it came from and I don't think you need it for the progression of the story. You don't need an excuse for the guy to be upset, his mother is in the hospital, that's excuse enough.

*Bullet*Your voice was good too. There were a lot of little one liners throughout the story that were pretty funny. A cheap one that I enjoyed was the line:

Might cost me the price of a new herring aid though.

That was too much, cheap but funny. And the whole end with Helen just being smug and eating fish and chips just wrapped it all up well.

*Bullet*One problem I have is that it went by really fast. I think you need to slow it down a bit. Line breaks will help with that because the reader will know when to transition. Also, some more description, character development, and maybe a bit more dialogue between Ange and the doctor would do you well because Ange is a pretty funny character by herself, without the whole fish incident.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Cool* Overall Comments *Cool*

Overall, I found this to be an enjoyable story. It was pleasant and humorous. Make sure to organize your paragraphs and add some line breaks and spaces so that it's easier on the eyes. Maybe you could add a bit more length to it with description, development and some more dialogue with Ange, but other than that, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" .

Overall Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

Wenston

And now, a word from Lady Agatha:

Hello darling! This was a creative little diddy you have here. I especially liked Ange. She seems like my type of woman, strong and independent. She shouldn't have let that Helen get the better of her. Good luck in my contest and thank you again for being such a beautiful gentleman. You may come back any time you wish.

Love,

Lady Agatha
43
43
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

You have a lovely collection of poetry and short fiction here. Your writing is very beautiful and visual. Something that I think you could use some work with is trying not to over write things. I know I've told you this before, but I'm going to make the analogy of a painter. If a painter tries to paint too much, he'll end with a black canvas. Try not to build images upon images. Remember what the message and purpose of writing your story or poem is. It's okay to use some imagery, but too much just lessens the quality of an item.

"Africa! Africa!"  is my favorite item in this folder, as you can see by the shiny award I put on it. *Smile* It's the most beautiful, most creative poem I've read in a while. I'm sorry I couldn't give you any constructive comments on it, but I think it's perfect the way it is.

Well done. If you add more poems to this folder, please let me know because I'd love to check them out.

Wenston

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44
44
Review of The Fever Tree  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .


*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*It's obvious that you've gone over this piece many times to pick out the spelling errors and grammatical errors. Punctuation and everything seems fine.

*Bullet*One thing that I thought I should comment on in this category would be your sentence structures. You have a lot of seriously compound sentences. There's nothing wrong with compound sentences, but you have a lot and it gets to be a little much after a while. One example of a sentence that I had a lot of trouble with is:

I listened to the wild voices of the world beyond our first campfire and marveled at the knowledge that there were beasts of the jungle that prowled among the sickle bushes, pranced, and pounced below the mysterious baobabs just out of the flickering firelight's reach that wavered in the rarefied air before me.

It's in the very first paragraph of this story. It has a very poetic feel to it, but I think for a short story, it's just a bit too much. Try breaking up difficult sentences like this one. It's okay to have some long, compound sentences, but remember to vary them and space them out.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*Here's where I'm really going to break this apart. You did an excellent job of painting an image in our minds, but like I've told you in some of your other work, you've way overdone it with the imagery. You give us too much to think about, leave some for the imagination. You use a lot of unnecessary adjectives. Here's a sentence where I noticed it sorely:

The amazing tremolos off the portentous strings sprang up into the sky, galloping like gazelles across the ethereal plains until they collided with the melodious yodel of the glittery silver flute.

There are so many adjectives in this sentence that I get lost in them. It's just too much. You try to fluff things up a ton and you do it too much. It's overwhelming for the reader to get through it. It started getting to the point where I wanted to skip a few paragraphs just to get on with the story being told.

*Bullet*However, I did like how you used the extended metaphor of the flame throughout the story. Fire is a key symbol in this story and so I think you should concentrate most of your writing on that. Forget all the other unnecessary descriptions. There are a ton of image creating sentences that aren't needed.

*Bullet*Why the huge gap at the end? I waited for a few minutes to see if a picture would pop up. You don't need to keep all that space. Maybe you put it there so the reader can stop to think before they scroll down to rate and review it, but really it's just unnecessary.

Section Rating
*Pthb*
*Star**Star*1/2


*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*This is an enormously creative piece. You do a good job of displaying music through words and the emotions that you felt while all of this was happening.

*Bullet*The voice was lost on me because I couldn't concentrate on what was being said. There was too much visual to actually listen to the story. That's what happens when something is over written.

*Bullet*I think this piece could be cut in half length wise and still be fine. There's a lot of excess writing that could be taken out. There's not really a story being told, just an emotion, but if it wasn't so long, there would be a better story arch than what there is now.

*Bullet*I like how you have the definition of the fever tree at the end. I'm glad you told us that little snippet of folklore from the country and the people. It helps with the emotion of the story.

Section Rating
*Pthb*
*Star**Star*1/2


*Wink* Overall Comments *Wink*

I think this is a good visual story. My only problem with it is that it's way over written. It's hard for people to concentrate when you're building images upon images upon images. A reader starts to forget what is being talked about in the first place and when you go back to it, they're completely lost. Try to tone it down a little bit. You don't have to impress anyone. You're a good writer so don't force it.

Overall Rating
*Wink*
*Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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45
45
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*All of the technical aspects of this poem seem to be in place. There's only one spot where I have a question. In the first stanza, in the two lines:

We found a house in Eagleby;
-- a place to make our home;

you have a semi-colon after the word Eagleby. I'm not sure if it's needed there because of the double dashes afterwards. And also, in the end when you repeat the stanza, it's missing. It's just something small and I was wondering about it. My knowledge of that sort of stuff isn't all that great. All I can say is to look into it to see which one is right, or if they both are, which one you prefer because they should be the same in the repeated stanza.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I think this is a good poem. I like the solid placement of words the rhyme scheme is well done. None of them really sound forced. The "roam" rhyme is leaning a bit towards sounding forced, but I think you can get away from it. Words outside of the rhyming that I think you should reconsider would be the word, "pretty" in the fifth stanza. Pretty is just a dull word and it takes away from the voice of your piece.

*Bullet*I like the repeat stanza. Especially because you talk about a journey and coming home to the house you bought. It's sort of like you start out at the house, go full circle and come back to the house at the end, like you say in the stanza. That's a nice little trick. It neatly wraps everything up. Well done on that.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2



*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*The creativity of this piece is fine, nothing too flashy or complex, just a simple, sweet poem. That's okay. I can see this poem being published in a home and garden magazine or something. You should try to find a place to do that.

*Bullet*The only problem I had with the voice was the use of the word "pretty." For some reason it just stuck out sorely. I picture a nice house with flowerbeds but when you said the word pretty, for some reason my mental image just vanished. I don't know why. I think because pretty is used more as a sarcastic or joking word today than an actual way to describe something that is really pretty. That's confusing but for some reason that's the way things are. For my age group anyway, late teens early to mid twenties.

*Bullet*For some reason, I really loved this line,

The ‘Mount Morgan’ of Brisbane,

I can't really explain why because I have no idea what you're talking about with it. I don't know if it's from a work of literature or what, but it just stuck on me and I like it.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2


*Delight* Overall Comments *Delight*

Overall, this was a very homey, tidy poem. It really reminds me of a home and garden section for some reason. Just the images you paint. Check out some of your wording, like "pretty" and "roam" and see if there are possibly better words to use. But if those words work for you, then keep them. This is a good poem.

Overall Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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46
46
Review of Africa! Africa!  
Review by Wenston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*Beautiful.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*Beautiful.

*Bullet*I love how your stanzas are progressive. By the time we get to the last stanza, it's night out and the imagery you use takes a turn towards a darker metaphor. It just fits so well with itself that I am amazed. I loved this poem, there's nothing really more I can say about it.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*Now this is a poem. With your other poem, where the lions are, I felt that there wasn't closure. WIth this poem, I feel like there is nothing you should change about it, at all. It's absolutely beautiful.

*Bullet*This poem is just so beautiful and your imagery is so masterly done. Have you ever tried to get this published? I think you should. If I had a magazine, I would publish this.

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*


*Bigsmile* OVerall Comments *Bigsmile*

Sorry I couldn't be more elaborate with my review of this poem, but there's nothing really I can tell you to change or fix. I loved every aspect of this poem. When the metaphor gets darker, so does your imagery. Things fit together so well with this poem. It's excellent, the first five star I've given since coming back with Simply Everything. *Smile*

Overall Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Write On!

Reviewed on behalf of "Invalid Item" .
47
47
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey there! I'm reviewing this on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Snow1* Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation *Snow1*

*Bullet*It's extremely obvious that you've put a lot of work into making sure that everything in this story is spelled right and written right. There were no evident errors that I could find. There were a few spots that I had to read twice over to make sure they were right, but that is more in the wording than in the grammar. And once I had reread the sentences, it still sounded fine it just sort of caught me off guard. Well done on going over this with a fine tooth comb!

Section Rating
*Bigsmile*
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2* Structure and Execution *Snow2*

*Bullet*I though the structure was well done. This is an epic short story and doing it in parts was a good idea. I was thinking whether or not I would still like it if you broke it up into numbered parts and I decided that it may add a little to the overall quality of the story if you did. This is just a suggestion, it's not a correction. I think that by numbering the parts, you really point out the epicness and fantasy behind it all, since fantasy stories are more often than not broken up similarly.

*Bullet*I thought that by having two main characters was on the verge of being too much for this. You pulled it off all right, but I felt that with the length of this story, I didn't have time to really get attached to Legan. I had no problem getting attached to Arwen, because you show him through the eyes of an admiring young knight. But I feel like the character Legan is a bit underdone. Give him some more spotlight. We're supposed to like him in the end and right now I'm just sort of "blah" about him.

*Bullet*I thought the end was a little sketchy. I saw the whole daughter thing coming from the first time you mentioned the Queen had a daughter. The ending was actually sort of soppy. I don't think Arwen should talk so much. Maybe just have him look over at his daughter and Legan and just have him smile? Or maybe bring the Duke in to talk with the Queen about Arwen being the father instead of him. Just something to make Arwen talk less. It's better if he's remembered by everyone else's memories, not his own words.

Section Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2



*Snow3* Creativity, Voice and Other Comments *Snow3*

*Bullet*I thought that for a short story, this was extremely creative, but for a fantasy short story, it was just average. There's nothing really that sets this apart from other fantasy stories. You use orcs and queens and knights and stuff, but it's all been done so much before. You sort of make up for it with a loveable character, but I still think it needs something that will help it stand out from the rest of the fantasy material out there.

*Bullet*The voice is solid. There's not a lack nor an overpowerful voice, but it's solid, which is good for a piece like this. I would have liked to seen a difference in voice between the scenes that center on Arwen and the ones that center on Legan. Maybe the voice when you're following Legan can be sort of naive? It would just add another dimension to the story.

*Bullet*I really liked the character Arwen. Though I thought at sometimes he was too smug. He left his lover and his daughter, he must have been hurt by that. Perhaps you can put in an underlying pain. Right now, I just see him as being extremely well tempered and happy, even though he's going off to his death. But maybe just add something where he thinks about all he has forsaken and really just wishes he can break through the laws of the world and just be a father and a husband. Just something to add a bit more depth to him. But I still do really love him.

*Bullet*At first I had a problem with the fact that you used the name Arwen, because immediately anyone who has read or seen the Lord of the Ring movies is going to think of that character. But I managed to get pass it halfway through the story. However, for that first half I didn't really connect with the character because of the connections I made with his name. I'm not telling you to change it, I'm just pointing it out that people may have a lot of trouble getting past the name. And the fact that Legan is an awful lot like Legolas doesn't help much either. Just be careful with stuff like that. There was a lot of comparison between Lord of the Rings and Willow, if you've seen that Ron Howard movie. People who saw Willow after they saw Lord of the Rings just couldn't sit through it because of the similarities. It sucks that there's so much similarity between fantasy, but that's part of the genre. You're playing in different realms, there's no way to avoid such similarities.

Section Rating
*Cool*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Delight* Overall Comments *Delight*

Overall, I rather enjoyed reading this. It was a good fantasy read and I really liked the character of Arwen. Think out his death a bit more. THe title builds up the last scene so much that you really have to play it off well or else people will be disappointed. Don't have him talk so much. Actions speak louder than words. Also, work on the character of Legan a little more. I feel that I could really love him, but I'm just not getting into him that much in this story.

Otherwise, well done.

Overall Rating
*Delight*
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

Reviewed for "Invalid Item" .
48
48
Review by Wenston
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Elisa!

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" ! Your support is greatly appreciated.

*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*Your grammar and punctuation was all really well done. I didn't find any mistakes with those two subjects.

*Bullet*There are a few spelling mistakes that I found. I'll point them out to you.

*Idea*First paragraph, last sentence:

*Cut*thses two places have

*Paste*thses *Right* these


*Idea*Sixth paragraph, fourth sentence:

*Cut*walk onto the school,

*Paste*onto *Right* into


*Idea*14th paragraph, second sentence:

*Cut*about Dick Clark

*Paste*about *Right* with


*Idea*26th paragraph, third sentence:

*Cut*may my way to

*Paste*may *Right* make


*Idea*Second to last paragraph, third sentence:

*Cut*but after all I've see,

*Paste*see *Right* seen


*Bullet*Those were all the mistakes that jumped out at me. Other than that, you did pretty well. Just go through this and read it outloud to yourself to get the subtle mistakes.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice of this piece is extremely interesting. I actually don't know what to think of it. On one hand, I don't like it because it's from the perspective of a non-fictional character. On the other hand, I find it interesting that you wanted to explore this man's mind. I'm really torn on what I think of this piece. But in the end, I think that the voice needs to be a bit stronger to fit in with this character. You go through a lot of motions in the first person that I don't think he would think about. There are some things that I don't think he would say in here and it's missing things that he would say. It's hard to find a voice that isn't yours, especially from this character who is so full of his own voice.

*Bullet*As for creativity, I love the thought that went into this piece. It's a very abstract, creative, and sort of thought provoking piece. There's a lot being said here, but you have to dig extremely deep to get into it. For that reason alone, I absolutely loved the creativeness of it all. It's such a subtle motion that's going on in here, but when you look at the whole of it and think and apply what is being said, it's so deep and extremely voiced from you as an author, not the character. You put a lot of your own thoughts into this by giving your character the thoughts he has. You also leave a lot open for the reader. Well done on creativity.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star*



*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*The one main problem I had with this piece is the fact that you start us off with no idea what is going on. By the end, everything is explained, but I think there needs to be a little bit of the character's thoughts in the beginning to really bring the reader into what is being said. Maybe some subtle foreshadowing on what will happen into the end.

*Bullet*I was really bothered by the fact you used a half cliched opening sentence. The whole dreary morning thing just doesn't work for me with this piece.

*Bullet*Other than that, I think you have a very interesting piece here. Well done. *Smile*

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Smile*Overall*Smile*

*Bullet*Overall, I enjoyed this piece. It started off with me not liking it at all, truthfully. I was actually going to stop reading it. But then, I caught on with who you were talking about and what was happening and all that other stuff. One of the reasons I'm rating this so low is because my personal enjoyment of the afterthoughts brought on by this piece weren't to my liking. But, I want you to understand that I like this piece a lot and I think it is very well written and philisophical. Writing about stuff like this, you're going to get a lot of people who will say they didn't like it because it makes them think about things they don't want to think about. Personally, for this piece, I would ignore the ratings you get on it and pay attention to the feedback, at least the ones that actually say something. You'll probably get a lot of people who don't like this, but then again, you'll probably get a lot of people who like it just because of who your main character is. This piece could go a thousand different ways and that's what makes it so special. You've done a great job here, stiring everything up.

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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49
49
Review of Haven  
Review by Wenston
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hey there!

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" ! Your support is greatly appreciated.

*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*I didn't find that many spelling or grammar or punctuation errors. You did well making sure that this piece was edited properly. Well done on that aspect.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice of this piece is lacking. There's not really a strong narration in here. Part of this could be because of the extremely rapid transitions between the two different character views. As a reader, I had trouble following the transitions. This piece flows so fast that it doesn't give your reader time to get a hold on the voice and tone of this piece. You don't use enough imagery or actually background story telling to get a solid voice to come through. Try working on slowing it down and maybe using sme imagery to help with finding your writing voice specifically for this piece.

*Bullet*As for creativity, this is an extremely creative piece. The plot is very creatie. Fantasy usually doesn't have a problem being considered creative. I wish though, that you would try to create some of your own ideas for this. It's an interesting concept, but you use such cliche races and armies that I was a little disappointed. I liked the idea of dragon riders, but you needed to play with them more. Also, the creative aspect is way over looked in this piece because of the extremely quick pace. You really need to slow this piece down and take some time to tell the story. Don't rush to get to the good parts. You write good gorey scenes, but you don't spend enough time building characters, descriptions, and other important aspects of stories like these. Spend some more time with all of that and you'll have a great, creative piece.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star*1/2



*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*Before I go through and point out everything that I found to be an error with this story, let me first suggest that you go through and read this outloud to yourself. It would make everything so much easier for you if you yourself were your greatest editor. There are a lot of things, that when read outloud, sound off. If you find this, then you know this is an area you need to work on. I'm just going to give the very vague details. I'm not going to go in depth with this review because I think this needs a lot of work before I can really give the detailed reviews.

Things to Work On


*Bullet*Background: You throw us right into the story. There's not set up for anything. I really enjoyed your first line, but after that, I was expecting you to explain things and you didn't. You use words that the reader doesn't know and if you do explain it, you give only very vague details. I want to know more about why they're at war, what started it, whose fighting, how many, what kind of weapons do they have, where are they, what's the setting, what's the time period, etc. There are so many questions that go unanswered. You should set up the story before you actually get into the action.

*Bullet*Characters: You need to do some more character building. I know names, but I don't know what they look like, or anything about them. You should portray them through their actions. Give them their stories instead of just pushing them through the events. I want to see inside their heads. You do this a little bit, but it's not enough to really get a grasp on the characters themselves.

*Bullet*Imagery: USE DESCRIPTION! There's not enough imagery in here and it makes this piece extremely bland. You move so quickly. This little piece, if written with quality detail, character building, and action sequences, could be a full length five chapters. It could be at least 20 pages long. But right now, it just moves so rapidly that it makes it very unpleasant to read.

*Bullet*Transitions: There needs to be more of a transition between the two storylines. When you started talking about Kess, it took me about two paragraphs to realize that you had changed scenes and characters. A lot of people put page breakers. You can use just a little "*" to do this, it doesn't have to be hardly anything, but you should have something to lessen the confusion.

*Bullet*Do all of this and then let me know. I'll come back and review this more deeply. I just think this sounds more like an extremely rough draft or even an outline than an actually written piece. And if that's what it's suppose to be, well then congrats. But it really does need some revisions. Add more depth to it instead of just giving us the bare details.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star*



*Flower2*OVERALL*Flower2*

*Bullet*Overall, I think this needs a lot of work. You do really well with the storyline. I think it's an interesting plot, but you need to work on portraying that plot interestingly and wholely. I needed more with this to enjoy it. Let me know when you revise this.

Thanks again for entering "Invalid Item" 

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star*
Write On!

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50
50
Review by Wenston
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey there!

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Your support is greatly appreciated. *Smile*



*Snow1*Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation*Snow1*

*Bullet*You've obviously gone over this with a fine tooth comb. I found no spelling, grammar or punctuation errors while reading this essay. It's very well written and your use of the "essay lingo" is very nice and to the point. It has a very professional feel. Well done.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow2*Voice and Creativity*Snow2*

*Bullet*The voice of this piece is strong. It's an essay, so the voice has to be strong and continious throughout the entire piece, which it is. I felt like I was reading this in a published book of essays on writing. I wonder, have you ever thought of publishing your essays together as a book? I would buy the book, your essays are all very well written.

*Bullet*As for creativity, the idea of this essay is pretty creative. It's hard to make an essay creative, but I think the way you went about getting your point across was a creative value of this essay. You use book and movie references, dictionary references, and your own personal views and the views of society as a whole. Those are all really good creative tools to use when forming an essay, especially an exploration essay like this. Well done.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*




*Snow3*Mechanics*Snow3*

*Bullet*The first thing I notice about your essays is your awesome sentence structure. With essays, I tend to look at the mechanics the most. I look at sentence structure, point and reference, facts, and especially punctuation and spelling. With an essay, things have to be perfect. (That's what I learned from college, LOL) I can tell that you put a lot of time and thought into this essay. It's not a first draft, that much is obvious. And you've obviously gathered your researched and maybe outline before you started writing.

*Bullet*I love the references that you use. They are all very well known books and movies. You summarize, but not too much. You look at only certain aspects while leaving your reader room to look at other aspects on their own to discover their own thoughts on the topics.

*Bullet*The only thing that I had a hard time with was trying to find a start and finish fact to compare. I do that a lot with essays, especially with analytical essays like this. I'll take a statement from the introduction paragraph and a statement from the conclusion paragraph and compare them, to see where you've gone with your essay. I had trouble doing this because at the end, it doesn't seem like you've gone anywhere, you've concluded what you've already stated in the introduction.

*Right*Section Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*



*Smile*Overall*Smile*

*Bullet*Overall, I think this is a very well written essay. The only thing I would suggest you work on is to make sure that this essay goes somewhere. Make a conclusion that is different from your original introduction and show your readers that you've learned something from writing this essay. But overall, it's good.

*Right*Overall Rating
*Star**Star**Star**Star*1/2
Write On!

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