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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/whysnowflakes
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68 Public Reviews Given
71 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Informal but I try to be as through as possible in my review. If I see grammar or spelling errors I make every effort to point them out. I always like to state what I liked before giving suggestions. With any review I give, I want you to know that suggestions are my own opinion only to change or not as you see fit. I am not good at reviewing poetry.
I'm good at...
Catching inconsistencies in writing and style.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Children's, Action/Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, Erotica, Horror, Religious/Spiritual
Favorite Item Types
No Preference (If you'd like a chapter reviewed, it would help to get a synopsis of the action up to that point)
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica of any variety, Horror rated over 13+
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Slave Labor  
Review by Robin
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I have the pleasure of being one of the judges for the Great Hall of Contest this round. As with all reviews, these are just my opinions, take them or leave them as you see fit. Thank you for sharing you story!

I really liked this piece. It's full of intrigue and darkness in a very interesting and well-woven world. Your main character El is likeable and your antagonists are certainly not. Your story has a nice flow and a great twist at the end to resolve the conflict of El being forced into a life of manual labor and slavery. Well done!

Specifics!

*Flagb*I like how easy it is to connect with El right from the get-go. He had a father and now he found out that his life is even less than he thought it was. That's the way with life sometimes and it's a great connection to your character. Great work!

*Flagg*I would have liked to learn a little earlier in your story the reason that El is being sent to the mines. We learn later on that he was sent to the mines for "insubordination" and that he is in fact a slave. But are all the lowborn people slaves? Who was he being insubordinate towards? Has he been a slave all his life? It's kind of unclear. Also, what does the letter 'R' branded into his temple stand for? It seems to have significance, since you've mentioned it twice.

*Flagy*"There were many here that would not recover from such a blow." The use of here takes this sentence out of past tense. Try There were many in the mines or omitting the word entirely: There were many that would not... Also consider omitting recover from this sentence, it's repetitive as you've used it in the previous one.

*Flago*A question: if El thought that he had a father up until right before this story, why is he unfamiliar with what it would feel like to have a grandfather? You might add that he "pondered briefly on what it would be like to have a real one of those" to eliminate this question from the reader's mind.

*Flagr*"The prince has lost his senses." Capitalize Prince to show Turge's respect for his leader.

*Flagp*I like that El realizes suddenly that he might not be lowborn. It gives him something else to fight for and adds depth to his character.

*Flagv*You've put in the perfect amount of description of the stone into your story- El doesn't know what it does and the Prince and the taskmasters aren't just going to tell him so it's alright that we're left a little in the dark about it. It must be something more than what happens in your story here, it would be interesting to expand this story sometime and explore that avenue.

*Flagb*I like the twist at the end that gains El his freedom. He managed to get away without being killed by the prince. I wonder if he's made a wise choice, putting such an obviously powerful relic in the hands of taskmasters.

*Flagg*"If they catch me this time, he thought, I’ll get more than a rebel’s brand." I recommend italics here because this is a direct thought.

Great work on your story and good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Chapter One  
Review by Robin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a great introduction to a story that I'd really love to read! You provide rich details and descriptions that throw me right into the action and make me really sympathize with Bradan, his fear and desperation in the cold, rainy night, his jubilation at his escape and his brief moment of triumph over his brother with everyone assembled, even if no one knew it but him and us, the readers. You mentioned in your review request that you were wanting comments on pacing and story flow. Overall, I think you've done a very good job. The story moves quickly as Bradan is making his escape and then slows a little (but appropriately so) as he is required to join the court at his father's side. There were only a few things that interrupted the story flow for me. They are just some things that I personally would change, but take the advice or leave it, I'm by no means an expert.

I'm tempted to say that you should leave
"The king would laugh it off and say it was the way of things. Boys would be boys after all. He always said that and then praised his oldest for being such a fine tracker. The royal court would applaud and the minstrels would sing his praises. All the while, they would sneer at the poor battered boy and quietly laugh at him. The songs sung about him were cruel and mocking and somehow never managed to reach the ears of the king. His name was Bradan. He was the second son and fifth child of King Aedan and Queen Aine. He was also the last child they ever had. Something no one ever let him forget.
off of the first paragraph. It's nice information for the backstory, so i'm not entirely sure I even agree with my comment, but it distracts a little from the scene of desperation you were so successfully creating in the opening sentences. Perhaps this crucial background info might also fit somewhere else in the story?

Well if the knife he had wasn’t good for fighting then he’d use it to save his hide another way. I would consider re-wording this without the "well" at the beginning.

Yeah, there were seven all right. The use of "yeah" doesn't fit in right. Maybe it's too modern a phrase?

There were still several stalls to be searched before reaching his. That hopefully gave him the few minutes he needed. Might be better worded ...searched before reaching his, hopefully giving him...

Really well done overall. If you need reviews on subsequent chapters, feel free to let me know. Thanks for sharing!

~Robin
3
3
Review of An Excerpt  
Review by Robin
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this piece, short as it was. (At the end, I found myself disappointed that I didn't get to find out more about the white and gold clad woman).

I believe you set the mood perfectly. You've successfully conveyed the dark, dank, and repugnant nature of the prison cell. It certainly is a place that I want to cheer for "the prisoner" to escape from, and as quickly as possible.

I like that you've conveyed the hopelessness of the situation so concisely. His cell-mate has been dead for weeks, he's obviously being beaten and he's dehydrated, to the point where he's willing to endure more self-inflicted pain to get at a simple puddle across the cell.

This is also a very thought provoking piece- does the prisoner recognize the reflection he sees as himself, and why doesn't he seem to remember how he got there? What did they do to him and why? Who is the woman that comes in to observe him, is she a friend or an enemy?

Some small errors I found:

"Across the small brimstone space..." Is brimstone meant to convey the smell of the cell being like sulfur, or is it meant to describe a rough rock surface? The most immediate image that pops into my head with this word is a fiery, lava-like floor. I think you mean to convey more of a rough, stone floor. Maybe granite might be a better word choice?

"...only from a crimson feint light...." I hope I don't misunderstand what you're trying to say here, but I think this sentence should be worded "only from a faint crimson light". Note the difference between feint and faint.

"...surface ablaze with a glories red light." I believe that this should be "glorious red light" or "with the glories of the red lights"

"His throat was dryer than the hunks of meat..." This should be "His throat was drier" so as not to get confused with the laundry appliance. This link should help. http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/parts-of-speech/... (I've done my best to research this word, forgive me if this is a difference between American English and something else)

Overall, this is a great piece and I'd love to see where you take it and what will happen next. Thanks for sharing your character!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Robin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for your story! I found this via the Writer's Cramp forum posts and read it to see how a previous winner would incorporate a specific genre into their writing.

I found your story to be entertaining as well as seamlessly fusing two unrelated topics (detective story and getting on the cover of Rolling Stone). You did a good job of developing the characters, even the pop star Jayne Moonstar, in the specified word limit. I like how you easily jumped from telling the story of what happened to the present where a bet is being made in a bar.

Good work, this was a fun read. Write on!

~Athalia
5
5
Review of Driven  
Review by Robin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. What a scumbag. That's the impression Mr. Aiden Samuels leaves me with. It makes me hope that I'm wrong about him, but I highly doubt it. I believe it through and through: you've painted a picture of a man who is ambitious and power-hungry and what's the word?... ah, yes, Machiavellian. I also like the snapshot in time you've create surrounding him for this story. I think it brave of you to create a character that is not a good guy.
A grammar error that you missed "...a price to pay for all you going to pocket from the deal" (you're)
I also wonder, though it's not integral to the development of your character, how old Justin is. i just wonder if he's going to be dethroned by a teenager is all.
Overall, I really like your work and I wish you luck in the contest.

~Athalia
6
6
Review of Meeting Darien  
Review by Robin
Rated: E | (2.5)
I enjoyed reading your sample. I like Megan; she's industrious and relate-able (who wouldn't like a gorgeous guy to come up and inform her that she's been noticed?) Not sure I like Darien yet... he seems kind of like a creeper at this point; appearing out of nowhere and informing Megan he's been watching her. And then he just sits at the table and watches her work. Hmm. Personally, I'm rooting for Megan to tell him to get lost, gorgeous or not. A small show of manners, beautiful eyes, and some cologne do not a gentleman make. So I grow suspicious of him.

I know this is just a sample of a larger story, but there doesn't seem to be much point to this encounter. Who is Megan? Is she some lonely undergrad student trying to just scrape by in her classes or is she on the brink of discovering a long lost civilization or the cure to cancer? Is she desperately lonely because she just survived a car crash where everyone she knew and loved died? And what about Darien? Is he a a wizard and going to teach her magic? Is he some creepy college stalker that's going to spoil her life? Is he going to invite her on a secret trip through some space portal? This is all very unclear, and I wish I knew why I should care about these people. That's our goal as writers after all, to try to connect with the reader so they want to invest in this character and make a connection with them. Some of our best friends might be characters in books.

There are also a few grammatical errors that I wanted to draw your attention to. Line 2: "leant" should be "leaned", same thing in this sentence "once more, she leant back in her chair". "He smelt sweet" should be "he smelled sweet". And the rest of that sentence would be better worded "she leaned back in her chair with the pretense of breathing in the fresh air". Note the change in spelling of pretense from pretence. Also the sentence "Her mind dwindled on that question..." should be "She contemplated that question...", dwindled isn't the correct word choice. Also be aware of tense changes "...but she had never seen him; that's strange, as it's not exactly a crowded library after all" should be "...but she had never seen him; that was strange, it wasn't exactly a crowded library."

I see a lot of potential in this relationship you've created. I would be pleased to read an edit of this piece or a longer version with more details. I'd love to see where you take this and find out if Darien is a good guy or a bad guy.

Keep writing!

~Athalia
7
7
Review by Robin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed your story. You have a great ability to describe setting and make the magic believable. You've got an interesting mix of technologies too, what with pistols, airships, mages and magic. I like your protagonist a lot. He's curious, determined and the slightest but reckless.

I wish this had been an introduction or a prologue to a novel though, instead of a stand alone story. The space you gave yourself to tell the story didn't seem to be adequate to the depth you wanted to create. After Sparks puts on the ring, the pace shifted slightly and seemed a little rushed. This might have worked a little better told in first person as the ring was causing him to lose his mind.

I wasn't too surprised when they killed him, it seems like you set that up nicely, but again, I think that there is too much potential in the world you've imagined to just introduce these mages as Sparks is dying and then end the story. Seems that a novel would really allow these ideas, legends, characters and places to really flourish. In this story, I think they missed the mark a little because of lack of time to develop ideas.

Great work overall though, and if you need any more feedback, I'd love to read more of your writing. I really enjoy your style.

~ Athalia
8
8
Review of Bound intro  
Review by Robin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'd keep reading! I love the way the man shifts from an attractive man that you might want to go talk to into a menace that you get the feeling you want to run away from. And I love the closing line "...the rising steam, which was growing darker with each passing second." Is the steam getting darker, or is she falling asleep? I'd want to keep reading to find out.

I think you may possibly benefit from creating more of contrast between the dream and reality... maybe by describing the action more than the colors. But maybe colors are what create your overall feel for your story. That would keep me interested, in which case I'm wrong. I do think that sometimes descriptions can bog down a story that is really a gem, so I would just have you help us connect with your character (Jacki?) and less with her room.

I'd love to read more to see where you take this. If you ever need more input, I'd be happy to review again.

Nice job! Keep up that eerie feeling!
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