This is a very interesting, catchy poem.
I like it, and think it comes together well.
Some suggestions:
"If i come,i do not turn back way
I stay,i stay,i soak,i play" <This is really beautiful, and I give it +.5 points. However, I really feel you might want to consider capitalizing your "I"s. Also, you need space between your commas, as it's all squashed together.
"Jump,flood,irrigate the layouts" <-- squished together due to no spacing of commas.
"I got to reap my hay" <- I don't think it's justified that you decided to throw in what I see as a *random* "got".
"Nobody can butt between you,me and the day" <- You need a comma after "me"
"I am tattered,scarred,bogged down with duties,clay
My vows,my knows,the sediments tray
Please hear out my say,my darling day" <- This is squashed again, and will absolutely throw a reader off, making us less able to enjoy your writing for what beauty it has.
"With you till fraternity end" <-- I don't understand this. Please explain what this means.
With you specifically, and your writing.. I see a potential at something great, and feel a strong sense of creativity from you within your writing.
Please consider making these adjustments, and I would be more than happy to re-review your piece of writing once you've done so, if you'd like.
This piece of writing sends a strong expression of the pain, and common encounters in some part's of a lot of common cities.
Your grammar appears very poor however, and your neglect to capitalize, have a steady flow, and control your formatting is very evident.
The thing is, even slang like this can be appreciated to a certain degree by the right person. But, I don't see that happening with the way you wrote this one.
Suggestions:
"Doggy Doggy World" into> "Dog eat dog world" (?)
"I didn't farm my seeds like I knew they
should be." What's this supposed to mean ?
"a little pipe from me" Unnecessary vulgar, pulls the quality of your writing down in my opinion.
4. Consider reformatting entire piece of writing, and balancing it out better so that words and sentences don't randomly stick out without real meaning.
This to me is a beginner's sophisticated piece of writing.
I can see a lot of thought went into it. For the most part, it appears very sensible and appealing to the eye.
I like the ways in which you slowly brought your rhymes together, and did not overdo most of them. +.25 for pace
Suggestions:
"Thinking of the life we would share,
Even little things like the pulling back of hair, "> This combination of these two sentences don't appear to me as being very original at all, and I feel that the rhyming technique is slightly childish.
"To make a gift only we can see,
To make it worth it to you and me," into> either consider removing the comma, or perhaps the capital "T" on the second line. I don't think it's acceptable with both.
"That is the life I wish to give,
and that is the life that I wish you live" into> "... that I wish you to live" (possibly?) I don't think this part should stand the way it is. I don't see enough balance in it, considering it's the ending.
This piece is written very well, and to me shows a clear indication of genuine passion, love, care, and soul. It's a bit sad I think, in some ways.. and perhaps could have been kept in higher mood, and more positive for a more "dull" reader that may typically be attracted to this kind of work.. but it's no trap.
Had you gone further and explored.. maybe into his mind, his dreams, or even yours.. I would have placed higher value on this place of writing. Though, this is just my perspective.
I just have one suggestion, to capitalize the "i":
"And i'll help you see the better days"
This piece of writing has an overall very nice flow to it, is well written, and carries from what I can see a pretty solid and genuine sense of expression.
I do want to comment on this set, as I don't think it goes well together because of the longer length of the second sentence, versus the balance of adjectives, and verbs.
"The light around me now grows dim
It is overwhelmed by the darkest of them"
The ending closes very well, with a nice matching and perfect correlative closing-pace. +.5
I do however, wish this was a bit longer-- as I think this piece, your writing, it's emotions; all had more to offer than this-- at least capacity wise.
Thank you very much for sharing.
As always, I look forward to reading more of your writing.
This is a very interesting, and well written piece. I especially like the final sentence.
I can tell you have a strong sense of the surrounding nature of our world, and possibly push a relation of that with mankind itself.
mirrors trimmed in
phantom lace, crimson (I don't think that these two sentences match up well together. Possibly reformatting it would make it smoother for the reader, and help the reader make more sense of it. Nothing extreme.)
forevermore, the weak, the sick
the expendable(.) (possibly consider adding this period <)
I don't think that this part is very original, or well-thought out.. (thought it is very well written)
"Faces blurred in memory
leaving nothing behind to soil
the exuberance of a rage
no longer desired within
the framework of society
Only the predator’s tracks
remaining to haunt the dreams
of spectators until the day
the monstrosity arrives
shining brightly in the"
This is a very well written, beautiful piece of writing. It has in my eyes practically total truth to it..
I really like it, but I don't like the "thy"'s, "thine"'s, and the excessive "shall"'s.. but this may very well just be me..
But, I really like your piece without these.
Never the less, I think you may want to stick a common in here:
"Thy secret withheld thy stories unknown." into> "Thy secret withheld, thy stories unknown."
Thank you very much for sharing this powerful piece of writing.
Your writing has a nice flow to it, and a set of positively charged expressions clearly visible to the reader, in my opinion.
I don't like the lines starting with "OR", and I feel it would look neater and more organized if you substituted that for a different beginning or starter for those lines.
Also, I don't see why this isn't capitalized at the word "and"
"and that someone loves another someone,"
However, I don't suggest starting these lines with the word "and" either.
These are just my suggestions. It is very clear to me though that you have a very open, explosive, and unique mind. I hope you continue to share this with us on paper, and this website.
This was very well written, organized, and quite humorous. I enjoyed it.
It can come off as a little confusing, but only if you're not paying attention to the reading-- at least in my opinion.
Do you have any more parts to this, or additional writings like it ?
I'm giving you 150 GPs for this piece of work because I want you to keep and continue to use your points to publicize and share these humorous clips of writing.
I really like this piece.
It has a great pace, rhythm, and "free-roll" of expression if we the readers are willing to interpret each line with equal genuine passion of understanding.
May I suggest to make it neater and more presentable to combine these 3 into one line ?
"Writing
Dreaming
Fighting"
I know you did this twice here, and there is another set of them, but to clean-up this one I think would make it more organized, and easier on the eyes so that we the reader may not get distracted.
Thank you for sharing, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Well balanced, a great stride of rhythm and pace.
The emotions are evident in this piece, and come ripping out at you if you read it correctly with only the utmost genuine precision.
Way to convey your thoughts. Now will you share more ?
This is a very nice set of "thoughts". I enjoyed reading this, and it has a semi-nice flow, and I do feel it has a good, solid expression to it.
May I suggest these changes:
1. for my self is slipping to darkness. into> for I slip into darkness.
2. Send a thread some lifeline into> send a thread of lifeline. (or are you considering yourself the "thread"?)
I also really like this line: "Last chance, speak truth or gone evermore sound from these lips"
Very expressive, and natural.
Thank you for sharing, I look forward to reading more from you.
This was an interesting read.
I like the speed of this, and how it comes together.
However, I find it very difficult to follow along and understand it to "the fullest" in a lot of ways, which is unfortunate-- especially considering it's a smaller piece.
Possible suggestions:
1. just beyond your imgination! = Capitalize the "J" + Spell-check the word "imgination" to get "Imagination"
2. And pop! there they are again! = Consider capitalizing "t: for "there" in this line.
Respectfully, I've re-read and reviewed your writing since the last adjustments.
I still really appreciate the content within it, and am glad that you've still kept your heart in this piece of writing.
Just 2 suggestions:
1. (Perhaps consider making this one line if you see fit) I believe it will make it a better, and easier read if formatted this way.
But can one be free
And live?
2. I would suggest minimizing if not ridding all question marks. This however is only my opinion, that it looks neater, and more magnetizing if you're not just asking the question, but you're "throwing a little answer in" as well. In example:
"Shared by all humanity.
Why should I be so special?"
Shared by all humanity
What has made me so special
I don't like the light-blue font, and I think it's too much on the eyes.
You have a few typos you may wish to review. In example, "Te pleasure". You don't really have too many, or any big ones that I saw.
In my opinion, you have potential. The more you write the better you're going to get. Simply put.
What I would have really liked to see in this poem ? What you wanted out of this "freedom", and why you want it so badly.. do you even know if it exists ? Words are only words, promises, laws, writing...
I like your expression and attempts at rhyming while both still moving forward. I can definitely see a picture you try to paint.
Just a few suggestions:
1. You have an extra period lying after paragraph 2.
2. Why did you capitalize "he" here ? "Was He man kinds chosen one?"
3. What is tenets ? I may be wrong, but I think you mean "tenants".
4. I like your writing, but I wish you would move at a slower pace. My mind moves so fast when reading this, I hardly get to enjoy or imagine the unimaginable.
In regards to the ending though.. does he/she own you, or owe you ?.. I know you didn't typo this, but I'm just wondering, judging from the way you wrote it, I'd like to understand which that would be..
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