Okay, your rhyme and flow are good but it is more then a little bit gory, it is down right sick and gross! Its okay for a poem but please, please tell me it is just a poem and nothing you have ever done or a fantasy! Please!!!
I hope that everything worked out or works out for you. It seems as though this could be one of those times when things aren't really as they seem and the end could be good. Or it might not. But I'm hoping for the best for you.
You have a nice story but it reads more like a letter instead of like a poem. With a little work, delete a few words here and there it will flow better and be more poetic.
The only other suggestion I have is to capitalize your "i's."
You have a very cute poem and I related and I am sure most if not all who read it will relate as well. You rhymed well and the flow was nice.
The only problem I had was,
"All I know is this,
Is that I want just one kiss."
Like I said, the flow is nice except right here. I think you should take out "Is" and it will read better.
How cute, I really enjoyed your poem. It reminds me of my teenage years. I'm not sure if the language we used has come back or if you're as old as I am.
I think I must have been a cross between a girly-girl and a tom boy. I spoke the talk of the girly-girl but I am not a fan of skirts and dresses and I hate hills!
You are a great painter. I see a little old man who sits on his porch, night after night smoking his cigarettes and drinking his coffee. His beloved wife of many years has passed on and he sits on the porch looking at the stars knowing she is up there looking down on him. The twinkle of the stars reminds him of her smile and he sits there on the porch, night after night waiting until the time comes for him to join her.
I have a few suggestions:
"Im broken" change to I'm broken
Take out the commas
change
"Broken, just like I am
That’s where I stay, broken" to
"Broken
Just like I am
That's where I stay
broken"
I like "broken" to be by itself. I think it emphasizes it more.
You have written a very powerful poem. I have a feeling this was a form of healing.
As for corrections, this is what I found:
"whiskersbreathandfingers" should read whiskers breath and fingers.
I'm not sure when you wrote this but sometimes after writing something we have to go back when we can step back from it a little. When you're writing with emotion, and it seems as though you are, it is easy to make mistakes like missing some spaces.
What a wonderful and inspiring story. I read the lyrics to the song first and sent that review. I can't even begin to critique this for errors ... the story is too is to inspiring, heart wrenching and emotional.
Thank you for sharing this story. Meghan has touched someone else.
I hope I don’t' make too many typos or spelling mistakes, its hard to see through the tears as my six-year old angle snores beside me. I can only pray I never have to fully understand the meaning behind this song.
You have written a truly beautiful song and I will be checking it out.
God bless you and the family whose tragedy is sure to touch everyone who reads this.
What a pleasure to read, I loved your poem! It almost seemed like a song to me.
I can picture a young man who falls for a beautiful girl who he finds out is horrid but by then he is married to her and he is old fashioned and stays with her ... maybe because of kids. Then he is confronted with her lover who wants to be with her and provides him with an excuse to escape.
What a nice poem. I admire and envy the obvious relationship you share with your farther. I hope he realizes what a wonderful gift you were to him as so many tend to take advantage or not realize until it is too late.
Wow, what a great story! I can't wait to read more and find out what is going on. I didn't see anything that needed to be corrected other than it doesn't seem finished. The only reason I didn't give it a five is because I am not an editor (as a reporter, just ask mine ) and because there are few works which can't be improved on in some way and I would hate to discourage you from doing even better.
I thoroughly enjoyed your piece, thank you sharing. I wish you the best of luck,
Your poem is heart wrenching, yet encouraging. So many people don't realize when its time to call it quits. Some times, there’s only so much you can do and the best thing to do is to simply walk away, although it is not simple at all and often the hardest thing to do.
Heart retching and beautiful! No one knows how they would react or what they would do in a situation like this and I can only pray I never have to find out.
The love of this husband and wife is one which few are lucky enough to find and you have written it beautifully.
Thank you for sharing, I wish you the best of luck.
I think I understand what you tried to do with your poem and while I agree, as for a poem, the flow had some problems. It also gave a depressing, gloomy feeling, which with the message you are trying to portray, is hard not to do but without some hope offered, many won't be reached by it.
As for corrections, there needs to be a space in between no and more in the third stance.
What a nice picture your poem paints. I can just see a loving family enjoying a windy fall day. The brightly colored leaves floating around, the husband and farther so strong, everyone feels safe and secure with him.
Thank you for sharing, I wish you the best of luck,
What a wonderful experience this must have been. To have a love born with spring, to bloom as the flowers bloom ... It has been a long time since I have experienced anything like this. Back when I was in school I had a time or two when I met someone during spring break. Those and the summer romances I found were touching learning experiences I still treasure.
Interesting and intriguing. I feel I can relate, as there are times I feel many things I can't say or express except through writing. That's what I see in your poem. You are the grenade and your pin is actually your pen. To me, the pin being stuck is when a writer has writers block.
Well, if I'm right or wrong, I enjoyed your poem. Thanks for sharing and best of luck,
Very nice but I feel it was just the beginning. I want to read more, you have definitely peaked my interest. You have a great start to a potentially great story. Please let me know when you have written some more.
I wish you the best of luck,
Tammatha
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) and because there are few works which can't be improved on in some way and I would hate to discourage you from doing even better.