I would just as soon frame this for a good spot on my wall. I think this pretty well covers life's real secrets doesnt it? It is very eastern and, if I may say, Buddhist in philosophy. This was a great gift for me because all I did was hit the little dice icon and got this spectacular.....is it a poem or a guide? Maybe both. Well written and certainly well thought out.
This wasnt actually too bad, though it really could have gone Kurt Vonnegut and been really good. One thing is that yes, I wanted to know but honestly, I wanted to know later. Try to hold the suspense a little, even if that is not the theme.
Maybe I had difficulty understanding what this was about. The writing is ok and there is a twist at the end. I got a little lost though. I also didnt understand how an MFA became a lawyer (if thats what he was). I guess I wanted backstory and its hard to do that in 750 words.
This was really quite good. Let me say this: The story is not really the kind of thing I read, but your writing is quite good. I really like the sort of internal exploration that goes on. It goes from being earthy then soars into the heavens at the end. I also am usually not attracted to the "here and now" type of storytelling but you do it well so lets just say you converted me into a fan by the force of your writing alone. I know its tough to get fives (people on this site tend to be jaded...too much input I suspect) but I think this deserves one.
I was just thinking the other day that pirates are what is missing from today's fiction! Its odd too. I live near St. Augustine and there are pirates all around, so the stuff must be selling. I would love to see a modern day Treasure Island come out.
As for this piece, there are two things going for it. First, its funny all through and second, I dont see enough pirate stuff.....well, and third, it is done in an original format. I dont know if it has anything on the tilapia poetry (a recommended read for anyone on this site) but it has a charm all its own......Off to drink some rum...bye now.
It isnt perfect but big points for satire. It is pretty well written. What I would see changed is I would make the reporting of friends and neighbors part more subtle....I get into trouble all the time because I assume my audience doesnt already make up thier minds about alot of what I am writing. In an effort to make them understand, I make sure I put plenty in then when it gets reviewed they basically tell me they didnt need that to figure it out. The satire here is really clear, in my face and that is cool especially since you are right. But I would make things slightly more subtle at some sections....nevertheless "you bet your sweet bippy" is funny in and of itself.
Its pretty decent. I think the grammar may be off slightly but I am not expert speller and I didnt spell check or anything. Erotic or romantic poetry usually doesnt get noticed by me but this was short, sweet, and easy to understand.
I like this. It isnt the language or images like in most poems I think. Its more the message. I really like message poems and this one was positive which is also a plus. I guess the downside is some people might not get yes sir e bob and folksy stuff like that but I do so it sure isnt a problem for me....Truth is, that statement adds something to it for me.
There is a story here and it gets points in my book for presenting a disturbing picture. I think I miss the story (partly plotline and partly theme.....I guess) amidst the description. The language is ok. Maybe its just too short for me, which is always my problem. I always want more. More than that though, I think this is a case where the description, which is good, drowns out the rest....no pun intended.
Its really solid. I was reading Poe recently and this reminds me of his stuff a bit (without the victorian flair....and I say that God for that). It is sophisticated and at the same time you dont hit me with words that send me running for my dictionary. Thats the kind of poetry people relate to because, lets face it, who wants to stop in the middle and go combing through a book to search for meaning. Either it means something right then or it doesnt.
Also, it is a great contrast to your Tilapia piece (which I liked even more). It shows man cannot live on tilapia alone (the abundance of the prolific species notwithstanding).
Anyone who can go on that long about a food dish deserves a five in my book (and I dont give them....hardly at all). It was like reading the Dr. Seuss of food. I must admit that I love food and I have a daughter who is fond of that same dish (though with a cilantro sauce instead). Maybe I will find time to do one of these about cheese. I dont believe I ever had a cheese I didnt like. As for spicy food I say....yes!!! Set me on fire!!! There is something to be said for having my eyes AND nose running when I bite into something.
Overall, hey, it wasnt Yeats but you did well on my favorite subject.
You know, I once wrote a poem about my children. My ex-wife told me it wouldn't be good for the popular market. Later, when I didn't care about the popular market (as writing always should be), I wished I had that poem back.
So this is good, and it ends well. There are nice images and that is the important part of poetry.
Its good.....comma usage might be off a bit. In other words, I feel I want to keep going and you tell me to pause. Excellent description though and it really was hard to find something wrong with it. Its always good if I want to see more.
I think this is actually a pretty decent piece. At first, it wasnt my thing but honestly, poetry is mostly about images and when I went over it the second time, there are a good many images to see there. I could go on about the stanzas not matching up or me not completely "getting" the poem (obviously it is a love poem but I dont grasp anything deeper) but lets face it, in modern poetry, they dont have to.
Anyway, the images are great. I like poems with more message but upon further review, my personal opinion doesnt matter that much.
Almost perfect with shades of Dickenson here. It tells a story. It doesnt have to be analyzed. Why were those great poets great? Read Frost or Hughes. Very little complexity there. Very little to guess about.
The only criticism I would levy is that not every poem can be written this same way. I only say that because you will then risk sounding like a hallmark card writer. So occasionally go to something less sentimental (for all I know you already have that stuff), especially if you keep rhyming. I love rhyming poems so it isnt a problem with me but combining this with some more complex stuff and maybe even some darker stuff would be good in a collection. In a collection, its nice to have a whole landscape instead of just one lake and a tree, so to speak.
Nevertheless, it is a very good poem and it almost feels like a Dickenson. And that aint too shabby, as we say in the south.
This is good. I think maybe it could be organized a little different. I had a little trouble with the story timeline, though I got it when I read through a second time. Still, what I am saying is for most people, you only have one chance to get them to understand the timeline. The story comes full circle in the end and its good, at least for me, to have a story that comes full circle. Small things in the language leave me guessing a little. One example is why the words "of course" by groceries? I felt like I missed why that should be obvious to me. What that means is that if you did tell me earlier, it didnt make enough of an impression for me to get why it should be obvious.
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