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289 Public Reviews Given
291 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The first thing I see about this is that I do not have a difference in fonts between spoken words and actions. I dont know if that is just the system on writing.com messing it up. Likewise, this is not center justified, which it probably should be. I can get with the whole concept, though I think with a screenplay, you might not necessarily have to be as detailed with the physical aspects. That is where the director's creative freedom is going to come in. In other words, no matter how you set it up, they will not shoot it as you imagine. I think screenplay should be more verbal (just like a play) than anything and so it is essential to get the dialogue down right. I think the dialogue loses something and it could be all the action going on. At least, it does in reading but it might look different on screen. It almost feels like something from the Hallmark Channel and that is not bad, if it is what you are going for. I think your command of the English language stays intact and you have a really good idea of what you want to do. I just think you need to do two things, polish the script and then read it, act it out....see if it sounds natural enough to you. If not, then make it natural, verbally if necessary. Best advice I can give you.
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Review of Twenty  
Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
One great thing I have to report to you: You have the capability to write!!!! Praise God! Let us concentrate on what this thing needs to put it over the top. First of all, is and was are very close relatives and often is makes things passive (though they dont feel as passive as was). For instance "My dog is staring at me like I’m an idiot. " This is actually passive and the way around it is "My dog stares at me like I'm an idiot." But in this case, it might make more sense to leave the passive phrasing in there. Still, there are several is clauses and you need to review them to see if maybe you could change them. OK, really, probably and almost are weak words. Not necessarily anything you have to omit but take a second look at them. Do you mean really, or would you rather use another word. Just break out the thesaurus and use another superlative, or dont use one at all. I will show you one more is statement and this one really should be changed "But buying things most people wouldn’t ever dream of affording is just something I do."
There is something else. I feel the story needs something more. I dont feel for the character. It's like the beginning of something but the character needs to be flawed or in some way give me something to root for. I am sorry this sounds more critical than not because the witing is really quite good but if you ever want to get published, get used to it because if someone likes something, they will pick it apart. If they dont, they will send a form letter.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (2.5)
OK, now wait a minute. I thought the world was dead and there were no living things. As it turns out we have men and rabbits at the least. The world you paint, which is ashy and gray, is really very good, but the story is a little confusing. On the advice side of things, first, eliminate "was" because it is passive or appears to be passive. You can get away with it some but not really very much and it is best to get out of the habit anyway.
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Review of Attempting the We  
Review by wworsham
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good linear organization and nice word choices. Well thought out rhyming scheme. I am not entirely sure but I think this said it was free form? I would not exactly call it that, as it clearly has some form, though I have not counted syllables here. I think it is good as in I dig it but not great as in I really dig it but that is largely a personal taste thing. I understand the repitition but dislike it. It feels a little like an artillery barrage. On the other hand, this is easy to understand, straightforward, and linear, so good job.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I was expecting a train wreck because so often that is what takes place when someone puts up a chapter. In this case, that did not happen. This is well written, meaning that it conforms to the norms of the english language, not that it is "good" or "bad". The thing is I had to compare this with the only other major dwarf work I know of which is the novel "Dwarves" and I would say this is at least as good as that. There are a few things you could improve on but overall, it is not too shabby.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: ASR | (2.0)
I dont think the story is bad. That is, I understand the movement of it and where it is going but, there are several things that need to be done with this. First of all, get rid of the words "could" and "was" from the vocabulary. Those words are passive in nature and do not denote action. I will give you an example from your text: "Blood was dripping off their bodies as if they took a bath in it." Now, there is the question of what, the blood or the bodies, is the subject of the sentence but lets set that aside for a moment. Try this sentence, "Blood dripped off their bodies as if they took a bath in it." See how it automatically becomes more active? Also, if I were you, I would vary my sentence length. You seem to have a lot of long sentences and very few short ones. Some people are afraid of short sentences because they dont want to lapse into "Dick meets Jane" territory. But, well, lets look at a sentence here and maybe you can see what I mean: "My father looked at my mother his one blue eye and one brown eye looking into her green ones wondering if he should tell her the truth or not." Now, I feel out of breath after reading that at one clip. Why not say, "My father looked at my mother. His one blue eye and one brown eye looked [not looking] into her green eyes [not 'ones]. He wondered [not wondering] if he should tell her the truth or not." You see what I mean? Savy? Perfectly good sentences that tell a story not telling a story because you have them mushed and jumbled into one sentence. None of this is really rocket science, but it does take practice. You can improve this story a whole bunch just by doing those things. After that, I am sure there are other revisions but I just want you to know this so you dont spend a year on something, then not understand that the only thing wrong with it was simple structural things that you could easily fix.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think it is a solid form poem that you see too rarely these days. I think the second line in the second stanza could use improvement. It feels like marbles in my mouth. The rest flows very well.
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Review of Black Box  
Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
It has a good story to it and will make a better one when it is complete. I do not think you should reveal this person as a predator just yet. Or if you do, do it with narration and description. Hitting me right away with that takes something away from it, somehow. The story is the thing though, and it is good, an interesting idea.

As for advice on this, dont say that a voice yelled, for example. A voice cannot say anything, it is the person who must say. Avoid, if possible, making the voice the subject or the character, if you catch my meaning. I would say avoid adverbs but some people use them to great effect. They dont scare me off like they used to do.
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Review of The Interview  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story feels like Catch 22 but of course is much smaller. I like the description, the setting, the narration. I love the "Private Eastman Hyphen Flaming Nagle." This is good original prose that sits right at absurd without going completely over. Again, it reads like Catch 22 a bit.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
OK, this is my first one in a very long time. This would rank out higher because it is a scene that does tell a story. What messes this up is dialogue attenuation. The best way to do things is with the word "said". Not said with some activity attached or "grumbled" or "muttered" or adverbs as attenuation like "he said snidely". You have to let the audience decide based on what is in the dialogue. If you are not sure about the effect it will have, or what point is coming across, then write it over until you are sure people get the point. Even where we have "said" it is often attached to an attenuating statement like, "trying to ease the situation". There is nothing wrong with a little of this but when it is all through the piece it becomes distracting, so I am forced to dissect the story apart from the attenuation. So far from doing what you want it to do, which is enhance the dialogue, it takes away from it. As a start, take out the attenuation. Then change the dialogue that you feel does not indicate what you "really mean" so it is more specific.
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Review of Right Now  
Review by wworsham
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, I like it. It has great feeling and that is important. I think what you are doing with alot of this is purging feelings out that you gained from some trauma and writing is just the thing for that. It is the one medium where you can talk and no one interupts or interferes. Good luck on WDC
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Review of The Closet  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think it really isnt bad for a first try and if gone over, it can be very good. The one thing about these Poe stories is that they are limited in audience. Still that audience is loyal. I think you did a good job with atmosphere and that is what makes it a Poe piece for me. I think maybe it needs a little polish. I think also it may need to be longer and I for one would be interested in knowing how you came by the place.
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Review of Pleading carrot  
Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
OK, despite the three rating, dont be discouraged at all! This is a fine, imaginative story that has legs. Evil carrots cannot be a bad idea! Carrots that drive people to insanity is equally good. What I think you need to work on here is format and grammar. Just take this whole thing and first run it through some kind of WP program, especially those that check spelling and grammar. Thats going to kill half the troubles.

The other half is perspective (that is, point of view). I begin seeing a story which is third person, then it changes to first person. Unless this is done in some sort of dialogue, don't do it. In fact, the entire first paragraph doesnt even need to be there. The other parts of the story just need to be gone over an re-written as if you were the reader and not the writer (when we write, we are never keen on changing anything but changing is good).

On the upside of non convention, I dig digging so digging I did is a great sentence and should stay no matter what else you do. Its got a wierd rhyming juxtaposition that goes well and flows well. It lost me a little bit in format but the story got me in there to see what needs to happen to make this really good.
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Review of What to write  
Review by wworsham
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nonsense in abundance is some of the best literature. Hey look, I dont know if the poem is great, though it sounds like a writers block poem very much to me. Still, I think the thing has a feeling of honesty in it and how better to start writing on a regular than to write about the block?
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Review of Nursery Rhymes  
Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
OK, the grammar and all of that are good. Also, it seems to me that the concept of the whole thing is pretty good. What I think you will need to do is put it all together a bit more. As a first copy of something that is just started, this works out very well. But when you show, you show so well, so dont tell me.

Lemme show you: "When his door ripped open and the men burst into the room, he lay paralyzed watching them with fearful eyes as they half-carried, half-dragged him out of the room, down the stairs and to the waiting SUV. "

Now here, I went to a great action moment but unfortunatly, the thing came up short. I'm quiet, tick tocking then I have one sentence to describe what happened next with no apparent lead in at all. I begin to say, "Wait. What did I miss? What men?"

And you may think you WANT me to say that, but you dont because then I am re-reading the paragraph before and, I dont know about you but in any book, I dont ever want to do that more than a couple of times. What it means is that there is a point made but missing. You failed to show me the scene because, most likely, you wanted to get on to the other parts of the story further down. I do the same thing and EVERY time I get caught for telling, not showing. All it means is you will have to slow down the pace of the narrative so my mind can catch up with what yours is putting on the paper.

Good news is the whole thing does leave me wanting to know what happens next.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Wow, where do I start here. OK, first there is such a thing as realistic writing and such a thing as maybe putting out everything that is in your head....everything you would like to say but dont.....that sort of thing. The problem with that is that I as a reader become consumed with, not the story, but the cuss words in the story. I am not arguing for the church ladies or the Catholic church here, I am talking about readability and sometimes one cuss word is enough. You might say, "Man, I feel really sh**ty!" Or your character might. But after a certain length of time, they become just poorly spoken teenagers. I remember being a teenager......and in the military. Every other word was f**k or f***ing and you know, its true that at some points in ones life, that manner of speech asserts itself. But for readability, it becomes difficult to focus on the story, which is supposed to be the important thing. At some point the cussing actually detracts from it. So that is one thing. Its like some people say, "Well, if I make this for adults, how can I possibly make it interesting without cuss words." Believe me, in some cases, people dont even care about the words that way, as long as the story goes along well.

As for the story, it seems to me to be something where people are just trying to be as crude as possible and if I thought that was really the point, if that were done well, if the narrator was less crude and showed how the others were trying for some reason other than simply to be crude to BE crude, I could understand. But I dont understand this. Its like an episode of Jerry Springer. It doesnt fit erotica. Its like a bad porno.....worse yet, its like the kind of porno you watch one time then NEVER watch again. Really, its like "The Ring" of porno's. You know, you see it and realize it is cursed then want to get it off the shelves before anyone else sees it. Thats what this story is like. And the bad part is that this apparently is only the first chapter. Then at the end, we have Pokemon references. Please.....no Jigglypuff showing up in this. Please....oh man.

Now, the crazy thing is that this is sort of decently written. Grammatically, it isnt all over the place. But sheesh, give me something else here besides what I have in front of me. I can tell by the structure you have alot you can put out there.
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Review by wworsham
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review from
Let's help each other grow- Closed  (E)
On Hiatus until further notice.
#1761581 by ~*Arpita*~
to encourage our newbie members. It has been a pleasure to read and review your work


Well, you certainly should continue to write. I found no real glaring grammar or stylistic errors. Of course, with something like this, I always ask what you will do with it now. That is entirely up to you for it can form the foundation of a story or a poem or any number of other things. As to the questions, I would say that you shouldnt ask me. I have no idea in matters of the heart. I would say that I disagree with one thing which is that one person can play hard to get as easily as two.
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Review of Release  
Review by wworsham
In affiliation with Let's help each other grow...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, it was a good spiritual piece. One thing I dont really understand is the last line on the first stanza. Still, the cool thing is this looks alot like a chalice, whether intentionally or not. And the message is good, one of hope and uplifting.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think the story is very sweet and I dont think the subject matter has anything to do with this rating. What I think is that the advanced theology part is not explained. It seems to me that if she already drove cows well before, it was no real suprise she could separate them in that way. It was not miraculous, in other words.

I think the writing is good and folksy, which is where mine goes often, just by nature. That is good, especially for a story like this. It just seems the more miraculous things happen at the beginning and end. The development seems slightly disorganized to me.

Nevertheless the story is a solid four. It evokes emotion and it tells a story (for the most part very well).
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Review of ME & YOU  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.5)
Do you know that I almost dismissed this really great poem! I started reading and said, "Well here is one like all the rest." But this was good because the imagery was so very well written. The siamese twin references were especially good. Then we have this gem "gut-wrench reversal and expectoration"......that is literary gold but also good poetry. My only complaint at all is that I would not like you to explain the sobriety at the end. I know the cretans will take it to mean literal sobriety but not if they take into account the rest of the poem.
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Review of Why So Few 5's?  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I think that it is one thing to have the opinion as a reader and anther as a writer. It is likely that I find there are things I want to change about every single thing I have written (in fact, some are quite significant) but my primary mission here, if I can, is to encourage. If the truth be told, that is why most writers come here. They want the feedback.....always the feeback. Well, I dont want to stroke anyone....that isnt what I am here for but if I generally dont see any real need for improvement, I will rate it at a five. Thats not to say that personal preference does not play a role. If a work is well written, I try to give it a high rating but if it bores me, I will rate it lower.

Anyway, I see the point, but if someone shows up with an Emily Dickenson poem (and I mean just like one) then I think I will give them a five.
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Review by wworsham
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lesbian werewolves!!!!! I dont mean to be a heathen but woo-ooooooooo! And I could never expect better than lesbian werewolves!

At any rate, to your points, it doesnt sound like a bad system to me. I dont know, though, the stories and poems are so varied that it is tough to stick to this kind of a system. The originality of this plot would automatically get them a couple of points. Now spelling is something that generally shouldnt be messed up. Everyone has spell check so I guess it happens to everyone but it shouldnt be really messed up. Also visualizing the scene....ah well sometimes that is the reader as much as the writer.

So the points are well taken but I dont think I can assign them those exact values.

Also, as to people who lock up accounts. I understand keeping out people who are just fragging you. I dont understand keeping everyone else away. I mean, if the only people who see your work are those who like it, what are you really getting?
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Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is good because it is, essentially, an essay on essay's. There are descriptions there and I especially like the idea that when the essay is written (and timed...often) it is sometimes not only hard to finish or conclude but to start. Suppose you dont want to write to the prompt? Suppose there is something else on your mind? Then it becomes much more difficult. The only fortunate aspect of an essay like that is that there is usually more leeway granted by teachers (though some are tough birds about it)
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Review of Annie  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, I really liked this very much. The description of an old New England graveyard is not only accurate but such that I can almost see the place. And you know, the children sneaking in.....it really is like that. Frankly, I dont know where people wont go to get berries in season. We used to pick them on an old farm lane by our house. I like the whole idea of this cemetary being a peaceful place, and happy. So often our thoughts of death go to the sad, but it should not always be this way.

Very good poem
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Review of 2-14  
Review by wworsham
Rated: E | (5.0)
I wont do my good bad and ugly thing on this one because it isnt a long piece. However, this was a great Valentines Day poem I came on at random (roll of the dice if you see what I mean). It reminds me of the way people often feel about Christmas. I also agree with the feeling. The world would be a better place if every day were a holiday, or all of them rolled into one.
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