This has a fairly amusing and satirical tone to it. It could be more effective if this piece had stronger senses of both time (i.e. when did this happen? The sixties would be an obvious choice, but specifics would help) and place (i.e. where did this happen?) If you are going to use real-life references, expanding your story beyond just the beatles and beach boys might help, also. Maybe Elvis or the Stones could play roles, here?
I liked it, with one small caveat. The 'my land' passage is kind abrupt shift in tone. It shifts from a tribute to a muse to a country. I would suggest making that the start of another piece altogether. I hope this feedback helps.
This is a bit rough around the edges, but there is definite potential here for an interesting fantasy story. Here are my suggestions:
1) Give a stronger sense of Jessy and the kingdom in which she lives. You describe her as living with family, which would suggest she is young. What is the purpose of the daily ritual of going up this particular mountain? Maybe it's connected with how she and her family live their lives - maybe there is a well at the top of the mountain, or food (such as fruit) which grow on the trees there?
2) I think a spotting of the dragon from afar - gradually coming in closer to where she is - could be the strongest introduction of it into the story. I would think that a dragon that could actually speak to humans, and happens to meet Jessy on his travels - would try to assure her that despite his ferocious appearance he means her no harm. That could help pave the way for a deepening connection between the pair.
3) What is the significance of "the Citadel"? Does Jessy want to actually visit this place some day? Try shedding more light on this, to draw the reader into the story.
4) The dragon's disappearance seems rather abrupt. Try drawing out this crucial first encounter more, before ending it.
4) I would suggest adding punctuation in more spots, to help the story read more smoothly. Run-on sentences can be easily broken up into smaller ones, where needed. I would be happy to give specific examples within the piece, if you care to hear them.
Pretty amusing. I would suggest hinting at a specific time of year (i.e. early January) in which this poem takes place, to make it even more effective. And yes, I have worked retail!
This story has an interesting concept, one that I dont think has been 'overdone' in the horror genre, but I am by no means an expert on it. This could certainly be stretched out into a much longer story - maybe even a proper novel. My main suggestion to you to improve this piece as it stands - 1) use proper punctuation. 2) Give physical descriptions of the characters, including the ghosts. 3) The part about the 'haunted stuffed animals' is effective, in that it's taking something considered 'cute and innocuous' and making it much more sinister. However, the part where the ghosts throw pieces of chicken at the two protagonists packs less of a punch. It seems more reminiscent of a grade-school 'food fight' then something truly horrifying. I think the ghosts simply warning the teens to 'stay out of this mall!" could be more effective.
This was about 2/3 effective, even with the 'wince' factor. The twist ending was good, tho. My suggestion is to draw it out, by letting the reader know firstly that this is 'break-up' sonnet, then you can ease into the 'VD' subplot.
The theme here - rekindling marital passion / happiness by a seemingly simple night in front of a fireplace - might actually be more effective in a fiction context. Try writing a story around this theme - using your own experience as inspiration - and see what you come up with.
This works as a 'surprise twist' story, it just needs a few revisions to be even more effective.
I would start off with the action of Lunette walking home from her shift, and approaching her home. Show the anticipation of her being able to relax, after a hard shift at work. You mention a 'Mag', but don't tell us who she is. You imply that Mag is her boss; why not spell that out? Also, Chester winks at Lunette at one point; cats actually cannot wink.
This is a good story, with the potential to be a very good one.
I would suggest opening the story with the narrator at work, then spotting Tristan and having her reverie begin. (You can keep the narrator's gender ambigious, if you wish.) Show the narrator pining for Tristan, and at the same time worrying about the consequences of any overtures she makes. You run into a bit of a justification problem in terms of Tristan not wearing a wedding ring. Most women would wear the ring until the marriage actually ruptures (by way of separation or divorce). Maybe Tristan can mention a casual boyfriend, or ex-husband? That could work, as justification for why she isn't wearing a ring.
Also, the narrator seems too assured of her chances with Tristan, once she finds out that she (Tristan) is having marital problems. The biggest hurdle of any same-sex courtship attempt is that if the other person isn't gay, bi, or bi-curious, then they are certain to reject the overture. Why isn't the narrator worried about this?
How does the narrator feel when Tristan hugs and kisses her? That is crucial, since her desire for Tristan is central to this piece.
The last quibble is a few grammatical errors. The 'spits out' phrase (as a dialogue tag) only needs to be used once. "started" doesn't work as a dialogue tag. And "She smiled blowing me a kiss" should read "She smiled, and blew me a kiss."
For the most part, this is an interesting and imaginative take on 'shape-shifting', even with the echoes of the X-men and Harry Potter movies.
Jamie's involvement with the (presumably imaginary) Federal Paranormal department needs to be more detailed. Where is Jamie living, as he trains with them? What measures is this department taking to keep their activities - and personnel - secret? If the government is involved, then presumably they want to use him for special purposes. What might those be? Who else is being trained at the same time? Some sort of peer-group bonding would be a boon to the story.
The 'shifting into women' plotline is fine, but you want to consider how else Jamie would use that power to his advantage. The encounter with Tara is intruiging, but also seems both homoerotic and narcissistic (on Tara's part). Think about it: if you had a clone, would you really want to make love to him? Wanting to have sex with a partner with similar physical features to you is one thing, but clone-seduction is going one step further - could it be a step too far? That is the only troubling element of this chapter, as it reads.
This is a story with potential, it just needs to be honed. The beginning is ambiguous, for example; it tells of a boy finding his tribe attacked in the present tense, but but then abrupty jumps ahead in time, so that suddenly it's nine years later. This is a problem easily fixed. Why not tell the 'attack' story as a prologue, or a flashback?
We also need a layout of the land. This seems to be taking place in an imaginary township/kingdom. What are the boy's surroundings like? What has happened to him, since he was taken prisoner? Has the enemy tribe adopted him as one of their own? If so, wouldn't have they tried to indoctrinate him, as well as train him?
The 'revenge' factor works as a motivation for the boy, but we should also have a sense of how he plans to fare after the murders of his oppressors. Does he intend to stay in the forest indefinately? If he leaves anyone in that Knoras tribe still alive, then surely the survivors would connect the dots to his involvement, and then pursue him.
The 'first-person' point of view can work sometimes, but I am not sure it works here. The advantages of the 'third-person omniscient' POV is that is is easier to make the story jump from person to person, and place to place. For example, the follow-up scene to what you just described could show the rest of the Knoras tribe dealing with the aftermath of the boy's revenge spree.
You also need to double-check your grammar and punctuation. Some of the sentences are run-on, and read more clumsily than necessary.
Good luck with your fantasy story, as you (hopefully) revise it so it can be marketable.
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