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4 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Fall  
Review by Yorkshund
Rated: E | (2.5)
Telling a story as a narrator is never as effective as actually showing the events happen. That is the main problem with this story. You write this from the POV of the mother, when the actual events of the story are really happening to her daughter Kayla.

I understand that you want to show the concern and love of the mother for her daughter. You can still do this while writing from Kayla's POV by letting her actions speak for themselves. Once you have written about Kayla's accident, you could switch to her mothers POV and have her see the her find the horse arriving and have her rush out in a panic to find her little girl. That combined with the mother waiting anxiously in the hospital and then later looking in on her daughter as she slept would have shown everything that needed to be shown without the need for narration.

I see in your story the potential for a truly lovely short story, I hope you do work on telling less and showing more.

Write on! *Smile*
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Review by Yorkshund
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Not a bad piece, but there are a few things about it that need to be addressed.

First off, most of it is telling as opposed to showing. Lynn tells us about the meeting at the party and she tells us about events that happen as her feelings develop. I understand that it is a lot easier to have a character tell things, it lets you get plot points out quickly with little effort. But if you had actually taken us to the party, had actually had us witness some of the little moments that Lynn tells us about, it would have been a lot more effective and would have allowed us to form a closer bond with your characters.

That is a main problem as well, I ended the story with no bond with Lynn and certainly not one with Jason. They are simply two people cheating on their spouses. I actually felt somewhat satisfied with Lynn being upset with how her affair with Jason is turning out. She talks about being unhappy with her marriage, but since you never show us what her marriage is like, we only have her word for it that her husband is unaffectionate and inattentive. she might actually be cheating on a really good man and we would not know it.

Technically your story is well done, I did not spend a great deal of time looking for problems with spelling and grammar, but obvious problems tend to jump out at me and that did not happen with your story, so good job there!

Please, I hope you do decide to expand your story and give your readers a chance to connect with your characters and your story will be the better for it.

Write on! *Smile*
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