Hi there! My name is Zoe and I will be reviewing your work today!
I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals.
I hope that by reviewing you, I have helped put a smile on your face! 
Title: Come and Gone are Gone.
Initial Thoughts:
This will be the first short story I have reviewed, so wish me luck!
At first look I can see that your sentences are huge! I'm not sure if you have set it out that way intentionally or not, so I will talk about that later in this review.
Remember, this is only my opinion and this is your piece. So it's all upto you.
I like the title a lot, gets the mind wondering.
*Considering there is a *f***ing* in your first sentence, I would reccomend that you make this 18+, again, Up to you.
Thoughts after reading:
Wow! This short story had me hooked from the begginning. It's like nothing I have read before, that's for sure. I wonder where you got such an idea?
At first, I wasn't sure if I would like it and then I started it again and found it way more interesting. It's dark, depressing and daunting and I really like the narrative.
The irony at the end of this was almost commical to me, I had to laugh a little. Poor guy, things never do go as we plan though, or how we want.
A really well done on this!
Advice of improving your piece:
I saw a lot of issues in this, I won't list them all because a lot of it is repeated. This is only my opinion.
*You wrote: Tuesday: (Perhaps have a space after your days?) This coffee ain’t bitter, but it ain’t too good neither, but the odds of me downing another
cup of this bile’s about one in six, and if anything’s gonna get better, well I’ll tell ya one thing, it’s gonna be my lifeless f***ing body laying headfirst in a pool of my own blood because right now this .357 magnum feels heavy, but its clink-clink to the floor’s gonna be bout as silent as a church mouse because revolvers, if I learnt anything, well, they’re damn loud.
(Here, is an example of how you have most of your sentences. They are far too long.)
Suggestion:This coffee ain’t bitter, but it ain’t too good neither. The odds of me downing another cup of this bile’s about one in six. If anything’s gonna get better, well I’ll tell ya one thing, it’s gonna be my lifeless f***ing body laying headfirst in a pool of my own blood. Because right now this .357 magnum feels heavy, but its clink-clink to the floor’s gonna be bout as silent as a church mouse. Revolvers, if I learnt anything, well, they’re damn loud.
*You wrote: And you know what, I wasn’t born with no silver spoon jammed down my throat, but my family wasn’t no scoundreling thieves neither.
Suggest: Perhaps losing the *And*, you start a few sentences off with an And. : You know what?, I wasnt born with no silver spoon jammed down my throat, but my family weren't no scoundreling thieves neither.
*My pop, he was a butcher for years and years and if I learnt one thing from him it was to work hard and keep your mouth shut because if you got a job you’re lucky to have it, and if you don’t that ain’t necessarily your fault either because sometimes there’s jobs and sometimes there’s not. But, he was a good man up till he got a little too drunk and thought it’d be a grand idea to hop a train south.
(This is another sentence that is too long) Suggest:My pop, he was a butcher for years and years. If I learnt one thing from him, it was to work hard and keep your mouth shut. If you got a job you’re lucky to have it, and if you don’t that ain’t necessarily your fault either. Sometimes there's jobs, sometimes there's not. But, he was a good man up till he got a little too drunk and thought it’d be a grand idea to hop a train south.
*And I know one things, and that’s that my family wasn’t no model for sticking together.(And is used again here.)I know one thing, and that's my family wasn't no role model for sticking together.
*That’s why I never married a soul, came close though, but put that to an end right quick; didn’t want to deal with the grief and problems that came along right with it, and to this day that might a been a good idea, might a not, but if there’s one thing not strickening a person with grief then its another and that other ranges from the IRS hounding a man over pocketing a little cash on the side for helping reroof a acquaintance’s house to your health declining into some oblivion
Suggest: This is just another example of your long sentencing. Perhaps just a re-read.
*I flip the chamber open because this’s a game and not no hundred percent verdict on my life—hell, she’s not even a fifty or thirty percent verdict on my life, I’d give it bout seventeen or eighteen percent verdict, but I ain’t that hot at math—and yup, we got five empties and single round sitting here all pretty and glimmery mooning me with its metallic asshole.
Suggest: Re-read sentence and shorten
*Nothing but a click. Well, ain’t that my luck, but I guess you could say that either way it happened. Suggest: end paragraph here. I like this sentence!
*If there’s one piece of advice I can pass on to another single person living out and about on their own, it’s this: buy some yellow, rubber gloves for doing dishes, because you can get that water scalding and there ain’t no way you can feel the heat through them suckers, and once my plate and silverware’s done and back in the drawers and cabinets I take that seat on that rickety old chair, sip my coffee and once again wrap my fingers round handle of my .357, lift her to my temple and squeeze that bad boy.
And again we got a snap of the hammer hitting absolutely nothing. This is one of my favorite sentences, so I think it needs to be fixed up.
If there's one piece of advice I can pass on to another single person out and about on their own, it's this: buy some yellow rubber gloves for doing dishes. You can get that water scalding and there ain’t no way you can feel the heat through them suckers. Once my plate's and silverware’s done and back in the drawers and cabinets, I take that seat on that rickety old chair, sip my coffee and once again wrap my fingers round handle of my .357, lift her to my temple and squeeze that bad boy.
*Mormoms came by later yesterday bout eleven a clock.
Mormons
*I hadn’t really noticed the day, but f*** me if wasn’t beautiful, so what’d I do? Took me a stroll, which I haven’t done in God knows how many years. I think this was meant to be *but f*** me it was beautiful.
*Lady Luck’s laughing at me every day this s*** goes down without a hitch. Love this!
*Connie slides my biscuits and gravy and home fires down the counter right to me and I dig in quick as a cedar bird snatching up a vole to take home to her babies and Jesus Christ if it ain’t good.fires should be fries, I'm guessing.
*Probably a good thing Lady Luck wasn’t smiling on me again because I’d feel awful if old Connie had to clean up that mess of brain and blood left on the dirt-stained ceramic tiles gracing the floor.
Probably a good thing Lady Luck was smiling on me again
*“Ya old fool. I fixed that roof nice and good all them years ago, and I can tell you one thing that’s true as anything, and that’s that ain’t no way am I giving you no money for something I did, quite Frankiely, a good job on.” Frankly I don't think it's meant to be italic, unless the character is taking the piss outta him because his name is Frank perhaps?
*“You know I did just fine, now leave me be for(before) I take your sis back down to the dugout and lay it to her again and embarrass your ass front of the whole town again.”
*You can never trust a person to not stalk in your house in these days and age cause there’s murders out there and rapists and pedophiles just waiting to sneak in your house and kill you in your sleep just because, because people are crazy.
You can never trust a person to not stalk into your house in this day and age. There's murderers out there, rapists and pedophiles just waiting to sneak into your house and kill you in your sleep. Just because people are crazy.
*“Frankie Albers, what’re you doing there, bud.”
"Frankie Albers, what're you doing there, bud?"
Final thoughts:
With those issues out of the way, I think this story could be brilliant. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was surprised to read this, it's not everyday you read about a guy who plays with fate like this.
I really enjoyed this and I thank you for that. I have to admitt that I truly enjoyed the narrative, his outlook on life was unique.
Oh and I do love my morning coffee! 
Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work and I hope I have been of some assistance.
Zoe  
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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