The Delluvian Delegation

1



Thwack! was the sound that rang through my head as Ambassador Kwarg slapped the Venutian Salmon against my face. I, in return, flung a handful of Deluvian Crab meat at his chest, which was the custom. With that, raucous cheers came from the crowd signaling the beginning of the festivities.

“On this, the most inviting of our holidays, we welcome Ambassador Dylan Worthe of the Earth Alliance.”, said Ambassador Kwarg.

“Thank you for your kind introduction.”, I replied after my translator implant did it’s job. “We of the Earth Alliance look forward to the fruitful exchange of culture, trade and ideas with the Deluvian Empire.”

At this the crowd began to bang their scaly blue forearms together in unison, which I was told is a sign of gratitude and acceptance. The sound resembled that of muted snare drums. I bowed in returned appreciation and sat back down in my seat.

“We have several treats for you today ambassador. Not many outside of the Deluvian Empire have ever experienced the holy week of Nanjing. We hope our friendship with the Earth Alliance will change that.”, explained Ambassador Kwarg.

“The Earth Alliance is very interested in all cultures, especially those species who value peace and mutual prosperity across the galaxy.”, I replied.

“Spoken like a true dignitary. Loosen up and enjoy yourself. Dellanna is about to sing some of our most traditional songs. To really appreciate it, you should turn off your translator implant.”

With a smile and a nod I reached behind my right ear and disabled my translator implant. At that instant the lights lowered and the curtains parted in front of the stage at the far end of the room. A Deluvian female strutted on stage. She was scantily clad, her physical features were not unlike that of humans, except for the blue scaly skin that covered her mostly exposed body and her prominent brow line.

I sat upright in my chair, eager with expectation for her performance. She flashed a wry grin towards me and began to sing. If you could call it singing. She sounded like Yoko Ono covering Tom Jones in German. The pain shot through my brain like a spike. I cannot in all honesty say that my eyes did not cross. I quickly reached behind my ear and reactivated my translator hoping it would alleviate some of the pain. In reality, this only made it worse. Now, not only was this the most awful sound I had ever heard, but I was being treated to the worst poetry that had ever been written.

Ambassador Kwarg misinterpreted my pained writhing as enjoyment and proceeded to signal the band to play louder. Dellanna, “The Glass Breaker” as I would refer to her forever after, had to compensate as well. With a wide smile, he began banging his forearms together feverishly.

For several minutes the entirety of the Deluvian delegation watched me with ecstatic gratitude. Finally, The Glass Breaker halted her incessant screeching and was replied with sound of muted snare drums.

“Ambassador Worthe, very rarely do our songs affect a Deluvian the way it has affected you. We are extremely pleased and honored.”, said Ambassador Kwarg.

Gathering myself the best I could, I responded, “I’ve never heard anything quite like that in all my life. Perhaps we could take a break from it while I compose myself. I don’t think I could handle another.”

“Of course. We only have one song between each meal course. You should have plenty of time to regain all of your senses before the next performance.”

“Exactly how many courses are in this meal?”

“Fourteen.”

“Fourteen!?”, I exclaimed.

“Don’t worry ambassador, the portions are very small. The main focus of this celebration is song.”

“Of course it is.”, I said to myself.



2



The reality of my situation had become clear to me at this point. The father of the woman that I was dating, Steven Graham, had just been promoted to the rank of Ambassador General. In effect this man had become my boss.

“Dylan, I have a wonderful new opportunity for you. If you are to marry my daughter, it is in my best interest to make sure that you move up through the ranks of the diplomatic corps. With that being said, I have assigned you to Bellatrox Station. There are seventeen ambassador’s from the surrounding area stationed there. Perhaps you could spread Earth’s goodwill.”, A.G. Graham explained. “I have already set up a meeting with the Deluvian Empire. It is during their celebration of Nanjing, so mistakes are not an option. You leave tomorrow.”

“Thank you sir!”, I unwittingly replied. “I will do my best to make you and Earth Alliance proud.”

“I would expect nothing less.”



3



Eight courses (and eight “songs”) later, I sat with tears streaming down my face. The migraine that afflicted me threatened to make my head pop like a balloon. Ambassador Kwarg grew ever happier with my reactions.

“I am in awe of how much you enjoy our culture ambassador. I remember as a child crying to that song as well. Perhaps the next course will settle your nerves a bit.”, said Ambassador Kwarg.

Just then a Delluvian waitress sat a drink in front of me contained in what seemed to be a stone cup. The red liquid was bubbling and steaming.

“This is a delicacy on our planet. It has an intoxicating effect. Take care not to drink too much at once.”

If the song’s don’t kill me, the drink will. I thought to myself as I began sipping the otherworldly concoction. Within an instant my migraine was gone, but so was the ability to move any of my extremities.



4



When I regained consciousness the festivities seemed to be over. Many a Deluvian lay passed out on the floor or on the tables. Ambassador Kwarg, clearly inebriated, said with a slur, “Did you enjoy the celebration Ambassador?”.

“It was much different than I expected.”, I replied.

“I think a species who can walk away from the celebration of Nanjing deserves great consideration.”

“How do you mean?”

“Before your arrival, I made it a point to research your Earth Alliance. I found that you are currently seeking gold and silver for electronics and other various purposes. Unlike Earth, these elements are common in Deluvian space. On the other hand, iron ore is very hard to come by in this part of space”, he said with a drunken smile.

“Are you proposing a trade deal ambassador?”

“Perhaps, if we can agree on the mathematics.”

“Of course! We should start on this right away!”, I replied as I fell clumsily from my chair.

“In the morning, my dear ambassador. I think we would be in a better frame of mind.”

“Alright, I’ll contact my superiors as soon as I return to my quarters.”

“Wonderful!”, he replied as he pulled himself wearily from his chair. “ I shall expect a visit from your delegation tomorrow.”

He bowed thoughtfully and made his way from the room. I followed, slower and more weary.



5



I arrived at my room some minutes later and proceeded with the promised transmission forgetting the time difference of Bellatrox Station and Earth. It occurred to me as soon as A.G. Graham answered in his bedclothes.

“Forgive me sir,”, I started. “But I have wonderful news.”

“Dylan, are you drunk?”

“Yes sir! It was a part of the ceremony sir.”

“This of course is going in your permanent record. How can you expect to represent the Earth Alliance when you present yourself as a drunken lout!?”

“Sir, the Delluvian Empire wishes to make a trade agreement. Silver and Gold, for iron ore of all things!”

“I see… and when did you tell the ambassador discussions would begin?”, he asked.

“Tomorrow sir, he expects a delegation to formally open negotiations.”

“Well, I can’t exactly send a drunken lout to negotiate. I’ll send one of your colleagues. Anyway, I’ve set up a meeting for you tomorrow afternoon with the Fissgog. You should enjoy yourself.”

With that the screen went blank. Perhaps this won’t be as bad as the Delluvian debacle, or perhaps I should throw my self out of the airlock now.