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Review Style
Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.
I'm good at...
...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.
Favorite Genres
Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.
Least Favorite Genres
Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.
Favorite Item Types
Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic
Least Favorite Item Types
Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.
I will not review...
Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

Oh, Jyo *Delight*! What a thing to commune with *Laugh* Thanks so much for another ace entry in Night 6's challenge in "Invalid Item *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
“Uh-huh” It was apparent that a reasonable attitude would take me further than an upraised broom.
I know I've mentioned this to you before, but I do so love your gentle, subtle humour. The whole notion of 'reasonableness' in such odd circumstances, coupled with the fantastic saying/image is delightful. I'm reading with a smile on my face, and that kind of comedy is a favourite of mine *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
“Eeww…how disgusting,” I thought. it can be effective to use italics to indicate thought, rather than quotation marks. The cockroach answers with the same word and you might want to vary your vocabulary there, and with the repeated use of shuffled. Flash fiction is so short that repetition is, somehow, more noticeable.

At a later date, you may want to check your punctuation in dialogue, but for the purpose of a quick turn-a-round flash fiction, this isn't a major concern *Smile*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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402
402
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Isn't it marvellous how effective memory is when associated with smells *Delight*? This warm tribute to such an important family member is fitting. It is a touching essay which never goes overboard into the realms of over sentimentality, but comes across as powerfully honest and moving.

What are my favourite parts?
You may find it hardly surprising to note that I was, as ever, blown away by the fabulous, vivid imagery throughout your narrative.

What are my suggestions?
He was tall, a shade over six feet tall; for his generation in particular, and for Indians in general[,] that made him stand out physically in any gathering.
it is clear you are talking about his height.

All the vegetables he deemed too ‘chewy’ for his gums would be deposited in the next plate, extra helpings without pleading for it.

and,
The desk had two glass jars atop it, memory plays strange tricks as the years pass by and these loom large in my mind whenever I remember him.
Do they need semicolons rather than commas? I always think of semicolons as working just that little bit harder to become a period than a comma . Okay, so I'm not the best at punctuation, but I think of them as joining two independent thoughts in a sentence. You may want to ask someone with a bit more technical knowledge!

a special pristine white with gold edges
commas are great for separating items in lists.

I can see him when I smell sandalwood and taste those biscuits when I remember him.
this felt a little like it was the 'wrong way round'. How about:
I can see him when I smell sandalwood and I remember him when I taste those biscuits.


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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403
403
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Thanks for entering Night 5 of "Invalid Item Oh, boy, your narrator chooses the best kind of companions *Blush* This is a fun write stars as a comedy when you mix two sayings: 'searching for inspiration' and 'being careful what you wish for'. It goes on to become a lovely modern fairy tale with a moral at the end of the story. Fab *Bigsmile*

What are my favourite parts?
Oh, your ending really is magical. Lovely story telling dead on 500 words! Ace *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Your animal genre choice is apt, could change the others to 'comedy' and 'fantasy' *Rolleyes*

Everything flowed so well and was full of vivid imagery. Only one line seemed a little awkward, but that might just be me:
The path led to a river that I had soaked my feet in dreaming of mermaids and talking seahorses.
The path led to a river where I would soak my feet, while dreaming of mermaids and talking seahorses.


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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404
404
Review of Pond Panic  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

Strong opening, Audra. I love the cynical humour which drives your introduction (" I wonder if we think we are more interesting if we are filled with misery"). Good use of the prompt, and just so you know: I had an Enid Blyton childhood full of laughter, adventure and lashings of ginger beer *Thumbsup*. I think you might be me. Not in a scary dopple-ganger way, but in a "yingy-yangy/hang on a minute...?" kind of way. I wrote this (erm, badly, but bless, that's me), last year:
"Invalid Item

What are my favourite parts?
My favourite part is also the thing which made me think 'oh, it's gone somewhere else...'. You start with a strong editorial opinion voice which could lead to an article type item, and then, with an artists eye for narrative detail you write a story of summer, children and siblings. You really brought me into the memory, and that was the point, but it might have been interesting to see how you could have pursued your opening just as objectively. If you do ever consider working on this beyond the challenge, perhaps you might want to get rid of that opening all together and concentrate on the family theme you wove into your story telling *Smile*

What are my suggestions?
we made a pack not to tell mom and dad
pact

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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405
405
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

I think writing for children is possibly one of the hardest things to do; let's be honest, they are nothing if not honest critics! *Smile* I was drawn to this poem because I loved the nod to nonsense in the alliterated title. Your brief description worked well to hook me too.

What are my favourite parts?
I loved the way you turned nature's warning signs into something more obvious to a child's way of thinking and saw the colours like traffic lights - the joy of seeing nature from a child's perspective really shone through *Smile*

What are my suggestions?
I think if you ever look to re-edit, this poem would benefit from some attention to establishing a set rhythm. Kids love the pattern of beats created by a regular meter. Your imagery and rhyme patterns are already there *Thumbsup*

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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406
406
Review of Ballade of Sorrow  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
I'm a sucker for a bit of iambic pentameter *Wink* This is ballade is well put together in terms of structure, but I did find the use of 'old-fashioned' wording a little to heavy places; sometimes to the detriment of your narrative and rendering some parts of the poem a little too melodramatic for my personal taste, eg, why write "Writ on the tattered remnants of my heart." when you could write 'wrote'? I guess I'm just not a fan of archaic past participles... *Rolleyes*

Favourite Parts
The form is lovely and your thoughtful author's note is most instructive. This is a form I will be trying out myself *Thumbsup*

Suggestions
Only my personal preference for more modern word usage, which spoiled my enjoyment a little.

Write on and take care!
407
407
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*Star* Acme Review *Star*

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
You do a great job of revealing your characters through their dialogue. Have you ever tried billwilcox's Dialogue 500? If not, you should give it a shot, because it certainly seems a strong point.

Favourite Parts
“What’s wrong, mommy?”
“Nothing for you to worry about, sweetie,” mom said, reaching out to smooth her hair. “It’s just that Grandma May is very sick and mommy may have to go and help her out for a couple of days.”
“Is SpongeBob on yet?”
- realistic. This dialogue shows the utter faith of children to take a mother's words as rule: from concern to SpongeBob in one 'don't worry'. There are little touches of realism peppering this story and each added weight to your words and authenticity to your narrative. Ace *smlie*

Suggestions
She turned back toward the TV as she heard Dad say, “Well, I’ve got to go . . .”
Because you've indicated that grandma is ill, this looks as if dad is saying he's got to go... and be by her side. It was only later I realised he was excusing himself from the story. You may want to make this statement clearer, eg:
She turned back toward the TV as she heard Dad say, “Honey, I wish I could be with you, but you know I’m out of town with the investors until . . .”
That one snippet of information negates the necessity of explaining why Teresa can't stay with daddy too.

I get the feeling the story isn't quite finished. While you furnish us with a lot of plot lines starting, there is no real satisfaction of seeing any of them tied up, making this more of a character sketch than a story.

Write on and take care!
408
408
Review of Yoda Remembers  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Oh, Bill, it is always a pleasure to read your dialogue. Thanks for submitting this one in "Invalid Item You had me from the moment the mother spoke. It's just one of those voices which come alive with a universal accent. The concept of Yoda's parentage was perfect. The comedy has some lovely slapstick moments, with a sprinkling of Monty Python silliness. Making Yoda the 'straight' guy was a great choice which worked well.

What are my favourite parts?
“Understand your kind, I do. Take after your father, that’s what. Just like him you are, yes?”
You can actually make this sound like a normal Yorkshire housewife on this side of the pond; made even more apt by a cracking name choice for her *Delight*

What are my suggestions?
My old grammar teacher makes me acknowledge the following 1:
Yoda’s mother was one damn hostile Jedi. And she was the very first to discover the Dark Side of the Force....
A conjunction shouldn't start a sentence if you can avoid it, and ellipses move around in threes.

You’re suppose[d] to be kind and understanding


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Footnotes
1  yes, I am this dated, so please feel free to ignore in the face of more modern knowledge and possible trans-Atlantic differences

409
409
Review of Metaphorical Stew  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

OMG! This is hilarious stuff *Delight* Thank you so much for entering it into "Invalid Item. I used to go through 'passed paper' here in the UK, but strangely enough it was the science ones which tickled my funny bones:
Q. Why do birds not get electrocuted when the alight on high voltage wires?
A. Because they have little rubber feet.

This funny collection of metaphors and similes did more than make me smile: it made me wince. There is nothing more amusing than someone else's humourous imagery. This beautiful comedy piece made me laugh out loud and scare the kids. Thanks!

What are my favourite parts?
I don't really need to add any comment, whatsoever, to the following excerpt:
He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like the guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with the pinhole in it.

What are my suggestions?
Oh, Jace... don't be silly. Write on!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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410
410
Review of Dancers Never Die  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

I loved this picture prompt, Audra, and think you have done it justice. It's weird, but it was about a year ago that I wrote a sonnet about what happens to dancers who get too old to perform... and is long due a revision... I'll go there after this! Oh, are you me? *Confused* *gulps, shakes of nervous feeling and gets on with things...*

Thanks for entering the Night 2 challenge in "Invalid Item *Smile* This is a lovely romantic take on the prompt. I guess it's all about whether you think the glass is half full, or half empty. I thought it looked like the woman was running away, but you managed to turn that image into and active expression of dance. In fact, you made this poem a very raw examination of art for arts sake.

What are my favourite parts?
Great hook, strong narrative/character development in the middle and a beautifully romantic ending worthy of an encore - ace *Smile*

What are my suggestions?
I know this is simple rhyming couplet, but at times you managed to build up a lovely rhythm in your first line's meter which you lost a little in the second lines.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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411
411
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Thanks for entering Night 1 of "Invalid Item *Delight* I have to say, it has been a long time since I have been so moved by a story. I felt the narrative as if I were in the scene and experiencing these things. Thank you for sharing this story, Audra - I'm going to pick my jaw off the floor, make a coffee and try to finish this review with a little more perspective and a little less shell shock...

What are my favourite parts?
Really good use of metaphor and simile, but the best section was my ability to share both the shock and shared dark humour of finding the neighbour's horse on the previously horseless farm. It jolted me into the strange reality of calm after the storm as well as providing some lovely character insight to your father - brilliant! *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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412
412
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
You're a genius, Liz *Delight* Seize the day? You seized my imagination with this excellent, look at a many-meaning filled tool. I loved the added personal touches, as you explored links to the past and present in this essay. Well written, with no suggestions for improvement. Write On!
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413
413
Review of The Speech  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Member to Member Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

I was in the mood for a horror read, but thought I better distill the pleasure with a poem. I think the rhyming couplet structure works well *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
Although it left me twitching and painfully did contort,
Now it's nearly over, the spasms hellish sport.
your language choices really helped set the dark tone, which tinged the narrative - ace!

What are my suggestions?
There were just a few couplets where the rhythm seemed to falter. Have friend read them out loud and spot the places where they find it difficult to sit the words in the meter.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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414
414
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

I felt compelled to read this poem, because I like to see how writer tackle new areas of the writing. Using an AABB quatrain form is a great way to explore rhyming poetry, and although you haven't followed a syllabic scheme, this poem does have a natural rhythm.

What are my favourite parts?
I loved the feel good factor to this poem. Narrative poetry is not always an easy thing to accomplish well, but here you have a definite beginning, middle and end. The humour of this children's poem is good too.

What are my suggestions?
None. Simply good fun and please Write on!

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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415
415
Review of I Miss  
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

Grandparents can be such huge influences in our life and this poem is a fine tribute to your grandma *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
I miss how, just when I thought I knew all there was to know about you,
I would learn something new
Simply lovely *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
I miss your hair, white and fluffy as clouds
I miss your bright smile, contagious as the common cold
although these similes certainly added weight to your meaning, I thought them to be wildly different in tone. 'Contagious as the common cold' is clever, and expresses your meaning well, but is not in the same loving tone as the rest of your poem.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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416
416
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

This poem is about one of my favourite paintings and started my fascination and love with American art and literature, so there was no way in the world I could avoid visiting!

What are my favourite parts?
You really do well to capture the character of your narrator, and I could easily assimilate his 'voice' to the character in the picture. I particularly liked:
Dirty dishes (sinkfuls of 'em),
A leaky ceiling (buckets on the floor),
And broken seats (spring poking your rear)...


What are my suggestions?
Who accompany them in faded top hats.
faded fedoras would be more accurate and create good alliteration.

Yet for all their fancy parties,
Cocktail hours and dances,
For all their expensive cars,
Rolls-Royces and Cadillacs,
A little unlikely to the scene as this is a portrait of a country on its way out of the Depression era. Hopper painted it shortly after Pearl Harbour and there is an air of desperation about this Greenwich Village parlour.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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417
417
Review by Acme
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item

What are my overall impressions?

A while back larryp ran a contest where the prompt was 'Seldom Spoke In Sonnets'. I know this isn't a sonnet, but you have certainly approached a subject seldom wrote by poets. This unique POV is well developed in this poem and I can see why you received a podium finish for it *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
Your arms whine
As you gradually pull back the string,
But you ignore their burning pleas for rest.
lovely personification and strong imagery are some of the well used poetic devices in this item *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
No suggestions for improvement.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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418
418
Review of Character Sketch  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

Character sketches are good practice in developing well-rounded characters for use in story-lines. The strange thing about this sketch is that I get more of an indication of the type of character the Coach is, rather than Allen.

What are my favourite parts?
Your humour shines through your dialogue, which is smooth and believable.

What are my suggestions?
Even though this is a character sketch (presumable something to be used within another item?), you can still encourage readers by using your item type and genre fields.

his asthma may him incapable of playing
made

As he grew older Allen grew a love for sports.
Allen's love for sports grew

and said, “[sonSon,] I do believe the cheerleading squad is over there.”

Allen go[t] leveled big time


There are a number of dialogue starts which don't use a capital letter to begin them and you should edit them in.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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419
419
Review of November, 1518  
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item *Smile*
This compelling read gave me shivers of excitement. Your knowledge of Henry's history is evident, as are key details of Katherine (Caught in one simple sentence, I loved the acknowledgment of her understanding of military campaigns, which she would have been only too privy to in her native upbringing *Thumbsup*)

What are my favourite parts?
And now that another birth was near, the queen had settled into a familiar routine of soaring hope and black despair as she waited to see if the pain and worry were worth it all.
you manage to capture the desperate necessity of a queen to birth a male heir in this intimate portrayal of Katherine

Also, this is a tale which really could alter the history of an entire nation, and possible crush religious reformation on a global scale (could the Pilgrim fathers have set sail from England were still fully Catholic?) Thought provoking stuff!

What are my suggestions?
You have not 'turned off' your italicised text after one of your character's thoughts.

Because many readers read direct from the screen, you should use double return spacing between paragraphs and dialogue.

Proof read for 'impossible history':
caught in the cross-hairs as these

cross-hairs are gun sights and not associated with this period of British history.


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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420
420
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?

Thank you for entering "Invalid Item *Smile*
First, I have to thank you for using one of the best site tools there is: the Edit Point System encourages technical reviewing and I will add any points which I notice to those and keep this a general review *Thumbsup*. I loved your story telling *Thumbsup* The plot is well executed and left me wanting more. This would make a good basis for a longer item.

What are my favourite parts?
The professor's summation of really got me exploring the alternate history you put forward. A real 'What if...' *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Please see your edit points for technical suggestions.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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421
421
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
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#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

If a poem, or any literal work, can make me excitedly think of another then I feel ace. I know some folks don't think that way, but I'm a bit of a "literature DJ", and like to think what other piece would sit well either side of the one I've read. If you can be bothered to make out the murky British accent in the Tindersticks song, 'my sister', then please take the time to struggle with the following link. Your poem's use of child-like narrative really resonated with me and reminded me of the 'stream of consciousness' thought which sometimes only children can be masters of:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gcPr_IvfZyY

What are my favourite parts?
The wisdom of the final stanza is such a perfect closing and hopeful resolution for those involved - very well written *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
This poem is not 'literal musings', please re-consider the title to incorporate the cyclical narrative, and call it 'walking on egg-shells'? Why? Because "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet... but would you really stop to sniff a 's*** flower'"? In other words, as Shakespeare pointed out *Blush*, readers 'click' on the title and the brief description, so make them potent and carry the hook with them *Thumbsup*

four year old brings
- I'm not sure about the wonderful world of hyphenated text, but I'm vaguely aware of incorporating them in to year-olds (you may want to check that suggestion out)


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review of The Voices Won  
Review by Acme
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

Like Star Trek, there are fans and there are fans of poetry. I'm a fan. One of those who will never quite make it to space, unless there is a launch pad for buck-toothed, rotund-waisted, wannabe, dreamers. Poetry is like that for me; I'm a huge fan of what poets do, but not necessarily very good at it myself (except for sonnets, which I am plugging here in this review, because, next to Shakespeare, I'm the dogs at those *Wink*). However, "to thine own self be true", and while I can enjoy, and admire the power of such emotionally driven poetry, I feel I can only connect to its content through wordsmiths like yourself.

I love (so you might like) Stevie Smith. Here's a link to one of her most famous poems, which, even if you do know, is never a bad thing to read again *Smile*:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/arts/poetry/outloud/smith.sht...

Okay, so you're a 'dark' poet, and I'm the 'anti-dark', but I sure enjoyed this honest, non-sensationalist, Free Verse poem, which stuck a cord with me as a human being. Good use of poetic language and the freedom the lack of structure gave you was handled very well *Thumbsup*

What are my favourite parts?
Stumbling embrace of mother and daughter,
gut wrenching fear and numbness,
helplessness and hopelessness,
collide in a tangle of despair.
Beautiful language, imagery, narrative development, assonance, insight, metaphor... etc, I could go on, but the bottom line is this part of the poem dragged me kicking and screaming into the poet's mindset; I became putty in your hands from this moment forth - completely, emotionally, at your mercy as a reader. Excellent writing *Thumbsup*

Talking of which, I very rarely pick out more than one shining moment of powerful poetry, but I feel this stand-alone stanza deserves highlighting:
Blood spills freely,
knife lays glaringly aside.
Why? Well, because it is very rare for me to find a poem with a strong beginning, middle and end, and this pivotal mid-section hit me with as much force as your stunning opening and jaw dropping finale. Personification of the weapon is such a simple tool, but one used to the best advantage of the poem - stunning.

What are my suggestions?
“No no,” voices sing.
'No. No', or 'No-no'?

from the teenage neck
the long hallway
Think 'condensed' and look at every word as something which should earn its keep in your poem - do you really need the 'the's?

You might need a more dialogue friendly reviewer, but I've always seen 'thought' as a way something is said (so the comma and lowercase work well here), and the 'fear tickles...' is an action tag, so the full-stop in the question mark should be acknowledged, and the following 'fear' should be capitalised:
“Horrific halloween prank?”
first thought at the sight.
Unworldly mind cannot comprehend.
Absently ironing for this cannot be.
“What am I seeing?” fear tickles at her brain.


“Jim, Jim, quick!!”
I'm with my hubby on this bug-bear: one end line punctuation per line. Don't over-egg the pudding. Exclamation is exclamation, so there is no need to underline it to the reader. Also, the following line needs to be capitalised.

sensing calmn she must bring
sp

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

I smiled through out reading this poem and it showed good use of the Comedy All Sorts 'Sports' prompt. Team affiliation makes its own comedy, and I like how you got the cheering and jeering of friendly competition into the action of the game *Smile*

What are my suggestions?
Odd, but the 'whoop' distracted me. Perhaps 'Whup'?

There are a couple of places where a comma wouldn't go amiss, eg:
Our team scores[,] hear the cheering


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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424
424
Review by Acme
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! *Smile*


What are my overall impressions?

This autobiographical essay makes for enjoyable reading *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
I love the fact that your comedy is not self-depreciating; it is much more cleverly executed by observing the humourous traits of you personality *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
Oh, and I don’t even want all that much, my friends
The use of 'my friends' distracted me and made the 'monologue' feel a little obvious (as if I were being talked at). I think this piece works well when you lay it out for the reader to accept your words as they are: your use of contractions and conversational language create an informal and intimate item, so you don't need to jolt the reader into a false relationship with your narrative.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*
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Review of Eden Now  
Review by Acme
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Star* An Acme Review *Star*

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond  (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn



What are my overall impressions?

I found this a well written sci-fi piece and thoroughly enjoyed the narrative tone through out. There are a few areas which could use a fresh pair of eyes in an edit to polish to perfection *Smile*

What are my favourite parts?
She takes my hand, and pulls me gently toward her. I can smell her perfume, and my mind dissects it, breaking it down to the different ingredients, down to the compounds and the separate chemical elements, down to the individual molecules... and I count them all within milliseconds. Ah, love.
- wonderful writing. I love the poetic language mixed with the technical. It works really well in delivering an insight into the narrator and creates intimacy in the scene for the reader to respond to *Thumbsup*

What are my suggestions?
I attempted to appear natural and confident, ... normal, if you will
choose one form of punctuation here and here:
was the same old, ...the same
Both the comma and the ellipsis work individually, but not together.

*Star* Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care *Star*

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