Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

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#2886386

Review of Follow me to hell.

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, this is dark and the form is well done. I like Mochinelle because of the six syllable count throughout. You stick to this well and the 3rd and 5th line rhymes are solid too.

What are my favourite parts?
The structure of this poem works really well because of the common refrain of the first line. You have picked well worded line for that refrain which compliments the dark content of your poem

What are my suggestions?

** #1397116 Not An Image **

Check your images are up to date.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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377

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#2881647

Review of Leaving

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
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Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
Powerful emotions capture the state of mind of your protagonist in only a few words. Writing exercises like this are a great way to train your writing skills and you might want to think of entering a couple of contests that give daily prompts to work with:
"The Writer's Cramp"

"Daily Flash Fiction Challenge"

What are my favourite parts?
This made me want to know more about your narrator's character and story. I wanted to see where she went, what she did next and a whole heap of other questions that drew my interest. I do hope you consider writing more, even though this was just an exercise

What are my suggestions?
As it is a writing exercise I won't make any technical suggestions; I think it stands well as it is and is a great little first piece to post here at WDC

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2880165

Review of Routine

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
You did not hit the form for this round of Pond Poetry (10 lines). You did clearly demonstrate the picture prompt.

What are my favourite parts?

My mornings are routine
I'm an everyday teen
I then put on my face
My pain is now erased

You captured the essence of masks well here

What are my suggestions?
While it is great that you have enjoyed creating this poem and the end result, you might want to tailor your brief description to tell a prospective reader about the poem.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2880134

Review of Ben

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This review is part of
WDC Power Raid And Chat Forum (E)
Join our group to help. :-)
#1388251 by Maryann

What are my overall impressions?
This is well written with a good twist in the tale. I don't know if there are any restrictions on length, but two contests sprang to mind as I read this. Arakun the Twisted Raccoon

's Twisted Tales, and Mavis Moog

Great Stories Contest. If this story does fit their rules, and you haven't done so already, I suggest you enter this story.

What are my favourite parts?
I really got drawn into your protagonist's world. You did a great job of detailing the events without getting too caught up in the 'telling'.

What are my suggestions?

Shifting my weight enough to take [away?] the sharp rock from under my right hip, I wondered how I came to be in this predicament.

Now they couldn’t trace it to me by my fingerprints, if they found it at all. [new para] I really wanted a smoke, but couldn’t take the chance that the cops might see my lit cigarette and find my hiding place.

No wonder he was hurt so badly! The dumb ass had cut the ground wire first! He was lucky to be alive at all!

Using too many exclamation marks lessens their impact and can seem a little hysterical.

My coffee was cold, so I got up to warm it. I should go and see him, I thought, but I can’t bear to look at him, knowing I could have prevented his injury.

you can distinguish thought by using italicized text.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2879323

Review of Masks

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Good use of the picture prompt and you fulfilled the requirements of the form.

What are my favourite parts?
You set a dark tone well as you explored the theme of 'masks'

What are my suggestions?
While your brief description tells passing, would-be readers why you have written this poem, it doesn't give any insight into the content of the poem.

Run a spell check over the item:

A life, lived behing a painted smile

Longing to leave the stage for [the] real world

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2879319

Review of Face off…

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
You used both the form and the prompt well in this poem about masks. I really enjoyed reading your poem

What are my favourite parts?
The repetition of 'wonder...' was a good device in setting a thoughtful tone and pace. It also drew me into the narrator's mind set.

What are my suggestions?
None - write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2879311

Review of Mask

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
I thought you used the freedom of the form and the image in the prompt very well in this poem.

What are my favourite parts?
I particularly used the introspective narrator's 'voice' in this poem. A thoughtful and haunting poem.

What are my suggestions?
You might find you get more visitors to this item if you edit to reflect the item type and genre choices (I know you have chosen 'personal', but you may as well use all three).

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2879310

Review of FACES AND FEET--a decastitch

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
When I saw your entry in Pond Poetry, I did wonder if the fact that the only requirement was 10 lines, that you might use a loose meter in your form. I think there are those of us, like me, who find a greater freedom in using rhyme and meter, and that you might share this preference too. This poem expresses the prompt well and was a pleasure to read.

What are my favourite parts?
I loved the comparison between the sexes. If only it were that easy! You explore these themes well and deliver a thoughtful poem

What are my suggestions?

Is not a big a hazard.

no matter how hard I try to get 6 syllables here, I still end up with 7

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2879281

Review of GANDHI

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Your poem serves the prompt well, even with the reference to the original prompt this piece was written for.

What are my favourite parts?
Your narrative poem carries a real weight of history, with a tone and delivery which echo the respect this most inspiring man was worthy of. I always admire your use of form, and as usual, this simple a-b-c-b quatrain with stated syllabic scheme is well executed.

What are my suggestions?
Other than stating the item type as 'poetry', utilizing the three genre fields might supply you with a bigger readership for this poem.

Other than that, my only suggestions concentrate on the meaning carried by your word choices.

He was a barrister but
Espoused the cause of those,
Oppressed and downtrodden, who
Against the British, rose.

the use of the word 'but' makes the fact he was a barrister look a little 'bad' here. Almost like, 'He was a barrister, but helped the oppressed anyway'. Changing the word to 'who' would still retain the meaning you want to create, without bucking the syllabic scheme.

Churchill might have said about
Him in a mood unkind
‘He has all the virtues, in
Him vice I cannot find’

I realise the original quote won't fit the syllables, but this edited version is not 'unkind', like both the original and this stanza would indicate.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2874272

Review of Just-In-TIme-Jitesh

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
erm, well, this is awkward

Congratulations on BEATING ME TO AN AUTHORY PULP with this fabulous short story in Beyond the Waters edge

No, seriously, Jyo, I can see why this won. This is a great little story which uses the prompts exceptionally well

Favourite Parts
I don't normally like to post huge wads of text in a review, but this particular excerpt is on of the reasons I'm a fan of your writing:
I lazed for one more moment in bed; I could visualize my grand-father at his rituals. He would be bare-chested, the sacred ash fragrant and pearly-white against his brown skin. His fringe of hair would be encrusted in a halo of curls at the back of his nearly-bald head. The hair was so white it could have been used to advertise his soap. His eyes would be closed as he recited the Sanskrit prayers; I could tell the time by the words I could hear.
What an amazing visual, and terrific character development of both the grandfather and the narrator! Smashing imagery, good use of language and lovely observations on time; measuring how long a 'lie-in' can be weighted against having to rise, without using a clock. Superb writing, and an absolute pleasure to read.

Suggestions
None - Write on!

Write on and take care!

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#2873341

Review of Hurling Through Life Unmoved

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
A good Free Verse poem and an inspiring read. There is room to improve language use, but that shouldn't take a talented poet like yourself long to work on.

Favourite Parts

We’re caught between the speeding wind and loneliness,
yearning for connections, too stubborn to commit.

Thought provoking and insightful stuff

Suggestions
While I understand your choice to make the poem's text bold, as a visual enhancement, it becomes a little overwhelming, and redundant, when continued in the author's note, and original poem.

I thought there were a few places where you could have widened your vocabulary and tightened text. One such place was the repetition of 'we yearn' twice, with 'yearning' used too.

Write on and take care!

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#2870405

Review of The Skagit River Visit

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
This story carries a thought-provoking message: never underestimate Mother Nature. Even in idyllic surroundings danger can be present, and this is a memory which will stick with you and the grandkids for sometime to come.

Favourite Parts
The 'action' of this story is very well done. Your pace reflected the events which happened well

Suggestions
Your title seemed to 'shout' at me. Use capitals at the star of your words, but not throughout.

They arrived on Wednesday, August 6 th.

space typo after number 6

I had a nice turkey roast in the oven for them.

Look at places where you can widen your vocabulary with more creative/image filled/descriptive narrative. What was nice about it: the colour, the smell, the plumpness, the sizzle?

Write on and take care!

388

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#2870390

Review of Shadows of Darkness

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
A good poem which explores the central theme and idea well.

Favourite Parts

Though my painted smile
greets you each morning,
I weep tears of loneliness.

You capture that feeling of wearing 'masks' wonderfully in this poem. I am sure every reader will be able to relate to your words

Suggestions
I suggest you make the most of the genre fields available, to advertise this poem to a wider audience on WDC

Write on and take care!

389

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#2870373

Review of Memories

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
A beautiful and poignant trip down memory lane

I thoroughly lost myself in your superb imagery. While you have a cracking grasp of punctuation, there are some areas where I felt a little lost in your construction.

Favourite Parts

we younger kids would gather around the freezer, each of us noisily insisting it was our turn to lick the paddles. We were especially anxious when juicy, tree-ripened peaches were added to the mix.

wow! Ace imagery which engaged my senses

Now I'm hungry ...

Suggestions

Slowly[,] I wandered past centuries-old, sandstone markers, their chiseled names and dates long weathered away.

pop a comma after an interjection, eg, (well, oh, meanwhile, suddenly, of course, etc.)

How many times as a child I’d watched six burly farmers struggle, straining and panting, to carry the casket of a neighbor up those stairs.

I may not have really understood your narrative voice here, as I was unsure if you were questioning or stating. If this is not a question, then I suggest you look for an alternative to 'how', in the sense you seem to have employed it here.

The plain interior of the building - always smelling of Old English Furniture Polish - had white walls with dark wooden altar, wainscoting, pews and floors.

If you have subordinate clause as additional information in the middle of a sentence, then use a comma on each end of it. If the additional information is unrelated to the main sentence, use parentheses. If you can restate the sentence with the middle bit missing, and it still means the same thing, then you know it needs commas. If it doesn't mean the same thing, then it shouldn't have commas.

Remembering my three-year-old self, sitting in the corner of the front pew - my mother playing piano, my father leading the singing - swinging my legs and periodically shouting 'Amen' just like I'd heard the grownups do.

there is no real 'end' to this sentence. A sentence should reflect a complete thought.

Write on and take care!

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#2870325

Review of Thoughts In The Night! 2 The Garden

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
A lovely testament to faith and spirituality. There are some areas where you could edit to make the piece flow a little better (predominately 'tense' issues), but overall this was an enjoyable read.

Favourite Parts

Flowers of all kinds fill the air with their sweet aroma. I deeply drink in the fragrances,

gentle alliteration adds a beautiful touch to your narrative description

Suggestions
While the blue coloured text is pleasing to the eye, it is never a good idea to use italicised text throughout.

You move between past and present tense quite often, and this can prove to be distracting. Try sticking to one tense throughout.

Only noticed one typo:

" Will you come away{/}

spacing typo after quotation marks.

Write on and take care!

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#2865938

Review of The Lone Survivor

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

I really don't know why I read scary stuff. It's rather thrilling, and is supposed to be a controlled way of experiencing fear, like a roller-coaster ride, but, seriously: it freaks me out!

I love your stuff, Bill. Olympics will be here next, and I'm sure there will be a small, Dr Who led, section of my psyche gulping with wonder and sneaking peeks at the sky above the stadium. Good sci-fi should give me a whole lot of literature and this sure does: I love the way that I can suspend my belief while making huge leaps forward in my imagination. Ultimately, those bells and whistles of Spider-sliders and phone-vids add to the action, but my main focus remains trained on the examination and understanding our humanity. I read this three times while looking for typos/areas for constructive critique etc. Nope! I kept getting drawn back into your story and the compelling action.

Thanks for the free entertainment. Writes like this remind me how lucky I am to be able to access these kinds of stories without a wallet, or a library card!

Write on and take care,
Acme
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#2858507

Review of The Falls

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
This short story does exactly what it says in the brief description. It shows the lengths one woman will go to to get her man!

What are my favourite parts?
Oh, this is a lovely vignette of a bad guy getting what the want. I love it when authors play about with preconceptions in writing and this is done well. You might enjoy entering it in to Arakun the Twisted Raccoon

's twisted tales contest

What are my suggestions?
It is always worth going back to items to 'sell' them better to prospective readers. Using your item type and genre fields to their full advantage will build on your good use of the brief description field. I suggest, 'nature' and 'relationship' could be added to 'horror/scary'.

They’d just recently lost their mother and his fiancé in a tragic car crash.

their mother is a man with a fiance? Clarify to avoid distraction.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2856918

Review of last summer

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (2.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
A thoughtful poem, but not an example of Clarity Pyramid form, which was the required form in the contest.

What are my favourite parts?
Use of the picture came through clearly.

What are my suggestions?
For information on Forms, including the one required by the contest, please see:
"A Poet's Tool Box"

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2856899

Review of DAD

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (2.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Dear Mudita, while this is a moving poem with some lovely language used to evoke emotion, you have not used the syllabic form stated in your author's note and so this is not an example of Clarity Pyramid as stated.

What are my favourite parts?
lovely metaphor, simile and vivid imagery

What are my suggestions?
A syllable is a 'beat' or 'part' of a word. In English it takes one vowel, or 'Y', and at least one consonant to make a syllable, eg,
Syll - ab - le = three syllables.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2856889

Review of Perfect

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for highlighting your construction of Clarity Pyramid as Variation 2. You'd be surprised how little clarity there can be sometimes

! This is a good example of non-syllabic clarity pyramid.

What are my favourite parts?
The cynicism of 'perfect' reflected against such a beautiful backdrop of the picture prompt and that closing line was brilliantly executed. Very well written

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2855806

Review of Ancient History & Modern Leadership

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Round 9

The relevance of ancient History to contemporary Leadership{/}

Wow. You certainly set out to explore a HUGE theme in this essay. I think this could be a very good essay, but you need to take time to develop your ideas to their best advantage and present your argument in the best possible light.

What are my favourite parts?
Having recently finished a course exploring modern leadership skills, I found this a fascinating premise for an essay and think you could have several markets in business magazines if you favoured it as an article, rather than an essay.

What are my suggestions?

To me[, as it would be for like-minded people,] History is as much about future as it is about the past.
no need to state the obvious.

every human , every animal has a

spacing typo before comma.

We owe as much to to the inventors of the humble bullock-cart as we owe to the inventors of the automobile.
We owe as much to the inventors of the 'Abacus' as we owe to the inventors of the computer.

avoid repetition if making the same point, eg,

We owe as much to to the inventors of the humble bullock-cart and the abacus, as we owe to the inventors of the automobile and computer.

While the introduction does a good job of getting your personal opinions about history as a 'good thing' across, it doesn't really prepare the reader as an introduction about how you intend to show the relevance of ancient History to contemporary Leadership. Perhaps if you changed your examples from carts and abacuses and look at some famous historical leader and the modern counterparts? History may have come a long way from the dictatorial seat of Empires, but we still have modern day dictators. As you choose to then explore a number of 'lessons' these 'leader' examples would make a better introduction for you to base the rest of your arguments on.

to 'Napolean', History is replete with storie

check spelling throughout.

ecessitates the use of SWOT analysis

Strengths, Weaknesses, Oranges and Tangerines... I'm guessing I've got it wrong. My point is this: always explain the full meaning of any acronym you will refer to in an essay.

Tsung at the age of 13 i

sure, key dates are best left in number form, but try to get in the habit of using number text, rather than symbol, in other areas.

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#2855112

Review of The Battle of New Orleans

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
A good example of narrative history telling through poetry. Your imagery transported me to that January battle field and you got a lot information across in a few well chosen words.

What are my favourite parts?
I loved the altered refrain at the close of each stanza. Its use reminded me of both the British song quoted at the start and the American one closing. I also thought this was quite a clever thing to do too; it was almost as if I could see a structure which said, "You started it, but we'll finish it!" and that added to the patriotic flavour of your narrative voice and tone.

I also thought the following two lines were expertly crafted and took me right to the heart of the scene:

Rockets burst through thick bayou haze,
hissing and sizzling among Andrew Jackson's ranks.

What are my suggestions?
Ooh, your brief description seems a little defensive?

Instead of saying what it isn't about, the brief description area gives you a chance to arrest your reader's attention and 'hook' them into reading your poem. Give them a sound bite of action/drama/patriotism

As you have quoted numbers in your opening stanzas, you might want to consider the power they could add to your closing ones. After all, over two-thousand British casualties compared with less than a hundred American ones, makes the victory rather emphatic!

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#2854526

Review of A Day in Alexandria

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for entering Round 9 and good luck!

This fascinating woman makes for great historical supposition and I loved some of the interesting facts that the brief bit of research I did showed up on her. This compelling snap-shot of her violent end at the hand of fundamentalists is probably less sensational than it could be! I loved it and am so pleased I had a chance to read it. I only have one real suggestion and it's over wording in one small part so I wouldn't dream of giving you anything other than a perfect rating. The rest of my suggestions are possible reading sources should you wish to explore developing this fabulous story further

What are my favourite parts?
I was there!

What are my suggestions?

They have very little tolerance for beliefs different from theirs.

perhaps 'some hold very little tolerance...'? While there is no doubt that her murder was the result of "bigoted zeal."1I thought Hypatia schooled Christian students too. Also, she fell foul of some pretty, powerful politics. She was closely allied to factions again Cyril, before he took office. There are always those who get caught up in the fervor of religious/political shifts, but on the winds of such change, I'm not sure you can be so sweeping about the entire Christian mindset of Alexandria. While I realise this is "fact-tion" (fictionalised fact), you create the nervous feeling of knife-edge tensions well enough with your narrators tone upon landing in Alexandria

Here's a good link which looks at the wide range of politics in the early church,
http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/26017.htm
especially between those favouring Plato and Aristotle philosophy versus Origen (even he got caught up in the sweeping differences between competing Christian sects in Alexandria over 200 years earlier!). There was a lot going on all over the empire at this time and you might want to make that more obvious than simply putting it down to Christians in general. It will add real weight to the tragic conclusion of her part in history and your narrative in the following:

Yes, as in ALL religions, rather than one. Theon was particularly concerned that she not be caught up in any one religion to the exclusion of new truths.. .

...Many of the Christians are becoming bolder. Not just in the practice of their religion, but in the attempt to suppress others.

Here is a good place to check out your accuracy with dress, as far as Roman Catholicism goes, although I'm having a hard time with finding good examples of dress in Alexandria 400AD (even though you'd think S. Anthony would provide some good info!) If you have any good links in regard to dress at this time I would love it!
http://www.elfinspell.com/Costume/Chap1.html

A thoroughly grusome death:

had stripped her and peeled away her skin with bits of tile and pottery.

although I do find some stunning symbolism in the 'oyster shells' quoted in other sources. The shell is a symbol of Christian baptism, giving this death a macabre twist, in startling opposition to Botticelli's Birth of Venus. Bear with me on this one... but I think there is a startling similarity between that image and Raphael's image of Hypatia in his 'School of Athens'. Why? Because if you have seen his fresco of The Triumph of Galeta for the Villa Farnesina in Rome, he shows the nymph rising from the sea in a shell and she not supposed to look like anyone in particular (but she kind of does...

) and has "her eyes drawn to heaven, reflecting Platonic love"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galatea_(Raphael)

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Footnotes
1 Socrates Scholasticus described her murder in his "Ecclesiastical History".

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#2852973

Review of CRITIQUE

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

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#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Oh, this is priceless. A great insight what turned out to be a not-so-great night out! Yes, I think being interrupted by your dinner (dinner which is armed with a broken pool cue) is enough to induce fear in the beadiest of little black eyes.

You have a natural talent for comedic voice so why not use comedy as a category in one of your genre choices

?

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#2850764

Review of A Mother's Greatest Power

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!
For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Want to join a group which will encourage and support your writing, as well as making new friends? Please visit
The Holding Pond (E)
Currently not accepting new members - group under redesign. Thank you for your patience.
#1360711 by Brooklyn

What are my overall impressions?
Thank you for entering the final challenge in "Invalid Item"

Please find enclosed 1,000gps for taking on all seven days

The super power prompt was one of my favourites, so it is great to see you write a short story using it.

What are my favourite parts?
Loved the end! That little comedy wink was ace

Oh, there will be oodles of housewives and mothers out there thinking this is the best super power a body could have... not to mention WDC reviewers who should be in bed

What are my suggestions?

Does your Father live her, Alyssa?

here

I believe it was Spider man that once said: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

erm, not that I'm a total geek, or anything, but it was Spiderman's Uncle Ben who gave the soundbite...

Because I'm such a sci-fi geek, you might want to consider changing the 'lifetime movie' watching for catching up on book reading. I never questioned the iron heating up until other technology seemed to work in a timeless reality.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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