Hi lynjs
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!
Please remember that you should NOT edit your entry until judging is over and the winners have been announced as per the contest rules.
Overall Thoughts
I love the idea of this story - a second chance at life to put right the path that led astray. Cool theme! What I liked in particular was your unique take on a classic idea. It's like It's a Wonderful Life in a new light.
I liked Victor! He was a nice contrast to the usual St. Peter we tend to read about at the Pearly Gates.
Suggestions
These are just my thoughts. Feel free to use or disregard these as you see fit.
First, I have to suggest you add extra spaces between your paragraphs. For your readers who are viewing on a computer screen, it's much easier on their eyes.
However, there no regrets.
missing word there were no regrets
this pier with the bellowing grey-blue clouds
I think bellowing should be billowing
(bellow means to make a deep, hollow sound or to shout in a deep voice; billow means a rolling mass or a great wave)
and man at a desk, Victor.I think a word is missing, perhaps and a man at a desk
Not my lie, so don’t look at me.
The word "my" here threw me off. It makes it seem as if the name Victor is a lie, just not the narrator's lie.
I told Lee with his lack luster want of me to leave.
lack luster lackluster
He was painting the sea and it’s wonders.
it's its
(it's is a contraction of "it is" while its shows possession)
Have you heard the writing advice, "Show, don't tell"? To me, your writing in this story shows the reader information, instead of showing it. In the first half of the story, you tell the reader about the main character's life, how she let everyone make decisions for her. Instead of telling this to the reader, why not try showing it, perhaps in a flashback or start the story with an interaction between her and another family member, before the car accident. Another example:
During a trip to the Atlantic Coast, I met Jerry. He was painting the sea and it’s wonders. He often painted in the off season. He felt that the sea and the beach took on a different look with the change in seasons. He wanted to capture that look.
This is the scene where she meets her second husband. Why not write it as a scene, describing the details of their meeting? What did he look like to her, what did they say to one another, etc. If you describe these scenes in more detail, it can bring the reader closer to the story, creating an emotional connection for the reader to the story. Just my thoughts.
So at the end of the story, she and Victor become angels? I didn't really get why Victor became an angel. Was it because he influenced her to make the right decisions? It wasn't clear to me.
My Rating
2.0 - Good base for a great story. You've got a great theme here, an original twist on a common idea. For me, the story could use some work and more detail to draw the reader in. I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for sharing and good luck!
Sincerely,
spidey
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