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 |   The only blog that will put hair on your chest... |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Turning from the Dark Side ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** < This is where I'll insert a cool new blog description. Someday. > |
| Jodi got her first significant taste of the extended Beckwith family last Sunday. She had been around for the Halloween party, but everyone was drunk, the lights were off, and my boring relatives made quick exits. Sunday, on the other hand, was much more typical of a Beckwith get-together. What transpired at the end was a tad extreme, even by our family's standards. My aunt threw a birthday party for my 11-year-old cousin on Sunday. I should preface this by saying my aunt is my father's older sister, and never a greater combination of freakish manliness, bitchiness, envy, and pettiness will you meet. In fact, if you get close enough, a feat that's a testament to your courage, you can see her mustache. Her son would have turned out better if he had been raised by wolves. Hyenas even. During the party the little hellspawn told my other cousin "I'll kick your ass" and called my father ugly and made a move to hit him. Fortunately for the kid, his instincts kicked in and he realized my father was the one person at the table that was likely to smack back much harder. Who else would be at this party you ask? Well, there's my trampy 20-year-old cousin and sister to the birthday boy. Her boyfriend, with whom she's supposedly going to be forever, is on the fire department, a volunteer organization that has seen as much of my cousin as he has. Or so the rumors go. She's been spotted with several different guys when he's not around, and the latest gossip is she's been with his best friend. She wore her street corner getup to my grandfather's funeral, complete with mini skirt, knee-high boots, and 34 layers of eye shadow, prompting my father's cousin to ask where the rest of the outfit was. Then there's my other aunt, who is the kindest one of the entire family. She helps everyone out and often acts as the peacekeeper. She frets over everything family related, almost annoyingly so, a trend that earned her the nickname HH, Hovering Hen, from my grandfather. Since her long-time significant other and father of her daughter died, she's been bitter, miserable, and pretty hateful towards anyone outside the family or her close circle of friends. She seems to take great joy in criticizing all the friends of my siblings, myself, and my parents. Apparently my father's side of the family has bad taste in our associations. Since my grandfather died, she's even more bitter and more cynical. Since his death, she's accused my father of distancing himself from the family, a self-fulfilling prophecy and bit of foreboding on this story. Finally, the only other relative I'll mention is my uncle. He's been on everyone's case, and especially me, for as long as I can remember. He was only about 12 years old when I was born, and my birth ended his reign as youngest attention-grabber. He used to hit me when I was a baby and run screaming into the woods throwing temper tantrums when he didn't get his way. He's always been jealous of me. For a while he tried to take me under his wing, but even as a child I resisted, because Bruce and I are as dissimilar as two people can be. He dropped out of college with one semester to go, thus failing to become the first Beckwith with a four year degree. I completed that feat years later. I got my first job making more money than the job he had worked at since high school. He quit his job and took a pay cut. I got a promotion and make $20,000 a year more than he does. He's been jealous because I've got everything I want, and he's never gotten anything he wants. And so he gets on my case, because he can't believe that I did so well, despite doing everything so differently than the ways he thinks are right. But back to the party. Jodi and I were invited, and my parents insisted we should go. I refused, just like I usually refused to go to family functions. I really didn't care if they talked about me behind my back; they do anyway. Jodi insisted we go too, and where I can refuse my parents I can't refuse her. Yes, yes, I know I'm whipped. So we went to the party, albeit relunctantly. That was a mistake. My uncle and trampy cousin were in rare form. My uncle poked and prodded me all day long. He knows how to push my buttons, and I daresay he likes it. He insulted my dead grandfather, a mere two days after the anniversary of his death. He mentioned what a horrible father he was to the family and showed the man no respect. At that point my father got up and left the table. He and my grandfather were the closest, and had he stuck around he would have said something. I did stick around, and have you ever known me to not say something? But I bit my tongue this time. He continued to poke at me with comments about Social Security. I said there won't be any Social Security when I'm ready to retire, to which he replied "There will be if we can get Democrats in office," a snide remark designed to jab at the uber-conservative in me. Next the discussion turned to health insurance, at which point he said to me, "You're a heart attack waiting to happen." I almost exploded on that one. Yeah, I'm out of shape, but that asshole has fucking jowels! Your cheeks practically touch your shoulders, dipshit!... is what popped into my head. But again, I kept my cool and mouth shut. Then he started arguing with me about coaching and Little League, a passion of mine you don't mess with. Things got a bit heated then, but I let it go. He continued to poke on all fronts, and I'm sure my face was geting red. Finally we argued about sticking your finger in the birthday cake. My uncle, who's well into his 30s, still insists on walking up to every cake he sees and digging out a big portion of frosting with his finger. He then expects someone else to eat that piece. It's freakin' disgusting. I'd expect it from kids, but he's a grown man. Gimme a break. I told him it was disgusting, just like I tell him pretty much every time I see him. My trampy cousin sided with him, because she does the same thing of course, and the argument got a little heated. Her big dumbass boyfriend even got in on it. You could almost see the gears turning in his head. She's lucky guys that stupid and dull actually exist. In the middle of the argument, someone tapped me on the shoulder. "Linda wants to take a picture of all the grandkids." I'm not even sure who said it. "Ah, man, I don't feel like..." I began. Suddenly the whore got up in my face. She stooped down because I was sitting and started screaming about three inches from my face. The eye shadow nearly blinded me. "You get up and have your picture taken, you fuckin' asshole!" Or something like that. Frankly I started zoning her out as soon as I realized my hand had come up to slap her across the face. She continued to scream in my face, and I turned away lest my anger get the better of me. I would have slapped her if for not my moral instincts against hitting women. She leaned in closer so she could yell some more. Ugly bitch. That was my breaking point. I slammed my elbows down on the table. "No! Now I'm definitely not. I'm not doing it!" A brief pause as I let the steam escape through my ears. "I'm not going to take orders from some slutty 20-year-old!" Dead silence. My family is loud, always has been, but for once you could hear a pin drop. And then all hell broke loose. My uncle across the table started yelling at me, telling me about disrespect and how bad my own younger siblings are. The truth is I don't know what he said, because I completely zoned him out. I was shaking, and if I didn't lock myself up physically and emotionally, I probably would have smashed the table right then and there. The whore's father came along and started screaming at me. He's never liked me and I never liked him, so I was half hoping he'd swing at me. I only needed an excuse to level him. In the meantime my uncle got up and got in my father's face. "Your kids have no respect for anyone! You should be ashamed of your family!" This from the guy who lets his own bratty kids spit on him. How my father didn't deck him is beyond me. His fist raised up, but he stopped. He said afterwards he knew Bruce would have filed assault and battery. My father would have lost his guns, and his little brother would have forever taunted him about it. They screamed at each other for a bit, while I listened to my cousin's father scream at me. I really wasn't listening to anyone. At this point I became most concerned with Jodi. I scanned the room and noticed she had wisely disappeared into a corner with my mother. I wondered if she now assumed this was typical behavior for my family. In fact it was just the culmination of years of disagreement. We left in a hurry, Jodi and I in my van, and my parents and siblings in their car. Jodi said my parents wanted me to stop by their house before we went home. Great. I followed them back to their house and slowly got out of the car, not knowing what to expect. They unloaded from their car... applauding! And apparently my sister had even burst into laughter as soon as she got in the car. The end result was we realized we'll never have to speak to Bruce again or go to any of their lameass parties. A blessing in disguise for sure. And Jodi said she won't make me go to any more family events if I say I don't want to. Too bad she had to learn the hard way. I don't regret anything I did. I created a huge rift in the family, including instigating my father's vow to never speak to his brother again. And I don't regret it. Sure, I didn't mean to say "slutty," but I had been egged on all day and I exploded. I said exactly what I was thinking instead of carefully choosing my words. So be it. I meant it. There were several other things I would have meant if I said them too, but I chose not to. It's over and done with, and they're dead to me. I love my parents and siblings. I loved my grandfather, still do, but the rest of the family can go to hell. |
| The Writing.com chatroom is easily the best thing to happen to Writing.com since I created an account. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but that chatroom is even cooler than me. The old chatroom reeked of ebola-infected monkey turds, but this new one makes Scroll look like a sheep's ass; and yes, it was discussed in the chatroom the frequency with which I inspect sheep asses. You can use all kinds of cool avatars. I know a couple users like to have their green, bulbous head massaged. Based on the somewhat disturbing reactions, I'm guessing a green, terrestrial forehead is some kind of errogoneous zone. And thanks to a whole slew of emoticons you can construct whole sentences with pictures. I've juggled my eyeballs, thrown a bomb, and catapaulted toilets. I haven't seen a catapaulted toilet since "Ernest Goes to Camp," so how freakin' cool is that? The chatroom is rated 13+. That means you can get away with saying bastard, bitch, whore, wench, ass, asshole, etc. You can also take about drugs, alcohol, and spread some sexual innuendo. Do I really need to go on with this little endorsement? For some reason shit appears as roughly @$%/@. How we can call someone a whore but not say "Holy shit!" is beyond me, but to each his own. The best part of 13+ isn't the range of vulgarity or even the innuendo but rather the free range with which chatters can gross out, shock, mock, bitch, or whatever else might be desired. I can finally unleash my extraordinary repertoire of smart-alec remarks, jabs, and grotesque one-liners. Nothing is sacred and no one is safe in the W.com chatroom. And you know what the best part of the chat rating et al is? If you meet some pussy Scroll regulars in there that get all offended, you can tell them to stick it. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Trust me, you will find people like that, ones that enter chat fully knowing the rules of chat but still expecting it to be governed by their own moral code. They might even try to impose their G-rated will on you and all of the chatroom, but I say don't let 'em. They knew what they were getting into when they entered. Scroll is still there for all the pansies, religious zealots, sheltered children, and uppity people with sticks shoved up their asses. If the chat is too risque or vulgar or offensive, go back to Scroll, you assclowns. The chatroom has its regulars too. Unfortunately, your username appears, not your handle, so not everyone knows your name like they do on "Cheers." In fact the next person that calls me erbi or furby is going to get smacked with a fiber-filled floater. You'll catch onto usernames quick though and begin associating them with their usual handles. This is mostly true because the chatroom has the usual class of W.com losers. Some are quite entertaining, but if you don't see my erbiii username in there you probably shouldn't waste your time. I'm the life of the party as always. I'm usually serving up dinner and drinks and bringing mirth to an otherwise ho-hum chatroom. Everyone gets so excited when I pop in there, and I'm fairly certain they cry when I leave. Poors saps. So come join us in the chatroom. I'll even fix you the world's largest margarita.  |
The Great  Crusade has been an uber-success. Granted no one understands it, and most people just figure it's me being my typical abrasive self, but sure enough they'll fallen into my trap. People everywhere are yawning, sputtering about me in their blogs, posting comments in this one, IM'ing me when I don't expect it, and mocking my crusade. As usual, my plan is working flawlessly. Because you see, dear readers, my plans are rarely what they seem to be.Writing.com had become a boring place, a virtual yawn-fest, devoid of anything entertaining or amusing. And so I yawned. And I yawned some more. Eventually people started yawning back. But they weren't just yawning for the sake of yawning or because my yawns were contagious. Rather they yawned and raged and mocked because my little "crusade" pushed their buttons. That means they were yawning et al back at me. So once again, the Great PC made himself the center of attention and brought the entertainment to him. And yes, I refer to PC in the third person because that's what all great personalities are wont to do. They should all be thankful I livened up their W.com lives by evoking at least some form of emotion, even if it was just annoyance. Apparently they were thankful, even if they don't know it, because they repaid me with entertainment. They made me the object of all their annoyance and showered me in much desired attention. And with their complaints and eye rolling they brought snickering laughter to that little red, horned man on my shoulder. (He used to have a white partner with a halo, but I think she chocked on a margarita.) Suckers. Sometimes the Great PC is so clever he even amazes himself.  |
| Wow, 5774 views. I've been waiting months for that magical number. Now I can finally write an oh-so-entertaing blog entry about hitting a milestone in views. I feel like I finally belong. I feel like I'm finally part of the blogging community. You love me, you really love me. So now do I reminiscent about the birth and exploratory stages of this blog? It's been 9 months already. Just yesterday it felt like 8 months. Pretty soon it will be a year old. They grow up so fast. 5774 views. Wow. On the list of most viewed blogs that ranks me just ahead of I don't give a damn and just behind survey trendwhores. I've come so far. On second though, this entry is just... meh... And don't forget... |
| Someone sent me 10,000 GPs anonymously. I've never received that many GPs from anyone, let alone anonymously. Why on earth would someone send them to me? Anyone who knows me well enough to warrant deliverance of such a gift should know that I'm the one doling GPs out most of the time. They should also know I'm not a big fan of receiving charity. My father taught me to provide for myself. Somewhat hypocritically I often contribute to charities, but I balk at anyone lending me a helping hand. Somehow I justify that to myself. It's amazing what the obsessive mind can rationalize. But back to the Gift Points... who would have done such a thing? And more importantly, why? Was it a comment I made in chat/Scroll? Or maybe in BFS? Or maybe just the recent financial woes I've mentioned in this blog? Or maybe people just recognize my immense contribution to this little community and wanted to pay me back as best they could? Honestly I couldn't even type that last one with a straight face. Come forward, whoever you are. I don't need Gift Points. I'll only piss them away on sponsoring Scroll bots or helping someone with an upgrade or something. You likely need them more than I do. I'll return them peacefully. I'll forever gloat that you must have some marginally unhealthy fascination with me in order to bestow such a gift, but I'll only drop your name now and again when listing off my near limitless list of fans. Really, it's okay to come out of the shadows. Whoever you are, thank you. I now have a cool dime of Gift Points to lie stagnant in my account, waiting for that moment when some poor slob needs a favor. I love it when people owe me favors; I'm like a politician in that regard. Though I've never technically cashed in on any of them. I wouldn't have anything to lord over them until the end of time if I did, and then I just wouldn't be problematic enough. |
| People are boring. Writing.com is boring. Journals are boring. Scroll is boring. The Internet is boring. And you're all boring me, dammit. Just for that I'm going to yawn in your general direction. Pretty soon you will all be yawning back. So... The Great Crusade begins today... |
| Be warned: unless you're a poker afficianado, this entry is either going to bore you or confuse you... or both. Normally I'd write this only in my poker diary, and I'll probably put a copy of it there too, but I haven't updated that in so long that I've probably lost my readership there by now. Since I'm playing pretty steadily again, hopefully I'll get some of my poker readership back. I've been playing $.5/$1 limit hold'em and $6 buy-in no-limit hold'em tournaments all day. I'm experiencing possibly the worst string of luck I've ever played through. Often when I go on a bad streak I'll take a break for a few days so I don't start pressing or making bad decisions in an effort to "get even." Not so this time though because I'm certain I'm playing perfectly. I'm getting all the right reads and playing all the right hands, and I'm just flat out getting outdrawn or running into monster hands. For the first time ever I know that I'm playing optimally. In just a couple weeks I've turned $50 into $176 playing micro limit poker a few hours here and there. I had it up as high as $192 until the last three days of horrible luck struck. Today I had probably the worst luck of all, though I still managed to finish $10 ahead for the day after losing $32 over the past two days. I've been grinding it out, playing tough, determined, smart, and patient. I've finally reached a point where I can totally remove my emotions from my play and look at each hand individually and mathematically. That doesn't mean I don't get emotional. Quite the contrary, when some fish outdraws me on a longshot and takes my grinded out cash, I bang the desk with my hand and rage about it for a minute. Poor Jodi has heard more frustrated bad beat stories today than anyone would likely want to hear. She's being the supporting significant other, but I know she'll tire of it eventually. Sometimes though, having someone just listen to a bit of whining calms the nerves. And since I don't want to burden her with any more, even though I'm doing this poker thing to make us both some extra cash, I'm going to burden my readers with it instead. I'm a bastard like that. The first story isn't really a bad beat story. It's actually mostly just ironic and fitting considering my luck. After folding hand after crappy hand, I looked at my whole cards, something I would have done by staring down and covertly peeling the corners of the cards back if I had been playing offline, and saw two black Aces staring back at me. Pocket Aces, the best starting hand in Hold'em, and a very pleasant surprise after my run of rag hands. A cynical corner of my mind suspected some bozo would outdraw me with something like 7 9 offsuit, but I raised in early position with black aces. It was a loose table so I didn't dare slowplay it and have 6 or 7 players see the flop with me. I got 3 callers, including the two blinds. The flop was a rainbow and unconnected, and I continued to push. I got one caller and he called me down to the river. The community cards including a king, a queen, a jack, and 10, effectively counterfeiting my pocket Aces and replacing them with a straight. When I bet and my one caller raised me, I figured for sure he had hit the straight with his lone Ace, a hand that was about a 95% underdog to beat me before the flop. I of course called fully expecting us to split the pot. We did split it with an Ace high straight, but it turns out his hole cards were the two red Aces. So when I finally got a great starting hand, I was up against the same exact hand. Figures. Earlier today I was sitting on the button with Ace Queen offsuit, preparing to raise and steal the blinds if not much action hit the pot. The action folded around to the guy on my right, and he raised it up. I had a read on this guy though. He was a maniac and loved to bluff, even when any halfwit could tell half the table was going to call him. So I re-raised it. The two blinds folded, and the original raiser called. The flop came rags, and I pushed the pot. I did again on the turn when a meaningless card fell. The river brough a Jack, and he check-raised. At this point I knew he had outdrawn me, but I had to pay to see it. Sure enough he was holding Jack Ten, a roughly 65% underdog to my two overcards. I had read him perfectly, played back at him correctly, and gotten my money into the pot with the best hand. And I got screwed. Later I was sitting in the big blind with pocket Jacks. Five players entered the pot ahead of me, which roughly made my jacks seem like a low pair. I grinned when I saw a rag, rainbow flop. I bet out and got only one caller. I bet again on the turn and the river. The caller raised me on the river and turned over Jack Ten, completing the 9 8 7 straight on the table. He had started the hand an underdog somewhere between 90 and 95%, called against horrible pot odds with a lousy inside straight draw, and beat me on the river. Welcome to my day. The cap to my horrendous three day string came via a $6 no limit hold'em tournament. I was sitting on the button with Queen Jack of clubs and called with five other players to see the flop. The flop came Ace duece King, all clubs. I had flopped the nut flush, the absolute best hand on the flop, and with five players in the hand I was trying to decide how to get the most chips out of it. My eyes lit up when the first bettor made the minimum bet and quickly got raised by the next bettor. The next player folded, and the fourth player moved all in. It was a dream come true. I moved all in over top, and the original raiser called. She called with pocket Aces, which meant she called with a set of Aces, the second best possible hand. The third player was all in with King duece; he had flopped two pair. The first raiser caught runner runner Queen Queen to complete a full house Aces over Queens, thus taking down my nut flush and royal flush draw. I was knocked out of the tournament with the absolute nuts on the flop. A most poetic ending to a miserable weekend of card playing. |
| http://kevan.org/nohari?name=TheGreatPC It's another Johari window, but this one is for my negative traits. Now I just know my dear readers want to lambast me and point out all my flaws. (Little do they know I actually relish the reputation I've built for myself.) Be warned though, you can only pick a maximize of 6 negative traits, so you'll have to choose only the most accentuated ones. Now go fill it out, bitches. |
| Time to shut that damned thing up for a couple days. Unfortunately I'm not motivated enough to write anything. I've got some rants planned and some musings to make, but by the time I get home every evening I don't feel like it. I had plans to blog last night, but after the debacle of reinstalling Windows XP on Jodi's computer, I was too drained physically and emotionally to bother. The good thing is I got Windows on there, and it runs like it just came out of the box. Basically when I get home from work, we have a nice dinner and the evening just sort of disappears after that. We're out grocery shopping, watching TV, using the 'Net, visiting my parents, cuddling, falling asleep, or just plain being intimate. There aren't enough hours in the day to bother with a silly ol' blog. Especially when you fall asleep before 10PM 90% of the time. Of course there's one other major contributor to my lack of blog contributions: laziness. After work, dinner, and cuddling, I just plain don't feel like writing. Writing is work dammit! Instead I watch TV, surf the Net, or play poker. Yup, I've taken up playing poker again... I suppose I could write about my poker playing. Although I tend to reserve that for my poker journal, a scrap of electronic math babble that I haven't updated in months. Although I haven't really been playing either, except for the occasional free-roll tournaments at my parents house or at Jodi's parents house, and those hardly qualify as sufficient material for boring my poker readership with math and poker lingo. I just deposited $50 in PartyPoker again, after cashing out all my winnings back in November when I was short on cash. I took $50 of my bonus money, in part because I figured I should spend at least an iota of it on myself, and mostly because I figure I can parlay it into a tiny second income. I've been playing a couple weeks and turned it into $116, which is a pretty good rate of increase for the micro limits I'm playing. If I keep that up I could take in $50/month+ playing poker online. There's my phone, cable, or electric bill. See... my poker talk is already getting boring? Anyway, I'm playing again. Alas, poor benefactors, I will not be using my winnings to fund GP purchases and random kindness on W.com this time around. I'll actually be paying bills with it this time. So then I could write one of my rants right now, of which I have three planned. But I'm at work right now, and I simply don't have the time or focus to dedicate to such an endeavor. Likewise, I can't write out a funny anecdote that happened on Saint Patty's Day, because I lack the time and motivation to liven it up with my usual storytelling flair. But don't worry, dear readers, the story will be told eventually. Instead, since I have no logical way to end this blog entry, a catastrophe that taxes my linear and obsessive compulsive thought processes, I'll close with a paragraph describing my current state of mind. I miss her. It's after 10AM, and she hasn't signed on yet. I saw her and kissed her goodbye just 4 hours ago, but already I miss her. I worry now if she's lying in bed not feeling well or something. I worry that I should be there, tending to her, caring for her. I know she's fine, but my thoughts are always with her, and sometimes it just feels like I can never do enough to fully show her how much she means to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not taking good enough care of her. She insists that I'm wonderful and I take amazing care of her, but I would give my life for this woman and I always wish I could do more. So right now I miss her, and that's pretty the only thought in my head. And now she just signed on. I guess I can focus on work again now... after plenty of lovey dovey IMs are swapped of course. |
| http://miapleasantworships.problematiccontent.com Just in case you thought I wasn't a deity... |
| Tuesday night I was surfing the web on my laptop whilst watching American Idol. Suddenly, as I was zoning out to a flagrant butchering of a classic song, AOL Instant Messenger booted me and the W.com chatroom quit responding. Being the computer guru that I am, I checked the wireless connection on my laptop first. I pinged the desktop computer and the router in the office. Everything appeared in order. By now I knew I had a DSL problem. Before I continue, let me explain the adventures I had in getting DSL more than a month ago. When I lined up our apartment, I arranged for the phone and DSL to be installed in the first week. Our DSL equipment, namely the modem and phone line filters, were scheduled to arrive a week before we moved into the apartment. They never showed up, and the guy who came to activate our phone line did nothing in terms of DSL. I called Verizon, and they had no record of our request for DSL. Apparently the dipshit who kindly asked me "And could we interest you in Verizon high-speed Internet?" never logged the request when I told him yes, which is perplexing since he actually gave me a tracking number. In fairness to him though, our order was fucked up to begin with. He gave me the phone number XYZ, and the technician arrived and gave us phone number ABC. We called some people from number ABC, and their caller IDs were registering as "Metropolitan." This didn't worry me too much until I called home one day and got a voicemail saying "Bonjour! You've reached Metropolitan... blah blah blah." My buddy looked the number up for me, and it was already registered to some French antique shop down the street. Just what I wanted: to be associated with some French pansy selling pricey junk. I called Verizon and they switched us to phone number QRS, and finally everything was fine, well except for the fact that we got telemarketer calls within one hour of activating our new line. And did I mention I still didn't have DSL? My second call to Verizon I asked where my DSL equipment was and why my line wasn't activated. As mentioned they had lost all record of the order. The girl informed me that we couldn't get DSL until our phone line had been active for five business days? What the fuck? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Meanwhile Verizon guys were outside our apartment every day fixing shit. I think they were just delaying because they didn't want to admit they royally fucked up the local phone lines. I acquiesced, and she put through a request for DSL to be shipped once our account reached its fifth business day. Two weeks later still no DSL. I called Verizon again and got just a bit huffy on the phone. The lady told me there was no record of any DSL request, and that a technician didn't have to come out to activate our phone line as the two previous call center retards claimed. Are these idiots reading the same piece of paper? So almost three weeks later and three calls later, and there's still no record of a DSL request. At this point I considered going with cable modem instead, and I mentioned that to the Verizon call rep. Apparently threats of losing a sale are the only effective means of actually getting a call logged, because she put the request through and the DSL equipment arrived by the end of the week and was working the same night. Stupid bastards. It's amazing Verizon sells any DSL service at all. For about two weeks I used my blazing DSL, downloading bootleg shit I don't need just because I could, playing online games just because I felt like it, and surfing at breakneck speeds because I was bored otherwise. And then it quit on me one night. Which brings me back to my present story and the focus of this entry. So network-wise everything was working fine. I sauntered into the office (because I'm uber-cool and I always saunter), prepared to check the DSL modem and router connections. The Internet light on the DSL modem was red instead of green. Bingo. I checked the phone line from the modem to the phone jack, and everything was secure. I picked up the phone to make sure some Verizon dipshit didn't just cut our line. Everything was in order. So I did what every computer user in the world knows to do: I powered it off and back on. The power light turned green... the Ethernet light turned green (telling me it was connected to the router just fine)... the DSL light turned green (telling me the phone line was working fine)... the Internet light turned red. That's a problem. Here's a tip, kiddies: if your Internet light on your DSL or cable modem is red, you can't access the Internet. I checked the router settings for the hell of it, and everything was fine. Not that it mattered, because clearly the modem couldn't even connect to the Internet. I plugged the modem directly into my laptop instead of the router just to be sure. Yup, no Internet. I knew it wasn't going to help, but I also knew if I called Verizon this was the bullshit they'd put me through. Realizing Verizon must be having an outage, I went back to watching Mandesa rock the stage (literally) on American Idol and resolved to check it again before I went to bed. By morning the light was still red, no matter how many times I reset the modem, so I figured I'd check the outage status from work. Verizon.com showed no outages in our area. Great. I was just about to call Verizon and report it when I saw an online test. You type in your phone number, and it tests your DSL line. Mine came back with "Test performed failed which may indicate a trouble with your line." I ignored the horrible misuse of the English language and called Verizon. Tim answered the phone. I remember his name, because it is forever etched in my mental shit list of idiots and time wasters. I told him the situation, explaining the red light on the DSL modem and the online test indicating trouble with my DSL line. He pulled out his tech support script because he has a hard enough time just turning a PC on every day. He began running through his trained monkey bit, and I played along for a minute, pretending to do what he was asking of me. He asked for a time provided on the screen though, and I so I had to inform him that I wasn't at home on my PC. I asked if that was really necessary since clearly something was wrong with either the DSL modem or the DSL line. All he had to do was test the damned line and have a clue as to what the results meant. Of course this trained monkey didn't know how to do that though, and I didn't know how many dumbass script kiddies I'd have to get through before I was forwarded to someone who had a clue. I gave up, and asked if my fiancee could run through the process. She could, so I called Jodi and gave her the task of dealing with the Verizon puppets. I gave her some details on my router in case they wanted to mess with some settings. She called me back a while later after two failed attempts to get Verizon to do anything. They were convinced it was my router, mostly because I didn't buy it from them and so it probably wasn't included on their stupid scripts. They wanted her to remove the router from the equation and do a direct connection to a computer. Of course I already tried this so I knew my router wasn't the culprit. Dumbasses. Get this, they actually had her unplug the router and the modem and swap which end of the Ethernet cable was plugged into which. That's roughly the equivalent of trying to get a broken flashlight to work by holding it in a different hand. Finally they were going to forward her to the router people when she wisely hung up. I got home at 9:30PM last night, and I sauntered into the office (told ya so) with intentions of attaching the modem directly to my PC to take the router out of the picture. That way Jodi could go through Verizon support again today but with much less nerdy networking stuff to confuse her and the script readers at Verizon. Before I even started, lo and behold the Internet light on the DSL modem was green, and the Internet was working fine. I hadn't changed a thing. I logged on to the Verizon website, and sure enough an outage in Massachusetts was discovered and repaired while we were out. I could have saved myself so much frustration and saved Verizon some time and money if that idiot on the support line had just listened to me. Bastards. |
| ... 95 things. As stolen from my ultra cool fiancee, Mariposa  ...[X] I have eaten more than 5 meals in one day. [X] I have read a lot of books. [X] I have been on some sort of varsity team. [X] I have walked/run more than 2 miles without stopping. [x] I have been to Canada. Total= 5 [ ] I have been to Europe. [X] I have watched cartoons for hours. [X] I have tripped UP the stairs. [X] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs. [ ] I have been snowboarding/skiing. Total= 3 [X] I have played ping pong. [ ] I swam in the ocean. [ ] I have been on a whale watch. [X] I have seen fireworks. Total= 2 [X] I have seen a shooting star. [ ] I have seen a meteor shower. [ ] I have almost drowned. [X] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear. Total= 2 [X] I have listened to one cd over & over & over again. [ ] I have had stitches. [X] I have been on the honor roll. [ ] I have had frostbite. [ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there [X] I have stayed up til 2 doing homework/projects. [X] I currently have a job. [ ] I have been ice skating. [ ] I have been rollerblading. [X] I have fallen flat on my face. Total= 5 [X] I have tripped over my own two feet [X] I have been in a fist fight. [X] I have played videogames for more than 3 hours straight. [ ] I have passed out from being drunk. [X] I have watched the power rangers. Total= 4 [ ] I do attend Church regularly. [X] I have played truth or dare. [X] I have already had my 16th birthday. [X] I have already had my 17th birthday. [X] I've lost weight since one year ago. Total= 4 [X] I've called someone stupid. And meant it. [X] I've been in a verbal argument. [X] I've cried in school. [ ]I've played basketball on A team. Total= 3 [X] I've played baseball on a team. [ ] I've played football on a team. [ ] I've played soccer on a team. [ ] I've done cheerleading on a team. [ ] I've played softball on a team. [ ] I've played volleyball on a team. [ ] I've played field hockey on a team. [ ] I've been on a swim team. [ ] I've been on a golf team. [ ] I've been on a lacrosse team Total= 1 [ ] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life. [ ] I've bungee jumped. [ ] I've climbed a rock wall. [ ] I've lost more than $20. [X] I've called myself an idiot. [X] I've called someone else an idiot. [X] I've cried myself to sleep. [X] I've had (or have) pets. Total= 4 [ ]I've owned a raggea cd. [ ]I've owned a 50 Cent cd. [ ] I've owned a Guns N Roses cd. [ ] I've owned a Mettalica cd. Total= 0 [X] I've mooned someone. [X] I've sworn at someone in authority. [X] I've been in the newspaper. [ ] I've been on TV. Total= 3 [ ] I've been to Hawaii. [ ] I've eaten sushi. [X] I've been on the other side of a waterfall. [X] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies. [ ] I've watched all of the Harry Potter movies. Total= 2 [ ] I've watched all of the Rocky movies. [X] I've watched the 3 stooges. [X] Ive watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica. [X] I've watched Looney Tunes. [ ] I've been stuffed into a locker. Total= 3 [X] I've been called a geek. [ ] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade. [X] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it. Total= 2 [ ] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs. [ ] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours. [X] I've met a celebrity/music artist. [X] I've written poetry. [ ] I've been arrested. Total= 2 [X] I've been attracted to someone much older than me. [ ] I've been tickled till I've cried. [X] I've tickled someone else until they cried. [X] I've had/have siblings. [ ] I've been to a concert. Total= 3 [X] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it. [X] I've been in a play [X] I've been picked last in gym class. [X] I've been picked first in gym class. [X] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class. Total= 5 [X] I've cried in front of my friends. [X] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages. [X] I've played Halo 2. [X] I've freaked out over a sports game [ ] I've been to Alaska. Total= 4 [ ] I've been to China. [ ] I've been to Spain. [ ] I've been to France. [X] I've had a fight with someone on AIM. [X] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face. [X] I've had serious conversations on any IM. Total= 3 [X] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me. [X] I've been forgiven. [X] I've screamed at a scary movie [X] I've cried at a chick flick. Total= 4 [X] I've watched a lot of action movies. [X] I've screamed at the top of my lungs. [ ] I've been to a rap concert. Total= 2 [ ] I've been to a hip hop concert. [X] I've lived in more than 2 houses. [X] I've driven on the highway [X] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day. [X] I've been in a car accident Total= 4 [X] I've been homesick. [X] I've thrown up [X] I've puked all over someone. [X] I've been horseback riding. Total= 4 [X] I've spoken my mind in public. [X] I've proved someone wrong [X] I've been proved wrong by someone. [ ] I've broken an arm. [X] I've fallen off a swing. [X] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 mins straight. [X] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies. [ ] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school. Total= 6 [ ] I've lost my backpack. [X] I've come close to dying. [X] I've seen someone die. [X] I've known someone who has died. [X]I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point. Total= 4 [ ] I've done modeling. [X] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings. [X] I've taken something/someone for granted [X] I've realized how good my life is. [X] I've counted my blessings. Total= 4 [X] I've made fun of a classmate. [X] I've been asked out by someone and I said no. [ ] I've asked someone on a date and been turned down. Total= 2 [X] I've slapped someone in the face. [ ] I've been skateboarding. [X] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend. [X] I've lied to someone to their face. [X] I've told a little white lie. Total= 4 [X] I've taken a day off from school just so i don't go insane [ ] I've fainted [X] I've had an argument with someone about weather [X] I've pushed someone into a pool. [X] I've been pushed into a pool Total= 4 |
| I stole this survey from elizm446. I first saw it in mood indigo 's journal, but Mia capitalized it for me, and I'm terribly lazy. 1. What do you think about flag burning? Wow, I'm on the first question and already I'm bored with this survey. I suppose I just have too much on my mind. I'm wondering how Jodi's interview went. I'm stressing over work. I'm wondering why I was such an ass last night. And lastly I'm still reeling from some pain. Isn't it funny how you can take something seemingly innocuous and downright silly so personally and be so hurt when it comes from the one you love? Anyway, flag burning... I would never do it personally, and I tend to think less of those who would, but to each his own. There's no reason people shouldn't be able to express themselves, even in such a controversial manner. 2. Is it okay to cuss? Fucking A. Incidentally, what on earth does that phrase mean? For years I've heard people say that in some sort of exclamatory affirmative, but what is the literal translation? It doesn't even make sense. 3. What's your favorite candy? Non-pareils, those little round chocolate candies with the white sprinkles or what-not on top. Mmmmm mmmmm, bitch. 4. Do you keep up on current events? I can tell you whether or not Manny Ramirez showed up for training camp, but otherwise I'm in the dark. I don't read the paper, and I don't watch the news. Maybe it's too depressing. Nah, in actuality I just have a terrible attention span, and neither the newspaper nor the TV news is entertaining enough. 5. Do you get enough vacation? Never. You can never get too much of a good thing, not even in the case where you eat so much chocolate you throw up. It's still not enough. 6. What is most important to you? She is. 7. Do you collect anything? I was in the habbit of collecting baseball gloves and swords. Although, I haven't bought any in over a year, and both collections have been left behind. I guess I need to start buying more Transformer statues to put on my computer desk. Optimus Prime, Soundwave, and Shockwave are getting lonely. 8. Is there too much media violence? There's not nearly enough. How often do you see the media fight? Just once I'd like to see some liberal propagandists tear each other apart. Oh, that's not what the question means? Ah, to hell with it. 9. Is it right to spank a kid? I can see myself smacking my kid once on the rump as the little hellion runs by on his/her way to mischief. However, I could never make a ritual of it, nor could I use any instruments. I'd never put him over my knee and spank him. So maybe that very rare smack isn't really a spanking; I don't know. I also doubt if I could hit my daughter at all. I could smack a son, but I don't think I could smack a girl of any age. 10. What's your favorite car? A hummer. Oh, we're talking about cars? 11. Boy bands? I just threw up a little in my mouth. 12. Planning to go anywhere for spring break? Yeah, to work. 13. If someone handed you five hundred bucks what would you do with it? I'd pay bills. Someone handed me a check for $2000 yesterday, and it's all gone on bills already. That was after 40% was taken out for taxes. Damned IRS. That's what happens to our money when Democrats pass tax laws. 14. Do you have a credit card? I have four of them. That was a mistake. 15. Should teens be able to have credit cards? It depends I guess. I think I was more responsible when I was a teen than I was in college. My finances prove that. 16. How many email accounts do you have? Only two that I use. 17. Who do you live with? Jodi, the love of my life, and two cats, one of which I'm going to convince to stop being such a pussy. 18. Creation or evolution? Yes. 19. Can you name the leader of cuba? Mia never capitalized Cuba. She needs to be reprimanded. 20. What are you doing after graduation? Welcome to the real world, people. Sucks don't it? 21. How many colleges did you apply to? Three 22. What's your favorite hard candy? Lifesavers 23. Ever had your heart broken? Yes. Just last night it took a couple stab wounds. 24. Did you keep your new year's resolution? The year is young, and so am I. 25. Is your best friend the same or opposite gender of you? The opposite. 26. Do you have any feelings on abortion? I'm pro-choice, though I'd be hardpressed to agree on an abortion with my own significant other. Ultimately it would be her choice though. 27. What would be your dream vacation? Somewhere for just the two us, without all the headaches both our families bring on us. Something private and dettached from reality, work, family, and anything else that would stress us out. Just a whole lot of delicious meals, entertainment, relaxation, cuddling, and love making. 28. Your feelings on the show "survivor"? It's getting old and boring. I say stick 'em in the wilderness of Alaska or British Columbia. Make them survive under different circumstances. That might give it a fresh look. 29. Thirsty? Yes. 30. What makes you like a commercial the most? Humor. Wow, Mia was actually right about something. 31. What do you typically eat for breakfast? Egg sandwiches, baby. Mmmmm mmmmm, bitch! 32. How involved were you in buying the computer you're using right now? It's a company PC, so you tell me. 33. How many computers are in your house? Three. 34. Do you read self-help books? No. Unfortunately I don't help myself. 35. Do you think teens should be restricted from buying certain things? I suppose so. I still won't supply my siblings with alcohol for example. 36. Do you use instant messaging more than on the phone? Yes. I hate phones. Notice how my answers are getting shorter because I'm so tired and bored? 37. You're going to a halloween party, what kind of costume are you in? Look in my port and find the photos, you lazy ass. 38. Who would you have voted for in the presidential election? I voted for Bush, both times. He sucks, but I'd pick him over Gore and Kerry again. Every time. Actually I'd pick him over about 95% of Democrats. The bipartisan system sucks, but I most identify with Republicans if I have to choose. 39. What do you think about amusement parks? Disney World is truly the happiest place on earth. Scratch that. The happiest place on earth is actually our apartment. I've never been so happy. 40. Do you like roller coasters? Yeah, but I hate having to hold onto my glasses. 41. If you saw The Grinch, what do you think? The cartoon rocks, and the live action movie sucks. Mia was right again. 42. Do you play video games? Not much. 43. Have you ever beat a game? Of course. 44. What usually keeps you up later than you should be? I'm an old fogey. I start falling asleep at 9PM. Only willpower and determination keep me up, and it turns out I'm very weak-willed. 45. Do you enjoy cooking? I enjoy eating. I do enjoy cooking some meals though. Shrimp scampi anyone? |
| Okay, so the title is a bit of an exaggeration. The movie really wasn't that bad. In fact, I was more or less entertained throughout the duration of "Crash." But I guess I just fail to see the point. Although, I've never really seen an artsy, social commentary movie I've liked. It was a hate-filled movie. A couple scenes did make me cringe, watch in horror or fascination, and even stir a variety of emotions. Despite this, and despite being interested throughout the movie, the whole experience left me feeling empty and dissatisfied. I like a plot, and this movie was more like a documentary with dialogue. The plot was certainly apparent, but an ordinary day in the lives of several LA citizens just didn't move me. I expected some mind-altering revelation at the end, some twist that left me enthralled, some significant comment on the world as we know it. Instead the movie just showed a whole slew of racism and ended with the somewhat dubious and certainly unconvincing theme of multi-ethnic people coming together when faced with tragedy or distressing scenarios. I sat through the whole movie with the distinct impression that I should either be surprised at the end or take something away from it. Neither happened. Yes, some details were a little surprising but not enough to shock me. So what did I take away from the movie? Not much really. The world is full of hate and occasional tolerance? I already knew this. LA is a shitty place to live? I knew that too. Racial corruption is everywhere? Again, nothing new. It's a movie of intense racism, bigotry, and stereotypes. It expresses these things with sheer shock value. But what's the point? What have I learned? What I have taken from it? What revelations did I have? Nada. It's the lives of a bunch of people coming together, but there's no real climax, no conclusion, no moral to the story. It's strictly a social commentary, but it doesn't comment much except to show us how and where racism exists. I could have gotten the same effect from any sociology class. "Crash" is a decent movie and riveting at least. It didn't live up to the hype everybody was giving me about it though. I was excited about seeing it after several people whose opinions I respect gave it rave reviews. Maybe they just talked it up, and I was expecting too much. When I saw the screen go black at the end, I remember thinking "That's it?" |
| I have a whole slew of journal entries to write, and they just continue to swirl around in my head. After I get home from work and do laundry and dishes and make and/or eat dinner, I can't find the motivation or energy to blog. They're killer ideas too, as my ideas are prone to be. I can even guarantee they'd entertain. I had one particularly long one planned on my newfound fascination with curling, and yesterday I was going to write it. However, I brought a load of laundry down into the basement and quickly lost all inspiration. This morning I sat here assessing my current state of bloghood, and I had a horrible revelation. I'm becoming what I've always hated and raged against. I'm becoming the boring blogger who details daily events in a mundane manner and who writes infrequent and inconsequential entries and/or becomes a survey whore. And it's true. I either write pointless entries that must bore my readers to tears or I fill out inane surveys because they require a minimal amount of thought. Even as I write this entry, the knowledge that I need to do laundry and go grocery shopping is wearing on me, and I'm contemplating scrapping what I've written so far and just saying to hell with it. But I won't. I can't. Once I realized my blog was stagnating I sat here thinking about why, and the realization hit me full in the face. I've been domesticated. I'm engaged to be married, taking on a slew of new responsibilities, caring for two people now instead of just myself, attending to chores that I wouldn't have bothered with on my own, becoming a full-fledged adult (an event that I always suspected would terrify me), and becoming one half of an old married couple. Suddenly I'm getting boring. And yet I still wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I'm happier than I've ever been, and I've waited my whole life for this. (I reconstructed this last sentence so it didn't end in "for," an offense shannon would have ostracized me for. Whoops, did it anyway. )This leads to another revelation. Happiness is boring. I've had young people tell me I'm boring. And by young people I mean people a whopping 1-6 years younger than me. I'm an aging 26, growing boring, unhip, and out of the loop. (Although I've never technically been hip or in the loop.) I blame it on being happy. When I was depressed, angry, or just plain cantankerous (I wonder if I spelled that correctly), I was amusing, maybe even entertaining. I would rant or comment sarcastically or stir the pot or write long philosophical and rhetorical entries. But now the angst, anger, frustration, envy, and every other negative emotion are gone. Yes, we all have our bad moments, but they don't last long enough for a significant entry anymore. For that I'm eternally grateful, even if my readership may not like it. I had another revelation. Just because I'm happy, domesticated, and tired doesn't mean I have the right to be boring. I'm a damned interesting fellow, blessed with killer wit, an uncanny knack for observation and sarcastic commentary, and a capacity for meaningful contemplation. Not to mention that I'm wicked ass cool. Okay, maybe not, but I wanted to use the phrase "wicked ass" at least once in my blog this month. (That one's for you, Sage.) Anyhow, I just need to make a better effort. Starting tomorrow I'm going to commit to writing at least five meaningful and/or entertaining blog entries per week. I'm bringing out problematic content at its finest. I'm also going to revamp this blog. I've already turned from the Dark side for the most part, and so it's time my blog reflect that. I'm going to come up with a new title and a new blog description. But have no fear, faithful readers, the original content of the blog will be saved just in case I ever become a Sith lord again. (As if any of you cared.) I may even host one of my infamous blog games where my readers suggest new names for my blog, and the best one receives some GPs. drakeborn already came up with a rather dubious title, and hopefully I'll see some better ones. So look for that upcoming game, dear readers. Until then, I'll see you next time, same bat time, same bat channel. I always wanted to say that.  |
| 1. What different things did you want to be when you grew up? In order (I think): director, lawyer, vet, accountant, computer programmer, math teacher 2. What is your most memorable childhood experience and how has it impacted your life? I refuse to answer this one on account of not knowing the answer. 3. If you could have a heart to heart with your parents about one thing you never discussed, what would it be? I'd share some of my inner turmoil, my raw emotiom, instead of bottling it all up and never saying what I wanted to say all these years. 4. If you were to determine what amount of contact you could have with your parents and how much you would see them, what would it be? I used to think I want lots of contact with them. This past week I had been apart from them for a week or so, which really isn't a long time at all, and it didn't take long for my father to remind me why some time away is a good thing. I love them and I'll always want to see them frequently, even if he has a knack for changing my mood. I'm just happy I can escape for a while between visits now. 5. What would you do if you were to find out you were adopted? For the longest time I was terrified that might be the case. I suppose it's because I always felt out of place, even in my own home. Now I tell people I am adopted so I don't have to claim some of my less desirable relatives. If I really were, I guess it wouldn't change much. I'd be resentful towards my parents for hiding it from me, but I'd invariably still love them and consider them my true parents. I'm not sure if I'd want to know who gave me or up or not. 6. If you are, or were, in a relationship, what would you do if you discovered you and your partner had conceived a child? A child is a beautiful gift and having one is a beautiful, albeit yucky, experience. We have already committed our lives to each other, and the joint effort of raising a third life is something we both look forward to. (Notice how I ended that sentence in a preposition?) If we conceived a child sooner than we planned or hoped, so be it. We would keep it and raise it, without a doubt. 7. If you could prevent your future child from inheriting one habit from yourself, what would you choose? Scratching my knuckles, tapping my foot, panicking, stressing over little things, being obsessive compulsive, being insecure, overeating, leaving the seat up, driving badly, chewing with my mouth open, whistling loudly... need I go on? 8. What is the difference between love and romance? Love is an emotion, the most exquisite, pleasurable, and sometimes painful of emotions. Romance is a potential means for expressing that emotion. And Jodi and shannon are wrong; both can endure. 9. What, do you think, is the most important thing about a mate in a romantic relationship? Honesty. 'Nuff said. 10. Do you feel that there are certain sacrifices that you must make when you are in a romantic relationship with another person? Of course, but they hardly feel like sacrifices when I'm making them for her. 11. Do you feel that partners in a relationship have certain obligations they should live up to? Of course. 12. What implicit agreements do you have with your partner that are so important that, if violated, would end the relationship? At first I was going to say Jodi's answer was accurate. And then I started thinking about it. On principle there are certain things that logically would end a relationship, things I would have always said would end any relationship I had. Examples are dishonesty, infidelity, and any form of abuse. But now that I'm actually in this relationship, the truth is I can't imagine leaving her for anything. No matter how badly she could hurt me going forward, I'd always try to make it work. I love her too damn much. There is nothing I can think of that would make me end this relationship. 13. What can someone do to you that would turn you on both physically or mentally? Sheesh, I get turned on when she brushes her teeth. I'm easy. What turns me on more than anything though is when she gets romantic and creative all at the same time. 14. What have you find out about what pleases you sexually and what was it that you have learned? Now that's a poorly constructed sentence if ever I saw one. I've learned a lot, and I confirmed what I always suspected: giving my partner pleasure is more pleasing to me than any form of physical pleasure I experience myself. 15. For seven million dollars, would you allow your lover to be kidnapped and held prisoner with no basic amenities, with no sexual or physical harm coming to them? That depends on how long the kidnapping lasts. For a few days, I'd agree to it if she was willing. I wouldn't do it for any longer than that. The possible effects that could have on her emotionally and psychologically are worth no amount of money. 16. What do you think you would be like if you were a member of the opposite sex? I'd have a vagina, but I'd be extremely hairy for a woman. 17. If, because of intolerance you were going to miss a chance of promotion at your work, would you lie about your religious beliefs? I'm not even sure what my religious beliefs are, so it depends on how much I'd make and what the repercussions would be. 18. What place do you believe religion has in this world? Without it the world would probably be a pretty boring place. More peaceful, but boring. 19. Do you believe you are a spiritual person? I don't know. 20. Do you believe in the traditional views of heaven, purgatory, and hell? No. Though truthfully I don't know what I believe anymore. 21. Have you had any sort of religious or supernatural experience? While splitting firewood in a reportedly haunted forest, a fact I didn't know until after my experience, I had the sensation I was being watched. When I glanced up at the truck I was driving, I saw a blue face in the rear-view mirror. It was gone in an instant, and I probably just imagined it because I was creeped out and alone in the woods. 22. If evidence found somehow that God did not exist, would you want to know this information? No, what you don't know can't hurt you. 23. Can you think of one single decision you made that changed the course of your life. Every decision has changed the course of my life. A decision I made last November has taken it down a road I thought I'd never see. Although that was contigent on her decision too. 24. In what way are you least understood? Only one person in the world truly knows me. The only other person who's even close to knowing me is my mom. Everyone else has misunderstood me at least once. For that matter, so have they. I'm complex, and I don't even fully understand myself. But how am I least understood? My emotions are least understood. But that's my own fault, because I got so used to hiding my emotions that now I don't know how to express them accurately. Sometimes I have to force myself to express something that's eating away at me, and I'm so used to repressing emotion that I tend to exaggerate when I do actually emote. As a result people read too much into what I'm thinking and feeling. 25. What is the one non-monetary thing that you most hope to obtain in life? Happiness. I've obtained it already, so now I'll settle for stability. 26. How well do you think others know you? I pretty much already answered this one, didn't I? The answer is not too well at all, but that's usually by my own choice. Some people know me better than others, the most observant and analytical people, but I'm a shadow to most people. I've only shown my innermost self to one person in this lifetime, and it took love to reveal that. 27. Do you think there are certain ways you could make your life easier? Yes, and I'm too lazy to list them out here. Suffice it to say that I'm working on all of them. 28. Have you ever dreamed about an event and found that it did happen later? Not that I recall. Unless you count erotic dreams... 29. Do you have any re-occurring images in any of your dreams? Only when I was little. I had reoccurring nightmares all the time. At some point my subconscious learned how to differentiate between reality and dream, and I conquered all those nightmares. The most common reoccurring images were a wicked brown rat and morphing black and white man that looked like Super Mario. 30. What are you most likely to fantasize about when you masturbate? Making love to a certain someone of course. 31. How many people do you feel are true friends that will be there for you regardless throughout your life? Excluding family, I'd say just one. And in the non-genetic sense she's family anyway. There might be a couple more. 32. Do you find it easy to admit when you are wrong? No, luckily I've never been wrong. Seriously though, I do have a hard time admitting I'm wrong. However, I tend to arrive at that conclusion much easier when disagreeing with my fiancee. I'm so whipped. 33. When delivering criticism, are you more tactful or direct? I'm honest to a fault. Brutally, blatantly honest. It gets me in trouble. 34. Does a good argument deal more with emotion or reason? I'm a man of logic, so the answer to that should be obvious. 35. Do you feel you are still in touch with today's youth, or do you feel you've aged? I'm so very old. However, I was never in touch with today's youth, even when I fit the category myself, so the point is moot. |
| He's back. And the bile is beginning to rise in the back of my throat. I thought I had seen the last of that loathsome creature. I figured he had flitted on to something or someone new. Likely he got bored stroking his ego and filling his emotional vapidness elsewhere so he's returned to a place where the prey is plentiful. I've met worse since, far far worse. In fact, he's tame by comparison. But my trust is something I give out grudgingly, and to pull the wool over my eyes for so long, hurting people who legitimately earned my trust, is not to be forgiven. On top of that he ruined the respect and trust I have for my own gender. He's forced me to be ever-vigilant and suspicious of people who probably don't deserve my scrutiny. He made me a cynic of people and affection. It took a soulmate to finally change that, and still the distrust lingers sometimes. In my entire life I've only ever hit a squirrel and a little turtle while driving. If history looks to repeat itself, my tires have plenty of room for another. In the meantime, I've learned the best way of dealing with someone despicable is simple avoidance. Leeches always find a host, whether I'm there to pull them off someone or not, so there's really no point in seeking them out. Even so, he's reinvading what's become familiar territory to me, and I know the headbutting and battle for male dominance is inevitable. Has anyone ever known me to keep my mouth shut when I feel strongly about someone/something? We'll collide no doubt, and I'll likely say something accurate and honest but regrettable. Maybe it'll make a scene, and maybe not, but my jaws are a steel trap, and I will not let go until he has to chew off his own leg to escape. |
| The following entry is boring as hell,and I wouldn't recommend reading it for entertainment value. I'm writing it only because I'm reaching a critical limit on the amount of emotion I can keep locked up, and so I need to write it out to relieve some pressure before I explode. I feel another temporary breakdown coming on. I'm fighting back the anxiety attack at work. I just took another post-it note and wrote down all my expenses again. Last time I did it I forgot a significant one and I didn't bother to write down periodic expenses like vet bills, car insurance bills, car repairs, etc. Basically I make exactly enough to cover all the monthly expenses, but with no room for savings or unforeseen expenses. And the expenses I factored in don't even include some student loans and a credit card that I'm going to have to continue not paying. I'm strapped and falling deeper into debt. Yesterday the suggestion was made to attend the 2006 Writing.com Convention. It'll cost me upwards of $2000 for the two of us when you factor in gas and spending money. There's no way I can save that between now and then, and yet I know I'll come up with the money somehow. I'll skip paying bills again and fall deeper in debt. I refuse to let her down. Just like I refuse to give up some hefty expenses because she/we need them. And I don't expect a second income to enter the household for several months at least. So then, what can I do? I can't get a second job because the nature of this job dictates I be available evenings and weekends just in case I'm needed. I can't trim any of my expenses except by not eating out and skipping lunch while I'm at work, two things I need to improve upon. Ultimately we need to find a different apartment I'm afraid. I can throw and sell most of my stuff away so we can fit everything into a single bedroom place. I could get two bedroom apartments for half as much in north county, but I fail all the credit checks they run up there so I'm limited to places rented by friends of the family. I need a plan, somehow. I need to curb my expenses and make some extra cash. I'll list some ideas out here just so I have something to look at and remind myself:  I have to stop eating lunch. It's a huge expense. Yes, there will be hunger pains at first, but in a week or so I'll get used to it. I've done it before and I can do it again. Vet bills are getting worse and worse. It's probably time I find another home for Zeus. I simply can't afford him anymore. I can't do the same for Clyde because he needs surgery on his leg first. He's crippled right now. As much as it pains me, I'll have to tell my parents the surgery is their responsibility. If they won't pay for it, I'll pay the fee to have him put to sleep. Ask my father to start looking for a cheaper apartment. He has connections, and any place advertised publicly around here will be doing a credit check, something I know I'll fail because I already have with another apartment. I know it will have to be a single bedroom, but I really don't need so much stuff, and Jodi's stuff fit into a single-bedroom just fine before. I think I could make some extra cash on eBay selling some of my stuff. I've got books and swords and collectibles and games and poker stuff and DVDs. There's even some furniture that I'll have to get rid of anyway. I thought about taking $50 and rebuying into some online poker. I cashed out all my winnings a couple months ago to make payments, but maybe it's time I reinvest and start playing every night. I know I can make a modest profit in the long run, but I'm concerned about hitting a streak of horrible luck and losing the whole $50. Fifty dollars really isn't enough to accommodate the swings of limit poker. My cellphone is on my parents and sister's family plan. I'm going to stop contributing my third of the bill. If I'm removed from the plan or it gets cancelled, so be it. I lived 25 years of my life without a cellphone. The person I called 90% of the time lives with me now anyway. Maybe I should start using Jodi's car to get to work. It's just sitting there, and the gas mileage it gets is significantly better than what my van gets. Of course I need her input on that one (as well as several of the others). Keep careful record of every bit of cash I spend. I think I lose a good portion of my cash to daily expenses that I could cut back on. Doing so won't improve my situation because my calculations were based on my entire pay, not what I leave in my checking account. It will, however, insure I'm able to make all my monthly payments (except for the couple I have no way to pay). I need to start looking for flexible ways to make some extra cash. If my father's selling firewood on a weekend, maybe I can help for a few extra bucks. That sort of thing. I can wear some clothes a few times before I wash them. Before you laugh, I'm serious. Sweatpants, T-shirts, underwear, socks, pants... I can wear them a few times before they need to be washed. It'll save some bucks on the electric bill by reducing the laundry load. Let my W.com Premium membership run out and/or attempt to maintain it via earned GPs. The Premium is costing me $50 every three months, and it's really an unnecessary expense. I hardly write anything now anyway. Think about looking for a new job in Albany. The commute would suck, I most likely wouldn't like the job nearly as much as I like this one, job security would be tenuous, but I'd make significantly more money. At this point that really seems like the best option, even though it's something I really don't want to do.I guess that's enough for now. It's lunch time so I'm heading out. I'm not going to eat anything. I'm just going to park the van somewhere and relax. I need some time out of this building to reflect and possibly get the courage to do some of these things. |
| This afternoon at work I was idle and ahead of schedule so I took out some paper and plotted out all my expenses. I suddenly realized that I make pretty much exactly the right amount to cover all my bills with about $50 leftover on a monthly basis. This means I'm going to go on being strapped for cash for months to come. Worse than that it means I still can't pay off the credit card I've never made a payment on or the hospital bills that piled up after my accident. I wonder when they'll finally take me to court. It also means I have no way to save for a wedding. This hopeless feeling of just staying afloat isn't going to go away. In fact it's permanent. At the rate of things right now I'm never going to get ahead. How can I make so much damned money and be so broke? Granted some of these bills will go away as I pay off loans/credit cards, but the loans have lots of payments left on them, and I'm barely hitting any of the principal on the credit cards. I also found out my bonus is going to be a lot less than I planned on. I'm getting awarded the percentage based on my previous pay rate, which is significantly lower than what I've been making since my promotion. So the bonus will be lower, and it's already going to surgeries for my two dogs. You know I've been pushed to my limits when I'm actually considering having my dogs put to sleep to save lots of money. I don't know if I could give that order, but I'm leaning that way right now. And I hate myself for it. |
| 1. one of your scars, how did you get it? I scratch my knuckles vigorously, often until they bleed. Only the first knuckle on my two middle fingers mind you. It's a nervous habit, and quite often I don't even know I'm doing it. When I'm stressed out the scars will be pronounced and probably bloody. 2. what is on the walls in your room? Nothing. We haven't been able to hang anything up yet. 3. what does your cell phone look like? It looks remarkably like a cellphone. What an assasine question... I hope this gets better. 4. what music do you like to listen to? The kind they play on the radio 5. do you know what time you were born? The wrong time no doubt 6. what do you want more than anything right now? Stability 7. what do you miss? Stability 8. what is your most prized possession? The things I value the most in life are not possessions, so I honestly have no idea. Perhaps my katana or my computer. 9. what is your favorite smell? The smell of shrimp scampi simmering on the stove top. 10. do you get claustrophobic? Yes, I'm afraid of Santa Clause. I'm also afraid of being confined in small places with him. 11. do you get scared in the dark? Only if there could be something hiding in the dark that's scare-worthy. 12. number twelve is missing! i'll insert a question of my own: what does [insert name of w.com counterpart] have that you don't? Patience 13. what is your favorite cologne/perfume? My nose stopped functioning ages ago. Blame on too much methane exposure. Jodi got me some cologne for Christmas though. Preferred Stock I think it's called, and I actually like it. 14. what kind of hair do you like on the opposite sex? Long and wavy. 15. where can you see yourself being proposed to at? I'm the one doing the proposing. And in front of the Christmas tree of course. 16. coffee or energy drinks? Quite simply:  17. what is your favorite pizza topping? Pepperoni 18. if you can eat anything right now, what would it be? Two large pepperoni pizzas. I use food to deal with stress, and right now I could deepfry a rhino. 19. who is the last person that made you annoyed? The applications analyst in the cubicle next to me. 20. do you speak a different language? What a boring question... 21. what was the first gift someone ever gave you (of the opposite sex)? My mother gave me the gift of life. 22. missing question! replacement: what is an observation that you're relatively sure no one but you has ever made before? shannon must be delusional to think either of the Mowry twins is pretty 23. missing question! make a snide remark to a known reader without naming him or her. May your genitals wither and die before ever spreading your loathsome seed 24. missing question! what would you download if you had over a hundred free itunes at your disposal? Music 25. missing question! insert your own question, and answer it here. ummmm...what would you ask me, if you knew i had to answer? Can anyone decipher this pronoun ambiguity? 27. missing question (last one)! what name would you give your child, if there were no danger of negative connotations? Anyone who has read this blog knows the answer to that question. 28. Would you fall in love knowing that the person is leaving? Love is beyond our control. 29. What is the best way to tell someone how much they mean to you? I often find that tactile expression is far more expressive than anything else. 30. say a number from one to a hundred. 3 31. blondes or brunettes? Blondes 32. what is the one number you call often? Jodi's old phone number. Now I call no number often. 33. what annoys you most? Cassanovas 34. have you been out of your country? Does Canada count? 35. your weaknesses? A lack of motivation... hence the reason I'm abandoning this survey right now. There are many more questions, but let's face it people, this survey sucks ass. Screw it... Oh fine, I'll finish it but I'm skipping all the cruddy questions... 38. ever done a prank call? No, but I've done prank answerings. 40. If you could get plastic surgery what would it be? A horrible case of antecedent misuse. 41. Why did you fill out this survey? Because I'm a trend whore, and I'm excruciatingly bored. 42. What do you get complimented about most? Sucks that I actually have to think hard about this one huh? 44. What do you want for your birthday? Have I mentioned stability yet? 45. How many kids do you want? Exactly as many as we're meant to have. 46. Were you named after anyone? You already know the answer to this. 48. What's your favorite figure? What the hell...  Figure 8's are good I guess. 49. When did you last cry? Last Friday. Thank goodness for dark backseats. 51. What is your favorite lunch meat? Turkey 54. if you were another person, would you be friends with you? What a dumb question... shannon actually used the word "wicked" here though. Excellent. 57. How do you release anger? You're supposed to release it? My Vulcan brothers have some explaining to do. 59. Do you trust others easily? I trust only people that are trustworthy. I always know who those people are pretty quickly. But in summation: no. 60. What was your favorite toy as a child? Wow, Mia actually had a good answer here. 63. Do you use sarcasm? What do you think? 65. What do you look for in a guy/girl? I don't look for anything. I stopped looking months ago when I found her. 68. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No. I think this survey has lowered my IQ at least 6 points. 70. what's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookies and Cream 72. What are your favorite colors? Green and black 74. Who do you miss most right now? Jodi's around all the time now, so the only one left to miss is my grandfather. And I do everyday. 75. Do you want everyone to answer these questions? No, reading as many journal entries with this as I already did was mind-numbing enough. God, look at the construction of that sentence. The proof is in the pudding. 93. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Yes, thank goodness she wasn't. 95. Kisses or hugs? Both for Jodi. None for everyone else. 96. Relationships or one-night stands? One relationship 98. how many people have you macked it with in the past year? Macked? I'm soooo out of the loop. 100. Where do you work? At a desk |
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Tooo rich...Love the tale....Would make a great comic for a local newspaper!!