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 |  I wonder if this'll make any sense at all. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Thanks tirong  ! Asteg ehhh :)We all need to vent once in a while. Thank you for listening. Check out the Blogging Newsletter!
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| Sometimes I feel like I am a huge ball of rolling emotions. One moment I'm happy, the next I'm sad. One minute it's okay and then the next minute I am crying my eyes out, feeling absolutely lonely. I was talking to my coworker Dave a couple of days ago and he told me that after over a year of living in this country, he still prefers back home. He told me he even cried when he reached his three-month stint here because he got too lonely. He said that everything would be okay, that I would get used to things, that I would find everything much easier as soon as I settle in and get myself couple of good friends. He then added that he also left a girlfriend back home, and that they're still together up to this time. That really lifted my spirits up, cause not being able to be together physically with R for over two months now is almost driving me insane. So Dave's words kinda took off the damp mood that day. I don't even know why he told me all those things. It's not like I'm walking around depressed or something, but I guessed that he somehow sensed those things. He's a cute kid, a flirt, too, but thankfully sometimes he says just the right things.  For a couple of days now my other coworker Dennis has been trying to get me to go with him downtown or to the mall or something. He's gay and he's really fun to be with but something in me just don't want to go. It's like I don't even have the energy to socialize after work hours, cause work takes too much of my strength. That sounds absolutely stupid, eh? But it's true. Plus, I know we don't have the same interests. He wants to go shopping and I hate shopping when I don't have the money. Then my other gay coworker (and second cousin, we just found out yesterday, but it's a long story) told me that we should go to this and that sometimes to see guys. Then they went on and on about clubbing and one night stands and big thingies. Oh please. Sometimes I feel so alien in this country. They asked me back then what my interests are, and after I did they just kinda stared at me blankly. I can't help it if I like music, arts, the likes. Maybe I need to find people with the same interests as mine. I am so used to having a lot of friends that it's really hard sometimes. Maybe I need to go out more, but the question is, where? More importantly, with who? With them? What, to go clubbing and to have one-night stands and to see big thingies???! To top things off, my roaming service just went bust.  I must sound like a broken record with all my dramas and complaints and whines of loneliness. I know I should learn to adjust but God knows it's really hard. People back home keep telling me to hang in there, to work hard, to save, so I can go back when I finally can. But I ask myself, when the time comes that I have to go back here, what then? Am I only working to be able to go back home, just for a couple of months or weeks and then I'll come back absolutely broke and the whole thing starts all over again? I've been reading your blogs, just wasn't leaving any comments. It's hard to comment on somebody else's life when your own is one big ?. |
I'm feeling way better.  Too long of a story, but as always, it's God who I have to thank for everything. Now I realize, that ever since I arrived in this country, I haven't said a single nice thing about Canada. But I remember that day, when I was walking down this one road, and I was looking at all the dry trees and suddenly I just smiled and I said to myself, 'it's beautiful.' Last week was so nice, with the temperature shooting up to the twenties. I loved it. It was a reminder of home. I got the feeling of home. Even if I am far away from it. And yesterday when I was walking home, I passed this mini-park thingy and saw bright yellow flowers scattered all over the grass. I looked up and saw that the trees were turning to different colors. The sky was so blue, with the sun warming my face. I even avoided a horde of mosquitoes. I instantly considered taking a few pictures but sadly, I didn't. Maybe next time. There's a lot of things I don't like about Canada, but well, this country's not so bad  I'm going to be baker at work next week. I might be working the whole week, with no off days. It's gonna be exhausting, so pray for me Now, if you'll excuse me, R just went online bye! |
| I was looking at my hands this morning and noticed that they looked like a pair that should be coming from an old woman's arms. The skin was drawn, tired, dry. The cold weather's mostly to blame (or me, for not wearing any gloves or putting on any lotion) and work's partly to blame too cause I do a lot of hard cleaning stuff and sometimes I have to get out into the cold to do whatever job I have to do. I get lonely sometimes. I'm with my family and work's okay and a lot of times I feel alright but sometimes, just sometimes, I can't help but feel down. This past week my parents haven't exactly been getting along and that has affected me a lot. I mentioned that work's okay but there are times when I encounter some situations (or people) that make me feel bad, or put me down, or just plain shoot my confidence down. And see I'm not used to that. So that affects me a lot, too. I guess it's my fault for thinking too highly of myself back then. I don't like criticisms but it especially hurts (and really annoying) when I know that they are the ones who's wrong, and this time the "thinking-too-highly" of myself thingy does not apply. I guess I just have to get over it and move on. Problem is, I don't recover that fast, even from little things. I hate to admit this but sometimes I am inclined to keep a grudge, maybe even unconsciously. Last night I worked until eleven pm cause one of my co-workers' not feeling too well. I am a little sick too and by six o 'clock I wanted to go home, but I toughed it out and stayed. Did I mention how much I need to earn? I have a lot of fixed expenses and I haven't even been here for two months! And don't get me wrong, cause I'm not the spendy type. I didn't even buy anything when my first paycheck came. All went straight to the bank (after I gave something to Papa and Mama) and by my second paycheck the only things I bought were: an anti-dandruff shampoo (cause my hair's turning really gross) and an anti-fungal cream (cause the allergy on my foot's been acting up again). By my third paycheck I have given much more to the house since Maricor's going to school now and can't work that much, so I have to help out with the expenses much, much more. I've also bought a 799 dollar Compaq Presario computer, cause the one they gave us when we got here just wouldn't do. We wanted to be able to talk with Ate and family back home on the internet cause it's free, and with the old computer we couldn't do that cause the thing had no sound card. Now our computer's looking pretty good and the best thing is we are now able to talk with my sister for hours, for free, everyday. And hey, this is payable within 24 months E bugged me about getting a cellphone too, and finally we got a couple's plan for like 80 bucks a month. That means we each give forty dollars, and that's okay. We've heard that there's people out there saying, "Why did they even buy a cellphone? They have no friends here!" you know, the rude kind. It stings a little but I'm sure I'll get over it. So far my biggest expense is the dentist. When I first came to them they told me that they will continue to treat my braces for 2,800 dollars. They said they normally do it for 4K but since I already have them on then that price will do. By my second appointment they changed all the rubber on the brackets, but on my third appointment they removed my braces. They said they had to, cause the bands were broken and stuff. Brian, the hygienist, did my cleaning and that hurt so bad. He said that my gums were infected and that we have to take care of it immediately. They also found two cavities, and by my next appointment they will take care of that. When it was paying time they were asking me for 289 dollars, 189 for the cleaning and 100 for the xrays and the other stuff done for the new braces they were going to put on me. I complained a little bit so they waved the hundred dollars and only asked me a 120 for the cleaning. Then they informed me that each of my cavities would cost me 92 dollars, so that's almost two hundred bucks. Then they also informed that I have FOUR wisdom teeth, which they will need to remove before I get my new braces, and they told me that that will cost A LOT, too. And all of that's beside the 2,800 dollars we all agreed upon. By that time I was feeling pretty faint. And sick. I don't know how I can ever manage, but I'm deciding not to worry. Worrying doesn't help, certainly. I'll try to get a dental benefit from work but I don't know if that will work out since one of my supervisors said that I need to be working there for a year before they can give me one. Thank God I have my family to keep me up. They keep me strong in the Lord, and despite all my sins and flaws I know that He's always there for me. Like my Papa said, He didn't send us here for us to suffer. Things may be tough at first, but realizing how much we've gone through already, I know that we'll get by. He'll get us by. He always does. |
| I'm so tired. I was happy until about ten minutes ago. I just lost my best friend. And I don't think it's fixable. |
I've gone over on everyone's blogs in my favorites list and I realized that I seriously need to update that thing. Not to chuck anyone off, but others haven't been blogging for months now, and Wolfedale  has completely left.  It makes me so sad. Seems like everything is changing, but unfortunately, I don't feel like they're for the better. It makes me so sad that I am not able to visit you guys regularly like I used to. I miss all of you. I treasure the friendships I have made here and they are not things I take lightly. That's why I feel awful if I stay away too long.When I look at the blog page, I see lots of new people... or are they new just to me because I've been gone for so long? That's the sucky part about being out of the loop I miss a lot of opportunities to meet lots of new great friends. And the friends I have made here, I miss the online banters, if I may call them that. I'm not even sure if things will ever be the same again Today is my mother's birthday (she's 55 today) and tonight we'll be having a little get-together for the family. The whole move went okay, it was soooo tiring, but at least we're on our own now. I'll write about the joys of being on our own on my next entry... when I'm feeling a whole lot better. Yes, I feel awful again. Physically. Everything was well this morning, I even cooked after talking for an hour on the phone with R (it's our 6th month together) and was feeling pretty swell. But after taking a bath suddenly my back and hips just started hurting and then I couldn't move. It was like being paralized, there was too much pain. I cried and cried and cried... my dad was here, E and Ma was not so he prayed for me. He talked to me in encouraging words and when Ma arrived they both prayed for me and told me not to be scared... I was scared. So after massaging my back with therapeutic oil I prayed and slept. I feel much better now, though the pain is not all gone, but it will soon, I know. At least I can move and walk now, unlike earlier. The thing is, that pain made me realize a lot of things... and doesn't pain always do that to you? When everything's swell and okay, we tend to ignore stuff, but when we're in agony, we have all the time to think things through... and realize the wrongs. Pray for me... for us. Thank you. |
I just got home from work and I have lots of stuff to do (Number one: PACK) but that can be dealt with later. We're moving tomorrow into out new apartment and I just want to share my excitement with you guys. The best part about it is that starting tomorrow, I CAN EAT DINNER WHENEVER I WANT TO. It's hard cause sometimes I want to eat at like 5 o'clock but everyone eats here at around seven or eight. I know I can eat something before that if I get really hungry but it's hard to sleep on a full stomach. It's like I can't breathe  Speaking of not breathing, I haven't exactly felt a hundred percent this past week. I'm always tired, and cold, and my whole body always aches, and one little move is like so hard for me to do. We all talked about it last night and came to the conclusion that besides being exhausted from work, I haven't exactly worn the right clothes. I'm not a warm-blooded person (at all) and they discovered that the clothes I've been wearing whenever I was outside isn't enough to keep me warm. So today I wore like three jackets, three pants, and boots. It was so heavy but at least it shielded me off of the cold. We also went to Downtown Toronto yesterday, me, my sister, and our co-worker, Lynne. She's really nice, she's also also a Filipina and she was the one who trained us. She's been here at Canada for like ten years already and she said she knows what it feels like to be new and to not have that much friends yet. Work is exhausting but fun, almost all of us there are from the Philippines (even the manager and supervisors are all Filipinos) and we only have like 8 Canadians in our staff. Oh, and one Chinese guy. Everyone's really nice and fun, so it's all good... except that it's really, really, really tiring. But did you know that since I came in here I gained 7 pounds? I'd show you some pictures in a sec... my cheeks have become so fat! (Not that it wasn't fat before, but still) |
| I know I haven't been around for so long, and I've neglected everything in this site, and I'm sorry about that. I feel awful because I haven't been able to visit you guys for the longest time, but maybe next week. We're finally moving to our own place next week It's a small apartment, but it'll do. We have been staying at my aunt and uncle's place since we came to this country, and they have been the loveliest people. But it's time to move out and start on our own! Anyway, I just wanted to wish you guys a Happy Easter. This is an awesome day, the resurrection of our Lord Jesus! To think that He died for me... and I know, that even if I am the only rotten one in this world? He still would've sacrificed Himself just to save me. ME. I don't deserve it, but because of God's undying mercy and grace, I am saved. I am eternally grateful.  God bless you all! |
| The last week has been totally busy and stressful, and I wanted to blog like three days earlier, cause three days earlier I was so mad, and pissed off, and bitter. I think it was on Wednesday when my mom told me that the school board here in Canada is requiring me to go back to high school. High School! See, my mom and E went to the board to check if E still has to go back to school, and it turned out that she 'lacks' 16 units or something like that, so she has to go back for 1 and a half year more. E's fine with it and everything, so that's okay. She wants to go to college here and she can't if they don't give her a high school diploma. So on April 20 she's going back to school somewhere on Sherborne. So I get home from work and find out that my mother mentioned my case to the counselor at the school board. Here's the deal: if I go back to high school this April, I only have to go for 6 months. If I don't do it this April, and decide later on that I want to go to school after all, I have to do it for two years! They base it on a one-year expiration length from the month I graduated. I finished all my requirements last year August but on my diploma it says I graduated May. So we have to base it on the month of May. What pisses me off is that they don't credit the education of other countries. I don't know if they'll do the same if I graduated from Oxford or Harvard, but apparently discrimination is alive and well. They don't even care that I'm a college graduate already, they still want me to go back to stupid high school and take, what? ESL??? Even the guidance counselor disapproves of the system. He told my mom that he doesn't agree with it cause it's like degrading other countries' standards of education. But that's the law, he said. And there's nothing we can do about it. He even told my mom that a lot of other Filipinos (or Latins, Africans, etc.) totally freak out when they find out that they have to go back to school. One even locked herself up in her room for two weeks because of depression. I mean, they go to this country, expecting great things and lots of opportunities, but what do they find out? Companies here just don't accept anyone, especially those without "Canadian experience" or "Canadian college/university education" They don't care if you're a graduate or even a scholar from another country. They must think that our education isn't enough, therefore making us stupid. The counselor also said that teachers over here always surprised by how smart Filipinos really are. One teacher even asked a student, "where did you learn that?" and the Pinoy said, "Back home. From the Philippines." The teacher just looked surprised and said, "Oh." Aw c'mon! I want to get a better job someday, I do. And everyone's saying that I can't if I don't get myself a college education here. They say you're stuck at 8 dollars per hour if you're only a high school graduate. I don't even have a stupid high school certificate here yet. Grr. I'm exhausted at work. I don't want to go back to school. For the meantime I want to earn, save up, and help my family. I'm not even sure if I can save up, I mean I only earn 8 bucks per hour and I just went to the dentist this last Monday to inquire about my braces? He said that it would cost me 2,800 dollars. My gums are swelling up and I have to go back to treatment real soon. Hayyyy So as you can imagine, I'm still mulling things over. I have an appointment with the counselor this Monday at Bathurst to talk things over. I hope I'll have some good news when I get back. |
| Have you ever thought about how hard it is to organize thoughts? Just like now. It's like I want to write about the million things that's popping in my head but I don't know where to start. Maybe it would be easier if I just use Scarlett  's rule of 5. Forget about the million. Let's see if 5 would do.1. My aunt said that there's a lot of depressed people in this country. I thought that in every country there are lots of depressed people anyway but riding the subway today made me think that maybe this country does have more of the depressed. Just my observation. 2. My dad's usually always smiling at people even when he doesn't realize that he's doing it. He was doing that today and there's this Canadian woman that met eyes with him and gave him the look that said, "What a freak." Maricor and I tried to restrain our giggles when we tried to tell him, "Stop smiling!" 3. Have you ever watched Resident Evil? That's the movie flashing on my mind when we were going from station to station. I felt like everybody in there were zombies or something. I don't know, they way they looked just seemed to scream, "NO LIFE!" Again, just my observation. 4. I came to realize that Koreans are absolutely EVERYWHERE. They seem to be invading the planet, you know? Back in the Phi you'll spot a Korean every five minutes. Here you'll spot one every three. 5. Soooo... someone DID smile at Papa today. I think that was at Bathurst Station or something. Thing is, that someone looked like a hooker.  Got my SIN or Social Insurance Number today. I can't believe I've only been here for a week and 5 days. It feels a lot longer. |
Darn it, I missed my 1st Blog Birthday. Z.˚rz had his a couple of days ago and that was the one that reminded me to check. Well, I'm like 23 days late. So Belated Happy Blog Birthday to me!  I did my first solo flight today in this country and I feel victorious I got up at 6 this morning for my 8 am shift at work. Speaking of work, my back hurts right now cause I'm not used to standing that long (plus making coffee and serving stuff and punching in stuff, etc.) I also missed my first bus this morning so I had to walk all the way to Brownsline and that sucked. Then when I was on my way home I missed the bus again for only a couple of seconds so I had to wait like thirty minutes for the next one. I could've walked, but I was too tired and it was freaking cold... for me. Canadians probably thought it was hot today. Go figure  Before I left the Philippines I got international roaming on my cell phone but when I arrived here I only have incoming calls and messages, but I don't have outgoing. Meaning I can't text or call anyone. That sucks, right? So the whole time I've been texting everybody back home from the computer. Thing is I can't reply to any message I receive when I'm not home. Grr that frustrates me a lot. I have to get a new phone and sim card in here... tirong 's girlfriend suggests Rogers R still texts me even when I can't reply; he knows I'm at training anyway. I was watching instructional CDs this morning when my phone beeped and it was him. He told me where he was and what he was doing, stuff like that. Minutes later I received a message from him again and all it said was "I love you babe." It made me smile. He tells me he loves me everytime but the simplicity of that single message thrilled me. Geek, I know. We talk on the phone and on messenger all the time too, whenever our schedules permitted it. My family and I keep contact with Ate Grace back home through the messenger, too. It does calls now, right, so we talk for like 2 hours through the microphone and all of it is free. I love it how I see them through webcam, too... my nephew Nate dances the Itaktak Mo (popular thing back home) all the time and that cracks us all up. Happy Birthday Kuya Dags!    Advance Happy BIrthday Nate!    |
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