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Somedays I write about all I give to life, other days I write about nothing in particular. |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I am still all the things I was before, in "Invalid Item"  , only now I'd like to think I'm better at this journaling thing. I guess we'll see.Here goes nothing.... If you want to read this journal/blog in its entirety, you'll have to be a member, as I have a lot of the meaty entries set to members and above. |
Had my "Life Recovery" meeting this morning and presented my loss graph. It was exhausting, but crying always is, and then paired with input from others that makes you think just makes it all the more exhausting. As hard as it is, I know that its a good thing for me right now--digging into the core of me and my thoughts & feelings more than I've done in a long time--if ever. I'm starting to see myself in a new light, starting to see how the events of my life (good & bad) have formed me into who I am and how I react now. It's really eye opening. The hardest thing is allowing myself to actually feel. I've been a stuffer (of emotions) for as long as I can remember and so trying to change that habit has been really interesting. I feel so emotional sometimes I can't even put a finger on what I'm feeling, it just feels like huge glob of emotions stuck together. Why must self-help be so difficult?!  Kera came home today, its good to have her here. She's such a little giver. She went to McDonalds with Papa on the way down and the toy she got from the happy meal was a couple of little bracelets. Well, she was playign with them and Lindsay wanted one and started to cry and throw a fit because Kera wouldnt share her brand new toys. Well, Kera went over to her, asked "Which one do you want?" and then after Lindsay had chosen, gave it to her and said something else to the tune of "you can't have it forever, just to play with". There is NO WAY that LIndsay would do that with any new toy, its amazing to me how different they can be from each other. You know that scripture that talks about being like the little children? Kera sharing her new bracelet is exactly what that is talking about. I want to be like that! I am tired, so I'm going to go have a cup of tea with my wonderful husband now.  |
| I'm one child down this week. My mom-in-law was staying here over the weekend while she took a painting class, and on Sunday when she left, she took Kera home with her. Papa wanted her to "steal a baby" and I let her. I'm not really sure when she'll be back, before Saturday for sure, but otherwise nothing is set. I'm enjoying my freedom during the day while Lindsay is at school. Yesterday I had a leisurely run after I took L to the bus stop. Then I sat and drank tea while reading and doing a little surfing. Then I showered and did errands. It was so peaceful doing the grocery shopping all alone--I didn't have anyone to battle with or try to carry while I pushed the cart. I also didn't come home with any random junk food. Then, today, I spent some time with a friend in the morning, which was fun. I came home ate lunch and then washed the windows. I hate washing the windows, but I dont think it had been done for years, so I buckled down and took advantage of my kid-less-ness and did it. I tried one of those spray things since some of our windows are so tall, it would be humanly impossible for me to reach them, even with a ladder or long squiegee. The spray stuff worked alright...it dries kind of spotty and streaky, but the windows look better than when I started, so it'll have to do. I feel very productive, now. I need to go re-arrange Lindsay's room and start the process of cleaning out my closet.  Maybe, just maybe, if I get most of my "work" done, I'll be able to relax and do something fun one of these free days... |
| Just popping by to make note of my survival. I am amazed at how busy I can continue to be when I dont even have a job! Well, any other stay at home moms knows that I do have a job, its just not outside the home. Its crazy how fast the days speed by, how little I get done and how fast out schedule fills up. I'm enjoying it, though, that is for sure, and my family is, too. Erik is gone again this weekend. This time its to St Anthony's to ride on the sand dune one last time for the season. So its just me and the girls. Eriks mom is staying here whiel she takes a painting class down in Florence, but I'm not sure how much she'll actually be here. Just got a call from my nephew's school, he's sick and grandparents are no where to be found, so auntie kendra to the rescue... Have a good one. |
Today my sister is having her c-section. Hopefully I'll get to be in the room with her and my mom. If so, I'll be the camera-woman. Otherwise, I'll just greet my new baby nephew, Amari, when he arrives.  I am excited! |
| Well, here I am. I finally have a moment, to sit and relax a bit and get an entry in here. I have a feeling that this could become a more commonly occuring thing, now that we're settling into our school schedule. I even feel somewhat calm today, making it possible to actually get a coherent thought out of my brain. I haven't really been calm before this though. And its still not solid, like at any moment some little thing could go wrong and break through the dam holding me steady. I've been an emotional wreck this week, and for what reason? Simply because I sent Lindsay off to Kindergarten. Seriously, though, it is the hardest thing I've had to do with her so far in her short little life. Tuesday was the first day of school for the district, but the little ones just did an hour into/parent orientation thing. We got to meet her teacher and see her classroom, drop off supplies, take a little tour of the other important places (bathroom, library, lunchroom, gym, "scary circle" aka parent drop off area, etc) and fill out some paperwork. It was a good intro. Lindsay didn't cry or anything, but I did.  Because our district went to full day kindergarten this year, they added 2 new kindergarten teachers this year, which is 2 more classes than they had before and adds a bunch of logistical stuff. LIke, the two pre-existing kindergarten classrooms are right in the front of the school, near the office, and really easy to find. The two new ones are not. And the area where the busses drop off kids is totally different from where they have to line up to go in hwne the bell rings. I was having a heck of a time figuring out where she'd get off the bus and how to get to line up, etc, and it was stressing me out. I was angry that I didn't understand, because how can I show Lindsay if I dont know! So, I stayed to ask the teacher (who I like, I think she's perfect for that class) and I started to cry when I was talking to her. I felt like a total dweeb, but she was cool. Then after we figured out that stuff,she looked at Lindsay, who was playing with something and said, "She'll do fine" and I said, "Yeah, SHE will". So that was day #1. Day #2 dawned on Wednesday and Lindsay had wanted to ride the bus to/from school and we figured she might as well start on her first day. The bus stop is really close to our house, a short walk, so Kera and I walked her down there. I was nervous, but put on a strong front for her. She was brave and got on the bus, no crying or anything. We waved to her from the stop as she pulled away. Then, on the walk home, Kera starts crying, "I want my Lindsay". And its all I could do to keep myself from all out balling, too. It was hard sending her on that bus, and trusting that she's old enough and independent enough to know what to do when it drops her off at school! That is a huge stretch for my brain right now. I've been doing so much for her, and with her, and now its time to let go a little and let her be independent and its really hard for me! I didn't get any calls from the school, so I figured she was doing good on her first day. I walked down to the bus stop to pick her up in the afternoon. She was all smiles getting out, but as she ran to me, I could see her resolve crumble. She cried in my arms and could hardly catch her breath. I asked her why she was crying. "Because I wanted you". Oh man. I cried a little, again. As we walked home we talked about school, and it turns out that the day went pretty good. She's not in love with school, but I think once she starts making friends and feeling comfortable, she'll like it. She did get lost once she got off the bus, and ended up crying, but some adult/teacher found her and took her to her classroom. It turns out that somedays the bus gets there late, after teh bell has rung, and instead of lining up outside, the kids then need ot just go to their classrooms. I hadn't coached her on that! *sigh*. Last night she didnt' want to ride the bus again, and I was this close to letting her just hitch a ride with me, but Erik thought otherwise. He thought that if we give in to her now, she'll never ride it and she'll learn that if she freaks out, we'll do what she wants. He also thinks that if she can push through this hard situation, she'll be more secure and happier as a result. I pray he's right. I listened to him and walked her back down to the bus this morning. She is so brave. I could tell she was sort of nervous, but she got on that bus so well. We talked to another little girl who is also in kindergaarten and her older sister before they got on the bus, and I think Lindsay may have her first friend and someone to help her find her way a little when she gets to school. She's been there for 30 minutes so far and no phone calls, so I'm hoping she's doing okay. So, I'm not as emotional today as yesterday, but I have to stay busy. If I stop and think about how big my girl is gettting, I get a little choked up. I'm sure in a couple weeks I'll be fine and just enjoy the fact that she's not here to fight with her sister but for now, I'm moody mommie... |
I haven't been here much, but I'm beginning to notice that most of the folks I know haven't been here much ,either. Some of my favorite blogs haven't been updated in like 60 to 90 days!  Where has everyone gone? I hope its just summer vacation and that we'll all be back come fall and school starting... Did I mention Lindsay starts Kindergarten this fall, as in, the school season that starts in like a week & a half? Crazy!!!!! I can't believe she's that old. It's gone by so quickly. I'm looking forward to it being just Kera & I this school year--I need to get some quality time in with her before she zooms off to school too! Anyway, I hope all my absent w.com friends are well...Rest assured, I am well, just busy trying to wring whats left of summer for all its worth! |
| its hot. I know its hotter in other more unlucky places, but it is still hot here, too. Since we were gone until today, our home has been shut up all week and was a balmy 84degrees when we got home today. I think its 83 now. blah. |
| We're going camping, we're going camping...(imagine me singing that in a high pitched teasing tone.) Just for one night, but the girls are still estatic about it. They just love being outdoors... We haven't decided where exactly we'll go, but it's probably going to either be down by Como Lake or over in Rock Creek, both of which are absolutely great (and probably filled with mosquitos already). I think I'm liking this "not working" thing.... |
Whew. Its Monday again, how did that happen?  My life has been an utter whirlwind lately, let's see if I can summarize for your reading pleasure.Last week (Wednesday & Thursday) was Lindsays last day of preschool and then Kera's last day of daycare. The preschool didn't bother me too much, even though she loved it and the teachers were great, we didn't really "connect" with either the kids or the parents or teachers, so I felt okay about her moving on. Besides, starting kindergarten (full time even!) in the fall is just too exciting for me to be sad about the finish of preschool. The finish of daycare was another story, however. It didn't really hit me until I went to pick Kera up, and then when we had to take all her artwork down and make sure I got her blanket and all her papers it was real. They made her a little scrapbook with pictures of her throughout her stay there (we're talking 3 years here) and when I went through it with her in the car I started to cry. I've been taking my girls to that daycare for a better portion of four years--thats a huge amount of time when you consider I've only been a mom for five years! I really like the owners and there have been some staff thats been there a good majority of those 4 years, too, so it was really hard to say goodbye. I know, I know, I'm weird. I should be really excited to be a stay at home mom this summer, and I am, its just sort of bittersweet. That's all. So that made Friday our official beginning of "summer break". Which was nice. I did a lot of cleaning, let the girls sleep in and play and then packed a lunch and hoofed it down the street to our neighborhood spray park. Its been like 80's here, which is really way too warm for June, so I was looking forward to the spray. We got there to discover that it was broken and there was no spray.  The girls enjoyed eating lunch in the grass (why does a sandwich taste so much better when eaten in a park?) and swinging a bit before we headed home to turn on our own spraypark. I think the girls ended up spending most of their free time in the plastic pool or spraying each other this weekend. Saturday morning I took the girls and met a friend (Jenn) at the Farmers Market. It was a nice morning--there were a ton of people there and the fresh coffee & cinnamon roll are always nice. I got some fresh rhubarb so I could make another pie (which I did last night, each crust gets a little better ). I'm seriously thinking aobut planting some below my deck in my backyard... Then, Sat. afternoon my inlaws stopped by on their way home and we spent the afternoon/evening hanging out and watching the girls play outside. I'm thinking that if I remain nonworking this summer I'll have to take the girls up to hang out with them for a week this summer and play on the lake. So yeah, there is a chance I won't remain nonworking this summer (hows that for a double negative, lol). And actually, the more jobs I apply for, the more excited I get about working. The thought of a new job with new things to learn and new coworkers and just what a change of pace that would be is kind of exciting to me. I'd much rather be home with the girls, but some extra income right now would be really helpful. So thats whats going on with me....Whats up with you? |
| Okay, so I got the "Update your Blog" email and figured I'd better at least swing by and give a quick update. Last week was a whirlwind that ended in a camping trip up to Trout Creek for Memorial Day. Its so beautiful up there and the weather mostly cooperated, so it was a weekend well spent with friends & family enjoying the outdoors. Now I'm neck deep in laundry, ironing and all that stuff that didn't get done while we were gone this past weekend. This is also the week when Lindsay has her last day of PReschool (tomorrow) and Kera has her last day of daycare (thursday) and I have my last day of regular work (thursday). All of those last days mean we'll start our official "summer break" on Friday. Woohoo. I can't wait. There is still an chance that I'll need to get a job so I've been applying for some the last week, too. We'll see what pans out, though. So not much exciting, but I'm definitely super busy. Did I mention I made my first pie from scratch last week? IT was strawberry-rhubarb and it was so good and recieved such rave reviews that I made another one to take camping, that one got gobbled up too. So I guess that means I'm well on my way to domestic goddessness. Off to fold laundry and iron while I watch Oprah! |
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